Adoptive parents that treat their biological child and adopted child differently

[Anonymous]

I have a neighbor that has a biological child and an adopted child. There is a clear difference in how they are treated. The biological child was cooed and loved and hugged held and photographed etc. etc. The adoptive child is often left alone, penned, gated, etc. Nothing abusive (I think), but just treated differently. Is this typical or a result of human nature?

[Anonymous]

This is neither typical nor the result of human nature. Adopted children start their lives out with so much loss and often a lot of trauma. This can take a toll on the child and may result in some pretty serious difficulties, such as reactive attachment disorder, sensory integration issues and/or developmental delays. Any of these conditions might mean that the child's best interests is served by a more reserved sort of parenting. Don't judge until you walk a mile in your neighbor's shoes.

[Anonymous]

It does happen. My best friend from elementary school (yes, we still keep in touch) was the eldest, adopted daughter of a couple who later had a biological son. The son was coddled and my mother often invited my friend for sleepovers when the difference in parental attention become too glaring. Was it age, gender, or something else? Probably all three. But she has grown up to be fulfilled and happy.

[Anonymous]

OP, that's a pretty harsh accusation you made. What you see as cooing over one and penning in the other may be as simple as a mom trying to juggle a high-needs infant and a wild-child toddler. Kids have different personalities, along with different needs at different ages. Instead of making judgmental observations from inside your own (perfect?) house, why not go over and ask if she needs a hand?

[Anonymous]

We adopted one child and I gave birth to our other (btw, both are "biological" -- nothing robotic or machine-like about either of them). I can assure you that we've never "penned up" either child. We know several other families with one child who was born into the family and one who was adopted. I've never observed any disparity in how the parents treat these children.

[Anonymous]

The other factor may just be the difference between a first and second child--with only one parents have more time and energy to be more engaged, take all those photos, etc.

[Anonymous]

Do you know the circumstances of adoption? Did they WANT to adopt or did they think they couldn't have children, adopted and then boom, got pregnant (this happened to a friend of mine and she WAS treated differently)? Otherwise, it may just be as others have stated...a balancing act.

[Anonymous]

As a mother of both an adopted child and biological children, I am appalled that anyone would think that it is "typical" to love bio-children more than adopted.!!!!! If anything, I have a more fierce loyalty toward my adopted child b/c of the heartache and uncertainty that surrounded the adoption process. She is my gift from God; my miracle; by best blessing ever!!!!
I think that there might be a quick judgement with people who have never been through the adoption process, and when they perceive and injustice in family dynamics, they quickly assume it have to do with the love a parent has for bio vs adopted child. It might just be that they are different children and need different parenting styles. Of course, that being said, I am not too niave to think that bad situations don't arise, but I think that might be the minority.

[Anonymous]

There in some ways can be two types on families, those who want adopted children and love them. Total respect for them!
But in my case my parents had adopted us unwanted, and we were very much treated differently, biological children got all of the new items, clothes, did no chores, had sports..when we couldnt because they couldnt afford us...and we had to do the housework for all 9 of us..which is bullshit. bad parenting and lack of intelligence. i would have second handed everybodys clothing, no sports, get the fat mother to work to afford more, and the children share all the chores.
I think its due to maturity as well. my adopted mother was 16 when she got married, im sure her maturity and intelligence stopped as well at that age.
Im just glad Im stubborn enough to ignore her abuse and do well in school and go to university be an engineer and make tons of money that they have never seen. I can create my own perfect family instead of be a failure like so many other parents out there too stupid and arrogant to have morals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There in some ways can be two types on families, those who want adopted children and love them. Total respect for them!
But in my case my parents had adopted us unwanted, and we were very much treated differently, biological children got all of the new items, clothes, did no chores, had sports..when we couldnt because they couldnt afford us...and we had to do the housework for all 9 of us..which is bullshit. bad parenting and lack of intelligence. i would have second handed everybodys clothing, no sports, get the fat mother to work to afford more, and the children share all the chores.
I think its due to maturity as well. my adopted mother was 16 when she got married, im sure her maturity and intelligence stopped as well at that age.
Im just glad Im stubborn enough to ignore her abuse and do well in school and go to university be an engineer and make tons of money that they have never seen. I can create my own perfect family instead of be a failure like so many other parents out there too stupid and arrogant to have morals.

Wow! I am so sorry you were treated so badly. I am just about to welcome two children into my home that are not my "biological" children and I pray they will never feel like they are treated differently/worse than my "biological" children.

[Anonymous]

i am an adopted child and wonder this

i think i developed differently. i didnt have any traumatic experiences because i was adopted when i was a baby.

i dont know my parents always had the harder time dealing with me. i always felt out of place although its not just my family its the outside world too.

i dont know i just found this thread and decided to coment.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who adopted and she's doing the opposite. She fawns over the new baby and ignores the older child. She evens does the whole "Baby #2 doesn't do that.. why do you?" comparision to her older child. It's odd. But then again, I have known many, many parents who showed clear preference to one child over the other when they were both biological. People are odd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Wow! I am so sorry you were treated so badly. I am just about to welcome two children into my home that are not my "biological" children and I pray they will never feel like they are treated differently/worse than my "biological" children.

I, as an adoptee, have NO DOUBT that my parent love me and my sister (also adopted) differently than they did my brother (their birth son)...as it should be! We came into their lives differently and in order to acknowledge and honor our differences they MUST treat us different as a result of our adoption. I think the hang up is so many people feel Different = BAD or LESS. ~ Astrid (for some great discussions around adoption visit http://blog.adoptionmosaic.org

[Anonymous]

I have a neighbor that adopted 3 russian kids 5 years ago she has no other children. To this day she interduces them to people as her adopted children. She makes me clean up after her. She said to someone if they were her real kids maybe she would feel differently about them. Oh trust me cps has been called so many times for things she has done to them and nothing has been done. She brags that she can get away with anything.

[Anonymous]

Some of you people are very defensive to this subject and you shouldn't be. I think the man/woman that asked advice on this subject didn't mean that all parents were this way. She didn't accuse anyone of this being typical behavior, she simply ASKED if this was normal. I myself, would have the same question. In the daycare I work at, 2 kids that were adopted from Russia just got taken by the social services because their adoptive mother abuses them. I am not in any way saying that this is how all adoptive parents are. I know that there are many that love and care for their adopted children; however, there are some out there that should have never been allowed to take a precious life of a child and make their life terrible. I think there are flaws in the system. I think that we need not close our eyes to things that are around us. YES, there are parents who ignore their adoptive children and treat them differently. Not saying this is true in all cases but lets not pretend this doesn't happen.