Different financial circumstances and exes
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Anonymous
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My ex-DH is now married to a woman who chose be a SAHM. Money is tight in that family, they are coupon clipping. I, on the other hand, have a well-paying job and only 1 kid to support, therefore, I am able to afford certain "luxuries" for just the two of us. This includes trips around the world, clothes that are not from Walmart, good quality toys, extracurricular activities.
Last night DS got home from his Dad's house all upset. He said his stepsiblings kept calling him "rich boy" and his stepmother said a couple times "well, I know OUR Christmas gifts are not to your liking since your mom spoils you and get you all this expensive stuff." DS is a kind and generous boy. Every time we go on vacation, he insists we buy gifts for his stepsiblings and his stepmom. He has never come to their house empty handed, may it be a pie or a toy for their little one. They are clearly jealous, and yes, I know how childish it sounds. DS and I live in our own home, ex-DH and his family rent a house because they can't afford mortgage. But it was THEIR choice! Her kids are now in school, if she wanted to bring an extra income, she could find a job. I just always thought that our finances were none of her business. WWYD? |
Anonymous
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Sounds like a good opportunity to talk about how people make different choices with their money, but don't always own their choices. Your son has nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. Maybe teach him to brush off the remarks with a "yeah, yeah, but I can still kick your butt at Call of Duty" (or whatever.)
I am a single mom, but I have more money than my brother and his wife. She chose to pursue a degree that wasn't marketable, took time off to stay home with kids and then became a school lunch lady. Occasionally I've gotten the casual remarks about how they don't have enough money to do this or that. My SIL thinks our whole family is rich so she's always trying to get people (my dad, my other BIL) to pay for stuff for them. But if she had made the sacrifices to have a career, they'd have more money. You need to talk to your ex - this is really not cool - they are clearly talking to their kids about something that should really just be an adult thing. But I do have one question - does he pay child support? Is he trying to set up a situation where he reduces support because they are "struggling" and you are fine? |
Anonymous
Before you go patting your own back too much, bet you get child support right? |
Anonymous
OMG, shut up bitter stepmom. |
Anonymous
OP here. Yes, he pays child support. It is not much, really, to be honest, but it covers 2 out of 4 of DS' extracurriculars. ex-DH and I have the same education, we met in college, we have exactly the same degrees, so it's not like he can't make more money. His wife is an SAHM, it was their decision. Her ex-DH is out of the picture and doesn't pay child support so my son's father is basically taking care of kids that are not his own. I understand it puts a strain on him but then again, it is not my business. He chose to be married to an SAHM, he chose to stay at the same job for years and not seek employment with a higher salary. It is not my fault that I can afford to take my DS to Disney World and he can't. What does he and his wife propose I do? Take his kids too just because they don't have the money? I e-mailed ex-DH this morning saying that the "rich kid" jokes ought to stop at once. His reply was "DS is too sensitive. But you have to admit, you are spoiling him. Does he really need to go somewhere fancy for spring break? Whatever happened to staying home and just relaxing?" His stepkids' idea of "relaxing at home" is playing video games non-stop! They are frequently surprised that DS has a book in his hands instead of an iPad. So yes, I'd rather "spoil" him with a vacation instead of having him in front of a computer for a week or two. |
Anonymous
OP, I am sorry that your son is dealing with this. Some suggestions: 1) You were right to say that the rich kid jokes need to stop. They are hurtful to your son, and even if he is "too sensitive", they are not appropriate or kind. Do not back down on this. 2) Re: the vacations you take. Is it possible that the gifts that your son brings for his dad's family back from the vacations are an additional source of friction? I understand that he's a kindhearted boy, but things like that really set up a difference between what his siblings are able to do (leaving out whether they would want to) and what he's able to do. |
Anonymous
| I am in a similar situation. I think you should stop buying gifts for the step siblings from your trips. Maybe just a bday and XMAS gift for each one. Also, how does the ex know about all of these trips? Unless you or your child is telling him and the stepmother about them, how would they know? Stop sharing that info unless it is necessary. My ex is always behind on CS b/c his wife is a SAHM. That's a choice and IMO it shouldn't affect his ability to pay CS but there isn't much I can do about it. |
Anonymous
Your husband is such an ass. I don't have a lot of money, but I don't believe that there is anything wrong with enjoying luxuries if you can afford them. Fancy trips and toys in and of themselves do not spoil a child. It's also such a classic jerk move to hurt someone's feelings and then tell them they are too sensitive. Plus, your son is a child who does not control the family finances. If I were you, and if you can possibly afford it, I would stop accepting child support from him. Then, you can shut down any and all mentions of money like a broken record. |
Anonymous
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OP here. I have offered ex-DH to stop with the child support. His money really doesn't make a difference one way or another. Besides, next year DS will stick with only 2 activities as he's entering MS and will be pretty busy. With ex-DH it is the matter of "pride" that he's "financially helping" out.
Now on the subject of "how do the stepkids and stepmom know where he goes and what he does?" How's he supposed to hide it? "What did you for spring break?" - "Umm, nothing" and show up with a Florida tan. Why is he supposed to lie? I did recommend he stop it with the gifts other than on birthdays, esp. since the type of gifts he gives them are so different from what he gets. On his 12th birthday he got a set of coloring books! Really? He's a 12-yr boy, not a 5-yr girl. |
Anonymous
I offered ex-DH to stop paying CS, but he refused. He thinks it makes him "a good father" 
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Anonymous
OP, I am sympathetic to your situation generally speaking, but you are not coming off great here either. You have gone out of your way to denigrate your ex's family's choices regarding whether his second wife works, how they parent the other children, and you went well out of your way to point out the many ways that you are a better parent. That may be true, but don't be so smug about it, even here. |
Anonymous
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The child support is a moot point; the child is both of their responsibility, and if the mother (or father) is doing the majority of the custody, that person deserves a boost. OP said the funds go towards extracurriculars, to which I see no reason both parents shouldn't contribute.
With that said, jealousy. The stepmom needs to stop with her comments. She made her bed. I can't stand the mentality that we are due pity because we aren't as successful as someone else. "Woe is me, look at that man driving a Ferrari! Must be nice!" No. That man WORKED for that. OP also WORKED to take vacations and buy her child whatever he wants. |
Anonymous
The stepmom and her children go out of their way to make my DS feel uncomfortable and I should just swallow it? Do you know that my DS doesn't want to go to that house anymore? Do you know that I now have to spend time and effort convincing him to have a relationship with his father because he feels he doesn't have his back? Yes, he's sensitive, but also kind-hearted, hard-working and honest. And I've put up with a lot more from that family, I've been pretty accommodating. If I wanted to be "smug", I would've insisted that the CS was much higher than what he's paying now. They have no right to discuss or be smug about where he's vacationing, what he's studying, reading, or playing. I did not start denigrating her children, she did it with mine. She called him spoiled, she called him "our little rich boy" to his face. All with a smile. |
Anonymous
Agreed. How do you know the ex and his wife are jealous of you and your money? Sounds like they prioritized having a parent at home to raise their children versus money. You have different priorities and they don't value material things like you do. |
Anonymous
No, but you should be aware that you are contributing to the differences between him and his siblings. I understand that you are trying to do what is best for your son, but participating in the adversarial relationship with your ex - EVEN IF YOU DID NOT START IT - is not helpful or what is best for your son. You did the right thing by telling your ex that the "little rich boy" shit needs to stop. Ignore his comments about how your son is too sensitive and continue to focus on "things that are best for our son." If he won't let go of the "vacation" issue, you can simply tell him that each of you makes decisions about how to spend your vacation time with your son, and that it's important that you both be respectful of those decisions, particularly in front of your son. I completely understand that your son may be reluctant to spend time at a home where he feels uncomfortable or singled out. I completely understand that that's upsetting to you. But your son is 12, not 4. You need to be having conversations with him that give him tools to navigate these situations. Suggestions like not bringing expensive presents are good. Helping him to understand that it's important that he try to find a way to connect with his dad and his siblings even when it's hard is good. You have an opportunity to take the moral high ground here. Saying "She started it!!" and "She CHOSE to stay home!" and "Why should MY SON be punished because THEY can't take vacations" is smug. If that is your attitude here, that's probably your attitude, quietly, the whole time. Your son will pick up on this, and it will either have the effect of making him smug about it or making him feel guilty about it, neither of which are good. |