Several States considered laws to promote shared custody of children after divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But why are women even marrying men who can't do 50% in the first place? Are they making that much money that you just don't care? I can't believe there are this many men who only do 10% of child rearing. The men I see are incredibly hands on dads and I can't believe they'd get less than shared custody in a divorce.

In my case, I didn’t realize how incapable my XH was until we were married and our responsibilities increased and some things simply could not be hidden or denied. Something always had to give with him. If it wasn’t work being neglected, it was parenting, or our relationship, or his individual needs. He never quite had to balance things before - he thought he did well comparative to the dysfunction he had come from - and I didn’t realize how little capacity he had to manage being a well functioning adult that could optimize production in each area of life. He still struggles with that. Capability is one thing, capacity is another. I think roles in Marriage varying around that are pretty common though. Ideally you two complement each other and build capacity together.

I don't get how you didn't see that when you were dating. That makes no sense to me.

Sadly, I come from a family of dysfunction, and it took years of therapeutic work individually to train my eyes to see it. Learning to be objective when hearing others perspective takes effort, willingness, and a lot of humility. It’s not as black and white as you would thin. People have masks - and that further complicates the matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The real question is why is your husband sending you articles about divorce?

[Anonymous]

My H and i come from a culture where dads are far less involved with their kids than in the US (in these days). By those standards he was an ok dad, but also I was too blinded by a “need” to have a family (also cultural).
He is one of those people who are too self absorbed to notice what is going on with other people. He doesn’t notice if child ate his dinner or left most of it on the plate, nor does he care much. He doesn’t make sure child eats fruit and veggies; he has never been to a single dr appt without me also there (which was when child was a baby), not to a single school meeting. He does with child what he wants to do (or considers necessary), which is mostly videogames, sending him to shower at night and sending him to bed (but not making sure he doesn’t sneak in a book to bed), and taking him to a weekend class. The other aspects are just not on his radar. He isn’t neglectful but why would the child benefit from 50/50? How? He doesn’t like going places with dad. Yet, H will want 50/50, only to then bail out of half of it, yet paying as in 50/50. I will prob let him do it just to avoid the fight, or maybe agree to CS/alimony being reduced if he gives up custody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree custody should be 50/50, if that is how childcare is split during the marriage. But why should the parent, who has worked FT, and done 90 percent of the childcare and 100 percent of the household tasks during the marriage then lose the lion’s share of custody in the divorce?

That parent is already at a disadvantage economically, as he or she has probably taken a lower-paying job in order to have the flexibility needed to be the default parent.

Under our current system, all men need to do to ensure 50% custody during divorce is to make sure they do 50% of the childcare and household admin during the marriage. Take your child to daycare or school 50% of the time. Go to 50% of the doctor appointments. Buy children's clothing 50% of the time. Do carpool 50% of the time. Go to 50% of the parent/teacher meetings.

The current standard for custody of children in many states is "best interest of the child." If you do 50% of the care of your child during the entirety of the marriage, then it will be in the best interests of the child that you continue to provide that care.

All mandatory 50/50 custody laws do is ensure that men can fail to care for their children during the course of the marriage and still get half custody after the marriage, and ensure that they pay little to no child support to boot. And statistic after statistic show that men, by and large although not all of them, consistently fail to do equal childcare.

It's not about you. It's about the kid. The kid cares about being clothed, fed, sheltered and love. The kid does not care about doctor's appointments. Your kid is not going to ask you about how many doctor's appointments you attended during their childhood.
If time is spent equally with both parents there is no need for child support.

I agree, it's not about me; it's about whether the parents have demonstrated that they are capable of caring for the child. Doctor's appointments are part of care of a child. I agree with you that kids don't care who does it, but it can be a significant part of raising kids. If one parent declines to participate in this aspect of child rearing pre-divorce, then it becomes questionable in divorce whether it is in the best interests of the child to provide 50% custody to a parent who did 0% of the healthcare. My kids have been to the ER, broken limbs, gotten concussions and had a variety of medical issues. Guess who took them to all appointments, followed up on treatment, stayed home with them when they couldn't go to school, picked up meds, made sure they took meds, etc.? For whatever reason my exDH was not interested in or capable of participating in this aspect of parenting. As a result of his pre-divorce parenting or lack thereof, it was not in the best interests of the children that he get 50% custody.

Believe me, kids may not care who does health care, but they DO care that someone does it. Missed meds, improperly administered therapy, chronic conditions that worsen unnecessarily, and a parent who can't figure their way thru medical care choices - kids feel the effect of that.

I 100% agree that kids don't care which parent provides any one of the million aspects of parenting. But, if you aren't doing 50% of the care before divorce, it's not in the best interests of the child that you be given 50% custody after divorce.

You just want to se your kid to hurt your ex. You want to play the martr to strok your ego. 50//50 is becoming the norm and bitter people like yourself will have to get over it.

I saw zero bitterness in her post, just realistic expectations.

I’m sorry you can’t handle the healthcare part of parenting, it’s actually pretty important!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But why are women even marrying men who can't do 50% in the first place? Are they making that much money that you just don't care? I can't believe there are this many men who only do 10% of child rearing. The men I see are incredibly hands on dads and I can't believe they'd get less than shared custody in a divorce.

In my case, I didn’t realize how incapable my XH was until we were married and our responsibilities increased and some things simply could not be hidden or denied. Something always had to give with him. If it wasn’t work being neglected, it was parenting, or our relationship, or his individual needs. He never quite had to balance things before - he thought he did well comparative to the dysfunction he had come from - and I didn’t realize how little capacity he had to manage being a well functioning adult that could optimize production in each area of life. He still struggles with that. Capability is one thing, capacity is another. I think roles in Marriage varying around that are pretty common though. Ideally you two complement each other and build capacity together.

+1 If I didn't know better, I'd say this woman and I had the same ex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But why are women even marrying men who can't do 50% in the first place? Are they making that much money that you just don't care? I can't believe there are this many men who only do 10% of child rearing. The men I see are incredibly hands on dads and I can't believe they'd get less than shared custody in a divorce.

In my case, I didn’t realize how incapable my XH was until we were married and our responsibilities increased and some things simply could not be hidden or denied. Something always had to give with him. If it wasn’t work being neglected, it was parenting, or our relationship, or his individual needs. He never quite had to balance things before - he thought he did well comparative to the dysfunction he had come from - and I didn’t realize how little capacity he had to manage being a well functioning adult that could optimize production in each area of life. He still struggles with that. Capability is one thing, capacity is another. I think roles in Marriage varying around that are pretty common though. Ideally you two complement each other and build capacity together.

+1 If I didn't know better, I'd say this woman and I had the same ex.

+2 Nope - I think she's talking about my ex.
I have sole custody of our three because my XH didn't want any custody. He sees them for dinner sometimes. No overnights. He also pays the bare minimum in CP.
And no, I had no idea how dysfunctional he was when we were married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree custody should be 50/50, if that is how childcare is split during the marriage. But why should the parent, who has worked FT, and done 90 percent of the childcare and 100 percent of the household tasks during the marriage then lose the lion’s share of custody in the divorce?

That parent is already at a disadvantage economically, as he or she has probably taken a lower-paying job in order to have the flexibility needed to be the default parent.

This. I'd actually laugh if most divorced dads earned 50 percent custody. They would be screwed. Even my husband who tries to split takes 50/50 can't manage and juggle the many things required to run a household and hold down a good job.

I laughed too. My DH relocated his parents to live w him so he could do 50/50 and now grandma cleans and cooks for him, and manages the visits.
So apropos considering the workaholic man child they raised.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But why are women even marrying men who can't do 50% in the first place? Are they making that much money that you just don't care? I can't believe there are this many men who only do 10% of child rearing. The men I see are incredibly hands on dads and I can't believe they'd get less than shared custody in a divorce.

In my case, I didn’t realize how incapable my XH was until we were married and our responsibilities increased and some things simply could not be hidden or denied. Something always had to give with him. If it wasn’t work being neglected, it was parenting, or our relationship, or his individual needs. He never quite had to balance things before - he thought he did well comparative to the dysfunction he had come from - and I didn’t realize how little capacity he had to manage being a well functioning adult that could optimize production in each area of life. He still struggles with that. Capability is one thing, capacity is another. I think roles in Marriage varying around that are pretty common though. Ideally you two complement each other and build capacity together.

+1 If I didn't know better, I'd say this woman and I had the same ex.

+2 Nope - I think she's talking about my ex.
I have sole custody of our three because my XH didn't want any custody. He sees them for dinner sometimes. No overnights. He also pays the bare minimum in CP.
And no, I had no idea how dysfunctional he was when we were married.

My Ex refused to treat his adhd. His symptoms created anger in both of us, he sad he’d never change, terrible environment for our kids. He still can’t keep track of anything or any schedule except his hyper focus ne (office work). Never knew until his life got more complicated and he hit the wall.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The real question is why is your husband sending you articles about divorce?

This.

Let’s discuss that further. How old are your kids? Who does more unpaid family labor in your household? Who earns more?

lol, OP here again. Wow, so many miserable people on DCUM...projecting much?

My husband and I are not getting divorced so this does not apply to us. He does pay child support....as do some of our friends/family members who have been in relationships that didn't pan out. The article is interesting and I wondered what others thought of it.

I agree with making 50/50 custody the default arrangement and working from there.

Same here, 50/50 in writing plus child support. I continue to run and manage the household and all child related and house related obligations. He county’s to have zero interest or understanding of how to raise children or parent children. He gets them Friday after school until Sunday AM.

[Anonymous]

Every case is different, so Maryland has it right - do what is best for the child in custody situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But why are women even marrying men who can't do 50% in the first place? Are they making that much money that you just don't care? I can't believe there are this many men who only do 10% of child rearing. The men I see are incredibly hands on dads and I can't believe they'd get less than shared custody in a divorce.

In my case, I didn’t realize how incapable my XH was until we were married and our responsibilities increased and some things simply could not be hidden or denied. Something always had to give with him. If it wasn’t work being neglected, it was parenting, or our relationship, or his individual needs. He never quite had to balance things before - he thought he did well comparative to the dysfunction he had come from - and I didn’t realize how little capacity he had to manage being a well functioning adult that could optimize production in each area of life. He still struggles with that. Capability is one thing, capacity is another. I think roles in Marriage varying around that are pretty common though. Ideally you two complement each other and build capacity together.

+1 If I didn't know better, I'd say this woman and I had the same ex.

+2 Nope - I think she's talking about my ex.
I have sole custody of our three because my XH didn't want any custody. He sees them for dinner sometimes. No overnights. He also pays the bare minimum in CP.
And no, I had no idea how dysfunctional he was when we were married.

Same here, it was his untreated ADHD, couldn't handle a life more complicated than working and sleeping. Plus his mother did everything for him, his father and siblings so bad habits to boot. never saw it coming, he was top of class in college - which means NOTHING for life skills btw. There's my lesson, go for street smarts over book smarts any time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think its wonderful and should have been done many years ago. The elimination of child support would only be if the women had equal salaries.

+1. Even now when there is 50/50 custody child support is only awarded when the difference in salary is enough to warrant it, and things like health insurance, childcare, and uncovered medical are all split proportionally based on income (when salaries are equal, each parent pays 50%).

Granted, I tend to laugh a little when men (particularly white men) complain about the laws, because the laws were written, implemented, and interpreted in the courts by white men. They weren't written and passed to protect women or children, they were written by men, to further their interests. Child support wasn't enforceable until fairly recently either (the ability to track the location of someone ordered to pay came with the implementation of technology over the past 20 years or so), and now that it's enforceable I find it funny that men suddenly actually want responsibility for their children.

Give me a break. Alimony AND child support were both written to protect SAH women. And until recently, custody heavily favored the mothers to the detriment of fathers. That's STILL largely the case -- go ask any child custody attorney or couples counselor.

[Anonymous]

When my ex wife divorced me 8 years ago I was told that the default position of the court was that it was in the best interest of the child to spend 75% of the time with the mom and only 25% with the dad and that if I wanted something different I could fight... and I would have only about 25% chance of getting 50/50 according to my attorneys opinion.

The ex is now arguing that she needs more child support because the custody order is not 50/50.

Bottom line is that children have economic value to divorced women who want them more than 50/50 in order to increase $$ extracted from their ex husbands.

I pay my child support 100% yet I continually hear "larla gets more than me... you owe me.... I only earn X so you should pay me more..." She never argues that the children need more (i.e., doesn't demonstrate any child's need) she merely wants more for her because she feels like she isn't getting her fair share in comparison to her friends or because she feels economically slighted because I earn more than she does.

She is much wealthier than I am post divorce because she got the bulk of the assets (house, 401K, etc.) and in reality is better off financially even though she earns about 50% of my income. For her the divorce was merely a bump in the road financially. For me is was devastating and I'll never recover.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex-husband and I filed joint legal and physical custody when we divorced almost 8 years ago. We did this in case anything came up in the future and one or more of the kids wanted to live with the other parent. It came in handy last spring when my daughter was on suicide watch because of problems she was having at school, and we decided to let her live with her dad and change schools. It's been more than 6 months since our decision, and we couldn't be happier with the results. She's off her meds, isn't suicidal, and she's happy. We did not have to go to court to change custody. It's really easy if you do it this way.

What smart, loving, & reasonable parents! Such a breath of fresh air to see a poster on this board who was able to successfully coparent with a former spouse & draw up a custody agreement that was actually in the best intrest of the CHILD, not the the bitter parent trying to play the martyr &/or hurt the other parent!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Shared custody should be the default absent reasons not to do it. Child support should be based on what the kid(s) need and who makes what.

+1. I’m all for it. When mothers presume they are more worthy of custody it really bugs me.

Often there is one spouse that is more worthy of custody due to many situations. Judges will continue to make decisions based on what's best for the child.