The Dad Privilege Checklist

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And who might you be and what is your experience?

I am a woman who has mothered children.

And a writer looking for more material.

I didn't write the substack and I'm not looking for material for my own writing. I'm interested in hearing from parents on a parenting board whether they agree in some part or entirely with this writer's assertions regarding the privileges enjoyed by many fathers in our society/culture of parenting.

I don’t agree at all.

Your list is offensive.

If you post something sexist and as offensive as the list in the OP, don’t be surprised when people call you out as a hateful sexist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The article would be better if there were a list of things that women don’t have to worry about.

Cleaning the gutters? I mean, as long as she can call someone else to do it.

Otherwise, go ahead and list them.

Never worry about the grass getting cut

Never has to discuss whether the tires need to be rotated

Never gives actors sound in the car a 2nd thought

Doesn’t know the vets name or even where they are

Never worry about lightbulbs

Never need to replace a light switch or ceiling fan

Don’t worry about the kids learning an instrument since he teaches them that

Don’t need to talk sorta (though I can but not to the level they care to)

Never edited a paper

Mousetraps

Never even need to understand how to trim a tree

Have no clue what indigenous plants are

Never split wood

Never started a fire

Don’t clean cars

Never grilled anything ever

No clue what days the trash goes to the curb

No idea how to get large trash pickups

Never made coffee


I could obviously learn or do all these but I don’t need to

In what universe do only men edit papers? How bizarre.

And I am a woman and I do most of these things. The point is that incompetence is never attractive. Imagine not knowing how to do a large trash pickup, when trash day is, etc.

DP. I've never met a man who cared if his wife could handle a large trash pickup or clean out a mousetrap. I've known plenty of women who could, probably most, but I've never sat around with my dad friends wondering why our wives aren't the ones cleaning up dead animals around the house.

And this my friends is Dad logic. How many dead animals do you deal with a year? JFC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What this discussion tells me that we all live in a bubble, and have different experiences that color our understanding of the world. Different strata of society seem to have different expectations on men and women.

I do think women tend to do too much, men are very good at delegating. I do notice, as a DW, that my DH stepped in when he judged me less than competent at certain tasks, thus making my life easier. Things have also shifted quite a bit as the kids have gotten older (he somehow did rise to the occasion and now handles all logistics related to their sports activities, and I'm now the clueless parent, so I know what that feels like).

The newborn stage, though? The nursing and maternity leave? So lonely, and that's when it hits you, how on your own you are at this, and your partner doesn't really get it. It's not anyone's fault, but it does feel 100 percent unfair.

It is unfair and it could actually be better. Even if there is no way to actually divide that work up between the sexes, we could actually facilitate women doing it in a way that wasn't insulting and cruel. If we are going to live in a world where women do 100% of the pregnancy, childbirth, and caring for babies, then we should be making it easier for women to do that. We basically do not acknowledge the physical or mental costs of childbirth in this country and we make it so hard for women to get access to basic healthcare to address those issues. Also, we basically got rid of the "village" that women used to have during the immediate postpartum period -- some people still have female relatives who come and help and care for the mom and help keep the house, but many, many do not and it's prohibitively expensive for most people to hire someone. But it's not like men have actually stepped in to fill that roll, even though they now are much more likely to get parental leave. So instead women just struggle, trying to put their bodies and brains back together on their own while doing most of the newborn care and keeping the house together, and then going back to work in like a month. It is barbaric.

Either we bring back the village, we create social services to actually support women during that time, or we need to create a cultural imperative where men are ACTUALLY doing the work that village used to do, which includes cooking and cleaning and caring for the baby while mom sleeps and helping with breastfeeding and all that. Not forever, but for the first few weeks. Virtually no men do this. They could, they just won't. If they are lucky, their moms or MILs come and do it. If they are wealthy, they hire someone. For the rest of women, no one does it and they just suffer. It is unfair and it's also not a situation we have to accept.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The article would be better if there were a list of things that women don’t have to worry about.

Cleaning the gutters? I mean, as long as she can call someone else to do it.

Otherwise, go ahead and list them.

Never worry about the grass getting cut

Never has to discuss whether the tires need to be rotated

Never gives actors sound in the car a 2nd thought

Doesn’t know the vets name or even where they are

Never worry about lightbulbs

Never need to replace a light switch or ceiling fan

Don’t worry about the kids learning an instrument since he teaches them that

Don’t need to talk sorta (though I can but not to the level they care to)

Never edited a paper

Mousetraps

Never even need to understand how to trim a tree

Have no clue what indigenous plants are

Never split wood

Never started a fire

Don’t clean cars

Never grilled anything ever

No clue what days the trash goes to the curb

No idea how to get large trash pickups

Never made coffee


I could obviously learn or do all these but I don’t need to

In what universe do only men edit papers? How bizarre.

And I am a woman and I do most of these things. The point is that incompetence is never attractive. Imagine not knowing how to do a large trash pickup, when trash day is, etc.

DP. I've never met a man who cared if his wife could handle a large trash pickup or clean out a mousetrap. I've known plenty of women who could, probably most, but I've never sat around with my dad friends wondering why our wives aren't the ones cleaning up dead animals around the house.

And this my friends is Dad logic. How many dead animals do you deal with a year? JFC.

Mice a couple times a year. Bigger animals, probably one every other year? Usually a rabbit that dies in the yard and rots. I've also done literally every camp/activity sign up ever, made virtually every school lunch, and driven to every afterschool activity when I wasn't sick, so I can tell you which is worse and it's the rotting rabbit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree a lot of this list is super condescending but there’s some real truth to it. In my marriage, and the marriage of most of my friends the saying “he does his best and I do the rest” is 100 percent the case. It’s not that the dads don’t do anything, it’s that they view virtually everything as optional or extra credit. If my husband gets busy at work or wants to travel, he does that. If one of our kids has extra needs, that’s a problem mom will solve regardless of whether she also works or what else she has going on. My husband is not a bad guy and will laugh about both our moms raving how wonderful he is for taking a child to a physical (scheduled by mom, Who is at work and needs to be there because she handled the sick days last week because dad “can’t” reschedule any meetings) but he is still totally guilty of kicking anything hard or inconvenient to me. He knows that I will always always always find a way to do the things I think are important for the kids so he can just say “I can’t” guilt free.

Also this one reminded me of DCUM:
If I do a task incorrectly, people will tell my partner to praise me for trying.

Totally agree. "He does his best and I do the rest" is absolutely how my marriage and those of pretty much all my friends work. "His best" can vary a bit, but I only know one marriage where I genuinely think the dad is the primary parent and is doing "the rest" and he's a SAHD and his wife is an executive and they have one kid.

I think this is the dirty secret of most dual income couples. It looks pretty equal from the outside -- both partners work, they say the right things, dad is visibly doing stuff like taking kids to activities, cooking, seems engaged. But if you open things up and really look at what is happening, dad is taking kids to activities that mom (who also works) researched, arranged, and provided dad with the schedule for. Dad is cooking but so is mom, and mom is also thinking a week ahead to when her MIL is in town and suggesting they make and freeze an extra casserole so they have a quick dinner for the night she arrives. Mom doesn't always seem engaged, because she's exhausted and has a laundry list of things in her head to keep track of (including laundry).

But the veneer of "things are pretty equal!" is there because it's easier on everyone's ego and it keeps the ship afloat. You could nag and nitpick dad to death but he's never, ever going to do as much as mom. Ever. If you don't want to ruin your marriage and get a divorce, which most of us don't, you just accept the inequity and move on. But it's unequal. Very, very unequal.

“I’m oppressed because DH doesn’t think a week ahead to freeze a casserole for MIL” isn’t quite the own you think it is. That is you concerned about appearances and looking on top of things lest MIL judge you.

Yes, that was about not wanting to be judged by an MIL, and had nothing to do with just making an effort to make sure a family has food to eat on a day when you know no one will have time to cook. Correct, you nailed it. And for sure the only thing women do that men don't do is make casseroles ahead of time. It's the only one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What this discussion tells me that we all live in a bubble, and have different experiences that color our understanding of the world. Different strata of society seem to have different expectations on men and women.

I do think women tend to do too much, men are very good at delegating. I do notice, as a DW, that my DH stepped in when he judged me less than competent at certain tasks, thus making my life easier. Things have also shifted quite a bit as the kids have gotten older (he somehow did rise to the occasion and now handles all logistics related to their sports activities, and I'm now the clueless parent, so I know what that feels like).

The newborn stage, though? The nursing and maternity leave? So lonely, and that's when it hits you, how on your own you are at this, and your partner doesn't really get it. It's not anyone's fault, but it does feel 100 percent unfair.

It is unfair and it could actually be better. Even if there is no way to actually divide that work up between the sexes, we could actually facilitate women doing it in a way that wasn't insulting and cruel. If we are going to live in a world where women do 100% of the pregnancy, childbirth, and caring for babies, then we should be making it easier for women to do that. We basically do not acknowledge the physical or mental costs of childbirth in this country and we make it so hard for women to get access to basic healthcare to address those issues. Also, we basically got rid of the "village" that women used to have during the immediate postpartum period -- some people still have female relatives who come and help and care for the mom and help keep the house, but many, many do not and it's prohibitively expensive for most people to hire someone. But it's not like men have actually stepped in to fill that roll, even though they now are much more likely to get parental leave. So instead women just struggle, trying to put their bodies and brains back together on their own while doing most of the newborn care and keeping the house together, and then going back to work in like a month. It is barbaric.

Either we bring back the village, we create social services to actually support women during that time, or we need to create a cultural imperative where men are ACTUALLY doing the work that village used to do, which includes cooking and cleaning and caring for the baby while mom sleeps and helping with breastfeeding and all that. Not forever, but for the first few weeks. Virtually no men do this. They could, they just won't. If they are lucky, their moms if I use or MILs come and do it. If they are wealthy, they hire someone. For the rest of women, no one does it and they just suffer. It is unfair and it's also not a situation we have to accept.

Yep my DH has 12 weeks of paternity leave and I have ZERO. No STD. Nothing but my own accrued leave that I also use for the multitude of appointments that come with pregnancy. So Ill cobble 3-4 weeks together (if I am lucky) and then start from near 0 with 2 kids.

Its a start for anyone have maternity/paternity leave but the idea that there isnt universal coverage for the women actually having children and recovering from childbirth is bizarre.

[Anonymous]

Before I logged on to DcUM, I just got off the phone with the ped’s office trying to get an earlier appointment for an anxiety med, after meeting with the therapist earlier this week, during an appointment that I made, based on emails that I exchanged with her (largely screenshots of text exchanges I had with my kid about her anxiety surrounding some exams….).

I told DW the where and when of the appointment.

Some of you are just blind to the fact that many dads are not as checked out as yours husbands are.

“ What I do hear constantly is women who are judged as being bad moms for working AND other moms who are judged for being lazy because the SAH.”

If you’re still butthurt about mommy war BS, you need to grow up. And newsflash, all that judgment comes exclusively from other women. When are you ever going to learn to ignore it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree a lot of this list is super condescending but there’s some real truth to it. In my marriage, and the marriage of most of my friends the saying “he does his best and I do the rest” is 100 percent the case. It’s not that the dads don’t do anything, it’s that they view virtually everything as optional or extra credit. If my husband gets busy at work or wants to travel, he does that. If one of our kids has extra needs, that’s a problem mom will solve regardless of whether she also works or what else she has going on. My husband is not a bad guy and will laugh about both our moms raving how wonderful he is for taking a child to a physical (scheduled by mom, Who is at work and needs to be there because she handled the sick days last week because dad “can’t” reschedule any meetings) but he is still totally guilty of kicking anything hard or inconvenient to me. He knows that I will always always always find a way to do the things I think are important for the kids so he can just say “I can’t” guilt free.

Also this one reminded me of DCUM:
If I do a task incorrectly, people will tell my partner to praise me for trying.

Totally agree. "He does his best and I do the rest" is absolutely how my marriage and those of pretty much all my friends work. "His best" can vary a bit, but I only know one marriage where I genuinely think the dad is the primary parent and is doing "the rest" and he's a SAHD and his wife is an executive and they have one kid.

I think this is the dirty secret of most dual income couples. It looks pretty equal from the outside -- both partners work, they say the right things, dad is visibly doing stuff like taking kids to activities, cooking, seems engaged. But if you open things up and really look at what is happening, dad is taking kids to activities that mom (who also works) researched, arranged, and provided dad with the schedule for. Dad is cooking but so is mom, and mom is also thinking a week ahead to when her MIL is in town and suggesting they make and freeze an extra casserole so they have a quick dinner for the night she arrives. Mom doesn't always seem engaged, because she's exhausted and has a laundry list of things in her head to keep track of (including laundry).

But the veneer of "things are pretty equal!" is there because it's easier on everyone's ego and it keeps the ship afloat. You could nag and nitpick dad to death but he's never, ever going to do as much as mom. Ever. If you don't want to ruin your marriage and get a divorce, which most of us don't, you just accept the inequity and move on. But it's unequal. Very, very unequal.

“I’m oppressed because DH doesn’t think a week ahead to freeze a casserole for MIL” isn’t quite the own you think it is. That is you concerned about appearances and looking on top of things lest MIL judge you.

Yes, that was about not wanting to be judged by an MIL, and had nothing to do with just making an effort to make sure a family has food to eat on a day when you know no one will have time to cook. Correct, you nailed it. And for sure the only thing women do that men don't do is make casseroles ahead of time. It's the only one.

I was just reacting to the main example you provided. You chose it. But let’s get real: yes there are many lazy and delinquent husbands, no dispute there. But there are also many wives who get angry when their husbands balk at doing things that are principally focused on the endless intramural status contest among women, competitive mothering and the superficial appearance of homes and children, etc.

[Anonymous]

“ but the idea that there isnt universal coverage for the women actually having children and recovering from childbirth is bizarre.”

Go on the nanny forum and ask how many of them are willing to offer that benefit to their nannies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree a lot of this list is super condescending but there’s some real truth to it. In my marriage, and the marriage of most of my friends the saying “he does his best and I do the rest” is 100 percent the case. It’s not that the dads don’t do anything, it’s that they view virtually everything as optional or extra credit. If my husband gets busy at work or wants to travel, he does that. If one of our kids has extra needs, that’s a problem mom will solve regardless of whether she also works or what else she has going on. My husband is not a bad guy and will laugh about both our moms raving how wonderful he is for taking a child to a physical (scheduled by mom, Who is at work and needs to be there because she handled the sick days last week because dad “can’t” reschedule any meetings) but he is still totally guilty of kicking anything hard or inconvenient to me. He knows that I will always always always find a way to do the things I think are important for the kids so he can just say “I can’t” guilt free.

Also this one reminded me of DCUM:
If I do a task incorrectly, people will tell my partner to praise me for trying.

Totally agree. "He does his best and I do the rest" is absolutely how my marriage and those of pretty much all my friends work. "His best" can vary a bit, but I only know one marriage where I genuinely think the dad is the primary parent and is doing "the rest" and he's a SAHD and his wife is an executive and they have one kid.

I think this is the dirty secret of most dual income couples. It looks pretty equal from the outside -- both partners work, they say the right things, dad is visibly doing stuff like taking kids to activities, cooking, seems engaged. But if you open things up and really look at what is happening, dad is taking kids to activities that mom (who also works) researched, arranged, and provided dad with the schedule for. Dad is cooking but so is mom, and mom is also thinking a week ahead to when her MIL is in town and suggesting they make and freeze an extra casserole so they have a quick dinner for the night she arrives. Mom doesn't always seem engaged, because she's exhausted and has a laundry list of things in her head to keep track of (including laundry).

But the veneer of "things are pretty equal!" is there because it's easier on everyone's ego and it keeps the ship afloat. You could nag and nitpick dad to death but he's never, ever going to do as much as mom. Ever. If you don't want to ruin your marriage and get a divorce, which most of us don't, you just accept the inequity and move on. But it's unequal. Very, very unequal.

“I’m oppressed because DH doesn’t think a week ahead to freeze a casserole for MIL” isn’t quite the own you think it is. That is you concerned about appearances and looking on top of things lest MIL judge you.

Yes, that was about not wanting to be judged by an MIL, and had nothing to do with just making an effort to make sure a family has food to eat on a day when you know no one will have time to cook. Correct, you nailed it. And for sure the only thing women do that men don't do is make casseroles ahead of time. It's the only one.

I was just reacting to the main example you provided. You chose it. But let’s get real: yes there are many lazy and delinquent husbands, no dispute there. But there are also many wives who get angry when their husbands balk at doing things that are principally focused on the endless intramural status contest among women, competitive mothering and the superficial appearance of homes and children, etc.

This x 1,000,000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Before I logged on to DcUM, I just got off the phone with the ped’s office trying to get an earlier appointment for an anxiety med, after meeting with the therapist earlier this week, during an appointment that I made, based on emails that I exchanged with her (largely screenshots of text exchanges I had with my kid about her anxiety surrounding some exams….).

I told DW the where and when of the appointment.

Some of you are just blind to the fact that many dads are not as checked out as yours husbands are.

“ What I do hear constantly is women who are judged as being bad moms for working AND other moms who are judged for being lazy because the SAH.”

If you’re still butthurt about mommy war BS, you need to grow up. And newsflash, all that judgment comes exclusively from other women. When are you ever going to learn to ignore it?

+1. To the women of DCUM: on the eternal and nasty SAHM v. WOHM cage match, the call is coming from inside the house. That is all woman-on-woman mean girl BS. Stop blaming men for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Before I logged on to DcUM, I just got off the phone with the ped’s office trying to get an earlier appointment for an anxiety med, after meeting with the therapist earlier this week, during an appointment that I made, based on emails that I exchanged with her (largely screenshots of text exchanges I had with my kid about her anxiety surrounding some exams….).

I told DW the where and when of the appointment.

Some of you are just blind to the fact that many dads are not as checked out as yours husbands are.

“ What I do hear constantly is women who are judged as being bad moms for working AND other moms who are judged for being lazy because the SAH.”

If you’re still butthurt about mommy war BS, you need to grow up. And newsflash, all that judgment comes exclusively from other women. When are you ever going to learn to ignore it?

If you are doing great in this regard, congrats to you. But many men aren't. You want me to give YOU a cookie even though my own husband had never made a single pediatricians appointment his life? Why? I'm not your wife.

Women are talking about how their husbands do not show up as husbands and fathers, it's a widespread issue, and you are telling us to "grow up" and not be "butthurt" about it? My husband doesn't do the stuff you do. I'm pissed about it. Why would that have anything to do with you?

If you are actually doing what you claim, you would be supportive of women who are trying to get their husbands to do the same, not yelling at them online. I will stop complaining when my DH stops petulantly refusing to do his fair share.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“ but the idea that there isnt universal coverage for the women actually having children and recovering from childbirth is bizarre.”

Go on the nanny forum and ask how many of them are willing to offer that benefit to their nannies.

Universal would be universal. I.e. available to all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before I logged on to DcUM, I just got off the phone with the ped’s office trying to get an earlier appointment for an anxiety med, after meeting with the therapist earlier this week, during an appointment that I made, based on emails that I exchanged with her (largely screenshots of text exchanges I had with my kid about her anxiety surrounding some exams….).

I told DW the where and when of the appointment.

Some of you are just blind to the fact that many dads are not as checked out as yours husbands are.

“ What I do hear constantly is women who are judged as being bad moms for working AND other moms who are judged for being lazy because the SAH.”

If you’re still butthurt about mommy war BS, you need to grow up. And newsflash, all that judgment comes exclusively from other women. When are you ever going to learn to ignore it?

+1. To the women of DCUM: on the eternal and nasty SAHM v. WOHM cage match, the call is coming from inside the house. That is all woman-on-woman mean girl BS. Stop blaming men for that.

Sorry about your reading comprehension skills. The PP was actually specifically arguing AGAINST the WOHM v. SAHM debate. That was the whole point of her comment -- "women who are judged as bad moms for working AND other moms who are judge for being lazy because they SAHM." Her point is that neither judgment is fair and yet they get thrown at women all the time because no woman is ever judged to be doing enough. It's an anti-mommy wars stance, arguing in favor of cutting women some freaking slack (the way we cut men slack all the time).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The article would be better if there were a list of things that women don’t have to worry about.

Cleaning the gutters? I mean, as long as she can call someone else to do it.

Otherwise, go ahead and list them.

Never worry about the grass getting cut

Never has to discuss whether the tires need to be rotated

Never gives actors sound in the car a 2nd thought

Doesn’t know the vets name or even where they are

Never worry about lightbulbs

Never need to replace a light switch or ceiling fan

Don’t worry about the kids learning an instrument since he teaches them that

Don’t need to talk sorta (though I can but not to the level they care to)

Never edited a paper

Mousetraps

Never even need to understand how to trim a tree

Have no clue what indigenous plants are

Never split wood

Never started a fire

Don’t clean cars

Never grilled anything ever

No clue what days the trash goes to the curb

No idea how to get large trash pickups

Never made coffee


I could obviously learn or do all these but I don’t need to

In what universe do only men edit papers? How bizarre.

And I am a woman and I do most of these things. The point is that incompetence is never attractive. Imagine not knowing how to do a large trash pickup, when trash day is, etc.

DP. I've never met a man who cared if his wife could handle a large trash pickup or clean out a mousetrap. I've known plenty of women who could, probably most, but I've never sat around with my dad friends wondering why our wives aren't the ones cleaning up dead animals around the house.

I am a wife and exclusively handle garbage pick up, including bulk pickup. I also manage the yard and do most of the small repairs around the house, and book someone if it's beyond my ability. I make sure the filters around the house get changed regularly, and I handle oil changes and gasing up the car, plus I'm the only one who ever vacuums out the car or wipes down the interior.

But go ahead and ask my husband about the last time he booked a hotel for a vacation, volunteered at the kid's school, spoke to our child's doctor, cut our child's fingernails, arranged camp or any childcare, etc.? The answer is either "years" or "never."

The reason women sit around talking about how men never do a lot of this stuff is because men truly never do it. You guys can't sit around talking about how women aren't doing these supposedly "manly" tasks because most of you aren't doing them! My DH has never, ever cleaned up a dead animal around the house! We recently had a vent cover fall off the exterior of the house and bird set up a nest in there and I handled the whole damn thing -- getting the nest out, attaching a new cover, etc. DH said he'd do it but then said he didn't know where to start and could I help, and in the end he just stood around while I did it.

The bean counting over petty tasks that are really women's work to begin with is absurd.