Want to raise happy, successful kids? ‘Wait as long as possible’ to give them a phone’ (Yale)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This comes directly from an expert at Yale:

- if you gave your kid a phone between ages 8 to 12, you did it wrong and need to take the phone away.

https://www.cnbc.com/2023/10/23/wait-as-long-as-possible-to-give-kids-a-phone-yale-psychology-expert.html

Oh, well if it’s from an “expert at Yale”. . . .

Sure it’s an opportunity cost to leave your kid on a phone for hours on end, but there are benefits. Like knowing when and which door to pick my kid up after their several hours of sport and after school activities - where they aren’t glued to their phones. There are no pay phones like back in our day. Also, you will see the age and restriction level shift drastically depending on which “expert” is flapping their gob. The only thing they can agree on is limit usage and monitor content.

no need to “take the phone away” unless you are just insecure and have a knee jerk reaction to every piece of advice.

It’s actually common sense but people are so stupid they need to hear it from experts. Defending your choice to give your young kids phones because you can’t handle two seconds of ambiguity about where to pick them up is straight up weird.

Uh.... that kid was 11. But if that's wierd to you....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think probably “phone” in this case is short for social media.

IMO, it makes sense to avoid social media for as long as possible.

But meanwhile a 12-year-old can get a smart phone with all the parental controls set up so that they can check their homework, play Spotify, check the weather or check a bus route, text their parents or friends, etc but not access social media or YouTube.

Parents really need to take the time to figure out how to set up and manage parental controls before they hand a young tween their first phone.

What if all the other kids in school are on social media ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think probably “phone” in this case is short for social media.

IMO, it makes sense to avoid social media for as long as possible.

But meanwhile a 12-year-old can get a smart phone with all the parental controls set up so that they can check their homework, play Spotify, check the weather or check a bus route, text their parents or friends, etc but not access social media or YouTube.

Parents really need to take the time to figure out how to set up and manage parental controls before they hand a young tween their first phone.

What if all the other kids in school are on social media ?

That’s why individual action doesn’t get you that far and regulation is needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think probably “phone” in this case is short for social media.

IMO, it makes sense to avoid social media for as long as possible.

But meanwhile a 12-year-old can get a smart phone with all the parental controls set up so that they can check their homework, play Spotify, check the weather or check a bus route, text their parents or friends, etc but not access social media or YouTube.

Parents really need to take the time to figure out how to set up and manage parental controls before they hand a young tween their first phone.

What if all the other kids in school are on social media ?

What if they are? (And many of them will be.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think probably “phone” in this case is short for social media.

IMO, it makes sense to avoid social media for as long as possible.

But meanwhile a 12-year-old can get a smart phone with all the parental controls set up so that they can check their homework, play Spotify, check the weather or check a bus route, text their parents or friends, etc but not access social media or YouTube.

Parents really need to take the time to figure out how to set up and manage parental controls before they hand a young tween their first phone.

What if all the other kids in school are on social media ?

That’s why individual action doesn’t get you that far and regulation is needed.

Individual action can get you really far with your own kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We successfully avoided screens for the most part until my oldest was 5. We had a weekly movie night, but that was pretty much it. She got an ipad on long plane trips or drives over 3 hours.

Then school gave her a laptop in K. She spends about 5 hours on it at school (we get a weekly screentime report) and then has "homework" on certain apps at night.

I think schools have to keep kids on laptops because they don't differentiate classrooms enough. There are way too many levels for one teacher to teach, so they use the laptops instead.

NP, facing a similar issue with the advent of school for my DC. Curious how that transition went for you all - tablet being introduced outside the home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think probably “phone” in this case is short for social media.

IMO, it makes sense to avoid social media for as long as possible.

But meanwhile a 12-year-old can get a smart phone with all the parental controls set up so that they can check their homework, play Spotify, check the weather or check a bus route, text their parents or friends, etc but not access social media or YouTube.

Parents really need to take the time to figure out how to set up and manage parental controls before they hand a young tween their first phone.

What if all the other kids in school are on social media ?

What if they are? (And many of them will be.)

My kid has been basically left out of any plans outside of school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This comes directly from an expert at Yale:

- if you gave your kid a phone between ages 8 to 12, you did it wrong and need to take the phone away.

https://www.cnbc.com/2023/10/23/wait-as-long-as-possible-to-give-kids-a-phone-yale-psychology-expert.html

Oh, well if it’s from an “expert at Yale”. . . .

Sure it’s an opportunity cost to leave your kid on a phone for hours on end, but there are benefits. Like knowing when and which door to pick my kid up after their several hours of sport and after school activities - where they aren’t glued to their phones. There are no pay phones like back in our day. Also, you will see the age and restriction level shift drastically depending on which “expert” is flapping their gob. The only thing they can agree on is limit usage and monitor content.

no need to “take the phone away” unless you are just insecure and have a knee jerk reaction to every piece of advice.

No pay phones? How many times in you childhood did you call your parents on a pay phone?

You arranged to get picked up after practice outside of door 4 at 6:15. If you were late, they would wait for you. If they were late, you would wait for them.

Have people just lost their minds?

Dating myself here, but I always tried to scrounge up quarters before going to the mall or movies so I could call my parents from the pay phone to arrange pick up. It was 50 cents. Wasn't necessary for after sports practice or other activities with a super clear end time, but for looser hangouts, I used it all the time!

I do think that the prevalence of phones makes us expect instant contact more than may be necessary, though. Next year my fourth grader will probably have to walk himself home from school once a week due to work conflicts (one parent will be working from home but has a recurring meeting at dismissal time). I've been thinking we need a "dumb phone" for him in case something goes wrong at the playground or on that one block walk, because his friends who do that have smart watches to contact their parents, but...do we really?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think probably “phone” in this case is short for social media.

IMO, it makes sense to avoid social media for as long as possible.

But meanwhile a 12-year-old can get a smart phone with all the parental controls set up so that they can check their homework, play Spotify, check the weather or check a bus route, text their parents or friends, etc but not access social media or YouTube.

Parents really need to take the time to figure out how to set up and manage parental controls before they hand a young tween their first phone.

What if all the other kids in school are on social media ?

What if they are? (And many of them will be.)

My kid has been basically left out of any plans outside of school.

Meh.

No social media in our home. My kids still make plans with other kids by actually talking with them (shocking, I know).

As far as these “social media only” plans? Hard pass.

Seriously, I do not want my kids associating with the SnapChat crowd.

Sure - my FFX kids are missing out on all the vape-sessions in the school toilets and the pill-parties.

You can parent your kids however you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This comes directly from an expert at Yale:

- if you gave your kid a phone between ages 8 to 12, you did it wrong and need to take the phone away.

https://www.cnbc.com/2023/10/23/wait-as-long-as-possible-to-give-kids-a-phone-yale-psychology-expert.html

Oh, well if it’s from an “expert at Yale”. . . .

Sure it’s an opportunity cost to leave your kid on a phone for hours on end, but there are benefits. Like knowing when and which door to pick my kid up after their several hours of sport and after school activities - where they aren’t glued to their phones. There are no pay phones like back in our day. Also, you will see the age and restriction level shift drastically depending on which “expert” is flapping their gob. The only thing they can agree on is limit usage and monitor content.

no need to “take the phone away” unless you are just insecure and have a knee jerk reaction to every piece of advice.

No pay phones? How many times in you childhood did you call your parents on a pay phone?

You arranged to get picked up after practice outside of door 4 at 6:15. If you were late, they would wait for you. If they were late, you would wait for them.

Have people just lost their minds?

Dating myself here, but I always tried to scrounge up quarters before going to the mall or movies so I could call my parents from the pay phone to arrange pick up. It was 50 cents. Wasn't necessary for after sports practice or other activities with a super clear end time, but for looser hangouts, I used it all the time!

I do think that the prevalence of phones makes us expect instant contact more than may be necessary, though. Next year my fourth grader will probably have to walk himself home from school once a week due to work conflicts (one parent will be working from home but has a recurring meeting at dismissal time). I've been thinking we need a "dumb phone" for him in case something goes wrong at the playground or on that one block walk, because his friends who do that have smart watches to contact their parents, but...do we really?

I don't think you need a phone. Our third grader walks two blocks home by herself three days a week and lets herself in the house because I have a meeting at school dismissal time. I told her that if she's not in the door by 4:05 (3:51 dismissal), then I'll go looking for her. She hasn't ever been late. She knows so many of our neighbors and has countless people to help if something went sideways. No phone needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This comes directly from an expert at Yale:

- if you gave your kid a phone between ages 8 to 12, you did it wrong and need to take the phone away.

https://www.cnbc.com/2023/10/23/wait-as-long-as-possible-to-give-kids-a-phone-yale-psychology-expert.html

Oh, well if it’s from an “expert at Yale”. . . .

Sure it’s an opportunity cost to leave your kid on a phone for hours on end, but there are benefits. Like knowing when and which door to pick my kid up after their several hours of sport and after school activities - where they aren’t glued to their phones. There are no pay phones like back in our day. Also, you will see the age and restriction level shift drastically depending on which “expert” is flapping their gob. The only thing they can agree on is limit usage and monitor content.

no need to “take the phone away” unless you are just insecure and have a knee jerk reaction to every piece of advice.

No pay phones? How many times in you childhood did you call your parents on a pay phone?

You arranged to get picked up after practice outside of door 4 at 6:15. If you were late, they would wait for you. If they were late, you would wait for them.

Have people just lost their minds?

Dating myself here, but I always tried to scrounge up quarters before going to the mall or movies so I could call my parents from the pay phone to arrange pick up. It was 50 cents. Wasn't necessary for after sports practice or other activities with a super clear end time, but for looser hangouts, I used it all the time!

I do think that the prevalence of phones makes us expect instant contact more than may be necessary, though. Next year my fourth grader will probably have to walk himself home from school once a week due to work conflicts (one parent will be working from home but has a recurring meeting at dismissal time). I've been thinking we need a "dumb phone" for him in case something goes wrong at the playground or on that one block walk, because his friends who do that have smart watches to contact their parents, but...do we really?

I don't think you need a phone. Our third grader walks two blocks home by herself three days a week and lets herself in the house because I have a meeting at school dismissal time. I told her that if she's not in the door by 4:05 (3:51 dismissal), then I'll go looking for her. She hasn't ever been late. She knows so many of our neighbors and has countless people to help if something went sideways. No phone needed.

DP, but I wonder - if she was late ever, would you be kicking yourself she doesn't have the dumb phone? My kids don't have any sort of phone and occasionally when my 12 year old is roaming the neighborhood and later than I expect I think "would be nice to text her."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This comes directly from an expert at Yale:

- if you gave your kid a phone between ages 8 to 12, you did it wrong and need to take the phone away.

https://www.cnbc.com/2023/10/23/wait-as-long-as-possible-to-give-kids-a-phone-yale-psychology-expert.html

Oh, well if it’s from an “expert at Yale”. . . .

Sure it’s an opportunity cost to leave your kid on a phone for hours on end, but there are benefits. Like knowing when and which door to pick my kid up after their several hours of sport and after school activities - where they aren’t glued to their phones. There are no pay phones like back in our day. Also, you will see the age and restriction level shift drastically depending on which “expert” is flapping their gob. The only thing they can agree on is limit usage and monitor content.

no need to “take the phone away” unless you are just insecure and have a knee jerk reaction to every piece of advice.

No pay phones? How many times in you childhood did you call your parents on a pay phone?

You arranged to get picked up after practice outside of door 4 at 6:15. If you were late, they would wait for you. If they were late, you would wait for them.

Have people just lost their minds?

Dating myself here, but I always tried to scrounge up quarters before going to the mall or movies so I could call my parents from the pay phone to arrange pick up. It was 50 cents. Wasn't necessary for after sports practice or other activities with a super clear end time, but for looser hangouts, I used it all the time!

I do think that the prevalence of phones makes us expect instant contact more than may be necessary, though. Next year my fourth grader will probably have to walk himself home from school once a week due to work conflicts (one parent will be working from home but has a recurring meeting at dismissal time). I've been thinking we need a "dumb phone" for him in case something goes wrong at the playground or on that one block walk, because his friends who do that have smart watches to contact their parents, but...do we really?

I don't think you need a phone. Our third grader walks two blocks home by herself three days a week and lets herself in the house because I have a meeting at school dismissal time. I told her that if she's not in the door by 4:05 (3:51 dismissal), then I'll go looking for her. She hasn't ever been late. She knows so many of our neighbors and has countless people to help if something went sideways. No phone needed.

DP, but I wonder - if she was late ever, would you be kicking yourself she doesn't have the dumb phone? My kids don't have any sort of phone and occasionally when my 12 year old is roaming the neighborhood and later than I expect I think "would be nice to text her."

I think that missing deadlines and figuring things out and facing those consequences are part of building trust and growing up. So, while it is more comforting for me to have a lifeline to my child at all times, I think it would probably do her a disservice to have that tether.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think probably “phone” in this case is short for social media.

IMO, it makes sense to avoid social media for as long as possible.

But meanwhile a 12-year-old can get a smart phone with all the parental controls set up so that they can check their homework, play Spotify, check the weather or check a bus route, text their parents or friends, etc but not access social media or YouTube.

Parents really need to take the time to figure out how to set up and manage parental controls before they hand a young tween their first phone.

What if all the other kids in school are on social media ?

What if they are? (And many of them will be.)

My kid has been basically left out of any plans outside of school.

Meh.

No social media in our home. My kids still make plans with other kids by actually talking with them (shocking, I know).

As far as these “social media only” plans? Hard pass.

Seriously, I do not want my kids associating with the SnapChat crowd.

Sure - my FFX kids are missing out on all the vape-sessions in the school toilets and the pill-parties.

You can parent your kids however you want.

First pp here. I agree, that’s why my kid doesn’t have social media. I just feel bad seeing her miss out on plans. It seems like they moved from group texting to social media chats to make plans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think probably “phone” in this case is short for social media.

IMO, it makes sense to avoid social media for as long as possible.

But meanwhile a 12-year-old can get a smart phone with all the parental controls set up so that they can check their homework, play Spotify, check the weather or check a bus route, text their parents or friends, etc but not access social media or YouTube.

Parents really need to take the time to figure out how to set up and manage parental controls before they hand a young tween their first phone.

What if all the other kids in school are on social media ?

What if they are? (And many of them will be.)

My kid has been basically left out of any plans outside of school.

The truth is you have no way of knowing if she would have been included if she social media. Social media can make kids even more exclusive and nasty and then your kid potentially has to see photos of their supposed friends doing stuff without them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This comes directly from an expert at Yale:

- if you gave your kid a phone between ages 8 to 12, you did it wrong and need to take the phone away.

https://www.cnbc.com/2023/10/23/wait-as-long-as-possible-to-give-kids-a-phone-yale-psychology-expert.html

Oh, well if it’s from an “expert at Yale”. . . .

Sure it’s an opportunity cost to leave your kid on a phone for hours on end, but there are benefits. Like knowing when and which door to pick my kid up after their several hours of sport and after school activities - where they aren’t glued to their phones. There are no pay phones like back in our day. Also, you will see the age and restriction level shift drastically depending on which “expert” is flapping their gob. The only thing they can agree on is limit usage and monitor content.

no need to “take the phone away” unless you are just insecure and have a knee jerk reaction to every piece of advice.

No pay phones? How many times in you childhood did you call your parents on a pay phone?

You arranged to get picked up after practice outside of door 4 at 6:15. If you were late, they would wait for you. If they were late, you would wait for them.

Have people just lost their minds?

Dating myself here, but I always tried to scrounge up quarters before going to the mall or movies so I could call my parents from the pay phone to arrange pick up. It was 50 cents. Wasn't necessary for after sports practice or other activities with a super clear end time, but for looser hangouts, I used it all the time!

I do think that the prevalence of phones makes us expect instant contact more than may be necessary, though. Next year my fourth grader will probably have to walk himself home from school once a week due to work conflicts (one parent will be working from home but has a recurring meeting at dismissal time). I've been thinking we need a "dumb phone" for him in case something goes wrong at the playground or on that one block walk, because his friends who do that have smart watches to contact their parents, but...do we really?

I don't think you need a phone. Our third grader walks two blocks home by herself three days a week and lets herself in the house because I have a meeting at school dismissal time. I told her that if she's not in the door by 4:05 (3:51 dismissal), then I'll go looking for her. She hasn't ever been late. She knows so many of our neighbors and has countless people to help if something went sideways. No phone needed.

DP, but I wonder - if she was late ever, would you be kicking yourself she doesn't have the dumb phone? My kids don't have any sort of phone and occasionally when my 12 year old is roaming the neighborhood and later than I expect I think "would be nice to text her."

I think that missing deadlines and figuring things out and facing those consequences are part of building trust and growing up. So, while it is more comforting for me to have a lifeline to my child at all times, I think it would probably do her a disservice to have that tether.

PP who asked and I appreciate your perspective.