managing negative emotions about grieving relatives

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your dislike, disdain, and pure hatred against your sister means you should own it and not go.

You are blaming her for the death of that child, and gossiping about it behind her back. You’re fuelling the fire that it’s her fault, and it’s not. Tragic things happen. Extreme sports are dangerous, but it’s not less tragic when a death happens. I know of kids that have died horseback riding, been paralyzed from gymnastics, or had heart attacks on the football field. My own twin brother died of SIDS. Was my mother to blame for putting him to sleep that night?

Now, the racism thing is a little harder. You’re lashing out because your child is hurt, wondering if they’re talking about her behind her back, but don’t realize her response is because you talk sh$t about your family behind THEIR backs?

I’m not sure Of the slur or the context, but in the case of a one off from a teen with horrified parents, I’d say some education is what’s needed. No, it’s not up to anyone to educate people on how to not be racist (or any other kind of -ist), but education can go a long way to eliminating the impact that you talk about. It shouldn’t be so confusing, but to a teenager who hears certain slurs in songs or on social
Media, they may not really get how harmful words in the real world and out of context can be. I’m sorry his apology didn’t suit, but it also may be he’s a teenage boy who
Isn’t supposed to have feelings to start with, feeling guilty and confused and not knowing HOW to apologize to your daughter. No amount of coaching by his parents is going to hit home in the way a peer’s side of things is going to. I don’t know any teenage boy who is going to say anything meaningful with an audience of 4 angry parents watching over him.

Skip the funeral. You’re too invested in the negative to make a meaningful impact. You only want to go to save YOUR face, and that’s a shifty position for someone trying to pretend they’re all Puppies and rainbows.

She is also blaming her sister for her child’s use of the slur. I can’t tell you how many teens of progressive DC area parents I have heard of saying these things. Sister communicated what the kid did was unacceptable made the kid apologize. Is OP expecting a written out 3 page apology letter from a surly teen? Clearly sister is not a responsible parent. OP is a bitter and resentful person. I also think she should skip the entire event.

I think OP is a normal grieving person with an imperfect family and who is imperfect herself, and trying to navigate racism towards her biracial child , which is really difficult. I think you are a total jerk.

There hasn't been any part of anything OP has said that makes it sound like they are grieving. Or maybe I just can't see it though their superiority complex and constant putting down of sister.

You are either lying or have no idea what grief looks like.

Ah yes. Talking about the trainwreck sister. The racist nephew. The sister who never taught her kid to apologize. The "I told you so" surrounding the death. Worrying how OP is going to keep their mouth shut about the above and just support sister. Yes, lots of grieving there b

So you don't know what grief looks like. Why are you posting here? Literally doing anything else would be a better use of your time.

So weird. None of the grief I've gone through in life has ever looked like this

Grief often presents as anger. It's literally the second stage of grief.

Except all these feelings and anger were present before the death. I don't see how anyone can defend OP. She's vile

Ugh you’re disgusting. As another PP said, you’re just bullying OP, who is also grieving her nephew in her own complicated way. Does it make you feel better to pile on suffering people?

[Anonymous]

What was the gist of the slur OP? You said the kid meant it as a joke, which makes me think it wasn’t anything so egregious as the N word. And if by your own admission he meant it as a joke (and I do realize intent doesn’t completely absolve him) why are you holding onto this grudge? It sounds like you know he wasn’t trying to hurt your child intentionally. Sounds like a dumb teen. For all you know he has matured since then. Seems like you’re predisposed to judging your sister’s family.

And you know, maybe the extreme sport isn’t a risk you’d take with your kid. But I’m willing to bet you allow her to take risks other parents wouldn’t. I’m sure you are constantly balancing her overall wellbeing with keeping her in a bubble. For all you know your sister allowed her son to engage in the extreme sport because he is a thrill seeker and it seemed like a better option than him getting involved with a partying/drug crowd. Or the sport helped him overcome some mental health issues. Or whatever. Clearly she and her son decided there was some value in it despite the risks, and unfortunately this child came out on the unfortunate end of statistics.

I have a family friend who lost a child in an ATV accident. I would never allow my kids to ride on one, but I get that they live in a rural area and it’s a common pastime, so I have only sympathy, not judgment.

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m sorry you’re getting so much grief here. I think everyone is right about not just not participating in gossip but actively helping to shut it down when you can.

I get your feelings. My sister is wealthy and educated, in her 40s, and refuses to wear a seatbelt or buckle her kids into car seats. They have car seats, but the preschoolers sit in them unbuckled. I’m afraid for them because she also messed with her phone while driving, mostly talking but also texting and messing with maps. I’ve literally been on the phone with her while she was driving and hear her tell her 2yo to get out of their seat and pick up a toy that was dropped because she couldn’t reach it. If someday, god forbid, she has an accident and her children are killed especially if it’s due to her poor driving and their lack of proper restraints, I suppose all the PPs here would say I shouldn’t judge her. That’s nonsense. I won’t say to her that she FAFO at the funeral, but sometimes a child’s death is a direct cause of the parent's neglect. I like to think I could rise above saying that to her ever, but I’m human and I know how angry I already am that she endangers her kids.

I dont blame parents for every little thing, but yeah, sometimes people make really bad choices with quite predictable life threatening consequences. It sounds like OP’s nephew’s hobby was quite dangerous, and I thinn it’s normal to feel some judgment and anger toward her sister. I also think it’s smart to have a plan for what she’ll say when people approach her with judgmental comments so she can respond appropriately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your dislike, disdain, and pure hatred against your sister means you should own it and not go.

You are blaming her for the death of that child, and gossiping about it behind her back. You’re fuelling the fire that it’s her fault, and it’s not. Tragic things happen. Extreme sports are dangerous, but it’s not less tragic when a death happens. I know of kids that have died horseback riding, been paralyzed from gymnastics, or had heart attacks on the football field. My own twin brother died of SIDS. Was my mother to blame for putting him to sleep that night?

Now, the racism thing is a little harder. You’re lashing out because your child is hurt, wondering if they’re talking about her behind her back, but don’t realize her response is because you talk sh$t about your family behind THEIR backs?

I’m not sure Of the slur or the context, but in the case of a one off from a teen with horrified parents, I’d say some education is what’s needed. No, it’s not up to anyone to educate people on how to not be racist (or any other kind of -ist), but education can go a long way to eliminating the impact that you talk about. It shouldn’t be so confusing, but to a teenager who hears certain slurs in songs or on social
Media, they may not really get how harmful words in the real world and out of context can be. I’m sorry his apology didn’t suit, but it also may be he’s a teenage boy who
Isn’t supposed to have feelings to start with, feeling guilty and confused and not knowing HOW to apologize to your daughter. No amount of coaching by his parents is going to hit home in the way a peer’s side of things is going to. I don’t know any teenage boy who is going to say anything meaningful with an audience of 4 angry parents watching over him.

Skip the funeral. You’re too invested in the negative to make a meaningful impact. You only want to go to save YOUR face, and that’s a shifty position for someone trying to pretend they’re all Puppies and rainbows.

She is also blaming her sister for her child’s use of the slur. I can’t tell you how many teens of progressive DC area parents I have heard of saying these things. Sister communicated what the kid did was unacceptable made the kid apologize. Is OP expecting a written out 3 page apology letter from a surly teen? Clearly sister is not a responsible parent. OP is a bitter and resentful person. I also think she should skip the entire event.

I think OP is a normal grieving person with an imperfect family and who is imperfect herself, and trying to navigate racism towards her biracial child , which is really difficult. I think you are a total jerk.

There hasn't been any part of anything OP has said that makes it sound like they are grieving. Or maybe I just can't see it though their superiority complex and constant putting down of sister.

You are either lying or have no idea what grief looks like.

Ah yes. Talking about the trainwreck sister. The racist nephew. The sister who never taught her kid to apologize. The "I told you so" surrounding the death. Worrying how OP is going to keep their mouth shut about the above and just support sister. Yes, lots of grieving there b

So you don't know what grief looks like. Why are you posting here? Literally doing anything else would be a better use of your time.

So weird. None of the grief I've gone through in life has ever looked like this

Grief often presents as anger. It's literally the second stage of grief.

You're right, grief often presents as anger. It would be very normal for a grieving OP to present as angry at the unnamed activity that took her nephew/niece's life, angry at god, angry at intact families, angry at herself for not attending the funeral, angry at his mother for allowing him to do the activity - if she were actually engaged in a grieving process for this child. But there is no sense of grief in her post. Just, how do I keep my mouth shut when I know better how this child should have been parented and I find it ridiculous that his parents allowed this? This is not a stage of grief. This is the opposite of grief work. It's like saying that the reason OP didn't go to the funeral was that she was in the "denial" stage of grief. No, sorry. There's no indicia of grief here.

On the one hand, as a grieving mom myself, I'm tempted to tell OP to stay away. On the other hand, my brother and his family and my family were not close when my child died. There had been a lot of incidents. But they all came to the funeral and it led to a turning of the page and a new relationship. Can you not use this death as way to forge a new relationship?

One thing I can tell you OP, your sister well never be the same person she was after this death. That person is gone. Whatever you are holding against, it doesn't matter. That old person died too when her child died.

[Anonymous]

OP, as I think you realize, this is not the time for intellectualizing. Your sister and her family lost a child. If you want to support your family at their worst time, try to start working through your own difficult feelings. Let yourself begin grieving, without blaming others (or imagining how others might be blaming your sister—that’s not your concern). This was a loss for you and your child as well. When you visit, just your being there, without judgment, and with appreciation for their child and the depth of their loss, will be a comfort to your sister and family.

At a later time, you also might consider facing some of your own insecurities more deeply. It seems like you’re struggling to manage your emotions and reactions with your origin family. Why not talk to someone helpful about this? Your goal to accept your differences from your initial family is healthy. You deserve to come to a more peaceful place, and that will help ensure your child doesn’t have to carry that emotional legacy for you. It would be a gift to you, your child, and even to your family of origin.

I’m so very sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

We were a military family who did these visits from abroad for several years. One thing that we realized too late was that my husband and I had this dynamic where we would spend d a week with his family or my family and then Spend the next six weeks dissecting every word, every glance (I.e. What do you think your sister meant when she said . . . ?) We realized later that the whole dissecting thing was unhelpful. Your siblings and extended family aren’t doing that. They see you, have lunch and then go to soccer, to work. They are not hyper fixating on your conversations and have likely forgotten about them and you once you left. You are the only one who is still fixated on the racist remark, picturing hypothetical conversations and planning responses. This is kind of a you thing. We kind of have an agreement now that we go and have the visit but do t obsess about it before or after.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your dislike, disdain, and pure hatred against your sister means you should own it and not go.

You are blaming her for the death of that child, and gossiping about it behind her back. You’re fuelling the fire that it’s her fault, and it’s not. Tragic things happen. Extreme sports are dangerous, but it’s not less tragic when a death happens. I know of kids that have died horseback riding, been paralyzed from gymnastics, or had heart attacks on the football field. My own twin brother died of SIDS. Was my mother to blame for putting him to sleep that night?

Now, the racism thing is a little harder. You’re lashing out because your child is hurt, wondering if they’re talking about her behind her back, but don’t realize her response is because you talk sh$t about your family behind THEIR backs?

I’m not sure Of the slur or the context, but in the case of a one off from a teen with horrified parents, I’d say some education is what’s needed. No, it’s not up to anyone to educate people on how to not be racist (or any other kind of -ist), but education can go a long way to eliminating the impact that you talk about. It shouldn’t be so confusing, but to a teenager who hears certain slurs in songs or on social
Media, they may not really get how harmful words in the real world and out of context can be. I’m sorry his apology didn’t suit, but it also may be he’s a teenage boy who
Isn’t supposed to have feelings to start with, feeling guilty and confused and not knowing HOW to apologize to your daughter. No amount of coaching by his parents is going to hit home in the way a peer’s side of things is going to. I don’t know any teenage boy who is going to say anything meaningful with an audience of 4 angry parents watching over him.

Skip the funeral. You’re too invested in the negative to make a meaningful impact. You only want to go to save YOUR face, and that’s a shifty position for someone trying to pretend they’re all Puppies and rainbows.

She is also blaming her sister for her child’s use of the slur. I can’t tell you how many teens of progressive DC area parents I have heard of saying these things. Sister communicated what the kid did was unacceptable made the kid apologize. Is OP expecting a written out 3 page apology letter from a surly teen? Clearly sister is not a responsible parent. OP is a bitter and resentful person. I also think she should skip the entire event.

I think OP is a normal grieving person with an imperfect family and who is imperfect herself, and trying to navigate racism towards her biracial child , which is really difficult. I think you are a total jerk.

There hasn't been any part of anything OP has said that makes it sound like they are grieving. Or maybe I just can't see it though their superiority complex and constant putting down of sister.

You are either lying or have no idea what grief looks like.

Ah yes. Talking about the trainwreck sister. The racist nephew. The sister who never taught her kid to apologize. The "I told you so" surrounding the death. Worrying how OP is going to keep their mouth shut about the above and just support sister. Yes, lots of grieving there b

So you don't know what grief looks like. Why are you posting here? Literally doing anything else would be a better use of your time.

So weird. None of the grief I've gone through in life has ever looked like this

Grief often presents as anger. It's literally the second stage of grief.

You're right, grief often presents as anger. It would be very normal for a grieving OP to present as angry at the unnamed activity that took her nephew/niece's life, angry at god, angry at intact families, angry at herself for not attending the funeral, angry at his mother for allowing him to do the activity - if she were actually engaged in a grieving process for this child. But there is no sense of grief in her post. Just, how do I keep my mouth shut when I know better how this child should have been parented and I find it ridiculous that his parents allowed this? This is not a stage of grief. This is the opposite of grief work. It's like saying that the reason OP didn't go to the funeral was that she was in the "denial" stage of grief. No, sorry. There's no indicia of grief here.

On the one hand, as a grieving mom myself, I'm tempted to tell OP to stay away. On the other hand, my brother and his family and my family were not close when my child died. There had been a lot of incidents. But they all came to the funeral and it led to a turning of the page and a new relationship. Can you not use this death as way to forge a new relationship?

One thing I can tell you OP, your sister well never be the same person she was after this death. That person is gone. Whatever you are holding against, it doesn't matter. That old person died too when her child died.

I absolutely see grief in her post. I also recognize that, obviously, she is not posting with the intent of sharing her grief, she is asking about a specific issue. This is a common bullying tactic on DCUM - a person posts about a specific aspect of a serious situation and then posters jump all over her because she didn't share the entire contents of her psyche with regards to that situation, and call a person going through a horrible situation, a terrible person. Just for fun I guess? Because I can't imagine you actually think OP's posts here represent the entirety of her feelings on this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your dislike, disdain, and pure hatred against your sister means you should own it and not go.

You are blaming her for the death of that child, and gossiping about it behind her back. You’re fuelling the fire that it’s her fault, and it’s not. Tragic things happen. Extreme sports are dangerous, but it’s not less tragic when a death happens. I know of kids that have died horseback riding, been paralyzed from gymnastics, or had heart attacks on the football field. My own twin brother died of SIDS. Was my mother to blame for putting him to sleep that night?

Now, the racism thing is a little harder. You’re lashing out because your child is hurt, wondering if they’re talking about her behind her back, but don’t realize her response is because you talk sh$t about your family behind THEIR backs?

I’m not sure Of the slur or the context, but in the case of a one off from a teen with horrified parents, I’d say some education is what’s needed. No, it’s not up to anyone to educate people on how to not be racist (or any other kind of -ist), but education can go a long way to eliminating the impact that you talk about. It shouldn’t be so confusing, but to a teenager who hears certain slurs in songs or on social
Media, they may not really get how harmful words in the real world and out of context can be. I’m sorry his apology didn’t suit, but it also may be he’s a teenage boy who
Isn’t supposed to have feelings to start with, feeling guilty and confused and not knowing HOW to apologize to your daughter. No amount of coaching by his parents is going to hit home in the way a peer’s side of things is going to. I don’t know any teenage boy who is going to say anything meaningful with an audience of 4 angry parents watching over him.

Skip the funeral. You’re too invested in the negative to make a meaningful impact. You only want to go to save YOUR face, and that’s a shifty position for someone trying to pretend they’re all Puppies and rainbows.

She is also blaming her sister for her child’s use of the slur. I can’t tell you how many teens of progressive DC area parents I have heard of saying these things. Sister communicated what the kid did was unacceptable made the kid apologize. Is OP expecting a written out 3 page apology letter from a surly teen? Clearly sister is not a responsible parent. OP is a bitter and resentful person. I also think she should skip the entire event.

I think OP is a normal grieving person with an imperfect family and who is imperfect herself, and trying to navigate racism towards her biracial child , which is really difficult. I think you are a total jerk.

There hasn't been any part of anything OP has said that makes it sound like they are grieving. Or maybe I just can't see it though their superiority complex and constant putting down of sister.

You are either lying or have no idea what grief looks like.

Ah yes. Talking about the trainwreck sister. The racist nephew. The sister who never taught her kid to apologize. The "I told you so" surrounding the death. Worrying how OP is going to keep their mouth shut about the above and just support sister. Yes, lots of grieving there b

So you don't know what grief looks like. Why are you posting here? Literally doing anything else would be a better use of your time.

So weird. None of the grief I've gone through in life has ever looked like this

Grief often presents as anger. It's literally the second stage of grief.

You're right, grief often presents as anger. It would be very normal for a grieving OP to present as angry at the unnamed activity that took her nephew/niece's life, angry at god, angry at intact families, angry at herself for not attending the funeral, angry at his mother for allowing him to do the activity - if she were actually engaged in a grieving process for this child. But there is no sense of grief in her post. Just, how do I keep my mouth shut when I know better how this child should have been parented and I find it ridiculous that his parents allowed this? This is not a stage of grief. This is the opposite of grief work. It's like saying that the reason OP didn't go to the funeral was that she was in the "denial" stage of grief. No, sorry. There's no indicia of grief here.

On the one hand, as a grieving mom myself, I'm tempted to tell OP to stay away. On the other hand, my brother and his family and my family were not close when my child died. There had been a lot of incidents. But they all came to the funeral and it led to a turning of the page and a new relationship. Can you not use this death as way to forge a new relationship?

One thing I can tell you OP, your sister well never be the same person she was after this death. That person is gone. Whatever you are holding against, it doesn't matter. That old person died too when her child died.

I absolutely see grief in her post. I also recognize that, obviously, she is not posting with the intent of sharing her grief, she is asking about a specific issue. This is a common bullying tactic on DCUM - a person posts about a specific aspect of a serious situation and then posters jump all over her because she didn't share the entire contents of her psyche with regards to that situation, and call a person going through a horrible situation, a terrible person. Just for fun I guess? Because I can't imagine you actually think OP's posts here represent the entirety of her feelings on this situation.

+1. The posters jumping all over her and calling her vile and whatnot are the actual terrible people. Who bullies someone who’s lost someone close and is trying to process complex feelings about the situation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your dislike, disdain, and pure hatred against your sister means you should own it and not go.

You are blaming her for the death of that child, and gossiping about it behind her back. You’re fuelling the fire that it’s her fault, and it’s not. Tragic things happen. Extreme sports are dangerous, but it’s not less tragic when a death happens. I know of kids that have died horseback riding, been paralyzed from gymnastics, or had heart attacks on the football field. My own twin brother died of SIDS. Was my mother to blame for putting him to sleep that night?

Now, the racism thing is a little harder. You’re lashing out because your child is hurt, wondering if they’re talking about her behind her back, but don’t realize her response is because you talk sh$t about your family behind THEIR backs?

I’m not sure Of the slur or the context, but in the case of a one off from a teen with horrified parents, I’d say some education is what’s needed. No, it’s not up to anyone to educate people on how to not be racist (or any other kind of -ist), but education can go a long way to eliminating the impact that you talk about. It shouldn’t be so confusing, but to a teenager who hears certain slurs in songs or on social
Media, they may not really get how harmful words in the real world and out of context can be. I’m sorry his apology didn’t suit, but it also may be he’s a teenage boy who
Isn’t supposed to have feelings to start with, feeling guilty and confused and not knowing HOW to apologize to your daughter. No amount of coaching by his parents is going to hit home in the way a peer’s side of things is going to. I don’t know any teenage boy who is going to say anything meaningful with an audience of 4 angry parents watching over him.

Skip the funeral. You’re too invested in the negative to make a meaningful impact. You only want to go to save YOUR face, and that’s a shifty position for someone trying to pretend they’re all Puppies and rainbows.

She is also blaming her sister for her child’s use of the slur. I can’t tell you how many teens of progressive DC area parents I have heard of saying these things. Sister communicated what the kid did was unacceptable made the kid apologize. Is OP expecting a written out 3 page apology letter from a surly teen? Clearly sister is not a responsible parent. OP is a bitter and resentful person. I also think she should skip the entire event.

I think OP is a normal grieving person with an imperfect family and who is imperfect herself, and trying to navigate racism towards her biracial child , which is really difficult. I think you are a total jerk.

There hasn't been any part of anything OP has said that makes it sound like they are grieving. Or maybe I just can't see it though their superiority complex and constant putting down of sister.

You are either lying or have no idea what grief looks like.

Ah yes. Talking about the trainwreck sister. The racist nephew. The sister who never taught her kid to apologize. The "I told you so" surrounding the death. Worrying how OP is going to keep their mouth shut about the above and just support sister. Yes, lots of grieving there b

So you don't know what grief looks like. Why are you posting here? Literally doing anything else would be a better use of your time.

So weird. None of the grief I've gone through in life has ever looked like this

Grief often presents as anger. It's literally the second stage of grief.

You're right, grief often presents as anger. It would be very normal for a grieving OP to present as angry at the unnamed activity that took her nephew/niece's life, angry at god, angry at intact families, angry at herself for not attending the funeral, angry at his mother for allowing him to do the activity - if she were actually engaged in a grieving process for this child. But there is no sense of grief in her post. Just, how do I keep my mouth shut when I know better how this child should have been parented and I find it ridiculous that his parents allowed this? This is not a stage of grief. This is the opposite of grief work. It's like saying that the reason OP didn't go to the funeral was that she was in the "denial" stage of grief. No, sorry. There's no indicia of grief here.

On the one hand, as a grieving mom myself, I'm tempted to tell OP to stay away. On the other hand, my brother and his family and my family were not close when my child died. There had been a lot of incidents. But they all came to the funeral and it led to a turning of the page and a new relationship. Can you not use this death as way to forge a new relationship?

One thing I can tell you OP, your sister well never be the same person she was after this death. That person is gone. Whatever you are holding against, it doesn't matter. That old person died too when her child died.

I absolutely see grief in her post. I also recognize that, obviously, she is not posting with the intent of sharing her grief, she is asking about a specific issue. This is a common bullying tactic on DCUM - a person posts about a specific aspect of a serious situation and then posters jump all over her because she didn't share the entire contents of her psyche with regards to that situation, and call a person going through a horrible situation, a terrible person. Just for fun I guess? Because I can't imagine you actually think OP's posts here represent the entirety of her feelings on this situation.

+1. The posters jumping all over her and calling her vile and whatnot are the actual terrible people. Who bullies someone who’s lost someone close and is trying to process complex feelings about the situation?

Because calling losing a child >>>>>>>>>>>>> a child being called a name. OP is making this all about her and not at all about her sister and her tragic loss. A normal person would forget all about the past and be there for her sister in her time of need. But not OP. She needs to be the star of this show.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your dislike, disdain, and pure hatred against your sister means you should own it and not go.

You are blaming her for the death of that child, and gossiping about it behind her back. You’re fuelling the fire that it’s her fault, and it’s not. Tragic things happen. Extreme sports are dangerous, but it’s not less tragic when a death happens. I know of kids that have died horseback riding, been paralyzed from gymnastics, or had heart attacks on the football field. My own twin brother died of SIDS. Was my mother to blame for putting him to sleep that night?

Now, the racism thing is a little harder. You’re lashing out because your child is hurt, wondering if they’re talking about her behind her back, but don’t realize her response is because you talk sh$t about your family behind THEIR backs?

I’m not sure Of the slur or the context, but in the case of a one off from a teen with horrified parents, I’d say some education is what’s needed. No, it’s not up to anyone to educate people on how to not be racist (or any other kind of -ist), but education can go a long way to eliminating the impact that you talk about. It shouldn’t be so confusing, but to a teenager who hears certain slurs in songs or on social
Media, they may not really get how harmful words in the real world and out of context can be. I’m sorry his apology didn’t suit, but it also may be he’s a teenage boy who
Isn’t supposed to have feelings to start with, feeling guilty and confused and not knowing HOW to apologize to your daughter. No amount of coaching by his parents is going to hit home in the way a peer’s side of things is going to. I don’t know any teenage boy who is going to say anything meaningful with an audience of 4 angry parents watching over him.

Skip the funeral. You’re too invested in the negative to make a meaningful impact. You only want to go to save YOUR face, and that’s a shifty position for someone trying to pretend they’re all Puppies and rainbows.

She is also blaming her sister for her child’s use of the slur. I can’t tell you how many teens of progressive DC area parents I have heard of saying these things. Sister communicated what the kid did was unacceptable made the kid apologize. Is OP expecting a written out 3 page apology letter from a surly teen? Clearly sister is not a responsible parent. OP is a bitter and resentful person. I also think she should skip the entire event.

I think OP is a normal grieving person with an imperfect family and who is imperfect herself, and trying to navigate racism towards her biracial child , which is really difficult. I think you are a total jerk.

There hasn't been any part of anything OP has said that makes it sound like they are grieving. Or maybe I just can't see it though their superiority complex and constant putting down of sister.

You are either lying or have no idea what grief looks like.

Ah yes. Talking about the trainwreck sister. The racist nephew. The sister who never taught her kid to apologize. The "I told you so" surrounding the death. Worrying how OP is going to keep their mouth shut about the above and just support sister. Yes, lots of grieving there b

So you don't know what grief looks like. Why are you posting here? Literally doing anything else would be a better use of your time.

So weird. None of the grief I've gone through in life has ever looked like this

Grief often presents as anger. It's literally the second stage of grief.

Except all these feelings and anger were present before the death. I don't see how anyone can defend OP. She's vile

Because you’ve never been angry at or judgmental of a sibling. No siree Bob.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your dislike, disdain, and pure hatred against your sister means you should own it and not go.

You are blaming her for the death of that child, and gossiping about it behind her back. You’re fuelling the fire that it’s her fault, and it’s not. Tragic things happen. Extreme sports are dangerous, but it’s not less tragic when a death happens. I know of kids that have died horseback riding, been paralyzed from gymnastics, or had heart attacks on the football field. My own twin brother died of SIDS. Was my mother to blame for putting him to sleep that night?

Now, the racism thing is a little harder. You’re lashing out because your child is hurt, wondering if they’re talking about her behind her back, but don’t realize her response is because you talk sh$t about your family behind THEIR backs?

I’m not sure Of the slur or the context, but in the case of a one off from a teen with horrified parents, I’d say some education is what’s needed. No, it’s not up to anyone to educate people on how to not be racist (or any other kind of -ist), but education can go a long way to eliminating the impact that you talk about. It shouldn’t be so confusing, but to a teenager who hears certain slurs in songs or on social
Media, they may not really get how harmful words in the real world and out of context can be. I’m sorry his apology didn’t suit, but it also may be he’s a teenage boy who
Isn’t supposed to have feelings to start with, feeling guilty and confused and not knowing HOW to apologize to your daughter. No amount of coaching by his parents is going to hit home in the way a peer’s side of things is going to. I don’t know any teenage boy who is going to say anything meaningful with an audience of 4 angry parents watching over him.

Skip the funeral. You’re too invested in the negative to make a meaningful impact. You only want to go to save YOUR face, and that’s a shifty position for someone trying to pretend they’re all Puppies and rainbows.

She is also blaming her sister for her child’s use of the slur. I can’t tell you how many teens of progressive DC area parents I have heard of saying these things. Sister communicated what the kid did was unacceptable made the kid apologize. Is OP expecting a written out 3 page apology letter from a surly teen? Clearly sister is not a responsible parent. OP is a bitter and resentful person. I also think she should skip the entire event.

I think OP is a normal grieving person with an imperfect family and who is imperfect herself, and trying to navigate racism towards her biracial child , which is really difficult. I think you are a total jerk.

There hasn't been any part of anything OP has said that makes it sound like they are grieving. Or maybe I just can't see it though their superiority complex and constant putting down of sister.

You are either lying or have no idea what grief looks like.

Ah yes. Talking about the trainwreck sister. The racist nephew. The sister who never taught her kid to apologize. The "I told you so" surrounding the death. Worrying how OP is going to keep their mouth shut about the above and just support sister. Yes, lots of grieving there b

So you don't know what grief looks like. Why are you posting here? Literally doing anything else would be a better use of your time.

So weird. None of the grief I've gone through in life has ever looked like this

Grief often presents as anger. It's literally the second stage of grief.

You're right, grief often presents as anger. It would be very normal for a grieving OP to present as angry at the unnamed activity that took her nephew/niece's life, angry at god, angry at intact families, angry at herself for not attending the funeral, angry at his mother for allowing him to do the activity - if she were actually engaged in a grieving process for this child. But there is no sense of grief in her post. Just, how do I keep my mouth shut when I know better how this child should have been parented and I find it ridiculous that his parents allowed this? This is not a stage of grief. This is the opposite of grief work. It's like saying that the reason OP didn't go to the funeral was that she was in the "denial" stage of grief. No, sorry. There's no indicia of grief here.

On the one hand, as a grieving mom myself, I'm tempted to tell OP to stay away. On the other hand, my brother and his family and my family were not close when my child died. There had been a lot of incidents. But they all came to the funeral and it led to a turning of the page and a new relationship. Can you not use this death as way to forge a new relationship?

One thing I can tell you OP, your sister well never be the same person she was after this death. That person is gone. Whatever you are holding against, it doesn't matter. That old person died too when her child died.

I absolutely see grief in her post. I also recognize that, obviously, she is not posting with the intent of sharing her grief, she is asking about a specific issue. This is a common bullying tactic on DCUM - a person posts about a specific aspect of a serious situation and then posters jump all over her because she didn't share the entire contents of her psyche with regards to that situation, and call a person going through a horrible situation, a terrible person. Just for fun I guess? Because I can't imagine you actually think OP's posts here represent the entirety of her feelings on this situation.

+1. The posters jumping all over her and calling her vile and whatnot are the actual terrible people. Who bullies someone who’s lost someone close and is trying to process complex feelings about the situation?

Because calling losing a child >>>>>>>>>>>>> a child being called a name. OP is making this all about her and not at all about her sister and her tragic loss. A normal person would forget all about the past and be there for her sister in her time of need. But not OP. She needs to be the star of this show.

But you, you are an awesome person. Awesome people talk like this about a person processing the death of a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your dislike, disdain, and pure hatred against your sister means you should own it and not go.

You are blaming her for the death of that child, and gossiping about it behind her back. You’re fuelling the fire that it’s her fault, and it’s not. Tragic things happen. Extreme sports are dangerous, but it’s not less tragic when a death happens. I know of kids that have died horseback riding, been paralyzed from gymnastics, or had heart attacks on the football field. My own twin brother died of SIDS. Was my mother to blame for putting him to sleep that night?

Now, the racism thing is a little harder. You’re lashing out because your child is hurt, wondering if they’re talking about her behind her back, but don’t realize her response is because you talk sh$t about your family behind THEIR backs?

I’m not sure Of the slur or the context, but in the case of a one off from a teen with horrified parents, I’d say some education is what’s needed. No, it’s not up to anyone to educate people on how to not be racist (or any other kind of -ist), but education can go a long way to eliminating the impact that you talk about. It shouldn’t be so confusing, but to a teenager who hears certain slurs in songs or on social
Media, they may not really get how harmful words in the real world and out of context can be. I’m sorry his apology didn’t suit, but it also may be he’s a teenage boy who
Isn’t supposed to have feelings to start with, feeling guilty and confused and not knowing HOW to apologize to your daughter. No amount of coaching by his parents is going to hit home in the way a peer’s side of things is going to. I don’t know any teenage boy who is going to say anything meaningful with an audience of 4 angry parents watching over him.

Skip the funeral. You’re too invested in the negative to make a meaningful impact. You only want to go to save YOUR face, and that’s a shifty position for someone trying to pretend they’re all Puppies and rainbows.

She is also blaming her sister for her child’s use of the slur. I can’t tell you how many teens of progressive DC area parents I have heard of saying these things. Sister communicated what the kid did was unacceptable made the kid apologize. Is OP expecting a written out 3 page apology letter from a surly teen? Clearly sister is not a responsible parent. OP is a bitter and resentful person. I also think she should skip the entire event.

I think OP is a normal grieving person with an imperfect family and who is imperfect herself, and trying to navigate racism towards her biracial child , which is really difficult. I think you are a total jerk.

There hasn't been any part of anything OP has said that makes it sound like they are grieving. Or maybe I just can't see it though their superiority complex and constant putting down of sister.

You are either lying or have no idea what grief looks like.

Ah yes. Talking about the trainwreck sister. The racist nephew. The sister who never taught her kid to apologize. The "I told you so" surrounding the death. Worrying how OP is going to keep their mouth shut about the above and just support sister. Yes, lots of grieving there b

So you don't know what grief looks like. Why are you posting here? Literally doing anything else would be a better use of your time.

So weird. None of the grief I've gone through in life has ever looked like this

Grief often presents as anger. It's literally the second stage of grief.

Except all these feelings and anger were present before the death. I don't see how anyone can defend OP. She's vile

Because you’ve never been angry at or judgmental of a sibling. No siree Bob.

OPs post is all about her own negative emotions. And how dare her sister plan the funeral at an inconvenient time for OP? What a vile piece of garbage OP is. She feels no grief, even her title is about other people's grief. She calls her sister names, focuses on the slur as the worst part of this story, and just shows zero concern or caring for her sister, the dumbass. Stay far far away from her OP, you will be doing her a favor instead of smiling and gloating and telling her "I told you so" when you finally see her. Yuck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your dislike, disdain, and pure hatred against your sister means you should own it and not go.

You are blaming her for the death of that child, and gossiping about it behind her back. You’re fuelling the fire that it’s her fault, and it’s not. Tragic things happen. Extreme sports are dangerous, but it’s not less tragic when a death happens. I know of kids that have died horseback riding, been paralyzed from gymnastics, or had heart attacks on the football field. My own twin brother died of SIDS. Was my mother to blame for putting him to sleep that night?

Now, the racism thing is a little harder. You’re lashing out because your child is hurt, wondering if they’re talking about her behind her back, but don’t realize her response is because you talk sh$t about your family behind THEIR backs?

I’m not sure Of the slur or the context, but in the case of a one off from a teen with horrified parents, I’d say some education is what’s needed. No, it’s not up to anyone to educate people on how to not be racist (or any other kind of -ist), but education can go a long way to eliminating the impact that you talk about. It shouldn’t be so confusing, but to a teenager who hears certain slurs in songs or on social
Media, they may not really get how harmful words in the real world and out of context can be. I’m sorry his apology didn’t suit, but it also may be he’s a teenage boy who
Isn’t supposed to have feelings to start with, feeling guilty and confused and not knowing HOW to apologize to your daughter. No amount of coaching by his parents is going to hit home in the way a peer’s side of things is going to. I don’t know any teenage boy who is going to say anything meaningful with an audience of 4 angry parents watching over him.

Skip the funeral. You’re too invested in the negative to make a meaningful impact. You only want to go to save YOUR face, and that’s a shifty position for someone trying to pretend they’re all Puppies and rainbows.

She is also blaming her sister for her child’s use of the slur. I can’t tell you how many teens of progressive DC area parents I have heard of saying these things. Sister communicated what the kid did was unacceptable made the kid apologize. Is OP expecting a written out 3 page apology letter from a surly teen? Clearly sister is not a responsible parent. OP is a bitter and resentful person. I also think she should skip the entire event.

I think OP is a normal grieving person with an imperfect family and who is imperfect herself, and trying to navigate racism towards her biracial child , which is really difficult. I think you are a total jerk.

There hasn't been any part of anything OP has said that makes it sound like they are grieving. Or maybe I just can't see it though their superiority complex and constant putting down of sister.

You are either lying or have no idea what grief looks like.

Ah yes. Talking about the trainwreck sister. The racist nephew. The sister who never taught her kid to apologize. The "I told you so" surrounding the death. Worrying how OP is going to keep their mouth shut about the above and just support sister. Yes, lots of grieving there b

So you don't know what grief looks like. Why are you posting here? Literally doing anything else would be a better use of your time.

So weird. None of the grief I've gone through in life has ever looked like this

Grief often presents as anger. It's literally the second stage of grief.

You're right, grief often presents as anger. It would be very normal for a grieving OP to present as angry at the unnamed activity that took her nephew/niece's life, angry at god, angry at intact families, angry at herself for not attending the funeral, angry at his mother for allowing him to do the activity - if she were actually engaged in a grieving process for this child. But there is no sense of grief in her post. Just, how do I keep my mouth shut when I know better how this child should have been parented and I find it ridiculous that his parents allowed this? This is not a stage of grief. This is the opposite of grief work. It's like saying that the reason OP didn't go to the funeral was that she was in the "denial" stage of grief. No, sorry. There's no indicia of grief here.

On the one hand, as a grieving mom myself, I'm tempted to tell OP to stay away. On the other hand, my brother and his family and my family were not close when my child died. There had been a lot of incidents. But they all came to the funeral and it led to a turning of the page and a new relationship. Can you not use this death as way to forge a new relationship?

One thing I can tell you OP, your sister well never be the same person she was after this death. That person is gone. Whatever you are holding against, it doesn't matter. That old person died too when her child died.

I absolutely see grief in her post. I also recognize that, obviously, she is not posting with the intent of sharing her grief, she is asking about a specific issue. This is a common bullying tactic on DCUM - a person posts about a specific aspect of a serious situation and then posters jump all over her because she didn't share the entire contents of her psyche with regards to that situation, and call a person going through a horrible situation, a terrible person. Just for fun I guess? Because I can't imagine you actually think OP's posts here represent the entirety of her feelings on this situation.

+1. The posters jumping all over her and calling her vile and whatnot are the actual terrible people. Who bullies someone who’s lost someone close and is trying to process complex feelings about the situation?

Because calling losing a child >>>>>>>>>>>>> a child being called a name. OP is making this all about her and not at all about her sister and her tragic loss. A normal person would forget all about the past and be there for her sister in her time of need. But not OP. She needs to be the star of this show.

But you, you are an awesome person. Awesome people talk like this about a person processing the death of a child.

Well OPs sister is the "dumbass" during her time of grief. So I guess you think OP is awesome for how she talks about her sister who actually is grieving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your dislike, disdain, and pure hatred against your sister means you should own it and not go.

You are blaming her for the death of that child, and gossiping about it behind her back. You’re fuelling the fire that it’s her fault, and it’s not. Tragic things happen. Extreme sports are dangerous, but it’s not less tragic when a death happens. I know of kids that have died horseback riding, been paralyzed from gymnastics, or had heart attacks on the football field. My own twin brother died of SIDS. Was my mother to blame for putting him to sleep that night?

Now, the racism thing is a little harder. You’re lashing out because your child is hurt, wondering if they’re talking about her behind her back, but don’t realize her response is because you talk sh$t about your family behind THEIR backs?

I’m not sure Of the slur or the context, but in the case of a one off from a teen with horrified parents, I’d say some education is what’s needed. No, it’s not up to anyone to educate people on how to not be racist (or any other kind of -ist), but education can go a long way to eliminating the impact that you talk about. It shouldn’t be so confusing, but to a teenager who hears certain slurs in songs or on social
Media, they may not really get how harmful words in the real world and out of context can be. I’m sorry his apology didn’t suit, but it also may be he’s a teenage boy who
Isn’t supposed to have feelings to start with, feeling guilty and confused and not knowing HOW to apologize to your daughter. No amount of coaching by his parents is going to hit home in the way a peer’s side of things is going to. I don’t know any teenage boy who is going to say anything meaningful with an audience of 4 angry parents watching over him.

Skip the funeral. You’re too invested in the negative to make a meaningful impact. You only want to go to save YOUR face, and that’s a shifty position for someone trying to pretend they’re all Puppies and rainbows.

She is also blaming her sister for her child’s use of the slur. I can’t tell you how many teens of progressive DC area parents I have heard of saying these things. Sister communicated what the kid did was unacceptable made the kid apologize. Is OP expecting a written out 3 page apology letter from a surly teen? Clearly sister is not a responsible parent. OP is a bitter and resentful person. I also think she should skip the entire event.

I think OP is a normal grieving person with an imperfect family and who is imperfect herself, and trying to navigate racism towards her biracial child , which is really difficult. I think you are a total jerk.

There hasn't been any part of anything OP has said that makes it sound like they are grieving. Or maybe I just can't see it though their superiority complex and constant putting down of sister.

You are either lying or have no idea what grief looks like.

Ah yes. Talking about the trainwreck sister. The racist nephew. The sister who never taught her kid to apologize. The "I told you so" surrounding the death. Worrying how OP is going to keep their mouth shut about the above and just support sister. Yes, lots of grieving there b

So you don't know what grief looks like. Why are you posting here? Literally doing anything else would be a better use of your time.

So weird. None of the grief I've gone through in life has ever looked like this

Grief often presents as anger. It's literally the second stage of grief.

Except all these feelings and anger were present before the death. I don't see how anyone can defend OP. She's vile

Because you’ve never been angry at or judgmental of a sibling. No siree Bob.

OPs post is all about her own negative emotions. And how dare her sister plan the funeral at an inconvenient time for OP? What a vile piece of garbage OP is. She feels no grief, even her title is about other people's grief. She calls her sister names, focuses on the slur as the worst part of this story, and just shows zero concern or caring for her sister, the dumbass. Stay far far away from her OP, you will be doing her a favor instead of smiling and gloating and telling her "I told you so" when you finally see her. Yuck.

There’s something seriously wrong with you. It doesn’t seem like you even have the story correct anymore and are projecting hard. You need to stay far away from this thread because you’re spewing hatred and over invested in your own warped version of events.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your dislike, disdain, and pure hatred against your sister means you should own it and not go.

You are blaming her for the death of that child, and gossiping about it behind her back. You’re fuelling the fire that it’s her fault, and it’s not. Tragic things happen. Extreme sports are dangerous, but it’s not less tragic when a death happens. I know of kids that have died horseback riding, been paralyzed from gymnastics, or had heart attacks on the football field. My own twin brother died of SIDS. Was my mother to blame for putting him to sleep that night?

Now, the racism thing is a little harder. You’re lashing out because your child is hurt, wondering if they’re talking about her behind her back, but don’t realize her response is because you talk sh$t about your family behind THEIR backs?

I’m not sure Of the slur or the context, but in the case of a one off from a teen with horrified parents, I’d say some education is what’s needed. No, it’s not up to anyone to educate people on how to not be racist (or any other kind of -ist), but education can go a long way to eliminating the impact that you talk about. It shouldn’t be so confusing, but to a teenager who hears certain slurs in songs or on social
Media, they may not really get how harmful words in the real world and out of context can be. I’m sorry his apology didn’t suit, but it also may be he’s a teenage boy who
Isn’t supposed to have feelings to start with, feeling guilty and confused and not knowing HOW to apologize to your daughter. No amount of coaching by his parents is going to hit home in the way a peer’s side of things is going to. I don’t know any teenage boy who is going to say anything meaningful with an audience of 4 angry parents watching over him.

Skip the funeral. You’re too invested in the negative to make a meaningful impact. You only want to go to save YOUR face, and that’s a shifty position for someone trying to pretend they’re all Puppies and rainbows.

She is also blaming her sister for her child’s use of the slur. I can’t tell you how many teens of progressive DC area parents I have heard of saying these things. Sister communicated what the kid did was unacceptable made the kid apologize. Is OP expecting a written out 3 page apology letter from a surly teen? Clearly sister is not a responsible parent. OP is a bitter and resentful person. I also think she should skip the entire event.

I think OP is a normal grieving person with an imperfect family and who is imperfect herself, and trying to navigate racism towards her biracial child , which is really difficult. I think you are a total jerk.

There hasn't been any part of anything OP has said that makes it sound like they are grieving. Or maybe I just can't see it though their superiority complex and constant putting down of sister.

You are either lying or have no idea what grief looks like.

Ah yes. Talking about the trainwreck sister. The racist nephew. The sister who never taught her kid to apologize. The "I told you so" surrounding the death. Worrying how OP is going to keep their mouth shut about the above and just support sister. Yes, lots of grieving there b

So you don't know what grief looks like. Why are you posting here? Literally doing anything else would be a better use of your time.

So weird. None of the grief I've gone through in life has ever looked like this

Grief often presents as anger. It's literally the second stage of grief.

Except all these feelings and anger were present before the death. I don't see how anyone can defend OP. She's vile

Because you’ve never been angry at or judgmental of a sibling. No siree Bob.

OPs post is all about her own negative emotions. And how dare her sister plan the funeral at an inconvenient time for OP? What a vile piece of garbage OP is. She feels no grief, even her title is about other people's grief. She calls her sister names, focuses on the slur as the worst part of this story, and just shows zero concern or caring for her sister, the dumbass. Stay far far away from her OP, you will be doing her a favor instead of smiling and gloating and telling her "I told you so" when you finally see her. Yuck.

There’s something seriously wrong with you. It doesn’t seem like you even have the story correct anymore and are projecting hard. You need to stay far away from this thread because you’re spewing hatred and over invested in your own warped version of events.

Oh, OP no need to sockpuppet when you have no support. More than one person thinks you're gross.