Stopping caring saved my marriage
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Anonymous
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A poster asked me to start a thread on my experience (it was a "should I divorce" question). Here's my comment. PP, if you'd like to ask, I'm happy to talk more about my experience. It's interesting (to me) and sort of turned what I spent the first 7 years of marriage on its end.
OP I was in your situation. I didn't divorce, but I did have an ah ha moment in my marriage. I just don't care what my husband thinks. He's entitled to his opinions, views, etc. But they no longer have any bearing how I feel. It actually came out during our last major fight ten years ago. He said something awful to me. And you know what I did? I laughed. I laughed, called his opinion moronic and told him I didn't care what he thought about it. And then went to bed. I think the thing that screwed me up was that I was in this cycle where DH would do/say something awful, I would get hurt, and the cycle would continue. Now, I expect a basic level of politeness and I think we both do a good job about that. But I don't get defensive when he complains (and he's a complainer). I have a big space in my head where I put those thoughts into the not my problem box. Part of it obviously was that I loved him and desperately wanted his approval. I am fond of DH but I don't care about what he thinks anymore. It's a wall of sorts and if you think marriage should be 100 percent intimacy with no emotional boundaries my plan won't work for you. The upside is that we are both dedicated parents, didn't go through the financial hit of divorce, and I enjoy his company. Strangely, when I stopped caring, I noticed the good things and DH actually began stepping up and being more thoughtful. Anyway, it's counter-intuitive, but you might want to give it some thought. PP, I am a pp on this thread. Please start a new thread and tell me more about this. I would love to hear more about it. I am trying to get there. I've had this ah-ha moment, but I get roped back in. I want an AMA with you. |
Anonymous
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NP here. I read the book "how to save your marriage without talking about it" and had several years of therapy to come to the same place as the OP of this thread. I am about to click over 15 yrs married, after letting go of getting mad at or caring what DH thought. He's not a bad guy, and I just decided one day to turn back into my marriage, do my best, and not get caught up in the passive aggressive drama my DH would create. OK, dude, if you only want to wash the dishes you dirtied, ok, but I am not doing your dishes and I will do my dishes on my schedule. I will clean the house on my schedule, and if you have a lower dirt tolerance than me, great, you clean the house. You aren't going to come to bed until 3am, OK, but if DC has a nightmare, she'll be in our bed instead of me in hers, because I don't have anyone to share a bed with anyway.
Not falling prey to the anger and frustration of not having the husband I want, I am letting my husband be who he is and living my life to satisfy me, and he can deal with it. I stop trying to please him and please myself within the bounds of self-respect and respecting him. It's working for us, particularly since one of our kids is struggling and DH and I are having to work together to help her. Don't let him get to you, and enjoy what you have. Or get divorced. But don't live in the limbo of wanting something different than you have. That is toxic. |
Anonymous
| I never cared, and my marriage is terrific. |
Anonymous
| Wow, I am intrigued by this. Thank you all for your sharing your experiences. I'm also going to order the book pp suggested. |
Anonymous
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Interesting. This happened to me too. I adored my husband and tried to please him and looked for his constant approval. He was an asshole on many occasions and I realized I was the one who loved him more in the relationship.
It's been almost 10 years and I don't care acdamn anymore. I don't care if we divorce tomorrow. Our marriage couldn't be better, he adores me and pretty much kisses my ass. It's evident he is the one who loves me more now. Go figure. |
Anonymous
| To the pps who decided to not give a damn anymore -- did your dhs know that you flipped the switch? Or did they just go one being oblivious and thoughtless while you felt a lot better? Or did you say -- F it, you do you? |
Anonymous
| I know that at some point i stopped being hurt if he didn't want to: see the movie, eat at the restaurant, take the vacation. Made more of my own plans, got my own friends, own life and now he begs me to include him. Winwin. I get to have adventures and sometimes he comes along. We stopped fighting about cleaning by hiring a cleaning lady. |
Anonymous
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I am that pp who requested this s/o. Thank you so much to the OP for sharing and for the other pp's, too.
I have some questions for you and any pp who this has worked for. When do you actually care what he thinks? About what? What kinds of decisions did you make consulting him before that you don't now? Do you have sex now? Are you worried DH has or will have an affair? More questions to come. Again, thank you. If my marriage is going to be saved, this is the road to continue to go down. |
Anonymous
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Really what you guys are describing is becoming whole and secure with yourselves. Once you do that, it's a whole lot easier to let the little stuff (and the big stuff) roll off your back.
Of course, the question is...how to become secure and whole. |
Anonymous
| Question about not caring if he goes to bed at 3am. Do you do anything/step in if this impacts the kids, meaning, he is in a foul mood in the evenings because he didn't get enough sleep or doesn't want to do anything with the kids any night (talk, listen, read, or play) because he's too tired? |
Anonymous
Is there a book for that? |
Anonymous
I agree. I've gone through a similar progression in recent years (not so much about my husband, but other people in my life). I tend to take others' opinions as gospel and try to change myself to please them, and I realized how damaging this has been for me and for my relationships. I understand so much more about myself. I actually think this is something women struggle with more than men do. Many men (not all) just seem to be able to distinguish between who they are, not what others think/believe. I'm not sure if it's a nature/nurture thing, but I think it's likely that women are conditioned to listen, please, obey, adapt much more than men are and so little things become big things in our lives. It's good to gain perspective and understand that it's okay to shrug some stuff off as being irrelevant. |
Anonymous
I don't agree with this. PP here. Everyone who knows me will tell you I was a more secure person, a more independent person before I got involved with DH. My DH had emotional and phyiscal abuse as a child and he does not have a great family support system. Actually, I have seen/corresponded with more of his family in recent years than he has. Our problem is that he doesn't return basic pleasantries. He doesn't thank me for anything, he doesn't acknowledge my feelings at all (he wants to know why I have any feelings at all), and he doesn't do anything around our house and barely anything with our 4 yo DD. I was raised differently, when I visit family and when I talk to other people, it is different. We say words like "thank you" and "sorry." He also seems to do things intentionally to piss me off. I will share something and he will 3 seconds later do that exact thing I asked him not to do. We all look to folks to validate our feelings. Looking to someone who can't empathize to validate feelings is demoralizing in the worst way. Not caring about his reaction or his feelings is the only way to make it through a marriage like this. |
Anonymous
| Yep, I've signed on to this. Going on 24 years. |
Anonymous
| Do the switched off couples still have sex? |