Saying no to sleep overs/slumber parties.

[Anonymous]

I admit that I am an overprotective parent. But my question is this: why is it that when my kids are invited to sleep overs, and I say "no thanks, we don't do sleep overs", do the parents question my decision? Can parents out there that are less strict or overprotective have a little respect for other peoples values?

[Anonymous]

Perhaps they are just trying to probe whether it is them you don't trust or whether you have a blanket prohibition. You could try being a bit more forthcoming -- "I am just a parent who does not believe in sleepovers, it's not you, we don't allow our child to sleep over with anyone."

[Anonymous]

Good point.

[Anonymous]

I definitely think the PP is right. Most people are afraid of being judged. Inviting kids over is a source of stress for me...will I allow them to watch an inappropriate movie (even though it may be rated "G"), will I give them a snack with gluten or high fructose corn syrup in it? Parents today are so intense (I'm obviously on the laid back side) that you just can't make a wrong move. I think people are looking for validation (as in it's not you, it's me -- even if this isn't true). I hear it all the time "so and so lets the children play ALONE in the playroom" or "so and so allows them to drink JUICE with their lunch."

You can totally be blacklisted from the playdate/sleepover circuit and I imagine my area is somewhat less intense than other places.

I think an explanation/white lie is in order to be polite like you think your kid is ready to sleep overnight. There's no need to hurt feelings.

[Anonymous]

For me it is a general rule. I just don't know how much porn, drugs, weird uncles, or firearms are in other homes. My kids aren't old enough to make the right decision. They will sleep at home.
But yes, let it be known that it is a general rule.

[Anonymous]

I experience a variation of OP's situation, in that I won't let my children go on playdates at homes where I think the "supervising" grown-up is out to lunch. We're not talking guns and drugs, just general checked-out-edness, where the preschool kids aren't supervised the way I would like them to be supervised.

It's tough because my kids might not go on as many playdates as they'd like. It's awkward because it's hard to come up with convincing and new excuses that don't hurt feelings.

And I feel a little overprotective, too. Like I'm the only one of my peers who thinks adults should know what 4 year olds are up to.

In a way I guess this IS like a sleepover, in that one fear of kids sleeping over is that you don't know what happens when the adults are fast asleep. In my case, the adults might as well be fast asleep although it's 3 pm, because they pay no attention to the kids.

[Anonymous]

You know, you may feel overprotective but I don't think so. When I was very young I was fondled by my friend's MUCH older brother. He came into the room where we were sleeping (about 10 of us, no less) and touched me "down there". . . hands down the underpants and everything. It was dawn and so the light was just coming in. I woke up during it but pretended to be asleep. Horrible. I never told anyone and was very embarrased. I was in 1st grade. Remember it vividly.

This was a "good" family, involved in the very small school that I went to and there were LOTS Of kids in the room. Obviously, the guy had (or I should say, likely still has) compulsion issues.

It's so hard. I don't want to be too overprotective with my DD b/c of this but this is still at the back of my mind 30 years later. I still haven't decided how to handle this sort of situation when she is old enough . . .

[Anonymous]

I also know a child who was fondeled at a sleep over...and there were tons of other kids in the room...i think he was in grade 6...i will definitely be saying no to sleepovers when my DS is old enough.

[Anonymous]

We are close friends with another family, and we use sleepovers to help cut down babysitting costs (and to make the night more fun for the kids) when we grownups want to go out late or out together. Sometimes the children just have a sleepover because they want to.

The ease and comfort the kids have together turned out to be really important when my husband got ill and I needed someplace to put my child for a day or two.

So, I certainly "get" what's been posted so far - a lot of it is frightening. I suggest you may want to bend your rule a bit for close friends (friends of yours - I don't mean your kid's bff-of the week).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also know a child who was fondeled at a sleep over...and there were tons of other kids in the room...i think he was in grade 6...i will definitely be saying no to sleepovers when my DS is old enough.

I hope the person that fondeled the child was arrested, it is called child molesting and is against the law.

[Anonymous]

The worst thing that has ever happened to me when I was at a sleep over, was not horrible at all. My friend wet the bed we were sharing, and I rolled into it.

I did a lot of sleep overs growing up, starting in Kindergarten. I remember how much fun they were, and I was never confronted with drugs, a pedophile Uncle, guns, or anything else. What I do remember is laughing all night long with my girlfriends, eating junk food, watching movies, playing games, and just being silly.

I can understand why you wouldn't like to do a sleep over with your child away, but what if your child had a sleep over at your place instead. You can be honest with the other mom, and tell her that you do not feel comfortable with your child sleeping over, at anyone's house, but their child is welcome at your house.

[Anonymous]

I have a 3 yr old and am just curious when sleep overs start now? Someone mentioned 4 which I think is amazing. I don't remember doing sleep overs before I was 11.

[Anonymous]

PP, it depends on what you define as a sleep over. With family, it can start at a very young age. I've also heard a lot about preschoolers staying overnight with teachers and/or nannies (not a babysitting arrangement, but a sleepover) - which I personally find to be a bit bizarre. With school friends (distinguishing from friends of parents, where I think sleepovers are sometimes used for babysitting), my impression is that for girls it starts in mid-elementary school and with boys a bit later. I have a 9 year old boy who is just starting to talk about sleepovers - not interested in sleeping over anywhere yet, but intrigued with the idea. Truthfully, I am not looking forward to the day he is actually interested in sleeping away from home. It is a huge responsibility to get to know the parents of the host child.

[Anonymous]

On a more traumatic level, I know a child who was killed by another child fooling around with his brother's gun at a sleep over.
I just caught my 4 year old with a plastic bag over her head! Crazy things happen, even in good homes.
Why would anyone want to take on the responsibility of other kids.
I know that people have had good times at sleep overs, but some have had nightmares. It is not a necessary event in childhood.

[Anonymous]

I am a criminal defense attorney and the mother of a kindergartner. I cannot even count the (high) number of juvenile (and adult) clients that I have had from some situation that arose out of a sleepover. I have had clients charged with sex offenses, assault and battery, malicious wounding, robbery, arson, destruction of property, etc all during an event that was supposed to be a fun time for all concerned.

To the extreme that before I had children, I decided that I would be following the no sleepovers rule in my house. I have to say that it is one of the few decisions I made about how I would raise children before I had one that has stuck.