Family Relationships Judge and Jury: AMA

[Anonymous]

Hi everyone,

You are all hapless, bumbling idiots when it comes to managing your family relationships. You are doormats, or you are control freaks, or you are overly sensitive, or you are a robot.

I am the judge and jury on this board. Feel free to ask me anything. I'll weigh in and let you know exactly how to handle your situation, who is in the "right," etc.

Fire away!

[Anonymous]

MIL tells me she hates me every time we see her. She favors her other grandchildren over our kids. She tells me I have poor taste, that I smell, that I'm a horrible mother. Once she set me on fire. On purpose. My DH says I'm just being too sensitive and wants to invite her to stay for 7 months. Should I say nothing but stew in my own resentment?

[Anonymous]

My husband and I are on a tight budget (example: he had 100k student loan debt we pay double on each month, $1k, we have never taken a family vacation other than driving short distances with a 1 and 3 year old, got married at city hall and never did a honeymoon, I work weekends to avoid childcare costs)
His parents inherited a 2 bedroom 1 bath patio home across the country, in the desert, involving a whole day of flying and layovers, that would cost us $4-5k total. They used to live a car ride away and retired early to do this.
The pressure on us to visit is astounding and my husband is caving to the pressure. They won't fly to visit us because *they* can't afford it either.
What should we do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MIL tells me she hates me every time we see her. She favors her other grandchildren over our kids. She tells me I have poor taste, that I smell, that I'm a horrible mother. Once she set me on fire. On purpose. My DH says I'm just being too sensitive and wants to invite her to stay for 7 months. Should I say nothing but stew in my own resentment?

Great question, PP. I rarely say this, but with a weak DH, you have no choice: an eye for an eye. Light that B on fire and walk away without looking back, cold-hearted gangsta style.

[Anonymous]

^^ location is in the middle of nowhere, we would have to lug all of our baby stuff, and we all generally don't get along

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL tells me she hates me every time we see her. She favors her other grandchildren over our kids. She tells me I have poor taste, that I smell, that I'm a horrible mother. Once she set me on fire. On purpose. My DH says I'm just being too sensitive and wants to invite her to stay for 7 months. Should I say nothing but stew in my own resentment?

Great question, PP. I rarely say this, but with a weak DH, you have no choice: an eye for an eye. Light that B on fire and walk away without looking back, cold-hearted gangsta style.

This is effing fantastic. I will be laughing all day.

[Anonymous]

Similar question here. My baby is only three weeks old and we are on a strict bonding schedule. My mother is the only one besides DH and myself who is allowed to handle the baby. MIL has been allowed to see the baby through the window of the front door. She has been good about bringing over meals and my husband goes out to get the food and give her our laundry to wash. Now she says she wants to come inside and see the baby. I am breastfeeding and tired, so I don't want anyone else in here other than the cleaning service my in-laws sent over. I think my husband is weakening toward her, but I say, my baby, my rules. Please help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MIL tells me she hates me every time we see her. She favors her other grandchildren over our kids. She tells me I have poor taste, that I smell, that I'm a horrible mother. Once she set me on fire. On purpose. My DH says I'm just being too sensitive and wants to invite her to stay for 7 months. Should I say nothing but stew in my own resentment?

I know exactly how you feel. Last time my MIL was visiting, she mentioned that she "doesn't care for brussel sprouts." She totally remembers that I served them to her on a visit three years ago! She's so awful. I told DH that if she even opens her mouth on this next visit, we're cutting ties completely. Some people just have no boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are on a tight budget (example: he had 100k student loan debt we pay double on each month, $1k, we have never taken a family vacation other than driving short distances with a 1 and 3 year old, got married at city hall and never did a honeymoon, I work weekends to avoid childcare costs)
His parents inherited a 2 bedroom 1 bath patio home across the country, in the desert, involving a whole day of flying and layovers, that would cost us $4-5k total. They used to live a car ride away and retired early to do this.
The pressure on us to visit is astounding and my husband is caving to the pressure. They won't fly to visit us because *they* can't afford it either.
What should we do?

When Southwest has a fare sale (today is the last day of the current sale!), you have a few options:

1) DH buys two tickets and takes the 3yo by himself. He'll never want to travel without you again.
2) Both you and the grandparents split the cost of grandparents flying to you (truly, fares are like $202 from BWI to San Jose right now, and $89 from BWI to Michigan, so it really is a great deal)
3) OR, you set a very firm schedule of you will visit them once every 2 or 3 years, and save up to make good on it. If they want to see you more than that, they come to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^ location is in the middle of nowhere, we would have to lug all of our baby stuff, and we all generally don't get along

OK, these were key details from your first post. My advice is now simply that you will volunteer to split the cost of their tickets out to visit you, when there is a fare sale. Do not schlep to see people you don't want to see.

And DH can whine and hand-wring all he wants. If he wants to fly solo to see them, so be it.

[Anonymous]

I do not like my birthday and never want to celebrate it. My mother wants to have a "special birthday dinner" with the family. I do not want this and told her that. "No thank you. I really don't want to celebrate my birthday." She said "What about just a nice dinner then?"

I don't trust her to not sneak in some birthday referencing. How do I say no in a way that makes her hear me?

[Anonymous]

I posted a FB picture of my 3mo baby meeting my dad for the first time!! It was so precious and especially so because he has been in the hospital with a terminal disease.

Well my SIL (my husband's sister) posts like "what's wrong with him?" And I ignored it at first, but then later that day she texted me like "hey you didn't respond on fB." And I was like "hey! Um so yeah my dad is dying." And I'm like "didn't DH tell you?" And she's like "oh cool. Are you coming to our kids birthday party next week?" I am livid. First of all this woman never brings her kids to the parties I throw (don't know why something about last time they came and spilled something and I flipped out. Ok so we don't communicate that well but ugh. Can she just throw me a bone here! My dad is dying!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Similar question here. My baby is only three weeks old and we are on a strict bonding schedule. My mother is the only one besides DH and myself who is allowed to handle the baby. MIL has been allowed to see the baby through the window of the front door. She has been good about bringing over meals and my husband goes out to get the food and give her our laundry to wash. Now she says she wants to come inside and see the baby. I am breastfeeding and tired, so I don't want anyone else in here other than the cleaning service my in-laws sent over. I think my husband is weakening toward her, but I say, my baby, my rules. Please help.

Go to your doctor and get a 'scrip for Valium. Your next step is to make a nice little drink that I like to call a "Sweet Dream":

1) Crush up the Valium, and mix it up with simple syrup to line the rim of a cocktail glass, margarita-style
2) Pour your favorite alcoholic beverage into said glass. Drink up!
3) Don't forget to pump and dump!
4) Once the Sweet Dream kicks in, you'll be ready to let MIL in for 20 minutes. Set an egg timer. Once the timer goes off, get dat baby back.
5) If she doesn't leave promptly, give her what I like to call a "Size 9er in the Vaginer" roundhouse kick

Congrats on Baby Brynwyn Emmaline Rose!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do not like my birthday and never want to celebrate it. My mother wants to have a "special birthday dinner" with the family. I do not want this and told her that. "No thank you. I really don't want to celebrate my birthday." She said "What about just a nice dinner then?"

I don't trust her to not sneak in some birthday referencing. How do I say no in a way that makes her hear me?

Repeat "no thank you." But then schedule an alternative plan right then and there, so that you guys spend time together and she doesn't feel like you're shunning her. "Mary, I really don't like celebrating my birthday, so I'm going to say no to even the 'nice dinner.' But Larla has been wanting to see 'Finding Dory' for a while now. Can we go see that with her next Sunday? I'll buy the popcorn."

[Anonymous]

My mom made a lighthearted joke about the weight I've gained so far in pregnancy. I can light her on fire, right?