Separated but living together as co-parents

[Anonymous]

Is it possible for a 30yo unmarried couple to live together and co parent a 6mo baby without being in a relationship? What are the pros and cons to a setup like this? What are some alternatives? The mother currently lives in the fathers family home (he does not own the home nor does he pay any bills) but she could technically afford an apartment (it would be really tight though).

[Anonymous]

I think this would be confusing for the child when he/she gets older.

And what if one of the parents starts dating someone? Can they bring a partner home? Will there be jealousy?

Is there a lease or could the father kick out the mother at any time?

I really don't see this ending well. I say either try to make the relationship work or move out.

[Anonymous]

I think that if you're both civilized people and can get along this could work for a while, with the goal of getting the child to an age (1? 18 months?) when joint custody would work better, or when the financial pressure alleviate a little and 2 places is more realistic.

I think that joint custody with a 6 month old would be very hard, and that often either nursing has to stop, or the Dad simply doesn't get enough time to establish an equal relationship. I also know that childcare is incredibly expensive, and that this might be a way to contain costs.

I do agree, however, that this could be very awkward with a child old enough to understand so thinking of it as a temporary measure might be better.

[Anonymous]

It is actually really common in this area. You just don't hear about it on here because it isn't the rich people doing it.

[Anonymous]

I agree with PP that it could be workable for the short term, but ultimately isn't great for the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it possible for a 30yo unmarried couple to live together and co parent a 6mo baby without being in a relationship? What are the pros and cons to a setup like this? What are some alternatives? The mother currently lives in the fathers family home (he does not own the home nor does he pay any bills) but she could technically afford an apartment (it would be really tight though).

I think it's a great idea if you are civil to one another, mature, and can BOTH put the baby's needs first. Bank that cash and save for a good rainy day fund or a down payment on a house. Set some ground rules like no dates in the house or near the baby. Discuss things like holidays up front. Have an exit plan in place. Say 18 months old or 2 years old, like PP said. I'd focus on getting myself very financially stable, so that if I had to leave, I could.

I personally wouldn't date during this time, and that would be a huge challenge if you want to. Nobody will really believe that you are completely separated from the other parent romantically or sexually. So be careful of the new date who thinks everything is just fine. They likely either just want sex or they have other issues.


A downside is future custody and child support. I don't know how you go about that when living in the same house. And it might be a big point of contention when you do finally move out. So think that through, too.

Honestly, though, the more two people can coparent respectfully and warmly, the better it is for the kid.

[Anonymous]

We are doing this. Soon to be ex lives in and rents the basement apartment, I live in the upstairs portion of the house with the kids. We have an agreement called "nesting" in which the kids stay put and the grownups adjust their schedules accordingly. The children have the benefit of both parents close. Dad does school drop off, mom does pick up. Meals together once a week. Family outing once or twice a month. Differences are put aside for the good of the kids who understand that mommy and daddy are divorcing. Both parents benefit from the financial arrangement. And both parents have and are continuing to craft separate lives that, when it is legal to do so, will include dating other people.

[Anonymous]

I think this may be my situation. Am currently in first trimester of my second pregnancy and am keeping the baby. But, I just found out DH cheated and am giving us some time to work on the marriage. Time will tell if the marriage lasts but I'm not restarting my life right now.

DH will stay in the guest room for the foreseeable future and I'm giving myself time to have the baby, get a job, get to a point of relative normalcy (when baby is a year?) before lining up a move.

It can be done but not advisable for the long term.

[Anonymous]

No. You guys will fight with each other and date other people. That will be a weird model to provide for your kid. Do you want him/her to think what you are doing is normal? That is normal for daddy to have a girlfriend and normal for mommy to spend the night over at her boyfriends apt? When mommy and daddy are living together?

[Anonymous]

OP here.

So how would she approach this subject with her SO? They are currently together but she can't see the relationship going any further. Does she just say, hey we're no longer together so I can either move out or we coparent in the house together, along with those guidelines you all have stated (no dating, only until LO is 18 months, etc)? They already sleep in separate rooms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it possible for a 30yo unmarried couple to live together and co parent a 6mo baby without being in a relationship? What are the pros and cons to a setup like this? What are some alternatives? The mother currently lives in the fathers family home (he does not own the home nor does he pay any bills) but she could technically afford an apartment (it would be really tight though).

The biggest pro is: It may force this couple to actually grow up to be the adults they need to be to raise this child they created.

[Anonymous]

I think they are both doing a great job raising their child... They just are not right for each other and unfortunately they can't work it out. You can't force someone to change and the father is showing a lot of warning signs that are just really toxic to the mother. Otherwise he's a great dad, but not a very good boyfriend. (This is OP).

[Anonymous]

I think living in the family home puts mother in an awkward situation.

I would stick with the arrangement for the next 6 months, but ultimately be moving out.

[Anonymous]

My dad stayed in his common law wife's home for 3 years after they split so that he could help raise my youngest siblings. It was a tense situation. They didn't eat as a family and ran messages between the two of them through the kids. Ultimately, my dad had a health crisis from the stress. He was very ill in hospital for 5 days and she never called to check on him or brought the kids by. He moved from the hospital in with my mom! Until he got his own place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that if you're both civilized people and can get along this could work for a while, with the goal of getting the child to an age (1? 18 months?) when joint custody would work better, or when the financial pressure alleviate a little and 2 places is more realistic.

I think that joint custody with a 6 month old would be very hard, and that often either nursing has to stop, or the Dad simply doesn't get enough time to establish an equal relationship. I also know that childcare is incredibly expensive, and that this might be a way to contain costs.

I do agree, however, that this could be very awkward with a child old enough to understand so thinking of it as a temporary measure might be better.

Nursing does not have to stop. Mom can pump and give it to dad on his time.