Woman who married older man - pros/cons

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend of two years is 58 to my 38. We are deeply in love and looking at next steps but he is scared about "saddling me" with someone his age. He has no issues in the sexual department, is healthy and his father is in his mid-80s and thriving. My perspective is why give up good years together out of fear of what might be when no one can guarantee what will happen tomorrow to either of us. i was wondering if there are any females that married a man with this age gap who can speak to the pros and cons.

[Anonymous]

If you don't plan to have kids with him, I don't see why it's a problem. Go for it!

[Anonymous]

Already have kids as does he. Neither of us want more.

[Anonymous]

I've seen too many friends end up babysitting their older husbands.

strokes and other illnesses

nope - Even 10 years is a lot in my book, as I saw how it affected my mom's health once Dad started to decline. '

It's all fun and games when you're still young and healthy, but once you head down that path of decline, it's one obstacle after another.

Sex will go soon, too. Viagara will be his friend.

[Anonymous]

No way. There is a very steep decline in health in the 60-70 range. You will be his nurse. It's not fun and it does not stop till he is dead.

[Anonymous]

Women I know have struggled as he gets older (ie 70s/80s to their 50s/60s) and can't be as active or travel as much. Either they find a niche of women friends and hubbie has no issues with her travelling/going out with them or she's miserable at home feeling like a nursemaid.

[Anonymous]

My dad is 86, his wife is 62, he's still going strong, and she's very happy.

[Anonymous]

Never ever!

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't want to spend so many of my last years alone. If you both die at the same age that's 20 years without a partner. Chances of you remarrying dwindle as you get older. You're pretty much guaranteeing a solo retirement/ elderly phase of life.

[Anonymous]

My husband's not as much older than that...but I will warn you, the pluses are all on the front end of the relationship: more established, more mature, etc. The minuses all come later, and not as much later as you'd think. Eldercare is not for the faint of heart, especially if you also have your own aging parents to help with. It definitely forecloses options - I did not realize to what extent when we married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband's not as much older than that...but I will warn you, the pluses are all on the front end of the relationship: more established, more mature, etc. The minuses all come later, and not as much later as you'd think. Eldercare is not for the faint of heart, especially if you also have your own aging parents to help with. It definitely forecloses options - I did not realize to what extent when we married.

Thank you. This is the hard part. His Dad is 86 is really active. But at 86 for him I would be 65, just retiring....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad is 86, his wife is 62, he's still going strong, and she's very happy.

The next few years will change that. I saw it with my father, now 91, and my mother, now 88. Both were going strong at 86. It's one thing after another. Both are noticeably frailer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband's not as much older than that...but I will warn you, the pluses are all on the front end of the relationship: more established, more mature, etc. The minuses all come later, and not as much later as you'd think. Eldercare is not for the faint of heart, especially if you also have your own aging parents to help with. It definitely forecloses options - I did not realize to what extent when we married.

Thank you. This is the hard part. His Dad is 86 is really active. But at 86 for him I would be 65, just retiring....

And this is the problem: you are in your prime working years. He is close to the end of his career. In five to ten years, he is going to want to retire; maybe move somewhere else (warmer, cheaper, closer to family, etc), and you may need to stay where your job is located. Or he may want to travel extensively, but you will have to work. And you won't be able to retire early because you won't be eligible for Medicare, and insurance, even on the ACA exchanges, is expensive in your late 40s/50s. It's not like leaving the workforce to be a SAHM: you can't be on his insurance when his insurance is Medicare.

Then--and I apologize for being morbid--when you retire, he will be at the end of his life. So you won't get your turn to live somewhere warm while you're still somewhat active, or travel, or spend time with your kids/grandkids because he will be declining, and you will have to take care of him. You may have some good years after he passes, but not many.

From a financial perspective, and assuming you're both middle class, you two most likely don't have a lot of time to build wealth together, since he is close to retirement. So who gets what he has built when he dies? His kids probably feel entitled to it. But you will probably be reliant upon it to maintain your household. This will build resentment, and probably early on. And the same thing happens if you were to die early: would he get your money, or your (presumably minor) children? But the equation feels different when you're talking about grown childrens (which I am assuming his kids are).

My mom and stepdad are ten years apart, and have been married for 25 years, and I see the difficulties they are having now. If I were in your shoes, I would walk away and find someone closer to your age.

[Anonymous]

Listen op, you love this man and he loves you. Enough. Marry him and be happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Listen op, you love this man and he loves you. Enough. Marry him and be happy.

This is really short sighted advice. Love isn't enough when he's gone and she's alone.