My FIL is a child abuser and a wife beater. I don't know how to process that.

[Anonymous]

My husband just told me that the scar on his cheek is from his father. As in my FIL hit him with a bottle when he was drunk. I knew my FIL had a drinking problem when my husband was younger and a nasty temper, but I never knew he had been violent with his children or his wife.
My husband had always told me the scar was from a bottle and it was a long story, and I assumed it was from his partying college days and he was embarrassed about it. I never pushed it.
My husband says it's behind him, and he's forgiven his dad, and his dad is a completely different person now than what he was then. He doesn't want to talk about it. Doesn't understand my anger over this. I'm not angry at my husband I am empathetic to why he took time to reveal the truth.
I feel sick knowing this and sad. I don't know what I should do or if I should do anything.

[Anonymous]

If he doesn't drink anymore and is a completely different person, that is an accomplishment. I'd give him some credit for that. (After you process what your husband told you. I would probably grieve for a while for the little boy who was abused.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he doesn't drink anymore and is a completely different person, that is an accomplishment. I'd give him some credit for that. (After you process what your husband told you. I would probably grieve for a while for the little boy who was abused.)

He doesn't drink. He's been sober for 10 years. Longer than I've known him. He's a mild mannered guy. I just can't fathom him being that kind of monster. I can't stand the thought of him hurting my husband even if it was a long time ago.

[Anonymous]

I understand feeling sick and sad. BUT
(1) feel good that your DH finally feels safe enough with you to tell you this. if you haven't already you should thank him for trusting you with this information and tell him that you will support him in any way he needs and that you love him so
(2) I can understand being mad at your FIL but follow your DH's lead in this
(3) you are now aware that your DH suffered from some serious trauma. That can manifest itself in a whole ton of ways that often don't show up until people have families of their own. You should educate yourself on this and be sensitive to the needs of your DH and what makes him tick. For example, maybe he grapples with not knowing how to deal with angry feelings, from himself or others, since it is so threatening. Perhaps he has a need for control of situations that drives you nuts but perhaps you can chalk up to feeling like things were so out of control when he was a kid. Etc. etc. Knowing this information can make you much more sensitive to your DH's inner life and what kinds of things are likely to be particularly sensitive for him.
(4) As someone who used to drink and is now sober, perhaps spare a bit of gentleness for your FIL. I am sure no matter how horrible a monster you feel he was, he feels that way times a million and yet there is no way to change the past and he has to live with seeing that scar on his son and remembering that he did it. That is very, very hard too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he doesn't drink anymore and is a completely different person, that is an accomplishment. I'd give him some credit for that. (After you process what your husband told you. I would probably grieve for a while for the little boy who was abused.)

He doesn't drink. He's been sober for 10 years. Longer than I've known him. He's a mild mannered guy. I just can't fathom him being that kind of monster. I can't stand the thought of him hurting my husband even if it was a long time ago.

Yeah. Some people are just really mean drunks and very different from their sober selves. Sounds like your FIL is like that.

[Anonymous]

It seems that your FIL and your DH have dealt with it and have moved past it. As much as your heart hurts for the little boy, revisiting this and reminding your DH about it, or changing your behaviour towards your DH and FIL will not help matters. I would suggest that you make your home environment and interactions loving and peaceful (and forgiving) for everyone so that only good memories are made for the entire family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand feeling sick and sad. BUT
(1) feel good that your DH finally feels safe enough with you to tell you this. if you haven't already you should thank him for trusting you with this information and tell him that you will support him in any way he needs and that you love him so
(2) I can understand being mad at your FIL but follow your DH's lead in this
(3) you are now aware that your DH suffered from some serious trauma. That can manifest itself in a whole ton of ways that often don't show up until people have families of their own. You should educate yourself on this and be sensitive to the needs of your DH and what makes him tick. For example, maybe he grapples with not knowing how to deal with angry feelings, from himself or others, since it is so threatening. Perhaps he has a need for control of situations that drives you nuts but perhaps you can chalk up to feeling like things were so out of control when he was a kid. Etc. etc. Knowing this information can make you much more sensitive to your DH's inner life and what kinds of things are likely to be particularly sensitive for him.
(4) As someone who used to drink and is now sober, perhaps spare a bit of gentleness for your FIL. I am sure no matter how horrible a monster you feel he was, he feels that way times a million and yet there is no way to change the past and he has to live with seeing that scar on his son and remembering that he did it. That is very, very hard too.

I think number 3 is spot on. He's a very laid back guy and hates confrontation. I've always called them his quirks but he's very particular about things. I've teased him about it before, I was actually teasing him about it today. Saying he's going to have to loosen up a bit wants the baby gets here and starts moving around and driving dad crazy with his mess, and that was what led him to telling me about his dad. Apparently he thought I was saying he would be like his dad., which I wasn't because I didn't know anything about his dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems that your FIL and your DH have dealt with it and have moved past it. As much as your heart hurts for the little boy, revisiting this and reminding your DH about it, or changing your behaviour towards your DH and FIL will not help matters. I would suggest that you make your home environment and interactions loving and peaceful (and forgiving) for everyone so that only good memories are made for the entire family.

I know. You are right, and the last thing I want to do is make things difficult for my husband . Every time I see his face I get upset and feel like crying.

[Anonymous]

22:47 here, yeah, that is very common. People move away from their family of origin, and get on with life, and then when they start to have families of their own BAM they are suddenly hit with all these feelings and emotions and memories that they thought were long gone, because suddenly they are not some single person dating but are part of a family again.

I'm not saying your DH will be like his dad. Not at all. But these kinds of things shape you. They affect you in weird ways. Your DH will now be a father himself, and so all kinds of conflicted feelings that he probably has successfully ignored for years will be lurking around. He may have a lot of worries about not messing up in the way his parents did. Frankly, young children can be infuriating (even though they are often wonderful). Have you guys talked about how you plan to parent your kids? Things like discipline, etc? It's a lot to think about. He may benefit from taking a class, reading some books, talking with friends that he admires as fathers. etc. You might encourage your DH to get some therapy for this. It can be really helpful to talk to someone experienced who is familiar with the dynamics.

In addition to suffering from physical violence from a parent, and watching his mother be abused, your DH is the adult child of an alcoholic. You should familiarize yourself with the typical characteristics of an adult child of an alcoholic--you can find a list online. Not everyone will have every trait on that list, and these things are not set in stone, but patterns are interesting to see and think about.

Be sure to thank your DH for trusting you, tell him you love him, and always show your faith that he is going to be a good father. Use this information to help you be more empathetic with your spouse and his family, because it sounds like it was really really rough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:22:47 here, yeah, that is very common. People move away from their family of origin, and get on with life, and then when they start to have families of their own BAM they are suddenly hit with all these feelings and emotions and memories that they thought were long gone, because suddenly they are not some single person dating but are part of a family again.

I'm not saying your DH will be like his dad. Not at all. But these kinds of things shape you. They affect you in weird ways. Your DH will now be a father himself, and so all kinds of conflicted feelings that he probably has successfully ignored for years will be lurking around. He may have a lot of worries about not messing up in the way his parents did. Frankly, young children can be infuriating (even though they are often wonderful). Have you guys talked about how you plan to parent your kids? Things like discipline, etc? It's a lot to think about. He may benefit from taking a class, reading some books, talking with friends that he admires as fathers. etc. You might encourage your DH to get some therapy for this. It can be really helpful to talk to someone experienced who is familiar with the dynamics.

In addition to suffering from physical violence from a parent, and watching his mother be abused, your DH is the adult child of an alcoholic. You should familiarize yourself with the typical characteristics of an adult child of an alcoholic--you can find a list online. Not everyone will have every trait on that list, and these things are not set in stone, but patterns are interesting to see and think about.

Be sure to thank your DH for trusting you, tell him you love him, and always show your faith that he is going to be a good father. Use this information to help you be more empathetic with your spouse and his family, because it sounds like it was really really rough.

We've talked about parenting. We don't have a particular method or philosophy picked out. Somethings seem nice, and we might try. but we're pretty much go with the flow type people and I have spent years caring for kids so we figured it would all be okay.
I don't doubt for a second he'll be a good dad.
So many things make sense to me now, it's probably wrong to try and connect everything to the abuse he experienced, so maybe I shouldn't do that.
I don't think he'd go for therapy as he didn't want to talk about it much and insisted it was behind all of them now, maybe he didn't want to talk to me too much about it because I'm to close to the situation.
It could be because I reacted badly too, I cried and called his dad a monster and an asshole and cried some more , which probably wasn't the right thing to do do. I told him I loved him too.

[Anonymous]

Has your DH undergone extensive & skilled therapy? My DH was a victim of sex abuse and things went for total hell for him emotionally after we had kids. That is very big of your DH to share that with you though. A very positive sign.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has your DH undergone extensive & skilled therapy? My DH was a victim of sex abuse and things went for total hell for him emotionally after we had kids. That is very big of your DH to share that with you though. A very positive sign.

I'm so very sorry about your husband. I don't know for certain, but I don't think he has at least not intensive 1:1 type therapy he mentioned they worked things out as a family. I don;t know if that means family therapy or just between them.
I'll ask at a different time. I think him telling me about the scar was a pretty big thing for today and he probably needs an emotional break . I know I do, it's alot to process. I'm very glad he told me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has your DH undergone extensive & skilled therapy? My DH was a victim of sex abuse and things went for total hell for him emotionally after we had kids. That is very big of your DH to share that with you though. A very positive sign.

I'm so very sorry about your husband. I don't know for certain, but I don't think he has at least not intensive 1:1 type therapy he mentioned they worked things out as a family. I don;t know if that means family therapy or just between them.
I'll ask at a different time. I think him telling me about the scar was a pretty big thing for today and he probably needs an emotional break . I know I do, it's alot to process. I'm very glad he told me.

How old is he OP? It's fairly common childhood abuse can come out most intensely in the 32-35 age span. This all goes so deep OP and is awful on so many levels. I would recommend considering therapy for yourself as good self care... I needed it to help me process what he was telling me. It's a lot to take in. Abuse and its effects usually span across multiple areas of a child's life...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand feeling sick and sad. BUT
(1) feel good that your DH finally feels safe enough with you to tell you this. if you haven't already you should thank him for trusting you with this information and tell him that you will support him in any way he needs and that you love him so
(2) I can understand being mad at your FIL but follow your DH's lead in this
(3) you are now aware that your DH suffered from some serious trauma. That can manifest itself in a whole ton of ways that often don't show up until people have families of their own. You should educate yourself on this and be sensitive to the needs of your DH and what makes him tick. For example, maybe he grapples with not knowing how to deal with angry feelings, from himself or others, since it is so threatening. Perhaps he has a need for control of situations that drives you nuts but perhaps you can chalk up to feeling like things were so out of control when he was a kid. Etc. etc. Knowing this information can make you much more sensitive to your DH's inner life and what kinds of things are likely to be particularly sensitive for him.
(4) As someone who used to drink and is now sober, perhaps spare a bit of gentleness for your FIL. I am sure no matter how horrible a monster you feel he was, he feels that way times a million and yet there is no way to change the past and he has to live with seeing that scar on his son and remembering that he did it. That is very, very hard too.

+1 This is a profoundly wise post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:22:47 here, yeah, that is very common. People move away from their family of origin, and get on with life, and then when they start to have families of their own BAM they are suddenly hit with all these feelings and emotions and memories that they thought were long gone, because suddenly they are not some single person dating but are part of a family again.

I'm not saying your DH will be like his dad. Not at all. But these kinds of things shape you. They affect you in weird ways. Your DH will now be a father himself, and so all kinds of conflicted feelings that he probably has successfully ignored for years will be lurking around. He may have a lot of worries about not messing up in the way his parents did. Frankly, young children can be infuriating (even though they are often wonderful). Have you guys talked about how you plan to parent your kids? Things like discipline, etc? It's a lot to think about. He may benefit from taking a class, reading some books, talking with friends that he admires as fathers. etc. You might encourage your DH to get some therapy for this. It can be really helpful to talk to someone experienced who is familiar with the dynamics.

In addition to suffering from physical violence from a parent, and watching his mother be abused, your DH is the adult child of an alcoholic. You should familiarize yourself with the typical characteristics of an adult child of an alcoholic--you can find a list online. Not everyone will have every trait on that list, and these things are not set in stone, but patterns are interesting to see and think about.

Be sure to thank your DH for trusting you, tell him you love him, and always show your faith that he is going to be a good father. Use this information to help you be more empathetic with your spouse and his family, because it sounds like it was really really rough.

You are brilliant, PP.

OP, I would hold on to this wonderful advice.