Nerve wracking guilt about my pet cat

[Anonymous]

It could be in pets, but since this is more about my guilt, I thought off topic would receive more responses.

I had my older male cat for 12 years, we got him when he was 3.
3 years ago he was diagnosed with IBD, on steroids and doing good, except for gradual weight loss that vet said was expected.
I switched practices in Sept, since the old one was far and my other 11 year old younger female cat needed monthly checkups for her thyroid.

In the shuffle, I missed to take him for weigh ins since Oct, I dont think the old vet asked for it either, since his bloodwork in Sept was healthy and no issues.
I switched to wet food in Dec, but after few weeks they refused to eat, so switched back to dry food.
In Feb, my female cat also got diagnosed with heart failure, and I was working to start medications and followup.

Meanwhile my boy had been declining, he had lost 4 lbs somehow, got callus, was getting weak, and likely eating less etc, and somehow I missed all the subtle signs. He would still run around, use litter box etc. I noticed some of these in mid Feb, and planned a vet visit in March once I got my other cat in control.
However he collapsed last Sat Feb 19th, vet looked at this weight loss and said he might not recover. She did bloodwork and found multiple issues like anemia, pancreatitis, kidney etc. on Wed. On the Thu visit, he had lost another pound and the Thu vet also talked about letting him go. She did some supportive care that did not take effect. They recommended a scan to find tumors, so I took him to ER past Fri, where they ended up giving him more drugs and antibiotics, after which he lost use of his limbs and was comatose on Sat and Sun. I rushed him to ER again on Sun and we lost him and had to euthanize in 15 mins.

The whole 1 week experience is traumatic. Not only am I guilty about not catching his weight loss, but I missed the urgency of the whole diagnosis and took precious days to decide treatment options. Which made me rush to ER on Fri, causing him stress, instead of getting scan at primary vet. I waited to schedule a vet visit on Sat, hoping he will recover with my assisted feeding and again had to take him to dreaded ER on Sun where he died with strangers. Another part says I should have hospitalized him at ER, so he could have recovered and I could have spent few more weeks atleast with him. I followed some online advice as well on my own which complicated things further.
And so on and so forth, I am guilty of some kind of inaction/neglect/overaction every day of last week. I was not thinking straight and I had conflicting info from vets vs ER vs online. I dont think he needed to be in ER at all. I did not even know about home vet services and euthanasia, which I could have done on Sun instead of the ER. Also I did not get time to fit in quality time with him knowing that his end was near.

I am not able to eat or sleep, no food since sat. Max 4 hrs of sleep with Benadryl yesterday night. Is this how people feel after they lose a pet, nerve wracking second guesses? Is it such a big loss and appears to me that each small misstep I did had devastating consequences.

[Anonymous]

Hugs - I love my cats too. I am not sure I totally followed the sequence of events, but I will say that I am not always sure if aggressive treatment is the best. Your kitty was not doing well - letting him go through inaction may have been best.

Give yourself time to grieve, but if you continue to be unable to sleep or eat, seek counseling.

[Anonymous]

So sorry for your loss, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hugs - I love my cats too. I am not sure I totally followed the sequence of events, but I will say that I am not always sure if aggressive treatment is the best. Your kitty was not doing well - letting him go through inaction may have been best.

Give yourself time to grieve, but if you continue to be unable to sleep or eat, seek counseling.

I agree with PP. As someone who lost a beloved old cat a few years ago (after what I think of as "skinny old cat syndrome") I'm not sure you could have done much more -- and even if you could have, it might not have been for the best. You loved your cat and gave him a wonderful home, I'm sure.

[Anonymous]

I cried for a week when a friend simply moved cross country and took her dog who I had grown very close to with her. Hugs OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hugs - I love my cats too. I am not sure I totally followed the sequence of events, but I will say that I am not always sure if aggressive treatment is the best. Your kitty was not doing well - letting him go through inaction may have been best.

Give yourself time to grieve, but if you continue to be unable to sleep or eat, seek counseling.

Thank you, sequence of events below, I understand time will heal but this is a permanent loss that nothing can replace, so not sure how unless I change my thought process:

-Oct 2015 - Blood workup with old vet, all clear.
-Late Oct switched practices, only took my female cat as she was in midst of thyroid treatment, diarrhea treatment and this continued as bi-weekly visits till she was diagnosed with heart failure in early Feb and we started Rx. I posed about this in the pets forum.
-My boy was losing some hair, looking weaker and getting callus on his elbows and knees, I notice in mid Feb, and made a note to take him to vet in March once the other cat stabilizes.
- On Sat Feb 19th he collapsed on the floor and did not get up for 5 mins
- Rushed him to vet, who said 4 lbs loss since Oct (records from old vet) and did bloodwork, but said poor prognosis due to chronic IBD and steroids. My previous vet had mentioned same due to long term steroid use. (However I though this meant atleast few months/weeks)
- Blood work back on Wed Feb 23rd, and he had pancreatitis, kidney stage 3, anemia, low potassium. Vet reiterated on phone that prognosis was poor and we can come in on Thu for supportive care, and also recommend a scan to rule out tumors.
- Thu Feb 25th I opted only for supportive care first to reduce nausea, increase appetite, gave fluids etc. By this time between Sat and Thu he had reduced his eating greatly.
- By Fri Feb 26th afternoon he still had not eaten even his favorite treats from my hand, vet said we can come in for second round of supportive care or go to Southpaws for scan.
- Southpwas only had a Sat appt, and I was panicking by then that if he had a tumor or leision we need to know sooner than later to facilitate treatment or putting him down. So I took him for a scan via ER to Southpaws this Fri Feb 25th evening and they ended up saying he has a tooth abscess and gave him convenia. And did other supportive care drugs as well. I was very hopeful that the tooth abscess was causing the lack of eating and refused hospitalization for pancreatitis/hepatitis and came home to monitor.
- Fri Feb 27th night after we came home, he lost use of his limbs and I started syringe feeding him broth and baby food from what I read online
- Sat Feb 28th he was comatose but still eating via syringe. I also read about side effects of convenia and thought it might wear off and he will walk and eat slowly. I was emailing the primary vet who recommended euthanasia on Sat but I wanted to wait a bit.
- Sun Feb 29th was no change and he was further declining, heart rate was reducing, I could not even stand him up, eyes were glazed in a stare. We were planning to take him to vet and euthanize Monday am, but again I made a split second decision, hoping that ER could help him and rushed him though DH was against it. He was too frail to even survive the trip and moreover the ER trip on Fri had left him in bad shape either due to scan or the drugs they pumped into him. (My vet had specifically ruled out antibiotics in order to not stress him earlier in the week) Within 15 mins they came back saying they were losing him and needed to euthanize. I agreed and my DH and kids arrived way later. He died with needles and CPR and 10 strangers around him on a hospital bed.
- I was not even aware of home vet services I could have used on Sunday to give him a more peaceful death.

Throughout this I have so many regrets, I could caught his weight loss earlier, monitored eating closely between Sat and Wed, done scan at vet on Thu avoiding ER trip, gone to vet every day since Thu for supportive care, not using antibiotics might have kept his system running atleast few more weeks? Or on the other hand, maybe hospitalized him at ER like they advised, or taken him to vet on Saturday instead of syringe feeding and waiting for Convenia to kick in/wear off, Done in home vet on Sun etc.
I feel I did not think through every step and that accelerated his decline and pain and now the loss is irreversible.

(sorry for really long posts)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hugs - I love my cats too. I am not sure I totally followed the sequence of events, but I will say that I am not always sure if aggressive treatment is the best. Your kitty was not doing well - letting him go through inaction may have been best.

Give yourself time to grieve, but if you continue to be unable to sleep or eat, seek counseling.

I agree with PP. As someone who lost a beloved old cat a few years ago (after what I think of as "skinny old cat syndrome") I'm not sure you could have done much more -- and even if you could have, it might not have been for the best. You loved your cat and gave him a wonderful home, I'm sure.

Thanks, my DH and primary vet feel the same. I wish I had decided one way or the other and stuck to the plan rather than going back and forth with treatment options and facilities. A lot of online advice also misled me and made me switch strategies when time was running out.

Yes we adopted him after he was given up by his owners, but even here I feel guilt that I should have spent more quality time with him. I would have spent 1-2 days dedicated to him if I had know his end was so near.
I had always promised him that before he dies I will give him all the junk food he loves (chips, pretzels etc) but when I tried this on Fri it was already too late, He was moving before ER visit, but he would just come and stare at the plate I had laid down for him.

[Anonymous]

Oh OP, I'm so sorry. Your cat was dying - even if there was something that could have been done to extend his life for a few weeks, it wouldn't necessarily have been for the best. His illness prevented any quality of life.

You did the best you could - it is so rarely a straight and easy path at the end of our pets' lives. Nobody is perfect and all we can do is the best we can.

You loved him, clearly, and gave him a goo life. And he lived a good long time. This loss was going to happen and there was nothing you could have done to prevent it.

Please be gentle with yourself, and have some compassion for yourself. Let yourself grieve this loss. You didn't have nearly as much control over things as you think you did.

Wishing you peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh OP, I'm so sorry. Your cat was dying - even if there was something that could have been done to extend his life for a few weeks, it wouldn't necessarily have been for the best. His illness prevented any quality of life.

You did the best you could - it is so rarely a straight and easy path at the end of our pets' lives. Nobody is perfect and all we can do is the best we can.

You loved him, clearly, and gave him a goo life. And he lived a good long time. This loss was going to happen and there was nothing you could have done to prevent it.

Please be gentle with yourself, and have some compassion for yourself. Let yourself grieve this loss. You didn't have nearly as much control over things as you think you did.

Wishing you peace.

Thank you for your kind words, I do have to remember that yes I dont have control over everything. I think I am more grieving about if I indirectly led him to a more painful end rather than the actual death which as per his vets was inevitable.

[Anonymous]

Speaking as someone who went through a deep depression when i lost my dog of 11 years ( very intelligent and beautiful) i can understand your pain. You did lose a loved one. I think of pets like family members (my baby, relative, etc.) and all the things you could have done is all you can think about but I am sure your cat is still with you in spirit because I don't believe our beloved ones just pass away and that is the end ( i experienced proof of this) so just think of him, write a paragraph about his life and how you loved him and how you feel right now so you can wash those feelings out of you and keep that note with you so you look back 10 years later and remember your beloved friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Speaking as someone who went through a deep depression when i lost my dog of 11 years ( very intelligent and beautiful) i can understand your pain. You did lose a loved one. I think of pets like family members (my baby, relative, etc.) and all the things you could have done is all you can think about but I am sure your cat is still with you in spirit because I don't believe our beloved ones just pass away and that is the end ( i experienced proof of this) so just think of him, write a paragraph about his life and how you loved him and how you feel right now so you can wash those feelings out of you and keep that note with you so you look back 10 years later and remember your beloved friend.

Thanks. I have been writing in my journal, but all I can write is how I failed to notice his weight loss and lack of appetite.
Once he collapsed on Sat, I should have asked the vet for more aggressive treatments than waiting for blood work results till Wed. I think between Sat and Wed he stopped eating sometime.

I cant believe how negligent I have been. I slept for less than 3 hours and now I am awake again.

[Anonymous]

OP here, I slept for like 3 hrs and am back up again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Speaking as someone who went through a deep depression when i lost my dog of 11 years ( very intelligent and beautiful) i can understand your pain. You did lose a loved one. I think of pets like family members (my baby, relative, etc.) and all the things you could have done is all you can think about but I am sure your cat is still with you in spirit because I don't believe our beloved ones just pass away and that is the end ( i experienced proof of this) so just think of him, write a paragraph about his life and how you loved him and how you feel right now so you can wash those feelings out of you and keep that note with you so you look back 10 years later and remember your beloved friend.

OP here, can you explain how I can see this? I think of him non stop, awake for last 3 hours, but all I feel is gut wrenching sadness. I do want some part of him back.
I feel for all things in life I got a second chance when I goofed up (kids, spouse, work, finances etc) but here I have a loss of life that cannot be repaired.

[Anonymous]

OP, with older cats these things happen. A month for them is like six months in our lives. Things move fast. Don't blame yourself.

I lost two cats. One died at 17 after months of treatment. It was much easier than the other one, who died suddenly. Sudden death is very hard to process. There's a lot of guilt and what-ifs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, with older cats these things happen. A month for them is like six months in our lives. Things move fast. Don't blame yourself.

I lost two cats. One died at 17 after months of treatment. It was much easier than the other one, who died suddenly. Sudden death is very hard to process. There's a lot of guilt and what-ifs.

Thanks, yes it is hard, i should have left everything else and focussed on him on thu and fri when the bloodwork indicated poor prognosis and multiple ailments. I should have talked for treatment plan and end of life opions rather than doing spur of the moment stuff.

I wish it was something like kidney or lymphoma or heart, here i think he had pacreatitis/lipidosis worsened because he did not eat, and that should have been an easy fix if i had paid attention to his weight and eating, which is basic stuff i should have done.