Um, ok. You want to know how to solve the problem? How about by teaching your kids to have conversations about these kinds of things before they get married? That's one thing you could take away from that post if you were able to actually read it. There are other solutions mentioned in this thread as well, but you probably missed them because you were too busy being angry at people whose lives aren't as hard as yours. |
Who said that? |
I'm the PP. The organ transplant example is fair, although I'm not sure how often it would actually come up in real life. But there are times when my husband and I may both be at work but something happens like a kid needs to be picked up from school. At that point we decide who can step away from work and who can't. If we both have calls, whose is easier to cancel/reschedule? Who will have more of an issue making up for the lost time? So of course there are always those determinations to be made, but I think we start with the general notion that if we're both at work, then we're both busy (even if I happen to be posting on DCUM...) and go from there. |
You are willfully refusing to actually engage with the argument. No, it is not about the judgment if the MIL. Or anyone's judgment. When I plan visits, clean my house, take care of my kids, I'm not doing this to impress anymore me or satisfy judgment. I'm doing it because life is objectively better when you do these things. Everyone is happier, more relaxed, more cared for. Grandma, the kids, me, my DH. If my DH fundamentally refuses to share those responsibilities, claiming it doesn't matter or he doesn't care, he is making my life worse, regardless of what his mom thinks. It doesn't matter if it's his mom visiting or mine or a mutual friend. It's about taking responsible for your life and relationships and putting baseline effort into family life. It's not about impressing my MIL. |
I go all out for Christmas. I freaking love it. But you're failing to see that your version of Christmas isn't everyone's. Some people would be perfectly happy having delivered pizza that they didn't need to spend any time making and wouldn't even need presents. I mean, never mind that the actual idea of Christmas isn't about presents... |
The PP with the comments starting "You married a dud" and "But these are my friends." She has repeatedly explained that her marriage AND those of all her neighbors and friends are equal. How would she know? Why don't you tell HER to stop being a busybody? I was just replying to her statement to point out that not everyone, even UMC professionals, shares her experience. She can say "everyone I know has X experience" and I can say "well everyone I know does not" and it's worth the same. |
DP, but why is this on you if it's your husband's mother? |
It's not rational and reasonable because it misrepresents what people have said. Where are these posts? Some people here insist if you dont have a 50/50 marriage and are unhappy then its the womens fault for not asking the right questions or being blinded. Some people here insist that their good luck in finding a 50/50 husband who grew into a 50/50 partner (FYI HUSBAND AND PARTNER ARE DIFFERENT FUNCTIONS) was not good luck at all. And is completely their own doing. Also, no one said what you posted. |
The post that started this string was insistent on society's judgment against women. So yeah, the basic premise to which people were responding was asking where the judgment is coming from. |
I do almost all the things on that list plus the cars, home maintenance and more or I am responsible for outsourcing it. I get flooded with fear occasionally of how the family would function without me if I had some deadly illness or car accident.
I don't feel one bit bitter because I signed up to take this on as a sahm but seeing the LONG list compiled like that made me really sad about how much I belittle my efforts. The kids have really great and smooth lives and I don't give myself any credit but give everyone else credit and in that way, I'm part of the problem of not giving credit where it is due. They have awesome hobbies, camps and social groups but I often strictly focus on the areas that are not the most optimal and how I'm single handedly failing them there. I think the guilt is heavy and I give people, who belittle that labor, power by going along with their views that we must always do more/better. |
I'm not the PP so it's not like there's only a single person who disagrees with you. YOU have decided that you need to put forth some effort for the holidays. Other people focus on being together with family or friends and couldn't care less if every meal were ordered in. There was a movie years ago where a female character was mad because her boyfriend or husband didn't want to attend a wedding of people he didn't know, but he was going to go along and be pleasant anyway. Finally they realized that she was wanting him to want to go and that was the only thing that would make her happy. I think about that sometimes, how people want other people to have the same standards or them or to want to do something and being willing to do it isn't enough. People like this will never be happy. |
OK, so what's your perfect scenario? Simple time equals 1 and time plus brain power equals 1.5, so someone needs to spend 6 hours driving if the other person spends 4 hours researching? But what if one spouse really hates driving? Let's say they have anxiety and being on the road is super stressful for them. Meanwhile, they love researching and planning and find it fun. How do we account for that? My point with my friend actually didn't have anything to do with special skills and experience, it's a personality thing. I COULD do her job, but I would HATE it. And vice versa. This would have been true straight out of college with the exact same skillset and education (which we had when we were at the same job). Everyone's set up is going to look different because each marriage contains two different people. You seem to want to the forward-facing position where people SEE you doing things. Personally, I don't care how much other people think I do, but if it matters to you I am not dismissing it. So I guess your problem is that you don't get to choose which part of the camp you do? You want to do the drop off and pick up because you deem those tasks as easier but your husband also wants to do them? So you're left doing the research and registration because if you don't, your kids won't go to camp? That sucks, seriously, and I'm sorry you're in that spot. Could you then at least try to task your husband with more of the other stuff to offset the time you spend doing the invisible work? So you spend 4 hours researching and that means he has to spend 6 hours driving. Would that make you feel like things are more equal? I'm asking that sincerely, not as a jab. I think people need different things from their spouses (and family and friends and work, etc.). If you're driving the ship, which it sounds like you are, can you think of a scenario in which you would be less unhappy about the split of things? |
*I* care. It’s not nice to treat a guest (your own child’s grandma!) like crap in your own homes. Those of us with a conscience can’t do it. So we end up taking care of it. Score 1, Dad Privilege. |
dad privilege should be combatted by men. that’s the point. if you feel uncomfortable with that ask yourself why. |
oh just stfu. everyone knows that hosting takes effort even supposedly “casual unplanned” hosting. ask yourself why you are insisting absurdly that something that is a basic ritual common to every human society (even defining culture in some ways) is suddenly just something dumb women made up? |