Why do children of a first marriage get priority over the spousal relationship in a second marriage?

[Anonymous]

First, this is NOT a troll question, even though I know it's going to start a war I am curious if there are any thoughtful responses. It occurred to me reading the current thread by an OP asking about the reasonableness of a request for money from the first wife for her stepdaughters' homecoming.

Many people believe that a marriage is at the center of a family, and that two spouses should always put each other and their marriage as their top priority even before their own children. Even here on DCUM there have been threads in the past asking whether you love your spouse or your child more, or which is your top priority, and the responses have been mixed.

With that in mind, when I read threads like the one I referenced, many of the responses are "well, the kids from the first marriage came before the second spouse so second spouse just has to suck it up since decisions don't concern him/her and the kids come first". If a marriage should be central to a relationship and family, one might presume this would include blended families, then why is it anethma for a second wife to want a role or expect to be given some priority in their relationship. This does NOT mean simply ignoring the kids, but understanding that the strength of the marriage is critical, regardless of whether any children involved are part of an intact family or are now children of divorced parents and stepparents. Why does that philosophy change when it comes to a second marriage, or is it simply different people responding to the posts?

I wasn't sure whether to post this in the parentin-special concerns forum or here since it's really about the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Because the children have no say, and no fault, in the breakup of their parents. And they have no say in the parent's new choice of spouse. Since they have little control over anything else, they pull rank on new wife.

[Anonymous]

Because they are children. Because they were there first. Because they had no say in their parents divorce. Because what happens to them now colors the rest of their lives. Because they are not adults, they are still learning to manage their emotions and responses. Because adults should already know how to manage their emotions and responses. Because telling a kid that dad's new wife is more important than they are will ruin their relationship with dad.

[Anonymous]

Because the spouses are supposed to be grownups, children are children and often times the previous divorce was harder on the kids than the parents will admit. Grow up.

[Anonymous]

The kids from the first marriage come first because they had their parents marriage, and thus their idea of a family, collapse. The second marriage only solidifies this. The second marriage, if it should turn out to be a good long lasting one, will eventually become a source of comfort to the children from the first marriage, but not until they are much older.

This is all assuming the children from the first marriage are minors at the time of the divorce and second marriage. If they are adults, make your own rules.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First, this is NOT a troll question, even though I know it's going to start a war I am curious if there are any thoughtful responses. It occurred to me reading the current thread by an OP asking about the reasonableness of a request for money from the first wife for her stepdaughters' homecoming.

Many people believe that a marriage is at the center of a family, and that two spouses should always put each other and their marriage as their top priority even before their own children. Even here on DCUM there have been threads in the past asking whether you love your spouse or your child more, or which is your top priority, and the responses have been mixed.

With that in mind, when I read threads like the one I referenced, many of the responses are "well, the kids from the first marriage came before the second spouse so second spouse just has to suck it up since decisions don't concern him/her and the kids come first". If a marriage should be central to a relationship and family, one might presume this would include blended families, then why is it anethma for a second wife to want a role or expect to be given some priority in their relationship. This does NOT mean simply ignoring the kids, but understanding that the strength of the marriage is critical, regardless of whether any children involved are part of an intact family or are now children of divorced parents and stepparents. Why does that philosophy change when it comes to a second marriage, or is it simply different people responding to the posts?

I wasn't sure whether to post this in the parentin-special concerns forum or here since it's really about the marriage.

Because the new step is marrying into a family that already exists. She/he doesn't get to alter that family anymore than she/he gets to alter her spouse. She/he also has no rights to the children in question. No rights to decide how they are raised etc., because they aren't her kids.

[Anonymous]

The kids come first because the parent created these kids and the obligations that go with them, forever. Anything that happens next is subject to the obligations the parent already created. And besides, kids need their parents in a way that adults don't need a spouse. I wouldn't say that I love my spouse or my kids unequal amounts, but I certainly give a lot more of myself to my kids because they need it.

[Anonymous]

Because many stepmothers are immature, selfish people so the kids have to be prioritized over her.

[Anonymous]

In my case, it's because I've all seen how bad things go when the children aren't prioritized over the second marriage. Stepmothers who alienate and isolate the fathers from their children, abusive stepdads that are allowed to continue their awful behavior because the mom puts them first.

There is an assumption of the whole "put your own oxygen mask on first before helping others" metaphor that once you take care of yourself, you will, ya know, actually put the oxygen mask on the kid next to you. I think that assumption doesn't necessarily hold up in marriages where one spouse isn't the parent of the children involved. The prioritizing of themselves never ends so the kids never get what they need.

Obviously, for a lot of stepparents, this isn't the case but the bad apples ruin it for everyone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because many stepmothers are immature, selfish people so the kids have to be prioritized over her.

Because she's not adult enough to prioritize them herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because many stepmothers are immature, selfish people so the kids have to be prioritized over her.

Because she's not adult enough to prioritize them herself.

Or, more charitably, because they aren't her kids. She has no innate protective mama-bear instincts to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because they are children. Because they were there first. Because they had no say in their parents divorce. Because what happens to them now colors the rest of their lives. Because they are not adults, they are still learning to manage their emotions and responses. Because adults should already know how to manage their emotions and responses. Because telling a kid that dad's new wife is more important than they are will ruin their relationship with dad.

+1

[Anonymous]

Prioritizing the marriage over the kids is often seen as something done for the benefit of the entire family. Keeping the original nuclear family together is the goal so mom and dad investing the time and energy they need into maintaining their own relationship directly benefits the children involved.

There isn't such of a direct benefit to the children for the parents and step-parents to stay together. The benefits of mom and dad not splitting up and having the family not break up have already been lost so now the kids need to come first.

[Anonymous]

I agree with OP. You should just sit the kids down and explain:

"Mommy and Daddy don't love each other any more. Not only that, but you kids are increasingly an inconvenience as Mommy and Daddy move on and seek to make a new life, and want to forget all about their past mistakes, which unfortunately, include you. Sorry. Hope this helps clarify matters."

[Anonymous]

I think of it in a more existential way- they are new human beings that you chose to create. That's a very big thing. They carry your genetic legacy, for better or for worse. They are your responsibility.

Just because the relationship that created them didn't work out doesn't make that any less awesome of a reality.


A new spouse is not a responsibility in the same way. You choose that tie. In essence, it is always in possibility, a fleeting thing. Their place on the planet and universe is independent of you and your influence.