Do I just let my kid quit and fail?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s hard to know what’s going on here. You are low on details and you seem very reactive, like everything the kid does is a personal insult to you.

It could just be puberty and being over scheduled (you mention 3 sports, 20 birthday parties, etc). Or there could be something actually wrong, but you need to step back and be objective and figure it out.

This is a kid who used to be a go go go kid. On any given weekend, he could have a sports game and birthday party and beg to have friends over. Or he would come home after sports, jump on fort nite and a group of friends would plan to go to Johnny’s house. This was the norm in our house ever since age 8. We were often the hang out house. In upper elementary, it would not be uncommon for this kid to have friends over 3-4x per week. We often would carpool to sports and other activities and kids would come to our house before or after.

There’s a huge difference between a 7 year old and a 13 year old. So many parents sign their kids up for soccer at an early age and the kids have fun. As they get older most decide they don’t really like it. I have a feeling he hasn’t had too many activities just for fun. You have put pressure on everything he does expecting him to be the best and just can’t excel at everything. Puberty shows which kids thrive on sports pressure and which don’t.

Back off. It’s only going to get tougher.

No, everything he does he has wanted to do previously. Only recently has he stopped wanting to do everything.

When I picked him up from tennis, he was laughing and smiling talking to the other kids. Then he got in the car and had massive attitude. He missed a lot of practices in the past year of many things we signed up for. The only thing we really make him go to are actual matches since he is part of a team. We are not letting him just forfeit.

[Anonymous]

My son struggled a lot in 6th grade and some in 7th grade. Ours looked more like just a lot of outbursts and emotional highs and lows and some sneaking around and lying and bad choices. Think of the social effort it takes them to be in middle school all day. That age is brutal. What you are describing sounds fairly extreme though. School refusal and not wanting to go on family vacations is extreme.

I don't see anywhere if you've just...talked to him. Not from a place of accusation or consequences or why won't you or why are you but genuinely hey are you ok. These are some patterns I'm seeing in your emotions and behavior. We love you and support you, how can we help. You really need to stress to him that your number one priority is not whether he continues golf or tennis but his well being. Your family and home should be his safe space because it sounds like school is pretty stressful for him on some level. Offer him a therapist. I got my son a therapist in 6th grade and it really helped him.

[Anonymous]

The many things we signed up for is just tennis and basketball. We wasted two entire sessions of basketball clinic where he went to one session only of 8-10. He has missed many basketball practices because he was tired or didn’t feel like going. He wanted to sign up for basketball.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son struggled a lot in 6th grade and some in 7th grade. Ours looked more like just a lot of outbursts and emotional highs and lows and some sneaking around and lying and bad choices. Think of the social effort it takes them to be in middle school all day. That age is brutal. What you are describing sounds fairly extreme though. School refusal and not wanting to go on family vacations is extreme.

I don't see anywhere if you've just...talked to him. Not from a place of accusation or consequences or why won't you or why are you but genuinely hey are you ok. These are some patterns I'm seeing in your emotions and behavior. We love you and support you, how can we help. You really need to stress to him that your number one priority is not whether he continues golf or tennis but his well being. Your family and home should be his safe space because it sounds like school is pretty stressful for him on some level. Offer him a therapist. I got my son a therapist in 6th grade and it really helped him.

The not wanting to go to school was the first time today. I’m hoping it is not a pattern. I think he is really testing us to see how much he can get away with like refusing to go on the family vacation.

He cursed at me the other day and DH let him have it. DH never yells and he has yelled at him several times over the past few weeks including after a tennis match that he won. I don’t think Dh has ever yelled at any of our kids over sports.

[Anonymous]

Boys can change dramatically at this age and what you describe isn't unusual, although it's difficult to watch.

Be honest: Are you missing the go-go social life more than he is? When my younger boy receded into his shell at age 13, my DH had a very hard time with it because he was enjoying being on the edge of the activity. He really pressured DS to "do things" when it was DH who needed to get his own things to do.

That child is now 20 and still not as social as his dad would like, but he's a happy, healthy, successful college junior.

Set aside you idea of who you think your kid should be and let him become who he is.

(Also, family vacations are mandatory. There's not requirement to have fun, but you have to go.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was very upset about him missing his sister’s recital this past weekend. We always go to these big events as a family. He had no excuse. Originally he didn’t want to get dressed and I said he could go in shorts and crocs and he refused to go. DH said just let him stay home.

You are entering the "me" age of the American adolescent. Its typical that your child stops seeing himself as "we" with you. Maybe you aren't used to it seeing as you maybe are Asian? I am so I'm not trying to put you down. Why does your DH seem to "get" your son right now? I'd lean into that and have dad give a little more input into what your son wants going forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Boys can change dramatically at this age and what you describe isn't unusual, although it's difficult to watch.

Be honest: Are you missing the go-go social life more than he is? When my younger boy receded into his shell at age 13, my DH had a very hard time with it because he was enjoying being on the edge of the activity. He really pressured DS to "do things" when it was DH who needed to get his own things to do.

That child is now 20 and still not as social as his dad would like, but he's a happy, healthy, successful college junior.

Set aside you idea of who you think your kid should be and let him become who he is.

(Also, family vacations are mandatory. There's not requirement to have fun, but you have to go.)

I have two other kids. We are plenty busy and have our own friends. The social middle child always had so many friends that he mostly hung out with his friends while I stayed back with younger child. I have more parent friends with my oldest and youngest kids.

[Anonymous]

And oldest kid is in high school so those friends are now just my adult friends. It isn’t like I am hanging out with my teen and their friends parents altogether.

[Anonymous]

I agree with everyone's comments on the academic stuff and concerns about bullying.

But I need to add something as a parent of an athlete who has made plenty of mistakes myself: you need to let tennis go. Saying you won't let him forfeit and DH yelled at him after a match that he won? This is crazy. You are putting so much pressure on him to be a tennis player. It doesn't matter how good he is. He does not want to be a tennis player and he is telling you so. Let it go. You are choosing his potential success at tennis over your relationship with him and his potential success at life. I know you just want the best for him, but you're setting up a situation where to him it feels like his standing in the family and your love for him is based on whether or not he succeeds at tennis.

He's intentionally pulling away from that and you're failing his test by showing that your love is indeed conditional based on his success at tennis. This is hard to do, but there are good resources online to help yourself separate from all that as a parent- I like Coach Rebecca from Complete Performance and Coach Bre. Both have some good articles to help you unwind where you are with a sport vs. where your kid is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with everyone's comments on the academic stuff and concerns about bullying.

But I need to add something as a parent of an athlete who has made plenty of mistakes myself: you need to let tennis go. Saying you won't let him forfeit and DH yelled at him after a match that he won? This is crazy. You are putting so much pressure on him to be a tennis player. It doesn't matter how good he is. He does not want to be a tennis player and he is telling you so. Let it go. You are choosing his potential success at tennis over your relationship with him and his potential success at life. I know you just want the best for him, but you're setting up a situation where to him it feels like his standing in the family and your love for him is based on whether or not he succeeds at tennis.

He's intentionally pulling away from that and you're failing his test by showing that your love is indeed conditional based on his success at tennis. This is hard to do, but there are good resources online to help yourself separate from all that as a parent- I like Coach Rebecca from Complete Performance and Coach Bre. Both have some good articles to help you unwind where you are with a sport vs. where your kid is.

I believe there are two weeks of tennis left. We are not planning to sign him up.

I asked about our summer and at this point, he doesn’t want to do anything. He said he would like to take some friends to our beach house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son struggled a lot in 6th grade and some in 7th grade. Ours looked more like just a lot of outbursts and emotional highs and lows and some sneaking around and lying and bad choices. Think of the social effort it takes them to be in middle school all day. That age is brutal. What you are describing sounds fairly extreme though. School refusal and not wanting to go on family vacations is extreme.

I don't see anywhere if you've just...talked to him. Not from a place of accusation or consequences or why won't you or why are you but genuinely hey are you ok. These are some patterns I'm seeing in your emotions and behavior. We love you and support you, how can we help. You really need to stress to him that your number one priority is not whether he continues golf or tennis but his well being. Your family and home should be his safe space because it sounds like school is pretty stressful for him on some level. Offer him a therapist. I got my son a therapist in 6th grade and it really helped him.

The not wanting to go to school was the first time today. I’m hoping it is not a pattern. I think he is really testing us to see how much he can get away with like refusing to go on the family vacation.

He cursed at me the other day and DH let him have it. DH never yells and he has yelled at him several times over the past few weeks including after a tennis match that he won. I don’t think Dh has ever yelled at any of our kids over sports.

OP, you're not really responding to things people are saying to you, which I find kind of odd.

Your kid is hurting and you don't seem terribly interested in figuring out what's going on. You just want to make him stop. Yelling at him and seeing how far he pushes your boundaries and waiting to see what happens next is probably not going to give you the results you're hoping for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with everyone's comments on the academic stuff and concerns about bullying.

But I need to add something as a parent of an athlete who has made plenty of mistakes myself: you need to let tennis go. Saying you won't let him forfeit and DH yelled at him after a match that he won? This is crazy. You are putting so much pressure on him to be a tennis player. It doesn't matter how good he is. He does not want to be a tennis player and he is telling you so. Let it go. You are choosing his potential success at tennis over your relationship with him and his potential success at life. I know you just want the best for him, but you're setting up a situation where to him it feels like his standing in the family and your love for him is based on whether or not he succeeds at tennis.

He's intentionally pulling away from that and you're failing his test by showing that your love is indeed conditional based on his success at tennis. This is hard to do, but there are good resources online to help yourself separate from all that as a parent- I like Coach Rebecca from Complete Performance and Coach Bre. Both have some good articles to help you unwind where you are with a sport vs. where your kid is.

I believe there are two weeks of tennis left. We are not planning to sign him up.

I asked about our summer and at this point, he doesn’t want to do anything. He said he would like to take some friends to our beach house.

You're not listening to him.

He told you exactly what he wants to do this summer: bum around and chill with friends. Which, at 13/14 is perfectly normal, acceptable and healthy

[Anonymous]

As previously suggested, chat with the counselor to get their perspective. A good counselor obtains feedback on the dynamics among the students and the teachers often have a sense of how things are going for students. After that, chat with the pediatrician.

Limit the screentime if you see this as a contributor, listen without judgment (hard to do, I know) ie write down what he says and don't respond in the moment but come back to it when you and he are both calm, and ask what he has enjoyed about this year. The latter may help you get to what he might want to explore on his own.

The social dynamics of middle school are a landmine. Being and maintaining popularity becomes prevalent in middle school, and kids are cruel to one another. When I stopped judging and listened as well as simply acknowledged when things sucked, seemed unfair, and/or likely hurt, I got a lot farther with my tween. Most important, I have seen my tween be able to deal more effectively with toxic personalities at school.

Retreating may make some sense but being part of your family comes with expectations and responsibilities. Vacation, chores, and showing up for one another's big events are non-negotiable though. Reinforce that you expect your child to go to school, put forth effort, and learn. If they need help, you are there.

As for vacations, involve him in the planning. Getting some buy-in on the front end sounds like it could be helpful.

When middle school life starts spiraling for them, tweens and teens seek ways to exert control over parts of their lives and defiance also comes into play. I hope that getting more information from professionals, trying to hear his perspective a bit more, laying out the non-negotiables and having him outline what he does care about helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s hard to know what’s going on here. You are low on details and you seem very reactive, like everything the kid does is a personal insult to you.

It could just be puberty and being over scheduled (you mention 3 sports, 20 birthday parties, etc). Or there could be something actually wrong, but you need to step back and be objective and figure it out.

This is a kid who used to be a go go go kid. On any given weekend, he could have a sports game and birthday party and beg to have friends over. Or he would come home after sports, jump on fort nite and a group of friends would plan to go to Johnny’s house. This was the norm in our house ever since age 8. We were often the hang out house. In upper elementary, it would not be uncommon for this kid to have friends over 3-4x per week. We often would carpool to sports and other activities and kids would come to our house before or after.

He isn’t 8 any more, he doesn’t want to be on the go all the time. You are overscheduling him. Back off the sports and stuff. Non-negotiable is going to school and on the family vacation (but don’t over schedule vacation.)

Up to age 13, he and his friends would hang out often. He only turned 13 2 months ago. He is not over scheduled at all. He quit soccer. He quit his instrument. He does zero academic activities. He even stopped playing video games.

I have to take him for a 13yr well visit. I will schedule that and reach out to the guidance counselor.

Screams depression.

[Anonymous]

I would talk to the guidance counselor to see if your son’s teachers have seen a big change in him. Do you also look at his phone—this is mainly to set your mind at ease over the drug stuff. Do you have discussions about upcoming vacations? Maybe you should all stay home this summer and have a big yard project. Maybe your son needs a job this summer.