Sports and lack of aggressiveness

[Anonymous]

Is it being “aggressive” or is it being “competitive”. My oldest was highly competitive growing up, which we worked on curbing some. He’s also really athletic so it naturally came out when he played.

He’s now 14 and has learned to be measured in his competitiveness but still has that drive, both on and off the field. It’s been a great character trait for him, but something he’s had to learn to manage.

I will also say, we had friends with boys like yours. Their sons have also done great in both school and sports, but just tend to engage differently. Sort of gentler, less competitive.
Great kids, all of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First grade! FIRST GRADE!

Agree.

OP, sports at this age are about (1) having fun, (2) learning to be part of a team, (3) learning to enjoy moving their bodies and doing something athletic, to build up those habits, and then AFTER all that, they are about (4) becoming good at a sport.

Some kids who play sports at this age will go on to get serious about those sports, play on club or travel teams, play in high school. Some. A minority, really. The ones who will do this are not always the ones who are "the best" at this age. They may be the ones who are the most passionate, who enjoy it the most, or (as is often the case in the DMV) have parents who push them the hardest. Actual skills are something kids can be coached into and get with practice, but passion or love of the sport cannot be externally trained into a kid.

The outcomes of sporting events at this age DO NOT MATTER AT ALL. They don't matter for anything. They will not impact your kids ability to make future teams, their overall development, nothing. So being less aggressive at this age if totally fine, especially if he's still enjoying playing. He might develop more aggression later if he keeps playing and becomes more competitive (and at some point, event outcomes DO start to matter, and that's when you start to see some kids turn it on and develop more competitive instinct). Or he might be one of the many kids who likes these sports now but decides later he doesn't like it enough to pursue it. He might also switch to a sport that starts up later in age, like track or cross country (especially if he's fast and likes to run), wrestling, etc. Also if he's an overall good athlete, he could pick up a sport like swimming or tennis a little older and still be very competitive if he took to it. Or he might not be that sporty generally, he might be the kind of kid who plays rec sports or does non-competitive sports like rock climbing or hiking.

I actually worry a bit about the kids who are intensely aggressive at age 6 or 7. Often it reflects a lack of perspective and actually bodes poorly for a long athletic career. To compete in most sports at a high level, you need to be able to shake off losses. Ever seen a professional baseball player after a loss? They say things like "it's one game, we'll come back tomorrow and start over." Or "you can't dwell on the mistakes -- learn what you can and move on." Yes they are deeply competitive people who have a lot of competitive drive. But they are also people who don't pin their entire self esteem on a single at bat or play. That's healthy. Kids who are very aggressive at this age may be over-invested in being the star, scoring the winning play, besting a rival, etc. That's not a healthy attitude and is likely to lead a kid to flame out early. It's also the kind of attitude that can make a kid a liability on a team. You do need aggression to play competitive sports, but too much of it, especially when not matched by skill, is a problem.

I like what you have to say here but I would quibble with the perspective thing a bit. Most good athletes are very invested in the outcome as they age and it is very normal to experience anxiety before a match/meet/game and regret after…often the latter is what inspires lessons being learned and more intense and focused practice/trainimg.

As mom to three kids - one of whom is a bit timid, one of whom is classically aggressive, and one of whom is a bit of both (hello Goldilocks) I think the aggression is intrinsic/total instinct. It is not good or bad. Aggression or gameness can be learned to a degree but some people just have it at birth. I’ve competed at an elite level in soccer and cross country/track and these were the people I was most *scared* to compete against.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it being “aggressive” or is it being “competitive”. My oldest was highly competitive growing up, which we worked on curbing some. He’s also really athletic so it naturally came out when he played.

He’s now 14 and has learned to be measured in his competitiveness but still has that drive, both on and off the field. It’s been a great character trait for him, but something he’s had to learn to manage.

I will also say, we had friends with boys like yours. Their sons have also done great in both school and sports, but just tend to engage differently. Sort of gentler, less competitive.
Great kids, all of them.

Like you and the last few PP’s I want to draw a line between what some posters are calling aggressive (by which they mean impulsive) and very competitive. I stopped playing pick up basketball in the driveway with one of my kids when he was 6, because his hip checks would leave me on the ground bleeding. He was playing proper basketball, and I was too slow and unskilled to handle it. He and DH battled it out happily/argumentatively until DH started to lose every game when DS was 12 or 13. That child is playing D1 soccer now.

My other two sound more like yours, OP. Our DD always cared about doing her best to win games, but shied away from tackles when she was in elementary school. She got a bit more aggressive each year and ended up a strong soccer who still preferred a great passing game to a lot of direct 1 v 1s. She had a blast playing club soccer in college.

The youngest is a great athlete who was extremely avoidant of physical challenges as a young kid, slowing changing along the way. You’d never know it now that he’s in high school. From what we’ve seen with our kids and their teammates, if you love the game and have the mental and physical tools to perform well, you ultimately adapt to the required aggression even if that’s not your default impulse. If they don’t love the game, there’s no real reason to worry about it, though generally speaking MS and HS are indeed easier for boys who are good at sports.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First grade! FIRST GRADE!

The kids are pretty much going to stay the same though. Before kinder it is evident who will be an athlete. This continues years on BUT it's still important for unathletic kids to still PLAY ball sports with their peers and kids learn to give them a shot and include friends. Sports give us a release and are important to learn/attempt. I loathe the brainless posters who say "it's not like they're going to be professionals" because they have an idiotic notion that everyone encouraging a modicum of sports participation is trying to be the Williams sisters' dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First grade! FIRST GRADE!

The kids are pretty much going to stay the same though. Before kinder it is evident who will be an athlete. This continues years on BUT it's still important for unathletic kids to still PLAY ball sports with their peers and kids learn to give them a shot and include friends. Sports give us a release and are important to learn/attempt. I loathe the brainless posters who say "it's not like they're going to be professionals" because they have an idiotic notion that everyone encouraging a modicum of sports participation is trying to be the Williams sisters' dad.

No they’re not

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First grade! FIRST GRADE!

Why are there four pages of posts when the only appropriate response was this one?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First grade! FIRST GRADE!

The kids are pretty much going to stay the same though. Before kinder it is evident who will be an athlete. This continues years on BUT it's still important for unathletic kids to still PLAY ball sports with their peers and kids learn to give them a shot and include friends. Sports give us a release and are important to learn/attempt. I loathe the brainless posters who say "it's not like they're going to be professionals" because they have an idiotic notion that everyone encouraging a modicum of sports participation is trying to be the Williams sisters' dad.

Wow you’re an absolute idiot if you think this

[Anonymous]

OP, my kid was like yours. Well rounded and loved participating in sports - but never aggressive. Like yours, he was more competitive/aggressive at home with his siblings! He's now a D1 athlete in a sport that requires athleticism but not aggression.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, my kid was like yours. Well rounded and loved participating in sports - but never aggressive. Like yours, he was more competitive/aggressive at home with his siblings! He's now a D1 athlete in a sport that requires athleticism but not aggression.

Secretive sport

[Anonymous]

This was me - I was terrible in almost every sport, but I'm a good tennis player.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This was me - I was terrible in almost every sport, but I'm a good tennis player.

Define good

[Anonymous]

I love how the non-sporty mom (don’t even watch sports!) becomes all-in on her kid becoming aggressive because he’s so-called good at running around a field or court at the age of 6-7.

OP would be the first one to deride any boy who truly excelled as an athlete if she all of sudden didn’t think her kid was “good”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I go to the Y sometimes and there’s an open gym that has four hoops and it’s mostly teen boys playing. And then there’s a little boy who is six years old and he’s practicing shooting hoops. He was at it for at least an hour totally focused on the hoop and the ball.

I talked to his mother a bit and she said he just played tag football and then comes up to practice basketball for as long as she can tolerate sitting there.

The kid was remarkable for his self motivation, persistence and focus. Plus he had skill for his age. This kid will definitely be an athlete.

OP, this is what you need, to find a motivated peer for your DS to look up to and emulate. That may just get him moving before it’s too late.