Coming to grips with longterm relationship ending... why so hard?

[Anonymous]

I really need some advice and I'm tired of talking about this with my family and friends who have adopted a "shit or get off the pot" mentality (not that they are wrong).

To make a long story VERY short. I'm 33 (male), she's 36. Been together for 3 years. Like many relationships it was on fire for the 1st year (not just physically but in every way). In past 2 years not only has the physical passion waned but there's simply what I perceive as a complete lack of excitement from her about "us".... I'm at my wits end because it's so hard for me to walk away without understanding and reconciling in my mind the amazing first year and the lousy last 2 years since we moved in together. I've communicated to her and while I've worked on myself (getting into shape, climbing the career ladder) she doesn't see the problems as that big. In some ways, what drives me nuts is I feel like she's almost resigned to this being normal for a longterm relationship. Granted, I might be a bit of a romantic and have expectations on the high end, but she seems to have such low ones. We rarely say "I love you" anymore. I've been away on a vacation for 3 weeks visiting some family and I don't even get "I miss you" from her.

She's not cheating, I know this for a fact.
She knows I won't take the next step until we're back in a passionate and "I'm excited to be in this relationship"
She's not using me (we both have strong careers but in no way am I a sugar daddy to her)

I just don't get it. Yes, it's ultimately up to me to move on and not complain. I get that. But I simply can't understand why she doesn't want to dive under the hood and communicate with me. OR, if she knows I'm not the one move on. I truly do love her, and yeah it hurts. We tried couples counseling. Good counselor, but didn't help.

[Anonymous]

Well it's hard to know from here if your expectations are too high or if she just isn't a reasonably affectionate girlfriend.

Generally butterflies, fire, etc. do eventually dissipate. You can't expect the same super passionate strong feelings that you have the first year to be prevalent for the rest of your life. Relationships generally don't work that way.

She nice to you? Do you guys enjoy spending time together? Is your sex life OK?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well it's hard to know from here if your expectations are too high or if she just isn't a reasonably affectionate girlfriend.

Generally butterflies, fire, etc. do eventually dissipate. You can't expect the same super passionate strong feelings that you have the first year to be prevalent for the rest of your life. Relationships generally don't work that way.

She nice to you? Do you guys enjoy spending time together? Is your sex life OK?

OP here. Thanks for the reply. No, our sex life is gone. She at first claimed it was because of her (lack of libido). More recently (after a year of me prodding and counseling) she shifted the goal posts a bit and has said it does have to do with her (stress) but also with me (lack of attraction). I've taken care of the physical stuff (we've both gained some weight). I have now gotten back into shape. However, that hasn't seemed to move the needle. I have stopped asking for sex (as I know that isn't attractive). I try as much as possible (yes she will always have a higher level of demand for how clean the house is -- just not my priority) to share in the chores equally. Things are just really really really drab. No fireworks. Yet, neither of us have the balls to move on.

What I don't understand though is this: she knows there is no way we will get married under the current circumstances. However, she simply doesn't prioritize getting the passion back in our relationship in the way that I'm wanting to make it a priority. I've never heard of a situation where an older woman (36 going on 37 soon) after 3 years in a longterm relationship isn't thinking about "where is this going?"... that's what makes so little sense to me. If she isn't in love with me and I'm not the one, why not move on? She says she wants kids and marriage so I don't get why she's willing to waste these years if she doesn't want to move our relationship back to a place where we can move forward.

[Anonymous]

Well. So you guys not having sex at all? Are you affectionate with her in situations where you realistically would not expect sex? Like putting your hand on the back of the restaurant? Kissing her goodbye in the morning? Cuddling on the sofa?

I don't know if never asking for sex is the best idea. Have you communicated your feelings to her in a way that's nice, not demanding or complaining? Have you told her what you told us?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well. So you guys not having sex at all? Are you affectionate with her in situations where you realistically would not expect sex? Like putting your hand on the back of the restaurant? Kissing her goodbye in the morning? Cuddling on the sofa?

I don't know if never asking for sex is the best idea. Have you communicated your feelings to her in a way that's nice, not demanding or complaining? Have you told her what you told us?

We are mildly affectionate. Her love languages are "acts of service" and "quality time." In contrast, mine are "words of affirmation" and "physical touch." She's a lovely woman but she continues to try and love me through her love languages (i.e, cooking me delicious meals, planning a date night). I'd rather she just ask me about a new project I'm engaged on at work and/or praise me when I win an award/get a promotion or initiate hot sex. Feel like she did this stuff all throughout year #1. Rarely does anymore. She's had a high stress job the entire time we've been together. Never seemed to be an issue during year #1. Last 2 years it (stress and responsibilities) are always the reason she can't "give" more (whether it's sex, attention, etc.). Again, it makes no sense to me. I have communicated it. I feel damned if I do communicate it and damned if I don't. When I don't communicate it and it bubbles out months later she gets mad that I kept it inside. When I do communicate it (e.g. desire for physical touch, attention, conversation) she says I'm picking on her and she can't do anything right.

[Anonymous]

What do you mean by mildly affectionate? How often do you guys have sex?

[Anonymous]

OP again here. I mean if we cut to the chase it's obvious she's no longer "into me" and/or her attraction for me has waned. But we're unmarried and we have no kids. Given our age disparity and her desire to marriage and kids, I can't quite figure out why she's sticking with the status quo (our stunted relationship that isn't moving forward). I guess I hope it's because she loves me. But I really don't know. She's usually very decisive in all aspects of her life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean by mildly affectionate? How often do you guys have sex?

Sex. None. For a year now. It actually DECREASED once we began counseling with a sex therapist. Had gotten down to 1 time a month. First year together we were every day.

[Anonymous]

I am a woman, and reading your description, I am really turned off. It is so clear that the main reason you are doing anything in this relationship is to get back The Sex. You don't seem to love her or care about her. You keep repeating over and over that you are so confused over why she isn't giving you The Sexy Sex anymore when any woman her age would be dying for a ring, and you have told her in no uncertain terms that there will be no ring until she brings back The Sexy Sex.

If I were your girlfriend, I think I would read the chauvinism of your attitude loud and clear and I would unconsciously rebel against it by denying you what you most wanted unless I knew you loved me for me, not sex. Of course sex is important, but it isn't the basis of a relationship -- that is live and genuine deep care and commitment for one another.

I don't know what you should do (maybe breaking up is the answer), but I really dislike your attitude. Yuck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a woman, and reading your description, I am really turned off. It is so clear that the main reason you are doing anything in this relationship is to get back The Sex. You don't seem to love her or care about her. You keep repeating over and over that you are so confused over why she isn't giving you The Sexy Sex anymore when any woman her age would be dying for a ring, and you have told her in no uncertain terms that there will be no ring until she brings back The Sexy Sex.

If I were your girlfriend, I think I would read the chauvinism of your attitude loud and clear and I would unconsciously rebel against it by denying you what you most wanted unless I knew you loved me for me, not sex. Of course sex is important, but it isn't the basis of a relationship -- that is live and genuine deep care and commitment for one another.

I don't know what you should do (maybe breaking up is the answer), but I really dislike your attitude. Yuck.

I think you're making a hasty judgment without a lot of info. I've abbreviated and left a lot out here for the sake of parsimony and not wanting a lot of tl;dr comments. The main reason I want sex back in our relationship is not for pleasure. It's because I know that neither of us can enter into a healthy marriage without having some passion and a roadmap for keeping such passion in our relationship. So yeah, I'd say going 2 years without regular sex would be cause for concern about the health of our relationship. I agree the lack of sex is probably due to something else (besides sex itself) and I've communicated as much as possible with my partner about that and even asked her to go to counseling. When we went to counseling she couldn't answer simple questions the counselor posed to her such as "why do you think sex is important in a healthy relationship?" and "why do you think you don't feel like having sex with your partner?"

I've never said it's a quid pro quo. But come on, if you loved someone would you (for both your AND THEIR SAKE) suggest getting married if you've had no physical relationship for 2/3 of the time you've been together sans any health issues? I feel like I'm being prudent before walking down the aisle and having children. I can't be the only one who thinks entering a marriage given our situation wouldn't make sense.

But maybe I'm wrong. How would you respond PP?

[Anonymous]

Whoa, though I'll admit that zero sex in the last year is a pretty deep draught and sometimes you just have to suck it up and think of England. What does the sex therapist say about a year with no sex -- is that okay to them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whoa, though I'll admit that zero sex in the last year is a pretty deep draught and sometimes you just have to suck it up and think of England. What does the sex therapist say about a year with no sex -- is that okay to them?

No of course sex therapist agreed that it's not good. But you know how therapists are, they aren't out to judge anyone so the therapist tried to remain fair and balanced. Even my partner knows and admits lack of sex isn't healthy for our relationship. But we've been very honest with each other. She knows I don't want pity sex and I know she doesn't really have desire to do it either. But again PPs responding here, this isn't just about the lack of sex. I mentioned lack of her communicating my love languages (i.e., words of affirmation too). I have made a concerted effort to give her quality time and acts of service (us moving in together and me becoming less a bachelor and more a chore doer who goes above and beyond in cleaning the house etc etc that I wouldn't have cared one bit about when living alone). Again I'm not saying I'm all right and she's all wrong. I'm just saying I don't quite get why she would continue in the relationship if she knows that no healthy relationship can go on as ours is.

[Anonymous]

Stick a fork in it. You're done. You had a year of excitement and now you're just not into each other.

No kids, no mortgage, no ring, no big wedding, no problem. Just go.

Go do something you feel passionate about. Shake things up. Try skydiving. Your posts are unbearably hyperanalytical. Get out of your head, get excited about something, and then you'll have the capacity to be more excited about your next relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stick a fork in it. You're done. You had a year of excitement and now you're just not into each other.

No kids, no mortgage, no ring, no big wedding, no problem. Just go.

Go do something you feel passionate about. Shake things up. Try skydiving. Your posts are unbearably hyperanalytical. Get out of your head, get excited about something, and then you'll have the capacity to be more excited about your next relationship.

Guilty as charged. Still doesn't change the fact that I want some answer to a) what happened -- useful for future lessons too and b) why is she ok w the status quo

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well it's hard to know from here if your expectations are too high or if she just isn't a reasonably affectionate girlfriend.

Generally butterflies, fire, etc. do eventually dissipate. You can't expect the same super passionate strong feelings that you have the first year to be prevalent for the rest of your life. Relationships generally don't work that way.

She nice to you? Do you guys enjoy spending time together? Is your sex life OK?

OP here. Thanks for the reply. No, our sex life is gone. She at first claimed it was because of her (lack of libido). More recently (after a year of me prodding and counseling) she shifted the goal posts a bit and has said it does have to do with her (stress) but also with me (lack of attraction). I've taken care of the physical stuff (we've both gained some weight). I have now gotten back into shape. However, that hasn't seemed to move the needle. I have stopped asking for sex (as I know that isn't attractive). I try as much as possible (yes she will always have a higher level of demand for how clean the house is -- just not my priority) to share in the chores equally. Things are just really really really drab. No fireworks. Yet, neither of us have the balls to move on.

What I don't understand though is this: she knows there is no way we will get married under the current circumstances. However, she simply doesn't prioritize getting the passion back in our relationship in the way that I'm wanting to make it a priority. I've never heard of a situation where an older woman (36 going on 37 soon) after 3 years in a longterm relationship isn't thinking about "where is this going?"... that's what makes so little sense to me. If she isn't in love with me and I'm not the one, why not move on? She says she wants kids and marriage so I don't get why she's willing to waste these years if she doesn't want to move our relationship back to a place where we can move forward.

Sounds like she just doesn't want to marry you.

I'm sorry OP, I know that sucks.

Maybe it's best to cut your losses and move on.