Wife snaps a lot

[Anonymous]

My wife is an inveterate snapper. She snaps with flashes of anger every other day. Soon after she apologizes and claims she is working on breaking the snapping habit and that she's sorry. Then she snaps again, over petty stuff. And says sorry again. The cycle never ends (her mother is the same way and my wife hates it). This is becoming a big issue; any advice on dealing with it? I can't stand it.

[Anonymous]

If she's open to it, make a deal where she gives you $20 every time she does it. The fact she recognizes her mother does it (and hates that!) is encouraging. Sounds like a very ingrained habit at this point, and she'll need some strong disincentive to break it.

[Anonymous]

Divorce. That sounds miserable to live with. Life is too short to deal with crazy unstable people.

[Anonymous]

Some suggestions -- check anemia. When I was anemic, literally everything made my crazy.
Figure out the triggers and try to avoid them -- is it an early morning thing? Get her some coffee before dealing with her. Etc.
Finally, cognitive behavioral therapy is made for this kind of bad behavior you want to break. It's usually relatively short term -- a few months rather than endless years of talk therapy -- and focuses on changing the behavior.
Good luck. This doesn't sound like a divorce situation, because she wants to change and recognizes the problem.

[Anonymous]

Does she also have a "and what kind of idiot are you?" tone when she speaks to you?

This won't improve. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does she also have a "and what kind of idiot are you?" tone when she speaks to you?

This won't improve. Sorry.

I have a friend where his wife does this type of stuff. And right in front of his friends and family too. She has no filter.

I would divorce that b*tch so fast. Not a bit of respect in her bones.

[Anonymous]

Go see a therapist. This might be something that's easily modified/addressed w/ just a bit of support.

[Anonymous]

The fact that she acknowledge it is a great sign. At least she knows it is a bad habit and she shouldn't be doing it. Would she be open to individual therapy? It sounds like she needs to relearn how to deal with frustration.

[Anonymous]

How old is she and is this a change in behavior?

[Anonymous]

It's called a "love buster"... anger outbursts http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3401_angry.html

Is it cultural, for example my H and my BF are Italian and it is cultural. It's a little easier to control if you understand how your background plays a part. But my H also has anxiety and when it is anxiety induced it is a little more tricky.

We have a "code word"... for example "moon"... something I can say in public that nobody else understand, so my H can be shut up without being embarrassed. If I say the word he must immediately stop talking and we don't talk for about 20 minutes... or at least we change the subject, so he can calm down.

Now my kids will say "moon" when my H is being critical/angry etc.

It works for us.

[Anonymous]

First, suggest that she get a full workup to rule out anemia, vitamin deficiencies, etc. Second, figure out whether she needs more sleep. Third, ask her to find a therapist--CBT or something similar could be very helpful in terms of figuring out what triggers this and how to stop.

[Anonymous]

she may also just be exhausted -- when I'm tired, I snap at DH & vice versa (so as parents of young children, more often than I'd like!) - often over things that are 'no biggie' otherwise. I'm just kind of at the end of my rope sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:she may also just be exhausted -- when I'm tired, I snap at DH & vice versa (so as parents of young children, more often than I'd like!) - often over things that are 'no biggie' otherwise. I'm just kind of at the end of my rope sometimes.

You make it sounds like that's a legitimate excuse or a valid reason for her atrocious behavior. It's not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:she may also just be exhausted -- when I'm tired, I snap at DH & vice versa (so as parents of young children, more often than I'd like!) - often over things that are 'no biggie' otherwise. I'm just kind of at the end of my rope sometimes.

You make it sounds like that's a legitimate excuse or a valid reason for her atrocious behavior. It's not.

Are you the weirdo who keeps yelling for divorce? It's behavior the wife herself wants to change but can't get a handle on. Your hard line is not the approach OP wants to take. Grind your axe against mean people somewhere else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:she may also just be exhausted -- when I'm tired, I snap at DH & vice versa (so as parents of young children, more often than I'd like!) - often over things that are 'no biggie' otherwise. I'm just kind of at the end of my rope sometimes.

You make it sounds like that's a legitimate excuse or a valid reason for her atrocious behavior. It's not.

Are you the weirdo who keeps yelling for divorce? It's behavior the wife herself wants to change but can't get a handle on. Your hard line is not the approach OP wants to take. Grind your axe against mean people somewhere else.

That poster isn't...but I am the poster calling for divorce. Why? Because some things can't be changed and this is one of them. Her mother is like that and now she is. It was a learned behavior that will pop up again and again. It will take drastic measures for her to fully realize the effect her actions have.