Pet Peeve: "Passive Aggressive"

[Anonymous]

I cannot stand it when people use the word passive aggressive" to describe anyone that they have conflict with.

passive aggressive: of or denoting a type of behavior or personality characterized by indirect resistance to the demands of others and an avoidance of direct confrontation, as in procrastinating, pouting, or misplacing important materials.

It is not passive aggressive for your MIL to tell you that she wants to take your family on a week long vacation to Shithole City where you will all stay in a one bedroom apartment. You know what is passive aggressive? Failing to have an open conversation with her about it in which YOU are honest and express your concerns about why that is not your ideal vacation.

It is not passive aggressive for someone not to invite you to their barbecue. You know what is passive aggressive? Not inviting that person to your barbecue because you are butt hurt about it.

It is not passive aggressive for your DH to go golfing on Saturday when you would rather them take your DD to a birthday party. You know what is passive aggressive? Giving him the silent treatment because he went golfing when you never told him you wanted him to be on party patrol.

I'm not saying that people who accuse others of being passive aggressive don't have anything to be upset about. I'm just saying the word has begun to be used as a synonym for "this person annoys me." Words have meaning, people!

Had to get that off my chest...

[Anonymous]

+1

"Passive aggressive" also doesn't mean making a polite, but direct request, to someone to stop doing something. The word that you want is "assertive."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I cannot stand it when people use the word passive aggressive" to describe anyone that they have conflict with.

passive aggressive: of or denoting a type of behavior or personality characterized by indirect resistance to the demands of others and an avoidance of direct confrontation, as in procrastinating, pouting, or misplacing important materials.

It is not passive aggressive for your MIL to tell you that she wants to take your family on a week long vacation to Shithole City where you will all stay in a one bedroom apartment. You know what is passive aggressive? Failing to have an open conversation with her about it in which YOU are honest and express your concerns about why that is not your ideal vacation.

It is not passive aggressive for someone not to invite you to their barbecue. You know what is passive aggressive? Not inviting that person to your barbecue because you are butt hurt about it.

It is not passive aggressive for your DH to go golfing on Saturday when you would rather them take your DD to a birthday party. You know what is passive aggressive? Giving him the silent treatment because he went golfing when you never told him you wanted him to be on party patrol.

I'm not saying that people who accuse others of being passive aggressive don't have anything to be upset about. I'm just saying the word has begun to be used as a synonym for "this person annoys me." Words have meaning, people!

Had to get that off my chest...

Point taken.

But with the exception of the MIL vacation from hell, all of your examples could very well be acts of passive aggression.

Were you uninvited because the neighbor is holding a grudge, or just because he doesn't feel you'd be a good part of this particular mix?

Did DH go golfing in passive aggressive protest against feeling as though DW is always telling him what to do?

And frankly, MIL's vacation may be a passive aggressive way of getting back at DIL for some slight.

It all depends OP.

[Anonymous]

And I take your point PP. What you suggest could be the case.

But I would also suggest that in many of those instances, the other's motives are just being assumed by the accuser.

Maybe part of what I take issue with is that people feel justified in acting passive aggressive themselves in response to what they assume is passive aggressive behavior.

Two wrongs don't make a right, and all that....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And I take your point PP. What you suggest could be the case.

But I would also suggest that in many of those instances, the other's motives are just being assumed by the accuser.

Maybe part of what I take issue with is that people feel justified in acting passive aggressive themselves in response to what they assume is passive aggressive behavior.

Two wrongs don't make a right, and all that....

It used as a label to describe the offender as "a bad person" who might be mentally unstable.

[Anonymous]

Excellent post, op! Love it!

[Anonymous]

The error in your post is in presuming you know the intentions of all of those MILs, DHs and someones to know they're not being passive-aggressive. Perhaps there are rare exceptions, but, in general, an act is not inherently passive aggressive, it's the motivation behind it.

[Anonymous]

Amen, Sistah! Totally overused.

[Anonymous]

Having grown up with a for-real master of passive aggression in my paternal grandmother, I agree. Someone doing something you don't like is not passive aggression. Passive aggression is not telling someone that you don't want to see the play, and instead "forgetting" to buy the tickets. It's "accidentally" breaking a dish every time you have to do the dishes instead of saying that you don't want to do the dishes.

Here's a great example of passive aggression. My grandmother would be invited over for dinner at our house. Despite the fact that my mom always gave us a five- or ten-minute warning to go wash our hands, as soon as she said, "Time for dinner!" my grandmother would go to the bathroom. And take forever. Every single time. Meaning, that we all had to wait for her so we could say grace and start to eat. This was intentionally done to exert control, but who could complain about an elderly woman going to the bathroom? The first time my mom had us say grace and start eating while grandma was in the bathroom, my grandmother nearly died of shock. The look on her face was unbelievably priceless. And she never pulled that trick again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The error in your post is in presuming you know the intentions of all of those MILs, DHs and someones to know they're not being passive-aggressive. Perhaps there are rare exceptions, but, in general, an act is not inherently passive aggressive, it's the motivation behind it.

Suggest you read the whole thread before responding......

Would be a passive aggressive way for me to respond. My direct response is that I can bowled e d that possibility already,but I still think the phrase is often misused.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The error in your post is in presuming you know the intentions of all of those MILs, DHs and someones to know they're not being passive-aggressive. Perhaps there are rare exceptions, but, in general, an act is not inherently passive aggressive, it's the motivation behind it.

Suggest you read the whole thread before responding......

Would be a passive aggressive way for me to respond. My direct response is that I can bowled e d that possibility already,but I still think the phrase is often misused.

Should read "acknowledged." My kindle's autocorrect is odd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The error in your post is in presuming you know the intentions of all of those MILs, DHs and someones to know they're not being passive-aggressive. Perhaps there are rare exceptions, but, in general, an act is not inherently passive aggressive, it's the motivation behind it.

Suggest you read the whole thread before responding......

Would be a passive aggressive way for me to respond. My direct response is that I can bowled e d that possibility already,but I still think the phrase is often misused.

Bless your heart.

[Anonymous]

Well stated OP.