Getting pregnant by close male friend... any suggestions?

[Anonymous]

Just a few questions.

Has anyone ever conceived using natural insemination (I know, I know) from a close, personal male friend? We are 31 and 32 years old and would like to TTC naturally, but I've heard the legal challenges make it not worth it. We really just don't want to do IVF/IUI/AI.

Have you ever done it? What legal steps did you take to protect yourselves, the child, and the father especially? He is concerned, and we want to assure him that he's released from financial/emotional support... but how? All of the research we've done seems to indicate that paternity contracts are unenforceable. Is that right?

Please. Any help would be really appreciated.

[Anonymous]

You get what you pay for when you ask for free advice on the Net. Spring for a lawyer.

[Anonymous]

I assume you're not talking um... fully natural insemination, rather doing home inseminations using fresh sperm? You can google tons of information about that, and of course there are people who have gotten pregnant. I would start with talking to your friend and talking to a lawyer. What do you want from your friend as far as parental responsibilities, if any? What would your friend expect? Your partner?

There's a lot there to think about. Best of luck to you.

[Anonymous]

There are a lot of considerations as PPs have mentioned (emotional support, financial - prenatal, child wellness, etc.).

You mention this person is a friend? How will your friendship change? If he comes over for dinner one night (you are friends after all, right?) and sees Junior cuddled in your arms, will there be resentment or jealousy or regret?

It's really tricky because you already have a personal relationship with the person.

[Anonymous]

You can write your own contract that spells out everything from contact post-birth to relinquishing rights, etc. and have an attorney advise you on it. It is so worth the money to just have the attorney write the contract. There are a million scenarios and they are the experts. The costs are reasonable.

I was a surrogate (my egg) for a gay couple. We hired an attorney and signed contracts. The contracts may or may not have been enforceable in court, so it really comes down to trust between the parties. If something went awry, we could essentially only sue for breach of contract.

I reside in Virginia but gave birth in Maryland and signed away my parental rights. They guys are now in the process of a second parent adoption. According to the attorney, her birth certificate will have both of their names on it when they are done.

I had a wonderful book that offers tons of info on the types of donors, insemination, contracts, etc. It is call The Essential Guide to Lesbian Conception, Pregnancy and Birth. I found it very useful even though my circumstances were a little different. You could find it on amazon or you could have my copy if you are nearby.

The laws in Va for gay/lesbian parents are not friendly. Maryland is much more favorable. The place of birth decides which courts will have control over the process.

Hilary Neiman was a wonderful attorney. She had good advice, lots of experience and didn't try to sell us attorney services that we didn't want. I believe she can be found at www.hilaryneiman.com. She rocks!!!

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

This is the PP. I forgot to add that we did fresh insems at home. I brought my partner and he brought his friend. He did what he needed to do and then I went into the room and did what I needed to do. It offered the legal protection of witnesses and the contract stating the intent. Having sex for the conception would have added a whole different kind of legal risk (not to mention the "ewww factor").

[Anonymous]

I have two sets of friends who did this and for them it worked out very well. However, unlike what it sounds like you are considering, they wanted their kids to know their fathers and have their fathers involved in their lives. So, I'm not sure whether what I have to offer will help. But, FWIW, here it is.

With one of my friends, they sort of have a shared custody type of arrangement where the kids live with their moms during the week and then split weekends between the moms and the dads. On special occasions, everyone (moms, dads, kids) spend it together in one house or the other.

In the other family, there is regular contact with the dad and even more regular contact with the grandparents. Periodically the kids go for a weekend or a week with the dad. But, it's not that regular of an event.

I don't know how they work out the financial arrangements in either case, except that in both cases one of the moms carries the health insurance on the kids.

In both cases, their arrangement works for them. What I think was key was that they all knew what they wanted and had talked extensively before they entered parental relationships together and felt that they could co-parent together. And, even after all these years, they all seem to abide by the agreements they made. When I talk with one of my friends, she says that the most important thing for them is to consider the kids first. That may sound like a restatement of the obvious, but when it comes down to putting it into practice, it is much harder than it sounds because they find themselves having to put what they want for their family aside in pretty big ways sometimes.

One of the risks that one of my friends has faced on occasion over the years is that occasionally, the dads would express the desire to become primary parent. So far, that has never come to fruition. But it is out there as a possibility. On the other hand, my friends' kids have lots of grandparents and they have lots of people saving for their college.

I have to say that after having watched my friends successfully form their families in the way you are looking to do it, I choose not to follow their path - though not totally because I think it is difficult to parent in this type of arrangement. There is a lot of compromise that has to go on. And, if you think coming to agreement on how to parent is tough in a two parent unit, it's unbelieveably harder when there are four parents involved.

Good luck in making your decisions and forming your family. If you do decide to try to sever the relationship between the birth father and your child, I would consider two things. Move out of Virginia if you live there. And, second, do it through the courts. I forget the exact procedure, but in Maryland, it is something like a termination of parental rights. If it were me, I would hire an adoption attorney to help with this. If you google adoption attorneys, you will get their professional association, which lists all of the members by jurisdiction. I had some dealings with a few of them and found all to be professional and competent. A few were a little put off by some of the same sex issues that came up in my case, so I would definitely be up front about exactly what you are looking for and who you are before you retain anyone.

[Anonymous]

You really need to read up on the legal aspects of this. Given your preferences and the legal issues (or my understanding of them), what I suggest is the following:

1. Find a supportive Ob/Gyn.
2. Draw up a legal contract with an attorney.
3. Buy and read a copy of Taking Charge of Your Fertility.
4. Begin to chart and monitor your cycles using the TCOYF.com charts.
5. While you do that prep, have your donor commit to sexual abstinence for the interim and undergo testing for STDs and HIV.
6. At your most fertile time, have your donor provide the fresh sperm to your Ob/Gyn.
7. Have your Ob/Gyn give the fresh sperm to you.
8. Take the fresh sperm home.
9. Perform ICI (intracervical insemination) yourself at home with the fresh sperm - all you need is a plastic needleless syringe and, optimally, a flexible catheter (just gets the sperm up closer to your cervix). A plastic disposable speculum can also help. You can get all of the necessary supplies from Dr. Zavos' websites, such as the one I've provided below.

Having a physician serve as an intermediary between you and your donor in terms of supplying the sperm is, in my understanding, absolutely vital in terms of creating a legally binding donor agreement.

Home insemination kits:

http://www.zdlinc.com/zdl_homeinsem.html


Best wishes!

[Anonymous]

Because of the recommendations of the CDC, most docs will not do inseminations with fresh sperm unless the couple is married. Unless you can talk the doc into letting you sign a waiver, there is a 6 month quarantine placed on the sperm. The man is tested for things like HIV then gives a sample to be frozen, then he is tested again in 6 months and they release the sperm that was frozen.

[Anonymous]

OP responding:

Thank you all for your considerate thoughts on this matter. I have a few responses to most of the pps.

First, we are DC residents while the donor is a VA resident.

Second, we have discussed this with our OB/GYN. We have records from December that indicate the donor is STD/HIV-free. We also have Rh compatibility.

Third, we already do all of the fertility monitoring.

We have heard that "non involvement" contracts are unenforceable. Here's why that's an issue:

Our donor friend is married with children. His primary and paramount concern is self-protection on financial grounds. Other than that, he's fine with fathering a child that is not one he'd raise. We just have to get over this hurdle. Our OB/GYN told us that we'd have much better luck TTC naturally as opposed to IUI/IVF.

Our friend has no interest in being a "Father Figure" in the child's life, but would not leave ours because he is a close friend. Like I said, the only concern for him is that he has complete immunity from lawsuits or child support claims. This is where he is "stuck" on making a decision. He wants very much to father another child (since his wife has had a hysterectomy) but he does not want to worry about what will happen over the next 18 years. From what I've read, it seems you cannot sign away rights that are not yours... that contracts do not magically make an otherwise illegal situation legal. But people do this, so now we have to figure out how.

If absolutely necessary, we will contact a lawyer. We were hoping to avoid such consultation and just do this on our own, but that might not be possible.

Thanks for your suggestions and for sharing your personal experiences. It was very helpful and I will take the advice I have been given.

[Anonymous]

This is the PP surrogate. The legal papers that I used to relinquish my rights are the same that I would sign if I were simply giving up a child for adoption, with some adjustments for the intent and compensation part.

[Anonymous]

I think your money would be well spent to contact a lawyer. There is a way to relinquish your obligations to your child - which is why adoption works. The issue for your prospective donor is how. This all being said, one thing to think about is how you will explain all of this to your child. This is not a value judgment or an indication that I somehow disapprove of your plan. I just think that when you decide to bring a child into your lives, you should be comfortable with answering the questions you will be asked.

[Anonymous]

a totally separate point, the emotional one. my son is 5. i used an anonymous sperm donor. my son feels the absence of a father deeply. the way he explains it to his friends, "i have a father, i just don't know him." he wishes more than anything for a father. he is not old enough to understand the concept of a donor. sometimes i wish i had used a known donor program so my son could one day have the option of meeting his father or learning more about him. that said, it's important that you really try to imagine the future for your child. i can understand your friend not wanting to become a "dad" to your child. i respect his setting the boundaries. however, how known will he be? are you all clear on what your child will know? will it be a secret? will your friend want to be a special person in your child's life? these decisions will impact your child more than you can imagine. just something to think about.

[Anonymous]

If you are worried about the expense of a lawyer, you can pay them up front & then go through a second parent adoption after the kid is born, claim the adoption tax credit & get all the lawyer expenses back...

[Anonymous]

How can one not develop some type of emotional attachment to the "donor" if insemination is to be done "naturally"? Just a rhetorical question, I suppose.