Broken home & kid says it doesn't affect him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop saying broken home.

You should look into why this triggers you.

You should into why this triggers you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop saying broken home.

+1. It's such an unnecessarily negative framing. I'm divorced and would never use this term with my child. In fact I thought it was kind of standard practice not to use that term? Definitely no therapist would ever recommend it.

I used it in the title but not with him. You can see by his response I used the framing that we aren't together and weren't for most of his life.

Why are you in here crowdsourcing this? You seem to enjoy this with doing this to your son to look like a hero.

I'm asking people with similar situations for advice about what they wish they had done differently. E.g. kid had a mental breakdown in college and I wished I had them in therapy before college. Unfortunately this seems to attract more people with judgement than experience.

I (the child in this situation) struggled mightily in college with what we all now know was PTSD and depression, but back then I didn't have help. I went through some shit, dropped out for a few years, was even estranged from my mom for a little bit, but eventually got back on track. My mom helped me find a therapist as a young adult (and got my younger still-at-home sibling into therapy too) and I was able to dig into it all. I am not saying the same will happen for your kid, just sharing what happened with me in hopes it will help you in any way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop saying broken home.

+1. It's such an unnecessarily negative framing. I'm divorced and would never use this term with my child. In fact I thought it was kind of standard practice not to use that term? Definitely no therapist would ever recommend it.

I used it in the title but not with him. You can see by his response I used the framing that we aren't together and weren't for most of his life.

Why are you in here crowdsourcing this? You seem to enjoy this with doing this to your son to look like a hero.

I'm asking people with similar situations for advice about what they wish they had done differently. E.g. kid had a mental breakdown in college and I wished I had them in therapy before college. Unfortunately this seems to attract more people with judgement than experience.

I (the child in this situation) struggled mightily in college with what we all now know was PTSD and depression, but back then I didn't have help. I went through some shit, dropped out for a few years, was even estranged from my mom for a little bit, but eventually got back on track. My mom helped me find a therapist as a young adult (and got my younger still-at-home sibling into therapy too) and I was able to dig into it all. I am not saying the same will happen for your kid, just sharing what happened with me in hopes it will help you in any way.

Came back to say that if I had been a different kid I probably would have turned to drugs but I was, at core, a rule follower, partially of my experience as a kid, and drugs were taboo and scary, even party drugs that others seemed to have no qualms about using. I am also the earlier poster who only dated short slight men.

[Anonymous]

OP, ignore all the ridiculous and nasty response. You have done everything you can and now have to take your son’s lead. My kid’s therapist said that it’s common for kids to not deal with childhood issues until they are in their 20s or older. As some apps have said, just make sure you and your son have open lines of communication.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's had no contact with Dad and you haven't been willing for him to have a relationship with Dad so why the discussion or drama. Kid will tell you what you want to hear. You replaced his dad with your husband.

He sees his Dad all the time. His Dad is more mentally stable now, his new wife is a wonderful person. That doesn't erase the years before that, though.

So, why are you creating drama when there is none?

I'm checking in with him, asking him how he feels about it and if he wants help to ask. I told him that I want him to be healthy and happy and that if these things surface it's better to deal with it than hide or suppress it.

Because your ex just got married.

Actually he just got into a very competitive high school so it was more about that - the pressure boiler he may be stepping into - than his Dad getting married.

The high school has nothing to do with this and it being competitive is even more irrelevant. You also admitted that it was partly due to the dad getting remarried. This is all you.

He’s 15 and in 8th grade. You have bigger problems than this

Op is upset her ex got remarried. Only she’s allowed to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, ignore all the ridiculous and nasty response. You have done everything you can and now have to take your son’s lead. My kid’s therapist said that it’s common for kids to not deal with childhood issues until they are in their 20s or older. As some apps have said, just make sure you and your son have open lines of communication.

+1. Many of these responses are ridiculous to the point I think the Russian bots are trying to stir the pot.

DC’s father, my ex, had a mental health breakdown due to work stress (military). This caused him to become abusive towards our family and we divorced. Ex and DC got into a fight one day, and ex said he was done being his dad (and that he would hurt DC if DC ever went to his home again).

I have on occasion asked DC if they had any thoughts they wanted to discuss. DC really hasn’t. DC said they know their father has a mental health condition and it wasn’t DC’s fault. DC doesn’t want ex in their life unless they go to therapy together. Ex doesn’t want to do that.

I don’t think it’s wrong to check in with your kid after a traumatic life event. It would be negligent to pretend it never happened and not provide a safe space for your kid to discuss feelings with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is bring this up under the guise of “helping” son if he needs to talk.
This is not for the son, this is for the op, for sure.

I'm happy for you and any of the PPs that don't have kids that were abused at any point in their life. This is not my reality.

Don’t worry OP, the PPs are all the same person with an axe to grind. Some bitter divorced dad no doubt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop saying broken home.

My son actually mocked me when I brought it up. "OH yeah, Mom, I'm traumatized by you and Dad not being together."

Truly, my son had a horrific upbringing with his Dad. He was hit by his Dad when he didn't eat his food. He doesn't remember that. He was mocked every night at dinner by his Dad and his Dad's girlfriend. She pretended to be me to make medical appointments on his behalf to use that to threaten him. He then witnessed his Dad being arrested by the same girlfriend. She intentionally waited for a weekend where his Dad had him in custody to make it traumatizing. Then a few years later she acused his Dad of sexual assault of his other child so my son had to be forenscially interviewed in the investigation..need I go on?

I understand you think this is "me" but, really, some very traumatizing things happened to him. He either doesn't remember or he'll repeat what is his Dad's version of events.

There is no way that you did not know that this man was very bad news before marring and having a child with him. You are 100% complicit.

I had no idea. I had never met an abusive person in my young life. I was much younger than him when we met and he swept me off my feet. It wasn't until I got pregnant that the full crazy came out and, by then, too late. Now that I know the signs of an abuser, I would never fall for that again. But that's not really helpful to me now, obviously.

OP, stop responding to these moralizing a-holes. Your story is completely plausible. There is nothing DCUM loves more than to shame and further abuse victims of DV and spousal abuse. It’s pathetic really and has made me detest this site, seeing what sorts of people are here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, ignore all the ridiculous and nasty response. You have done everything you can and now have to take your son’s lead. My kid’s therapist said that it’s common for kids to not deal with childhood issues until they are in their 20s or older. As some apps have said, just make sure you and your son have open lines of communication.

+1. Many of these responses are ridiculous to the point I think the Russian bots are trying to stir the pot.

DC’s father, my ex, had a mental health breakdown due to work stress (military). This caused him to become abusive towards our family and we divorced. Ex and DC got into a fight one day, and ex said he was done being his dad (and that he would hurt DC if DC ever went to his home again).

I have on occasion asked DC if they had any thoughts they wanted to discuss. DC really hasn’t. DC said they know their father has a mental health condition and it wasn’t DC’s fault. DC doesn’t want ex in their life unless they go to therapy together. Ex doesn’t want to do that.

I don’t think it’s wrong to check in with your kid after a traumatic life event. It would be negligent to pretend it never happened and not provide a safe space for your kid to discuss feelings with you.

This is not op situation. Op is upset her ex remarried.

[Anonymous]

This thread is completely toxic. Report it for deletion.
OP, I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Children of divorced parents and children who have witnessed and been victims of abuse may not process it until they are adults - sometimes older adults. Also, it matters how long they were victims or witnesses of tension and volatility. If it was for a short time, there is less to process than if it was for a longer time.

Don't go looking for trouble, but understand that things might surface in many years.

Yes, but continue to offer to talk an to offer anything you think might help, because your words will bubble up to the surface, right when they start processing and understanding the trauma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son is 15 - his Dad and I haven't been together since he was 3.5 after his Dad assaulted me and him. He was convicted of DV. His Dad for many years wasn't mentally healthy. His Dad had one relationship after that that was very abusive to the kids and the relationship was toxic. My son claims to not have many memories of these times, but he'll remember our trip to Venice during that time pretty perfectly.

He's happy, excellent student, and zero behavior issues. His Dad got remarried recently and I've been remarried for 8 years. I asked him if any of it affects him and he said no, he's happy.

I gave him the advice to not bury things and if he ever needs to talk to someone that's OK too. I also advised him that sometimes things don't affect us today can come back as we get older and that he should deal with it if it does.

Anyone else BTDT with older kids?

He said he was fine so stop trying to screw him up for life!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is bring this up under the guise of “helping” son if he needs to talk.
This is not for the son, this is for the op, for sure.

I'm happy for you and any of the PPs that don't have kids that were abused at any point in their life. This is not my reality.

Don’t worry OP, the PPs are all the same person with an axe to grind. Some bitter divorced dad no doubt.

+1
It sounds like this poster is so angry "Stop bringing up old $#it, never mind that I did that, it's in the past" and maybe he's mellowed but that undercurrent is there and it's important to keep your guard up

[Anonymous]

I will most certainly impact him in negative ways at some point. Probably already has, but like most teenagers he probably 1) lacks insight into it at this point, or 2) isn’t going to tell you about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The dad getting remarried recently has the op triggered and using son to her advantage.

Good catch.