AITA: summer edition

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My spouse is a middle school math teacher. Yesterday I asked if they had any plans to pick up some work this summer for extra money (extra money would be helpful right now for some necessary expenses). They got very upset and said they were exhausted and needed time off to decompress.

I get this yes, but as the breadwinner that never seems to get a break and will still be on deck to get the kids to and from daycare this summer (their daycare is in my firm’s building), I was hurt. I would love to lounge at the pool all summer and sleep in. I wasn’t asking them to take on an 8-5, maybe just pick up some tutoring hours or take an opportunity the school district is begging for from core teachers.

AITA for suggesting they pick up extra work this summer?

Why are you calling yourself "the breadwinner"?

[Anonymous]

Surely teacher can put summer to good use doing home maintainance and amazing cooking and deep cleaning and other helpful projects while still enjoying a break from the tweenagers.

[Anonymous]

OP, just a kind note. I notice that you mention over and over you are the “main breadwinner.” You may make more, but your DH is gainfully employed in a legitimate and noble profession. So while I understand the resentment that you may make more money than he does and don’t have time in the summer off, it’s not like he’s sitting on his butt all day unemployed the rest of the year. Maybe he is sensing your “breadwinner” attitude and that is contributing to his response here.

I make almost 2x what my (military) spouse does and it would never occur to me to refer to myself like you do here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My spouse is a middle school math teacher. Yesterday I asked if they had any plans to pick up some work this summer for extra money (extra money would be helpful right now for some necessary expenses). They got very upset and said they were exhausted and needed time off to decompress.

I get this yes, but as the breadwinner that never seems to get a break and will still be on deck to get the kids to and from daycare this summer (their daycare is in my firm’s building), I was hurt. I would love to lounge at the pool all summer and sleep in. I wasn’t asking them to take on an 8-5, maybe just pick up some tutoring hours or take an opportunity the school district is begging for from core teachers.

AITA for suggesting they pick up extra work this summer?

NTA - Yes, dealing with kids is exhausting but I know from doing both work with kids and corporate work, that corporate work can also be extremely tiring too. It's not unreasonable to ask if the other person will chip in and pick up work since they have extended time off. It doesn't even have to be full-time, right? Being an adult is exhausting, but that's not an excuse to let the family finances suffer. You make an extremely valid point that you don't get that kind of time off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had to dip into our emergency fund pretty substantially this year to cover several unexpected and large expenses (both medical and home related). So can we put food on the table, yes. Are we able to replenish our savings and get us back to a financially stable place, not really. Our HHI is about $160k so we do well, but aren’t super high income.

The extra tutoring money would allow us the flexibility to go on a small vacation this summer or put additional money away.

And do I resent my DH some that he sleeps in until whenever and lays out by the pool while I’m in the office 5 days a week, yes a bit. So I guess that makes me the AH. I also don’t like the pressure of having always been the breadwinner. If I lose my job we are in big trouble financially so I work incredibly hard to always be the high performer while he hangs out all summer at the pool or traveling while I work.

So I will own I’m the AH who should have married better (not the teacher) to avoid these feelings.

The bolded is also true for your husband; if you're dipping into emergency funds and having trouble replenishing them, you're in trouble no matter who loses their job. This isn't a "breadwinner" situation in my opinion. Our income is similar to yours with, probably, a similar gap between my and my spouse's income. I'm not the breadwinner, we both are. I think calling yourself the "breadwinner" is belittling to your husband's job, which is also crucial for your families' financial health.

And personally, I find it odd how many people are resentful about this stuff. His going to the pool doesn't change whether or not you have to go to work. Moreover, you're an adult and you're the boss of your feelings, not the other way around. You can stew in the negative feelings and poison yourself and your relationship or you can not do that. You get to decide.

[Anonymous]

I do think it’s kind of an a-hole thing to bring up with a teacher in May. It’s a really busy time and he’s probably feeling burnt out and its another demand.

Not saying he shouldn’t contribute more to the household in the summer—he should—but you are also clearly bringing it up out of some resentment that he’s off (“lounging by the pool”).

[Anonymous]

The posters who mentioned how useful this is going to be when you have school age kids has a good point. It’s going to save tons of money and stress. And it won’t be a walk in the park for him caring for the kids all day. So maybe that perspective helps?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do think it’s kind of an a-hole thing to bring up with a teacher in May. It’s a really busy time and he’s probably feeling burnt out and its another demand.

Not saying he shouldn’t contribute more to the household in the summer—he should—but you are also clearly bringing it up out of some resentment that he’s off (“lounging by the pool”).

OP can always make a career change to teaching if she wants the time off in the summer. Then she can hang by the pool too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do think it’s kind of an a-hole thing to bring up with a teacher in May. It’s a really busy time and he’s probably feeling burnt out and its another demand.

Not saying he shouldn’t contribute more to the household in the summer—he should—but you are also clearly bringing it up out of some resentment that he’s off (“lounging by the pool”).

OP can always make a career change to teaching if she wants the time off in the summer. Then she can hang by the pool too!

Yeah right. If they’re struggling financially now, I can’t imagine they’d be doing better if they both made a teacher’s salary…someone or both would definitely need to work summers if they were both teachers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do think it’s kind of an a-hole thing to bring up with a teacher in May. It’s a really busy time and he’s probably feeling burnt out and its another demand.

Not saying he shouldn’t contribute more to the household in the summer—he should—but you are also clearly bringing it up out of some resentment that he’s off (“lounging by the pool”).

OP can always make a career change to teaching if she wants the time off in the summer. Then she can hang by the pool too!

Yeah right. If they’re struggling financially now, I can’t imagine they’d be doing better if they both made a teacher’s salary…someone or both would definitely need to work summers if they were both teachers.

I was being facetious.

I don’t envy teachers at all. No way I would want to deal with what they do even to have some time off in the summer. I’ll take my corporate job any day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, just a kind note. I notice that you mention over and over you are the “main breadwinner.” You may make more, but your DH is gainfully employed in a legitimate and noble profession. So while I understand the resentment that you may make more money than he does and don’t have time in the summer off, it’s not like he’s sitting on his butt all day unemployed the rest of the year. Maybe he is sensing your “breadwinner” attitude and that is contributing to his response here.

I make almost 2x what my (military) spouse does and it would never occur to me to refer to myself like you do here.

GMAFB. Men have referred to themselves this way since the beginning of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do think it’s kind of an a-hole thing to bring up with a teacher in May. It’s a really busy time and he’s probably feeling burnt out and its another demand.

Not saying he shouldn’t contribute more to the household in the summer—he should—but you are also clearly bringing it up out of some resentment that he’s off (“lounging by the pool”).

OP can always make a career change to teaching if she wants the time off in the summer. Then she can hang by the pool too!

Or her DH can tutor for the summer. I pay ours $100/hour cash. For 1 hour. The man QUIT teaching and makes his living this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do think it’s kind of an a-hole thing to bring up with a teacher in May. It’s a really busy time and he’s probably feeling burnt out and its another demand.

Not saying he shouldn’t contribute more to the household in the summer—he should—but you are also clearly bringing it up out of some resentment that he’s off (“lounging by the pool”).

OP can always make a career change to teaching if she wants the time off in the summer. Then she can hang by the pool too!

Or her DH can tutor for the summer. I pay ours $100/hour cash. For 1 hour. The man QUIT teaching and makes his living this way.

Yeah because that’s a lot more than teachers make plus tutoring one kid is a lot easier than teaching a class of 30.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a little surprised by the responses. Summer off is like the singular benefit of being a teacher! Between the stress, pay, extra workload, dealing with other peoples nasty kids, it's a rough job. Getting some time off over summer is literally the only upside!

I think with the extra info of having to dip into your savings is important. But I dont think its fair that people are talking about someone sitting on their a$$ all summer and not contributing. No one says that about SAHMs and dont necessarily expect them to pick up jobs when things get tight.

You can look at reducing expenses, and I like the idea of him spending some extra time with the kids instead of sending them to daycare for a few weeks. Can he take them to visit his mom? You deserve a break, but it's not healthy to begrudge your spouse for wanting to enjoy the only nice thing about their job.

Presumably though, you aren't paying for fulltime childcare when you have a SAHM and the other parent isn't taking the kids to daycare while the SAHM is home without the kid. The SAHM is contributing -- they are providing childcare. Even if the kids are going to camps, camp hours are not worker friendly and the SAHM is doing drop-off/pick-up and you don't have to pay for extended hours.

For the women who are teachers, when they are off during the summer, they are the primary caretakers for their children, unless the other parent is a stay at home parent. You don't get to be the non-breadwinner parent, and also have the summer off without providing childcare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I tried to approach it in a neutral manner by asking about what he had on the agenda for the summer. He mentioned he wanted to go on a fly fishing trip (he’d go alone) then a trip to visit his mom who lives in Oregon. Great I said. I then asked if he planned to pick up any tutoring or work through the school district. That’s when he got mad.

But I get it. I probably shouldn’t have even asked. And yes, I’m jealous. I may get a long weekend trip this summer (no summer two week trip like one pp mentioned) while he travels for several weeks this summer. I also agree that I should know that I have different responsibilities as the breadwinner. I’ll use my summer to shift my attitude and reframe my thinking.

Hang on.

There’s money for him to take two solo vacations but not money for a single family vacation this summer? That’s not ok.

OP your husband sounds entitled.