Husband rewrites history

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mine does too but it's not gaslighting in his case because he's convinced himself as well - it's not a manipulation tactic. It's weird but I usually don't get into big fights about it because the topics he chooses are just not a big deal. My impression is he mentally has to have "won" every discussion we've ever had, even if they weren't arguments. He cannot internalize learning something from me or coming around to my point of view.

Two examples: when we were discussing getting engaged I said I didn't want a ring. He was really surprised and kind of pushed back (like he thought it might be a test and I really *did* want one) - are you sure? What about a small one? What if it's not expensive? Won't people ask where it is? No ring, no problem. A couple of years later we're watching some show and a guy proposes and DH says "I would NEVER waste money on a ring" and I'm like yeah, welcome to my side of the fence! And he got really upset and defensive, insisted that he never would have bought a ring no matter who he proposed to, that he never intended to buy a ring, that I was not the one who said I didn't want a ring. It was bizarre, I was like what are you on about? We talked about this a lot!

Other example: pregnant with our first kid and I said I don't want to find out the gender. Again: confusion, some push back. "Don't you want to know? How will we know what to put on the registry? Doesn't everyone find out?" We don't find out, and in the recovery room he looks me dead in the face and says "thank you for insisting we not find out, finding out when she was born was the best moment of my life". Awwww. Now, pregnant again and I say something about being glad he is also on Team Green now and he goes off about how it was his idea not to find out, he never wanted to find out, it's one of life's great suprises. . . I just looked at him like "so why did you thank me for insisting??" and he has no recollection of any of that.

In his head, if we disagree on a course of action and take my path, and then it works out, he mentally reconstructs the entire chain of events so that it was his idea all along. It's WEIRD and I do tell him he's doing it but I don't get into knock down drag out fights over it because what would be the point? But it's also not gaslighting because he sincerely believes that is what actually happened. His brain is a liar.

NP. This was the early dynamic in my relationship too. No point arguing when he’s just taking credit for coming around to my point of view.

But things change when the stakes get higher and my husband is in the habit of not listening to me and self-congratulating. I wish I had taken this red flag seriously before we had children and I could have left.

I recently had a medical crisis that was inconvenient to my husband, and it was terrifying to have to fight past his ‘lying brain’ to get the help I needed while also caring for young children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a therapist and I have couples come to see me just to have a third-party witness to their disagreements.

I don't think it's always intentionally manipulative (though of course sometimes it is). Therapy can help determine whether it's intentional or not.

So if it’s not intentional does the mentally disordered partner go see a psychologist and psychiatrist?

Otherwise outcome is the same: major disagreements about what actually just happened or was said.

If someone isn't intentionally misremembering something, then they can acknowledge that their memory might not be correct and move on. Just because you remember something differently than someone else doesn't mean you're mentally disordered.

Lol.

My asd husband will insult someone during an argument and two minutes late deny he said that when called out.

It’s pathetic.

This lying and deflecting and DARVO is a Maladaptive Coping Mechanism.

Not trauma. It’s a choice. They learned to deny deny deny and rewrite history in order to save their image and ego, at the expense of any relationships.

It worked well for them, as a child, to lie and argue rather than take responsibility and apologize. Their parents gave up, let it go and raised a monster.

Gray rock that a-hole.

OP here. Did we marry into the same awful family??