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Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)
Honestly, how do you manage dual income marriage with kids?
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Anonymous
| I think you're both too impressed with your jobs where no one will remember you a week after you're gone. |
Anonymous
You can always be a lawyer again once the kids are out of the house. |
Anonymous
Take responsibility for one’s choices? Are you new to this forum? |
Anonymous
+1000, especially since at around 200k per job, most of the prestige of their job is simply being able to say something like "I'm a professor of economics at GW" or "I'm the director at XYZ nonprofit." It's the kind of thing that will impress a certain population of people in DC and maybe some family and friends outside the area, but ultimately is not that big a deal. They aren't surgeons or entrepreneurs or some job where other people's lives or livelihoods depend on them showing up to work. OP, many of us who had jobs like this ultimately realized this and adjusted our careers and lives to focus more on family. My DH shifted to a government job where he still does work he finds meaningful but only travels a couple times a year and has very standard hours. I moved to a 30 hour a week schedule where I don't travel at all, and rather than owning a few projects where I am the ultimate person responsible for them, I consult on a larger number of projects and am more of a specialist. We both still find our careers fulfilling, but making these shifts cost us about 50k a year in income but gained us a huge amount of flexibility and time. We now take real family vacations, we have regular date nights, we are both more relaxed and sleep better and eat better. Also, as our kids have gotten older we've come to see this transition as a kind of obvious precursor to retirement -- we see our lives more expansively and recognize work is one component of a fulfilling life but far from the only one. I think one day you are going to wake up and look at your career and wonder why you gave up so much for so little. |
Anonymous
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If you think a $400K combined household income means that you both have jobs "that don't pay much", then you clearly have a spending problem. When DH and I were making a combined $150K, we had two in daycare and were paying $3500/month for that plus a $2700/month mortgage and still able to save a little money each month.
On your salaries, you should be able to have a full-time nanny. |
Anonymous
This is us right now only we are done with daycare so we're able to save a lot more. DH and I have a great relationship though and I feel we are close and in sync. In some ways, I think needing to budget as we do is part of why our relationship is so good at the moment. In order to make this work at the moment, we both need to be open minded, generous, and thoughtful. If one of us is selfish or stops listening or trying, the whole thing comes down. We have some very specific financial and life goals we are working towards right now (that include getting to a point where we don't have to budget so carefully) and working towards that together helps us both feel connected and invested in one another. |
Anonymous
| You make 400k, stop Spending money on nice clothes and cars and hire help. |
Anonymous
| We had a nanny and a weekly housekeeper. Plus, we didn’t have much of a life outside of our three children but we were ok with that. We now have three very successful and happy adult children who are great friends so we must have done something right. |
Anonymous
You had a spending issue as your mortgage was way to high as was your child care. |
Anonymous
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One of you need to find another job with no or little travel. I’m serious.
My spouse travels a ton for work. A ton. I used to travel for work and our HHI was in the mid 300s at that time (now higher). My husband’s travel consisted of business class after 5 hours, basically he can pick any airline (within reason if his favorite is thousands more — no) and has invite only status due to how much he travels. We had enough points and miles from him for our entire family for years. I on the other hand sat in a middle seat in the back of a plane for most of my flights, unless I was going somewhere really rural and took the organizations plane. It wasn’t sustainable, so we decided together for me to find another job. My spouse also looked for awhile, but they are a bit more niche so senior positions don’t open as often. I did and am much happier, don’t travel for work and have a way better balance and I make more money. Yes, the other job was “cooler” and I felt I was doing more to make a difference but at what cost? Sometimes you get sucked into your job or career and it isn’t worth it. Not at the expense of your kids. I don’t do more work at home, but it made it more manageable for everyone. This morning our kid got up early so my husband got up, took him out, got and made us all breakfast and let me sleep in. I have done the same for him. My spouse also pushed back on the travel. He used to go weekends or if he was meant to be in multiple countries he would stay for two+ weeks and miss weekends. He finally told his boss he won’t miss weekends with the kids anymore. If it’s an emergency or an only flight or something sure but not every time. Asia can be tricky but other than one trip he hasn’t missed a full weekend in the last year. Because of his excellent work product they allow it even though it costs more money. I think you need to talk with your spouse, get more help and one or both of you need to look for new jobs. People always wanted to talk with me at parties because of what I did before- it felt nice and I did LOVE the work, but really it was like being a zoo animal. Now my work is fine and I make more money but I LOVE that I am more settled, happier, and have more time. Also, when my spouse travels I’m on duty but when he comes home he is usually on duty that first or second night and morning and I can sleep in or go out or something. We are not tit for tat I don’t say you had 4 nights in Paris so I want 4 nights to do what I want (I am not 3), but we communicate and work together. I also hire more stuff out when he’s away. I call the babysitter more, set up more play dates, bring them to the kids club at the gym, etc. also sometimes that means we get pizza, who cares?! In the summer when my husband travels we use points for one or two trips for all of us to join. We still need to schedule a lot. Schedule date nights, schedule cleaning out the fridge, but overall it’s much better now that both os is don’t travel. |
Anonymous
Not OP but sounds like you've made some good decisions and have a good marriage! |
Anonymous
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Honestly, I quit working for someone else and started a part time business because if I’m not available for sex 4 days a week at least, DH would want another relationship.
I had to call him out in a major way for bullying me over this years ago when I asked him to take one day off of work to help me out at home, but he’s not a jerk when he’s getting laid often enough. |
Anonymous
It’s this. The couples I know where the wife works long hours and travels for works they have some combination of an au pair with access to a car, parents live in the area and are willing to help out with the kids regularly, the spouse has a very flexible job or is a SAHD. Usually it’s a combination of at least two of those things, like he has a flexible job and they have an au pair. You also have to limit the kid activities to something reasonable logistically. They can have interest but it shouldn’t be this heavy commitment and complex logistics at a young age. You don’t want to need to bring two kids different places multiple times during the work week for an activity they might not even be involved in a few years from now if this is causing stress for you or in the marriage. The other option is for one of both of you to find jobs with more flexibility - more 9-5 hours, or less travel etc., but that’s a much bigger discussion because it can have salary or career growth implications. Also, it might not be a field where people can switch to one thing, like less travel, and then make a different decision a few years from now without missing a beat. I’ve seen couples sort of alternate who has the job with long hours/travel but that assumes when they switch, the person that had their career take a back seat can ramp up and the person that ramped up can find something more flexible that still allows the couple to meet their financial budget. |
Anonymous
+1. Our HHI is only like 300 K, and we made sure to have both a full-time nanny (including some cooking, laundry, babysitting) and a weekly house cleaner and people to do yardwork the entire time our kids were growing up. You don’t need to hire a house manager – you want to do this yourself. You can absolutely outsource most everything else, though. That’s what your incomes are for! |
Anonymous
3500 for two kids is very reasonable/cheap for this area. |