x10000000 |
Grief often presents as anger. It's literally the second stage of grief. |
This right here. I remember my then boyfriend's anger after his mother passed, and I've seen a couple friends react the same. It's a real thing. |
+1,000,000 Your detachment from the horror and devastation that your sister is experiencing is appalling. She lost a child. Full stop. |
OP doesn’t care much about the loss. She’s focused on herself and how to behave with family members she has disdain for. |
That may be true. Sometimes emotions and feelings are not what society think they should be. So, how do we deal with this? It is a reality. That is her question. I understand. |
Leave this poor family alone OP. Your posts turn my stomach. |
This is so very true, and it isn’t limited to deaths. Wherever we see misfortune and suffering, many of us have a tendency to judge and condemn. We want to insulate ourselves and believe terrible things can’t happen to us because we control them by being/doing better than… OP, in my opinion, there are two right things you can do in this situation. The first is to show up with nothing but support for your sister and her grieving family. If anyone says something judgy you say [I’m here to support Sister and her family, and to grieve Nephew. Just repeat that whenever something ugly comes up. Don’t Debate. Don’t argue. Say talk to you later and end the conversation if they don’t stop. Give your sister what she needs. Many parents really want to talk about their children’s lives, not just rehash the death. Attune yourself to her cues and those of her family. You have said repeatedly that you love your sister. Make that love a verb. Back burner your needs (you can meet them when you go home). Focus on on your sister and her family. Be their safe place. You may never have a great relationship with your sister, but you can do this now. If you can’t set aside the negative feelings and judgement that you have don’t go now. |
You have an ugly soul OP.
If you can’t keep your mouth shut and focus totally on support of the grieving, don’t go. If you have this much trouble handling your know-it-all judgey emotions when others are in crisis and have far, far bigger problems than you have, try therapy, medication, and running 10 miles, I am serious. |
Except all these feelings and anger were present before the death. I don't see how anyone can defend OP. She's vile |
This story is so sad.
If you really give a crap about your sister, keep your judgmental relatives distracted and away from her and keep your opinions to yourself. Let her grieve her dead child. Expect to be shut out if you or anyone else piles on when she needs to grieve. |
OP, it might help for you to explore this notion that you are being "dishonest". Do you think your sister is not already blaming herself? Do you think she is blissfully unaware her family is blaming her behind her back? Based on what you have described, it sounds like you wouldn't be giving her any new information by being "honest", so this is not about being honest. This is about you feeling upset about what happened and looking for someone to blame. Which is a totally natural response but obviously, as you know, is not something you should ever say out loud to your sister or to anyone else and you need to shut down anyone who tries to blame the mother for the loss of her child. |
A person who doesn't like her sister is automatically "vile"? Yikes. I disagree. But I do think bashing a person grieving the loss of a child is pretty vile and OP is specifically trying to avoid doing that, while you are repeatedly insisting you are in the right in bashing the OP, who is very obviously grieving. |
OP, you manage the interactions. Of course you stay at a hotel. The whole time. You have your own car. You behave well. You have short visits. You drive yourself. You are always able to, without drama, excuse yourself and leave, if the visit is not going well. Don't overstay. |
OP I hear you and we have experienced this too with racist comments. The thing is teenagers can be idiots. I would not hold a grudge. I think the best approach is education. If it is brought up my concern would be making sure he understands why it was problematic, but I would give grace and hope others do the same when your kids do something idiotic and rude.
I hear you about the way he died. It's frustrating when you know it was extremely dangerous, but parenting is complicated. I have a cousin who's kid does extreme skiing and LOVES it. We have friends who were hesitant to let their daughter fully develop her talent in gymnastics and it's amazing to watch her, but it makes me quite anxious even though it brings her joy. If the child loved the sport then I would find peace. If the child had been pushed into the sport then I would really be unable to deal with seeing the parents, even my own sibling. So if this teen died pursuing a true passion I hope you will find peace and respect the parents for supporting it. |