managing negative emotions about grieving relatives

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You feel dishonest about revealing your true thoughts?! How completely narcissistic do say something like this? Please don't go. You're not a supportive and loving family member and you don't need to be the savior you think you are by showing up. N

x10000000

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP, your dislike, disdain, and pure hatred against your sister means you should own it and not go.

You are blaming her for the death of that child, and gossiping about it behind her back. You’re fuelling the fire that it’s her fault, and it’s not. Tragic things happen. Extreme sports are dangerous, but it’s not less tragic when a death happens. I know of kids that have died horseback riding, been paralyzed from gymnastics, or had heart attacks on the football field. My own twin brother died of SIDS. Was my mother to blame for putting him to sleep that night?

Now, the racism thing is a little harder. You’re lashing out because your child is hurt, wondering if they’re talking about her behind her back, but don’t realize her response is because you talk sh$t about your family behind THEIR backs?

I’m not sure Of the slur or the context, but in the case of a one off from a teen with horrified parents, I’d say some education is what’s needed. No, it’s not up to anyone to educate people on how to not be racist (or any other kind of -ist), but education can go a long way to eliminating the impact that you talk about. It shouldn’t be so confusing, but to a teenager who hears certain slurs in songs or on social
Media, they may not really get how harmful words in the real world and out of context can be. I’m sorry his apology didn’t suit, but it also may be he’s a teenage boy who
Isn’t supposed to have feelings to start with, feeling guilty and confused and not knowing HOW to apologize to your daughter. No amount of coaching by his parents is going to hit home in the way a peer’s side of things is going to. I don’t know any teenage boy who is going to say anything meaningful with an audience of 4 angry parents watching over him.

Skip the funeral. You’re too invested in the negative to make a meaningful impact. You only want to go to save YOUR face, and that’s a shifty position for someone trying to pretend they’re all Puppies and rainbows.

She is also blaming her sister for her child’s use of the slur. I can’t tell you how many teens of progressive DC area parents I have heard of saying these things. Sister communicated what the kid did was unacceptable made the kid apologize. Is OP expecting a written out 3 page apology letter from a surly teen? Clearly sister is not a responsible parent. OP is a bitter and resentful person. I also think she should skip the entire event.

I think OP is a normal grieving person with an imperfect family and who is imperfect herself, and trying to navigate racism towards her biracial child , which is really difficult. I think you are a total jerk.

There hasn't been any part of anything OP has said that makes it sound like they are grieving. Or maybe I just can't see it though their superiority complex and constant putting down of sister.

You are either lying or have no idea what grief looks like.

Ah yes. Talking about the trainwreck sister. The racist nephew. The sister who never taught her kid to apologize. The "I told you so" surrounding the death. Worrying how OP is going to keep their mouth shut about the above and just support sister. Yes, lots of grieving there b

So you don't know what grief looks like. Why are you posting here? Literally doing anything else would be a better use of your time.

So weird. None of the grief I've gone through in life has ever looked like this

Grief often presents as anger. It's literally the second stage of grief.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Grief often presents as anger. It's literally the second stage of grief.

This right here. I remember my then boyfriend's anger after his mother passed, and I've seen a couple friends react the same. It's a real thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay, I lost a child 18 months ago so I’m far from objective. But the whole discussion of fault and bad parenting here is horrifying and heartbreaking and really beyond cruel.

Your sister has suffered a devastating loss. Please be a human being and put aside (1) whatever toxic comment was made by the young cousin to your own child and (2) your very petty and foolish thoughts that she should have controlled her child and prevented her child’s death. Your thoughts protect you and make YOU feel better, as if you are inoculated against death. You are not.

If you are wise, use this as a teachable moment for your child that whatever bad incident occurred with the other cousin in the past, that cousin is still deserving of support. And for godsake apologize for not moving heaven and earth to get to the funeral.

This. How the child died is irrelevant. I'm sorry for your loss PP.

+1,000,000

Your detachment from the horror and devastation that your sister is experiencing is appalling. She lost a child. Full stop.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:What does her dad suggest you do?

Her dad is "looking forward to seeing us," hasn't made any preferences or objections known. We have a cordial but not close relationship with him. Since this is an anonymous forum and the family dynamics are pertinent, I'll share that he and my sister have always had a volatile relationship with a lot of yelling and drama, and I'm hoping they get through this in the best possible way for them and their children, whatever that ends up looking like.

OMG OP you forgot your own story. What a troll thread.

OP here... which part did I forget?

My elderly parents
My daughter
Me
Sister
Sister's husband (the her dad I was referring to)
Sister's kids -- various genders

Is it because I wrote "her dad" instead of "his dad"? The question I was answering said "her dad" and that's how I replied without thinking about it, because there are nieces as well as nephews. Or was that not about my BIL?

You sound awful. I'd love to know your parenting mistakes because you are doing a whole lot of looking down on others. I think everyone would be better off if you stay home. Obviously your superiority is going to make it so you can't actually support your sister.

DP. I think you need to leave this thread.

The loss of a child is traumatic for the entire family. Most of all for the immediate family, but also for the extended family. Grief brings up a lot of feelings. OP is having feelings, that is normal. You know who is not grieving? The random DCUM posters responding to OP. Stop bullying a person going through a traumatic loss.

OP doesn’t care much about the loss. She’s focused on herself and how to behave with family members she has disdain for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does her dad suggest you do?

Her dad is "looking forward to seeing us," hasn't made any preferences or objections known. We have a cordial but not close relationship with him. Since this is an anonymous forum and the family dynamics are pertinent, I'll share that he and my sister have always had a volatile relationship with a lot of yelling and drama, and I'm hoping they get through this in the best possible way for them and their children, whatever that ends up looking like.

OMG OP you forgot your own story. What a troll thread.

OP here... which part did I forget?

My elderly parents
My daughter
Me
Sister
Sister's husband (the her dad I was referring to)
Sister's kids -- various genders

Is it because I wrote "her dad" instead of "his dad"? The question I was answering said "her dad" and that's how I replied without thinking about it, because there are nieces as well as nephews. Or was that not about my BIL?

You sound awful. I'd love to know your parenting mistakes because you are doing a whole lot of looking down on others. I think everyone would be better off if you stay home. Obviously your superiority is going to make it so you can't actually support your sister.

DP. I think you need to leave this thread.

The loss of a child is traumatic for the entire family. Most of all for the immediate family, but also for the extended family. Grief brings up a lot of feelings. OP is having feelings, that is normal. You know who is not grieving? The random DCUM posters responding to OP. Stop bullying a person going through a traumatic loss.

OP doesn’t care much about the loss. She’s focused on herself and how to behave with family members she has disdain for.

That may be true. Sometimes emotions and feelings are not what society think they should be. So, how do we deal with this? It is a reality. That is her question. I understand.

[Anonymous]

Leave this poor family alone OP. Your posts turn my stomach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As another parent who has lost a child, I will tell you that the impulse to blame the parents is very strong. The death of a child is horrifying, and people want to distance themselves and reassure themselves that their own perfect parenting protects them. If they can’t find a reason why the death was your fault then they look for a reason you are a bad parent, so they can continue to believe that fate doesn’t randomly steal the beloved children of good parents.

So, what you are doing is very understandable, but it’s still an impulse you need to resist. Your sister’s kid didn’t die because his mother didn’t teach his sibling how to properly apologize. You bringing that up shoes how you are grasping at straws to protect yourself from the ugly reality that children die.

When someone brings it up tell them they are being nasty and shut it down. Also, recognize that one comment from one of her apparently many kids a year ago is over, and you need to move past it.

This is so very true, and it isn’t limited to deaths. Wherever we see misfortune and suffering, many of us have a tendency to judge and condemn. We want to insulate ourselves and believe terrible things can’t happen to us because we control them by being/doing better than…

OP, in my opinion, there are two right things you can do in this situation. The first is to show up with nothing but support for your sister and her grieving family. If anyone says something judgy you say [I’m here to support Sister and her family, and to grieve Nephew. Just repeat that whenever something ugly comes up. Don’t Debate. Don’t argue. Say talk to you later and end the conversation if they don’t stop.

Give your sister what she needs. Many parents really want to talk about their children’s lives, not just rehash the death. Attune yourself to her cues and those of her family. You have said repeatedly that you love your sister. Make that love a verb. Back burner your needs (you can meet them when you go home). Focus on on your sister and her family. Be their safe place. You may never have a great relationship with your sister, but you can do this now.

If you can’t set aside the negative feelings and judgement that you have don’t go now.

[Anonymous]

You have an ugly soul OP.

If you can’t keep your mouth shut and focus totally on support of the grieving, don’t go.

If you have this much trouble handling your know-it-all judgey emotions when others are in crisis and have far, far bigger problems than you have, try therapy, medication, and running 10 miles, I am serious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your dislike, disdain, and pure hatred against your sister means you should own it and not go.

You are blaming her for the death of that child, and gossiping about it behind her back. You’re fuelling the fire that it’s her fault, and it’s not. Tragic things happen. Extreme sports are dangerous, but it’s not less tragic when a death happens. I know of kids that have died horseback riding, been paralyzed from gymnastics, or had heart attacks on the football field. My own twin brother died of SIDS. Was my mother to blame for putting him to sleep that night?

Now, the racism thing is a little harder. You’re lashing out because your child is hurt, wondering if they’re talking about her behind her back, but don’t realize her response is because you talk sh$t about your family behind THEIR backs?

I’m not sure Of the slur or the context, but in the case of a one off from a teen with horrified parents, I’d say some education is what’s needed. No, it’s not up to anyone to educate people on how to not be racist (or any other kind of -ist), but education can go a long way to eliminating the impact that you talk about. It shouldn’t be so confusing, but to a teenager who hears certain slurs in songs or on social
Media, they may not really get how harmful words in the real world and out of context can be. I’m sorry his apology didn’t suit, but it also may be he’s a teenage boy who
Isn’t supposed to have feelings to start with, feeling guilty and confused and not knowing HOW to apologize to your daughter. No amount of coaching by his parents is going to hit home in the way a peer’s side of things is going to. I don’t know any teenage boy who is going to say anything meaningful with an audience of 4 angry parents watching over him.

Skip the funeral. You’re too invested in the negative to make a meaningful impact. You only want to go to save YOUR face, and that’s a shifty position for someone trying to pretend they’re all Puppies and rainbows.

She is also blaming her sister for her child’s use of the slur. I can’t tell you how many teens of progressive DC area parents I have heard of saying these things. Sister communicated what the kid did was unacceptable made the kid apologize. Is OP expecting a written out 3 page apology letter from a surly teen? Clearly sister is not a responsible parent. OP is a bitter and resentful person. I also think she should skip the entire event.

I think OP is a normal grieving person with an imperfect family and who is imperfect herself, and trying to navigate racism towards her biracial child , which is really difficult. I think you are a total jerk.

There hasn't been any part of anything OP has said that makes it sound like they are grieving. Or maybe I just can't see it though their superiority complex and constant putting down of sister.

You are either lying or have no idea what grief looks like.

Ah yes. Talking about the trainwreck sister. The racist nephew. The sister who never taught her kid to apologize. The "I told you so" surrounding the death. Worrying how OP is going to keep their mouth shut about the above and just support sister. Yes, lots of grieving there b

So you don't know what grief looks like. Why are you posting here? Literally doing anything else would be a better use of your time.

So weird. None of the grief I've gone through in life has ever looked like this

Grief often presents as anger. It's literally the second stage of grief.

Except all these feelings and anger were present before the death. I don't see how anyone can defend OP. She's vile

[Anonymous]

This story is so sad.

If you really give a crap about your sister, keep your judgmental relatives distracted and away from her and keep your opinions to yourself. Let her grieve her dead child.

Expect to be shut out if you or anyone else piles on when she needs to grieve.

[Anonymous]

OP, it might help for you to explore this notion that you are being "dishonest". Do you think your sister is not already blaming herself? Do you think she is blissfully unaware her family is blaming her behind her back? Based on what you have described, it sounds like you wouldn't be giving her any new information by being "honest", so this is not about being honest. This is about you feeling upset about what happened and looking for someone to blame. Which is a totally natural response but obviously, as you know, is not something you should ever say out loud to your sister or to anyone else and you need to shut down anyone who tries to blame the mother for the loss of her child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your dislike, disdain, and pure hatred against your sister means you should own it and not go.

You are blaming her for the death of that child, and gossiping about it behind her back. You’re fuelling the fire that it’s her fault, and it’s not. Tragic things happen. Extreme sports are dangerous, but it’s not less tragic when a death happens. I know of kids that have died horseback riding, been paralyzed from gymnastics, or had heart attacks on the football field. My own twin brother died of SIDS. Was my mother to blame for putting him to sleep that night?

Now, the racism thing is a little harder. You’re lashing out because your child is hurt, wondering if they’re talking about her behind her back, but don’t realize her response is because you talk sh$t about your family behind THEIR backs?

I’m not sure Of the slur or the context, but in the case of a one off from a teen with horrified parents, I’d say some education is what’s needed. No, it’s not up to anyone to educate people on how to not be racist (or any other kind of -ist), but education can go a long way to eliminating the impact that you talk about. It shouldn’t be so confusing, but to a teenager who hears certain slurs in songs or on social
Media, they may not really get how harmful words in the real world and out of context can be. I’m sorry his apology didn’t suit, but it also may be he’s a teenage boy who
Isn’t supposed to have feelings to start with, feeling guilty and confused and not knowing HOW to apologize to your daughter. No amount of coaching by his parents is going to hit home in the way a peer’s side of things is going to. I don’t know any teenage boy who is going to say anything meaningful with an audience of 4 angry parents watching over him.

Skip the funeral. You’re too invested in the negative to make a meaningful impact. You only want to go to save YOUR face, and that’s a shifty position for someone trying to pretend they’re all Puppies and rainbows.

She is also blaming her sister for her child’s use of the slur. I can’t tell you how many teens of progressive DC area parents I have heard of saying these things. Sister communicated what the kid did was unacceptable made the kid apologize. Is OP expecting a written out 3 page apology letter from a surly teen? Clearly sister is not a responsible parent. OP is a bitter and resentful person. I also think she should skip the entire event.

I think OP is a normal grieving person with an imperfect family and who is imperfect herself, and trying to navigate racism towards her biracial child , which is really difficult. I think you are a total jerk.

There hasn't been any part of anything OP has said that makes it sound like they are grieving. Or maybe I just can't see it though their superiority complex and constant putting down of sister.

You are either lying or have no idea what grief looks like.

Ah yes. Talking about the trainwreck sister. The racist nephew. The sister who never taught her kid to apologize. The "I told you so" surrounding the death. Worrying how OP is going to keep their mouth shut about the above and just support sister. Yes, lots of grieving there b

So you don't know what grief looks like. Why are you posting here? Literally doing anything else would be a better use of your time.

So weird. None of the grief I've gone through in life has ever looked like this

Grief often presents as anger. It's literally the second stage of grief.

Except all these feelings and anger were present before the death. I don't see how anyone can defend OP. She's vile

A person who doesn't like her sister is automatically "vile"? Yikes. I disagree. But I do think bashing a person grieving the loss of a child is pretty vile and OP is specifically trying to avoid doing that, while you are repeatedly insisting you are in the right in bashing the OP, who is very obviously grieving.

[Anonymous]

OP, you manage the interactions. Of course you stay at a hotel. The whole time. You have your own car. You behave well. You have short visits. You drive yourself. You are always able to, without drama, excuse yourself and leave, if the visit is not going well. Don't overstay.

[Anonymous]

OP I hear you and we have experienced this too with racist comments. The thing is teenagers can be idiots. I would not hold a grudge. I think the best approach is education. If it is brought up my concern would be making sure he understands why it was problematic, but I would give grace and hope others do the same when your kids do something idiotic and rude.

I hear you about the way he died. It's frustrating when you know it was extremely dangerous, but parenting is complicated. I have a cousin who's kid does extreme skiing and LOVES it. We have friends who were hesitant to let their daughter fully develop her talent in gymnastics and it's amazing to watch her, but it makes me quite anxious even though it brings her joy. If the child loved the sport then I would find peace. If the child had been pushed into the sport then I would really be unable to deal with seeing the parents, even my own sibling. So if this teen died pursuing a true passion I hope you will find peace and respect the parents for supporting it.