Different relationship timelines

[Anonymous]

OP, what’s your vision of an average weekday with four children? Do you expect either of you to be a stay-at-home parent? If so, do you expect the other’s salary to support a family of six? Do you expect to have a very flexible job, to do your full busy half of caring for four kids, meals, cleaning, activities, homework, doc appointments etc etc etc, or to be paid well-enough to have a full-time nanny? Or will your mom move in with you? Have you guys honestly discussed your feelings about these scenarios?

[Anonymous]

OP I’m guessing you’re not in dc? I had my you great at 43, and most other friends parents are my age. I don’t feel older or like I have less energy than when I had my first at 38. I actually have a lot more flexibility bc we now have the means to outsource everything that doesn’t directly involve time w/ the kids. I think you’re being ridiculous on the age thing.
I also think there’s a good chance she’ll keep putting this off. School is actually a great time to have a baby. I doubt she’s going to want to get pregnant immediate after when she’s looking for that first big job. It will just spiral from there. I’ve seen it happen many times

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I’m guessing you’re not in dc? I had my you great at 43, and most other friends parents are my age. I don’t feel older or like I have less energy than when I had my first at 38. I actually have a lot more flexibility bc we now have the means to outsource everything that doesn’t directly involve time w/ the kids. I think you’re being ridiculous on the age thing.
I also think there’s a good chance she’ll keep putting this off. School is actually a great time to have a baby. I doubt she’s going to want to get pregnant immediate after when she’s looking for that first big job. It will just spiral from there. I’ve seen it happen many times

I completely disagree with you. I had kids starting at 25 and now am pregnant at 39. I would never have wanted this if it weren't for the awful infertility journey I've been on. If you have no choice, then yeah that's the only option.

But I do agree with you that OP needs to move on. She isn't serious about kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been in a relationship with this amazing woman for the past 15 months. We have made plans to move in together next month and get engaged over the summer. I’ve expressed my interest in settling down verbally and physical actions when we first met, and many times over the course of the relationship as I knew I wanted to marry her. Our plans were move in next month, get married next year, and start trying for a family soon after. She was on the same page this entire but now wants to go and to school for a degree advancement. She has always been on the fence but now feels that our relationship will give her the stability for it. She wants to get married but kids will be pushed back for 2-3 years until she’s done with school.

I love her and want to support her but I don’t want to wait and be an old dad. We are already in our thirties. Do I just suck it up and support her and wait? I’m not breaking up with her over this, and it’s not like I can make her have kids any sooner.

OP, she is obviously using you as her support system while she goes to school. While in school, she will look for better options to trade up from you. Regardless, don't be a patsy. Dump her now and move on with your life.

Yep

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To me—it’s very healthy to figure out your priorities.
If OP values having kids or adherence to kid timeline above being married to this woman he loves—then he should absolutely break up with her and risk starting over to get what he wants MOST.

But for me, it was not worth losing him.
I love him and would not have wanted a life without him or to see him having “our life” without me……so I feel like I made the correct choice for me.

The bottom line is no one should feel like they are sacrificing something they aren’t willing to sacrifice in order to be in a relationship. I don’t like to necessarily make it about love because loving someone and being compatible don’t always align. Also, you can always flip any statement around to say well I put being married to this person above having xyz, well they were willing to risk not being with you because they prioritized having xyz. That doesn’t mean you don’t love each other, it means the sacrifice of something felt bigger to one person than the other and either you cared less about it or you made your own cost/benefit that you felt okay with what you might be giving up.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the poster who said that the best path forward is premarital counseling, with a huge focus on compromise in decision making plus all the assumptions that each of you have baked in about how these next phases of your lives will go - and where your assumptions align with each other (and where they don't).

OP, you are 34, you've been dating for 15 months and yet your plan is to wait an additional 15+ months before you get married. That's also at odds with a "have kids young" plan.

Is there a world where she can speed up the start of grad school and begin this fall or in the spring? What if you eloped and got pregnant with kid 1 now, then took a break before kid 2? Or had two kids, then you took on primary parenting while she focused on grad school / career advancement?

The bottom line is that you both have a million different ways to compromise - but you are only focused here on your plan and what you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what’s your vision of an average weekday with four children? Do you expect either of you to be a stay-at-home parent? If so, do you expect the other’s salary to support a family of six? Do you expect to have a very flexible job, to do your full busy half of caring for four kids, meals, cleaning, activities, homework, doc appointments etc etc etc, or to be paid well-enough to have a full-time nanny? Or will your mom move in with you? Have you guys honestly discussed your feelings about these scenarios?

OP here. I’m not entirely sure since I don’t have kids. I can financially support a family by myself but totally cool with her wanting to work and having childcare. We will likely outsource a lot of household chores to maximize family time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the poster who said that the best path forward is premarital counseling, with a huge focus on compromise in decision making plus all the assumptions that each of you have baked in about how these next phases of your lives will go - and where your assumptions align with each other (and where they don't).

OP, you are 34, you've been dating for 15 months and yet your plan is to wait an additional 15+ months before you get married. That's also at odds with a "have kids young" plan.

Is there a world where she can speed up the start of grad school and begin this fall or in the spring? What if you eloped and got pregnant with kid 1 now, then took a break before kid 2? Or had two kids, then you took on primary parenting while she focused on grad school / career advancement?

The bottom line is that you both have a million different ways to compromise - but you are only focused here on your plan and what you want.

OP here. I’m not sure where you got waiting an additional 15+ months to get married? We will be getting engaged this summer and marry next year. It will be 8-12 months from engaged to married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been in a relationship with this amazing woman for the past 15 months. We have made plans to move in together next month and get engaged over the summer. I’ve expressed my interest in settling down verbally and physical actions when we first met, and many times over the course of the relationship as I knew I wanted to marry her. Our plans were move in next month, get married next year, and start trying for a family soon after. She was on the same page this entire but now wants to go and to school for a degree advancement. She has always been on the fence but now feels that our relationship will give her the stability for it. She wants to get married but kids will be pushed back for 2-3 years until she’s done with school.

I love her and want to support her but I don’t want to wait and be an old dad. We are already in our thirties. Do I just suck it up and support her and wait? I’m not breaking up with her over this, and it’s not like I can make her have kids any sooner.

OP, she is obviously using you as her support system while she goes to school. While in school, she will look for better options to trade up from you. Regardless, don't be a patsy. Dump her now and move on with your life.

Yep

The way the PP wrote it seems harsh and cynical but truthfully I thought the same thing while reading the OP. I'm sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

I applaud you for switching genders this time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - tell her you need your biological child, one way or another. And that she would need to compromise and use a donor egg for that, if it's too late.
She's ok going for career advancement, and you would be fine having kids even in your 40s. She can get pregnant and carry a child up to age 55 due to medical advancements, but she would be using donor egg.

You have an upper hand with the time, being a man. You can fall out with her and meet a younger woman even in your 40s to get kids

OP here. I do not want to wait 40+ to have kids.

Well than she is not the right one for you. Shared goals and interests are very important. Your timelines don't match. I waited to have kids till all our student loans were paid off and we started our medical practice. Again, we talked this over. If you can't have a conversation about this that is also a problem. Be an adult and use your words.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you love her?

I think not.

OP here. Very much. Why don’t you think I love her.

I’m sure you would be upset too if you date someone and had the same timeline, only for them to throw a curveball and delay having kids for years. Most women would go mental if the did husbands did that. As a man, I just have to keep quiet and suck it up.

Extremely untrue and extremely unfair.

OP here. It’s true. Women hold more of the decision when it comes to having kids. Most men have to just suck it up until she decides.

Pregnancy will be hard on her because it is for most women. She will not be breastfeeding ( she has stated that she will never do it) but it’s still hard for women more than men.

You have no idea. My births were horrible but pregnancy was not hard at all. I was in my mid and late thirties. Don’t assume pregnancy is hard for most women. Many women have fairly early pregnancies and it is just uncomfortable at the end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She doesn't have the time to wait but doesn't know it. Even if you started today you mostly likely won't have 2 without intervention.

That is not true at all. She is 32. Fertility cliff at 35 is a myth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I’m guessing you’re not in dc? I had my you great at 43, and most other friends parents are my age. I don’t feel older or like I have less energy than when I had my first at 38. I actually have a lot more flexibility bc we now have the means to outsource everything that doesn’t directly involve time w/ the kids. I think you’re being ridiculous on the age thing.
I also think there’s a good chance she’ll keep putting this off. School is actually a great time to have a baby. I doubt she’s going to want to get pregnant immediate after when she’s looking for that first big job. It will just spiral from there. I’ve seen it happen many times

+1 mid to late thirties is normal to start having kids here

[Anonymous]

I had fertility issues at 32. I would recommend she goes to her GYN and get bloodwork to check her fertility. If she’s 32, wait 3 years, best case she’s 36 for first kid. I had my first at 35. Can’t imagine having 3 in a few years.