So annoyed about DH’s inability to follow through on anything

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is SO familiar, down to being called a nag and telling me he wasn't going to do something "on your timetable." I had to completely take over whatever was important to me. He wouldn't clean up, so I hired a maid. He wouldn't plan dates, so I'd go out with my friends. If I want to try a restaurant or see a show, I make the reservation, arrange childcare and send him a calendar invite. Those never come to me, btw. He plans nothing, zero, ever. He got annoyed when the grass got too long, but it didn't bother me so he had to either mow or hire someone.

He's forgetful - can't seem to place his keys or wallet in the same place every day, so he runs around the house looking for them creating anxiety for himself. Will he ever learn? Apparently not.

If I need him to do something, it's like pulling the reins on a mule. Completely stubborn and oppositional. He gets it from his Dad and has passed it to our youngest. And so it goes...

Now for the kicker, he's a partner in a major firm and his Dad was a bigwig. Careerwise, they never drop the ball. It's at home where inept is the default.

Wow. I could have written this. Except my spouse refuses to pay to have professionals do the jobs that are left undone insisting that they will get to it on their timetable.

[Anonymous]

Cancel the appliance order and get similar ones where you can get them delivered faster. Make a note to not ask him to do anything big for you again. Make a Dr. appt. for him to be evaluated for ADHD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you knew the fridge wasn't on back order a few weeks ago, why not just order it when you checked?

It troubles me that you say you just can't win, is it always a competition?

Signed an ADHD husband who communicated with his wife so they both know what each other handles better and keeps the peace.

Do you really not understand this phrase? Your poor wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is very similar which is why I take over everything. We had our kitchen remodeled and he made zero of the decisions, he got to relax and be surprised by his new kitchen. Does he not trust you to make these decisions? I feel like the reason my husband married me was so I could take over his life; he truly seems to love it.
But it does bother me and the only way to get him to take anything over is with some sexual flirting i.e. "you book (insert appointment here) and I'll be so thrilled I'll make it worth your while tonight" or plan the meal or whatever. Nagging does not work at all.

So your solution is just do everything yourself or treat your DH like he's a child?

This board is so interesting. Why get married if you have to do it all AND bribe your partner with sex just to get some reciprocity?

I live my life as I want and he's along for the ride. I married him because I like his company, he adores me, and we are very compatible physically. What else is there? Some of you are so transactional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you knew the fridge wasn't on back order a few weeks ago, why not just order it when you checked?

It troubles me that you say you just can't win, is it always a competition?

Signed an ADHD husband who communicated with his wife so they both know what each other handles better and keeps the peace.

Do you really not understand this phrase? Your poor wife.

Lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is very similar which is why I take over everything. We had our kitchen remodeled and he made zero of the decisions, he got to relax and be surprised by his new kitchen. Does he not trust you to make these decisions? I feel like the reason my husband married me was so I could take over his life; he truly seems to love it.
But it does bother me and the only way to get him to take anything over is with some sexual flirting i.e. "you book (insert appointment here) and I'll be so thrilled I'll make it worth your while tonight" or plan the meal or whatever. Nagging does not work at all.

So your solution is just do everything yourself or treat your DH like he's a child?

This board is so interesting. Why get married if you have to do it all AND bribe your partner with sex just to get some reciprocity?

I live my life as I want and he's along for the ride. I married him because I like his company, he adores me, and we are very compatible physically. What else is there? Some of you are so transactional.

#TransactionalRelationshipWithoutKids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. Just chiming in I have the same problems with my DH. My solution has been to just overfunction and expect very little from
DH. But that has led to severe burnout for me. After 10 years, I reached my own limit on managing my career, the kids, and the house as well as DH. I ended up quitting my job because I truly couldn’t do it anymore. Now we are in a terrible position financially and I am unsure what happens next but I couldn’t keep going like before. I think we will likely divorce but it scares me to think of my kids alone with DH.

This is same as me! I want a divorce but need to return to work first and also don't want the kids alone with DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. Just chiming in I have the same problems with my DH. My solution has been to just overfunction and expect very little from
DH. But that has led to severe burnout for me. After 10 years, I reached my own limit on managing my career, the kids, and the house as well as DH. I ended up quitting my job because I truly couldn’t do it anymore. Now we are in a terrible position financially and I am unsure what happens next but I couldn’t keep going like before. I think we will likely divorce but it scares me to think of my kids alone with DH.

What a mess.

To quit your job because you have a deadweight husband?
Hope he makes $1m+ a year.

I'd get looking if I was the PP, men like this are not reliable earners, the executive function issues are at work, too. I'd never put my ability to feed and house kids at such risk. Outsource, downsize and simplify, but start earning. Otherwise you have put yourself and kids in a huge bind and then you can't leave.

IME often 2 people with ADD marry one another. So one may try to compensate for the other but is also weaker in exec functions than average. Really pays to get evals, meds and coaching and to have a periodic organizer, etc. The issues won't just show up in DH but in kids, too. The ADDitude website has a lot of helpful info too.

NP. Is there evidence regarding ADD marrying ADD? I believe both DH and I have it. I am so burned out trying to manage it all and still feel like I'm failing. I'll check out the site. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is very similar which is why I take over everything. We had our kitchen remodeled and he made zero of the decisions, he got to relax and be surprised by his new kitchen. Does he not trust you to make these decisions? I feel like the reason my husband married me was so I could take over his life; he truly seems to love it.
But it does bother me and the only way to get him to take anything over is with some sexual flirting i.e. "you book (insert appointment here) and I'll be so thrilled I'll make it worth your while tonight" or plan the meal or whatever. Nagging does not work at all.

So your solution is just do everything yourself or treat your DH like he's a child?

This board is so interesting. Why get married if you have to do it all AND bribe your partner with sex just to get some reciprocity?

I live my life as I want and he's along for the ride. I married him because I like his company, he adores me, and we are very compatible physically. What else is there? Some of you are so transactional.

#TransactionalRelationshipWithoutKids

We have kids.

[Anonymous]

Adult kids

[Anonymous]

I do think dh and I are like adult kids. Naturally. He has severe adhd and I think I have add. I am actually c level and he is executive level but we are both fundamentally battling our real, immature selves at all times. We are both in therapy. I spend all day desperately trying to attend to meetings and approximate being an adult. Both of us are creative people at heart with poor emotional regulation who have to be good parents and pay bills. I have leaned to level up. My issue is that being the good executive functioner also doesn’t come naturally to me! But I somehow ended up with that mantle.

[Anonymous]

Getting a diagnosis isn’t going to change the problem/outcome. Your DH does not care about the refrigerator so handle it yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like ADHD. It doesn't get better. Please do not have children with this man and get out of this marriage.

You don’t need to divorce over ADHD.

[Anonymous]

OP, I know it’s hard. However, you should have just ordered the appliances. If he didn’t like it, too bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is SO familiar, down to being called a nag and telling me he wasn't going to do something "on your timetable." I had to completely take over whatever was important to me. He wouldn't clean up, so I hired a maid. He wouldn't plan dates, so I'd go out with my friends. If I want to try a restaurant or see a show, I make the reservation, arrange childcare and send him a calendar invite. Those never come to me, btw. He plans nothing, zero, ever. He got annoyed when the grass got too long, but it didn't bother me so he had to either mow or hire someone.

He's forgetful - can't seem to place his keys or wallet in the same place every day, so he runs around the house looking for them creating anxiety for himself. Will he ever learn? Apparently not.

If I need him to do something, it's like pulling the reins on a mule. Completely stubborn and oppositional. He gets it from his Dad and has passed it to our youngest. And so it goes...

Now for the kicker, he's a partner in a major firm and his Dad was a bigwig. Careerwise, they never drop the ball. It's at home where inept is the default.

Wow. I could have written this. Except my spouse refuses to pay to have professionals do the jobs that are left undone insisting that they will get to it on their timetable.

Do you not have access to your bank account? If he doesn't mow the lawn by X date, you hire a gardener. He can either step up or deal with the expense. Continuing to procrastinate on the issue isn't an option.