Divorce - what to look out for?
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Anonymous
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DH and I have come to the conclusion together that it's time to end the misery and move on. We are on amazing speaking terms for the moment, best we've had in ages and deciding who gets the house, custody of the kids etc. conversations have been relatively easy. Now we're starting the process of doing the business end like transferring titles and the like before we file.
Those of you who have BTDT, what should I look out for? I'm worried that things are going way too smoothly and think I may get blindsided at some point. I tend to expect the best most of the time and for people to do what they say they are going to (which he doesn't...got to get out of my life) so I want a list of what my worries should be so he doesn't take advantage. |
Anonymous
| College tuition in the future. |
Anonymous
| College tuition, and also consider how retirement funds are being distributed. Even though you guys are getting along well, it may make sense to consult with an attorney to have them review your agreement to see if you're overlooking or have failed to fully consider anything. |
Anonymous
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Be worried he sees an attorney who tells him that he's on the losing end of what you all have agreed to.
Really spell out holiday and spring break visitation. (i.e. you get thanksgiving and spring break in even years, Christmas in odd) and splitting summer vacation time. Set up expectations on who is paying for what for the kids. Camps? Activities? Child care? My sister and ex-bil got a amicable divorce. Agreed on everything before hand. Got it finalized right at the year mark. They still get along REMARKABLY well, but it's because my sister just kinda lets him do as he pleases and doesn't confront him about things, like not taking the kids for the full time on the breaks he's supposed to, and not paying for summer camps. |
Anonymous
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IME, it's not the big things (house, retirement, custody) that cause problems.
It's the little day-to-day things that you don't think about, and really can't know about, until you're physically apart and dealing with parenting separately. |
Anonymous
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Therapy for your kids not trying to be smart aleck here. But so many kids I know suffer through the divorce and therapy can be extremely helpful. Mt step kids (even though their parents have been divorced 15 years now), my nephew, my best friend's kids. But both parents have to be on board with it. I know several parents who block it, usually the one who's most at fault for the divorce (like one who cheated for example).
They may not need it. But I'd make sure there are as few barriers as possible in case they do. |
Anonymous
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I wouldn't sign anything over without first consulting an attorney. I agree with most posters, that it is the little things that weigh you down. Who pays for clothes, school fees, summer camps, teacher gifts, birthday presents for other kids. Those small things were never accounted for in my divorce and they add up quickly. The more stuff you get in writing, the easier it will be in the future.
Assume your DH is going to get remarried. Assume he will have more children. How can you protect your child's college funds? |
Anonymous
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+1
My ex won't sign the papers for our 15 DD to get therapy. I have full custody of all kids, and he is unemployed, and not paying support, so I'm footing all bills for kids and me. I will happily pay for therapy, but because she's not yet 16, he needs to sign. Make sure you agree to all medical and mental health care. Also, might want to get the kids' passports before divorce since that also requires both parents' signatures. It's amazing how things can get ugly and weird. But it happens sometimes. |
Anonymous
I am not divorced but doesn't seem right that you can't take daughter to therapy? My husband disagreed on the need for therapy for our child and I just took him anyway. No one ever asked me about signing a form. Son's been in therapy two years and is doing great. Now husband says I did right thing. Go figure! |
Anonymous
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I had a really amicable divorce. My advice:
1. Figure out where both of your triggers are, acknowledge them and make an effort to avoid them when negotiating about stuff. For my ex, it was money: any situation where it seemed to him like I was "after his money" was going to turn bad really fast. We agreed to what we would pay for. We agreed to a child support figure. It was based on DD's needs and our lifestyle needs, rather than on the calculator or our incomes. Basically, we created a budget for each household and figured out what the best way to move money around in order to make it work was. 2. Remember, if you're talking to a lawyer, that that lawyer is going to be dealing with what "most" people do and doesn't know you or your husband or your relationship. My lawyer wasn't thrilled about our financial arrangement (which wouldn't work for everyone) because she thought I "could've gotten more money" and didn't seem to understand why that wasn't important to me as long as the things that I needed to be taken care of were. 3. Don't forget who you and your ex are. He is not going to magically start doing everything you wanted him to do when married now that you are divorced. There is actually LESS incentive for him to do those things now. So a person who is late all the time or makes promises he can't keep is not going to suddenly become punctual or reliable as a result of divorce. Do yourself, your STBX and your kids a favor and don't punish each other for that sort of thing. Good luck. |
Anonymous
| OP, I helped a few friends during their divorce. One used a mediator, who was cheaper than a lawyer. This can be done if you agree on most everything and aren't going to split hairs over every little things. Also, make sure you have contacted your credit card companies to let them know you have separated. This is important because a spouse could go out and run up debt between separation and divorce then both parties are liable. If the credit card companies are notified, the accounts can be separated so liability will be on the person charging the cards up. I hope things go smoothly for you. Take each day as it comes and lean on your friends that want to be there for you. Best wishes to you and your family for future happiness and moving on with your lives. |
Anonymous
I know - right? I'm actually taking her anyway while we "wait" for ex to sign. He has the paper, but true to form, he can't manage to get it done. Once you are separated or divorced the legalities of everything change. You'd think that the fact that he has zero interest in his kids would mean he wouldn't care what I do. Like get them therapy. Sheesh. |
Anonymous
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Expect that the adjustment process for your kids may be long. It's not like they just take a year or so to transition and then they are over it. Instead, it affects them differently in different stages of life. Expect some hard conversations as they continue to process the experience on into adulthood and their own marriages and having their own kids. Not saying you shouldn't get divorced, but you'll parent better and be more at peace if you have realistic expectations.
Take care of your own retirement first savings and foremost. It's really hard on kids to care for aging parents in two different locations. |
Anonymous
| what to do in the event that one of you wants or needs to relocate - where do the kids go and how does that impact custody/visitation? |
Anonymous
| What to do if the kids refuse to cooperate with your custody plan. I'm not sure you can actually do anything other than work it out with the kids, but you should definitely consider the possibility that the kids will not agree with your choices about where and with whom they should live. I was one of those kids and I'm really glad my parents stayed flexible and didn't force anything. |