I'm Becoming the Mother I Hate

[Anonymous]

Before I write anything else let me just say that I love my 2 boys (one almost 3 year old DS, and one 1 year old DS) dearly. I have always wanted to be a mother, and I happily stepped away from my career to be a SAHM. Please don't flame me. I already flame myself numerous times a day. That really is not value added at this point.

Despite having read a zillion books on positive parenting, etc., I find that I am yelling more and more lately. I hate it when I do that. It's always with my three year old. I am great with him in the morning and afternoon, but come dinnertime and especially bath time...I start losing it. I hate yelling. I know it's counterproductive and will instill the wrong habits in my kids, but sometimes it seems like the only thing that will get my oldest's attention and make him stop doing something that could be harmful to him (think come down from teetering on top of the end of the kitchen table). Actually, my boys are really good and well-behaved, and I am sure the oldest is acting out because he sees me having to pay more attention to the youngest who is learning to walk and more accident-prone. But somehow my rope keeps getting more and more worn come nighttime, and I just get so freaking frazzled. Bath time with the two of them (the oldest refuses to bathe with the little one without acting out wrestlemania 2009)in succession, is by far the worst. I am tired. They are tired. One is usually always crying. My oldest usually acts out by throwing water at me outside of the tub, etc. and I just yell. At that point, I just want them to shut him up. I know...it sounds terrrible. Then I put them to bed and feel awful for my behavior...and then time to make dinner before my husband arrives from his very hectic job. Then the next day comes...and the cycle begins. Add to the mix that my 1 year old is still a TERRIBLE sleeper. Not good. I don't say any of these things to make excuses for myself. I am the adult. I should know better. I am writing this as a confession of sorts because I am so terribly embarassed and ashamed for becoming the mother I hate...the yeller. Ugh.

My husband pitches in on the weekends to the extent he is not working, and he is doing the best he can for us by keeping his job in this economy. We agreed to specialize of sorts. He outside the home, and me in the home. But, he is truly caring and helpful when he can be. The reality is he has a very demanding job and in order to keep it he has to be work his tail off. So, it's not him. And he has seen me yell, and I can tell it disappoints him which adds yet another layer of guilt.

Do any of you other SAHM moms/dads or others feel this way. As much as I love my kids, I sometimes feel trapped in this endless, repetitive cylce. I hate myself for feeling this way. I made my bed, and I should be thankful every minute for what I have. I need to get a grip and stop this behavior. Any advice from reformed yellers or any other thoughts would be great.

Thank you for letting me vent...

[Anonymous]

I went through a yelling phase and it was so gradual I didn't notice until my husband pointed it out. Talk about feeling like crap and defensive too! Anyway, I won't tell you I don't yell at all but I really have had to take a time out for myself and remember that it just isn't effective. So, in order to get my 4yo to listen, I ask him to come over to me and look me in the eyes and I talk to him and he knows at that point I mean business. I've used time out or discussions of time out instead of yelling. I understand when they're about to do a swan dive off the top of the stairs that it warrants a good shriek but if you can cut back on the yelling in between the obviously dangerous events, you'll feel better and your kids will feel better. Oh, and there are some days I'm too worn out and we just skip bath time or I'll throw big brother in the shower or tub while little bro takes his afternoon nap, just to cut back on the drama. Keep in mind that in less than a year the two will probably get along alot better and it will be a godsend to have them playing together and not constantly requiring your attention. I'm at the point now with a 4.5 yo and a 2.3 yo that I can send them to their room to play and it will buy me a good 30 min to just take a deep breath and relax (although I'm still listening for a shriek!).

[Anonymous]

I just want to send you some cyber hugs, as goofy as that sounds. I hear your pain. I'm not a SAHM so I can't give any good advice. I must say that working, for me, probably helps minimize those feelings of tiredness and frustration. And that's what keeps popping out at me from your post -- how tired you are. Somehow I get a second wind when I get home to deal with the kids. I think it's because what I do during the day is so vastly different from what my responsibilities are at night.

Is there a way you can get time for yourself, or simplify your life a little more? Easier said than done with 2 kids, I know.

Is your older one in preschool? If not, could he go a couple times a week? Maybe you can get a good brisk walk in with baby in the stroller. I find that regular exercise (decent, although not super-intense cardio) gives me more stamina through the day.

Other than that, even though your husband is working FT, perhaps he could take over bath duty twice a week and give you a break. I'm working FT and doing 90% of the kid duty myself, so it "is" possible for him to pick this up if he's actually home at a decent time.

Anyway, nothing i said is very helpful, I know. I'm sure others will have some good advice.

[Anonymous]

I feel your pain. I also have a 3 yr old and find myself yelling more than I ever did. I have to make a conscious effort not to. I force myself to go to bed early b/c not getting enough sleep makes everything worse. If your 3 yr old no longer naps, institute rest time instead so you can have 45 mins or so to yourself. You aren't a robot. Hang in there. Spring is coming!

[Anonymous]

It's always with my three year old.

Any mother of a 3YO could have predicted this as soon as you gave your children's ages. Three-year-olds can be funny and clever and kind and charming, but they can also be ornery and contrary, and it is gruesome. Somewhere there is probably a parent who has not been driven to distraction by a 3YO and has never yelled. I am not that person, nor are any of my friends.

It's especially tough when you're the only parent on deck most of the time. So you have my sympathy.

The first thing is to lower your standards: the simplest possible meals, the fewest possible baths, the least possible amount of educational cruise directing (Today's educational outing is . . . . taking out all the pots and pans from the cupboard, playing with them, and then putting them back in. F* the zoo. I mean, I love the zoo, we go sometimes. But let your kids learn to entertain and exhaust themselves.)

Thing two: Time to teach counting. If your child is doing something unsafe, it needs to stop right away. But often what is getting us frazzled is being ignored for minor things. Teach your child that not listening is going to hurt him, not just make you crazy. I've stopped asking, "What do you want to drink?" over and over. I ask once. If I don't get an answer, I say he needs to decide, and I'll be back in a minute to ask a second time. A minute later, I say, "OK, this is the second time I'm asking what you want to drink with lunch. If you want something other than water, you need to tell me now."

For other things, I will ask. Then wait (maybe a minute). Then ask again, pointing out that this is the second time I've asked, and if I have to ask a third time, I will be grumpy, and also that he can do what I ask or I can make it happen. Then wait again. Then say, this is the third time, and is he going to do it or am I going to have to make him? If he doesn't hop to, I follow through, and he does not get to change his mind now that he sees I'm serious. "I was serious when I asked you the first three times. Now you don't get to choose."

It takes little kids some time to change gears, and much as I would like my kids to do things the first time, I think three is too young. (For older kids, I switch to saying "The first time I ask" if there's no movement after the first request.) Penelope LEach says that parents of toddlers have to expect to repeat themselves, and I found that useful and reassuring -- this is typical behavior, so you need to work around it. But it comforted me to repeat myself in a way that I though was laying the groundwork for not having to repeat myself, because honestly, it wearies me to remind my children of rules that have always been in effect and always will be.

Hang in there. It is tough.

[Anonymous]

I think it's pretty easy to fall into the cycle you are in. For me, the triggers are bedtime and homework. One thing to think about it whether you can make adjustments that time of day to eliminate some of the triggers that result in your yelling. Like there is no good reason to bathe kids daily. In fact, because my one year old isn't usually a fan of a bath, I only do her once a week. Anyway, FWIW, when I hear myself becoming a yeller, it is my cue to change our routine or develop some new strategies for me to cope. I hope you can figure out something that works for you.

[Anonymous]

I'm not a SAHM, but I sympathize with your frustration. My daughter is 17 months and, since I work outside the home, I cherish all the time I get to spend with her. However, your post reminded me of something that happened just last week after spending the day home when my daughter had an ear infection. She was in the kitchen pointing at the cabinets and crying for dinner, but she wouldn't eat ANY of the things I gave her. I knew it was because she wasn't feeling well, but after a long day of crankiness, I nearly lost it when the bowl of carrots hit the floor. On a good day, I'd tell her "No. No food on the floor." And, sometimes even have her help me clean it up. Instead, I yelled. She starting crying. We obviously got nowhere and I ended up feeling bad-- I mean, her ears having been hurting all day-- she needs a break. Anyway, I share that story to say that it happens to everyone. I find it a lot harder to control my frustration when we're together for longer stretches of time. The same is true for my husband and I, my family and I, etc. Does that make me want to spend less time with her? Absolutely not, it just means I have to "stop and count to ten, or take deep breaths" more often. 24/7 parenting is so hard-- I'm sure you are a great Mom!

[Anonymous]

My mother was a yeller and I hated it-but guess what? I sometimes yell. But I'm LEARNING how to get what I want without yelling and it's hard. My son is a food thrower at the ripe age of 2 and it drives me crazy. When my husband is home, I have him take of dinner because I'm not in the mood to get pissed. So during dinner time, if my son starts his usual throwing or spitting, I give him 3 chances to stop and if he doesn't listen, dinner is over and he goes to bed hungry.

[Anonymous]

You are a good mom for recognizing this cycle.

I have been you, and depending on how much of a butt my eldest is being, I can even take it to the next level of Scary Parent.

I totally, totally second the PP who said to really streamline -- reduce the number of baths (sub in a washcloth); meals can = yogurt and cereal; your DH might accept Lean Cuisine at 8 pm instead of fresh cooked? That sort of thing.

Lower your expectations.

[Anonymous]

The days I stay at home with my 1 kid, I feel exhausted at the end of the day so i cannot imagine dealing with 2 all day by yourself.

Could you get a babysit for one or a couple of hour a few days a week towards the end of the day?
Could you find a neighbor who would be happy to alternate keeping the kids for 1 hour at the end of the day? Time to read a newspaper and have a coffee.
Anything to give you some respite at the end of the day?

When I am all day with the kid, my husband gives the bath --a pleasant task-- so that I can relax at least 10 minutes before the bed time routine. I find that it makes all the difference in the world.

[Anonymous]

I just wanted to give you my sympathy. For me, lack of sleep is a big trigger for shouting -- loud. Then I really hate myself for it. I find it easy to let my kids watch tv or play after dinner but when things get hairy several days in a row, I know it's time to make a point of getting bath/bedtime done early so that I'm not so frazzled by that time and already wishing the day was over, and so that I get enough sleep to make getting out the door in the morning less unpleasant. Sleep is huge. Good luck. You sound like a good mother for taking this seriously.

[Anonymous]

I am where you are, PP. Is your 3 yo in a preschool? That helps, I've got to say! Once I put my first in school, I realized how nice it was to have time to myself.

Now that I have 2 of them (4 yo and 9 mo), when the first is in school, I take the little one for a walk to clear my head or when he naps I do a bit of exercise to calm my nerves.

Much of what you're experiencing comes from having no "me time."

And FWIW, I am a yeller - always have been - and I come from a family of yellers.

[Anonymous]

Put a small jar on your counter and get some marbles. Every time you yell or do something you shouldn't have or are ashamed of, put a marble in the jar. Tell your spouse and kids (yes, they're probably too young to understand now, but keep doing this and they will learn) that every time mommy gets frustrated and yells (or whatever), a marble will go into the jar, and eventually mommy will have to apologize and make it up to them.

This will help you remember not to yell. Make sure you put the jar somewhere you will see it most of the day.

Hopefully the jar never fills up, but if it does, then you have to do something to apologize to your kids. First, you must say out loud to them "I am sorry I...." Then, you can take them outside to play, make their favorite food or whatever you want. I think it works better with older kids, but if you are recovering/reformed yeller like me, then you may need this jar for many years to come. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I've worked for such mom.

She hired me to help with the afternoon/late evening routine.

She needed some time for herself and some personal time with the older child.

It worked perfectly!!!

She had more energy and patience to deal with the routine and could even take some rest.

have you thought about finding another pair of hands?

[Anonymous]

Oh, OP, I'm with you. I HATE the time between dinner and bed. Even before kids, it was never my best time. If I'm going to scream, it is almost always at the end of the day. But, I grew up with a screaming mom and it was very detrimental to my emotional health, so I got a book that I highly recommend - Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline. It starts out by showing you how to take care of yourself first and then how to apply those lessons to kids. It's really wonderful and filled with exact how-tos (I think one situation she deals with is bath time - or how to get the kid in/out of bath without losing your freakin' mind). She really goes through kids developmental capabilities and the accompanying behaviors you're likely to experience. Also, you're only human and will make mistakes. Just try to model appropriate apologies/self-reflection ("I'm sorry sweetheart for yelling last night. Grown-ups shouldn't yell. I was tired and I took it out on you and I'm sorry. I'll try harder next time.").

Good luck!