I just don't know anymore
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Anonymous
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My husband was laid off. We moved several, well, more than several, hours away to a very small town when he found a job there. It’s been nothing but culture shock since we got here. I grew up in DC and now live in a town of about 15,000 people. I am a consultant and my employer was gracious enough to let me keep my job and work remotely which has helped a lot with the bills but it’s been a tough adjustment. We now have a four month old son, who clearly was planned before DH lost his job. Obviously all of his has been stressful.
In the middle of this he decided he wanted to join the Army Reserve. No, he did not consult with me. Who does that? I think he is away more than he is home and I feel like that’s my fault. Right now he is gone for three weeks of training and would like to volunteer for a deployment. I feel like I don’t know him anymore. I am scared I don’t love him anymore. This isn't about finances. I guess it's just mourning the life we used to have, on all fronts. My life now consists of working alone, raising a child alone, and for the most part, living alone. Has anyone gotten past these kind of changes and moved on? How did you do it? |
Anonymous
| What does your husband say when you talk to him about this? Does he acknowledge that he made a huge life decision for both of you unilaterally? Whether i thought this was something my marriage could recover from would depend on whether he acknowledged his role in this, and the situation he'd put me in. |
Anonymous
| We have talked a bit. He just says he did what was best for us. It was definitely best for him but I am not sure if it was best for us as a family. Or couple. Maybe it was. It's not just the decisions that were made but I feel so adrift and alone in this new life. I think I need to reinvent myself and us but don't know how. |
Anonymous
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Individual counseling for you might be a good idea to help you through this period, whatever the outcome. I'd also recommend marriage counseling (because deciding what's in the best interest of the family without consulting you, and then taking no responsibility for his role in your current unhappiness, is very uncool), but it doesn't sound like he plans to be around enough for that to be productive.
In all honesty, I think I'd try to find a way to move to a location more palatable to you. First, so that you'll be in a place with more outlets for you to find your own way in this. Second, because if the marriage does end, you don't want to risk being trapped in an area you hate due to custody/visitation issues. |
Anonymous
| Wow, joining the. Ilitary without consulting you??? That is NOT ok. |
Anonymous
One person can't make a decision that's best for an "us" -- by definition. You both need counseling. It's not a marriage when one person is making significant life decisions for the other adult partner without consulting. You need some time to think about how you feel about "volunteering for deployment". In some ways, as unpalatable as it seems, deployment may give you the ability to have full custody of your child and to move back to the town you were in before where you probably have more support and better economic/employment possibilities. You also need to consult an attorney (in addition to a therapist), privately just for an hour or two. Run your scenario by the attorney and ask what is likely to happen if your husband deploys and you file for divorce while he is on deployment -- who gets custody? how much child support can you expect? would you be able to move back to your prior town of residence, etc. For me, the absolute worst case scenario would be being stuck in a town I didn't choose, doing a job long distance and raising a child solo. |
Anonymous
OP, please take this post to heart. Yes to the therapist and yes to the attorney. No one goes and enlists for military service without discussing it with their spouse. What made him think he could do that? It's time for you to step up and take charge here. Get into counseling. Now. |
Anonymous
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I should clarify, neither one of us believe in divorce. Well, who knows about him now but I still do not. So I won't be filing. I want to work on it but do not know if there is anything left.
Counseling. There is nothing in our town. I'd have to drive 45 minutes. I cannot get an evening appointment so my option is during working hours. Maybe I am unreasonable but I am afraid of losing my job, my last part of my old life. I haven't down counseling yet because of that. Any advice about that fear? Do mid-life crisis really happen? Is that this is or are we just falling out of love? |
Anonymous
| I will definitely see an attorney in town if nothing else to talk about my options if he jumps ship. |
Anonymous
It could be a mid-life crisis. It could be that he's not emotionally invested in you anymore. It could be that he's just a really selfish, self-centered person, and you're only seeing it now because you've let yourself be put in this really isolated situation where he's the only one you have to rely on. |
Anonymous
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Few questions:
1) Doesn't seem cool that he just up and joined the NG without telling you. With that said, have you gotten mail, forms, etc., from the NG? I think a NG wife could tell you if they have to sign forms regarding childcare, benefits, etc. 2) What led him to pick this random town several hours from DC? Was it the only place he could get hired (as in he was sending resumes everywhere and this one bit? If that's really the case, please be thankful that (1) your husband has a job too and (2) you are able to keep on working. I have a hard time believing a town of 15k people, especially if it's a regional center, has NO mental health capability, but I don't know fully what's going on in the heartland heartland. With that said, if there's a smaller city of like 50-100k 45 minutes away with mental health and other amenities (cultural, etc.) it's within your rights to ask to move there provided everything else (schools, safety, etc.) work out. Now if your husband just (1) suddenly sprung Randomville, Random State, on you and (2) you haven't seen any forms, correspondence, info about his NG enlistement, I'm going to have to get paranoid here and say you need to make sure he isn't (1) having an affair and (2) frittering the household $$$ on this affair. |
Anonymous
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Joining the Reserves without consulting your spouse is bizarre and irresponsible, especially when you've got a young child. I'm surprised that the military actually took him. Three weeks is a long time to be left alone with an infant.
As a man, the only way I can even begin the comprehend such a decision is that he was so upset, and ashamed, about being unemployed that he just took some kind of "respectable" job, or maybe his age was getting close to the cut-off. That still doesn't justify it and OP has every right to be furious. |
Anonymous
This statement (bolded) is a red flag that you should see a therapist. He is CHOOSING to be away from you and your son. You don't own his choices. A therapist can help you see that and feel better about yourself. OP, I too am someone who takes marriage vows very seriously and couldn't imagine divorcing my DH. But. I still think you should talk to an attorney just so you know what the possibilities are, and they can probably give you some tips on safeguarding your family's financial assets while DH is going through such a tough time. |
Anonymous
| OP, are you sure he's really in the reserves? He doesn't need to ask your permission in a mother may I sort of way, but it seems like you'd be getting stuff from the military, you'd be counceled on what happened if he's deployed and you would have access to military support. Something doesn't seem right here. |
Anonymous
| PP, here, get your husband to get you a military dependent id card so you can go on base and get support that is entitled to you. If he won't or can't or whatever, then that boy isn't in the military. Demmand the ID card. |