Making time for kids? Study says quality trumps quantity

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG - you are all getting so hysterical. Obviously it's best for a very young infant to be with its mother in the beginning. If that can't happen for whatever reason THAT IS STILL OK. Your kid will still be fine. No one is trying to make you feel bad, but don't act like you didn't know that when you decided to stick them in daycare at 12 weeks old. It was your choice.

Good thing kids are resilient and most aren't damaged by their mental moms and/or childcare situation.

Um, read the thread. That's exactly what some people are trying to do. Do you routinely put "mother" in quotes?? Didn't think so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I would do anything and everything necessary to be with my kids during the early years. At least from 1-3. Daycare can kick in at 3. And yes, I have done it all: moved to a cheaper area, worked from home, cut expenses etc. etc. Being with my kids absolutely trumps making money. As long as we have enough we have enough. Love, care and time over all are important to a child's early development...being able to afford nice clothes, toys, vacations, camps etc. is not as important to a child's emotional well-being as is being with Mom.

I would never leave an infant in daycare. Never. I would never leave an under 2 year old in daycare. Never. I do judge people who leave their under 2s in daycare because there ALWAYS are other ways. We got by on very little money for a very long time because we changed our priorities. It's not a bad life - just different. So nobody can tell me "I HAD TO leave my 6 months old at daycare 8 hours a day because I HAD TO work." No. You just didn't look hard enough for other options.

You are really going to struggle if you ever start spending a lot of time with older children and teenagers and see how little SAHM parenting before age three has to do with their emotional health and well-being.

I stayed home for that period myself but I don't think it provided some magical properties.

Perhaps you didn't engage during those critical foundational years. There's no magic. You need to know what you're doing.

You really need to stop with the wishful thinking before it harms your children. My own SAHM thought and acted like you. It took a lot of therapy to undo. Having your mom's emotional self-worth entirely dependent on her perception of being a better mother to you than others is very damaging.

I'd like to think most of us are doing are best possible parenting. GL to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I would do anything and everything necessary to be with my kids during the early years. At least from 1-3. Daycare can kick in at 3. And yes, I have done it all: moved to a cheaper area, worked from home, cut expenses etc. etc. Being with my kids absolutely trumps making money. As long as we have enough we have enough. Love, care and time over all are important to a child's early development...being able to afford nice clothes, toys, vacations, camps etc. is not as important to a child's emotional well-being as is being with Mom.

I would never leave an infant in daycare. Never. I would never leave an under 2 year old in daycare. Never. I do judge people who leave their under 2s in daycare because there ALWAYS are other ways. We got by on very little money for a very long time because we changed our priorities. It's not a bad life - just different. So nobody can tell me "I HAD TO leave my 6 months old at daycare 8 hours a day because I HAD TO work." No. You just didn't look hard enough for other options.

You are really going to struggle if you ever start spending a lot of time with older children and teenagers and see how little SAHM parenting before age three has to do with their emotional health and well-being.

I stayed home for that period myself but I don't think it provided some magical properties.

Perhaps you didn't engage during those critical foundational years. There's no magic. You need to know what you're doing.

We get it. You use the term critical foundation years over and over - we know it's you, again and again. Babies are best cared for by a loving, kind, stable caregiver. None of those words could ever describe you. And youll raise a nasty daughter who will look for a man to be her plan and her MIL will hate her, as your DILs will hate you if you have boys. You're just an ugly, ugly person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I would do anything and everything necessary to be with my kids during the early years. At least from 1-3. Daycare can kick in at 3. And yes, I have done it all: moved to a cheaper area, worked from home, cut expenses etc. etc. Being with my kids absolutely trumps making money. As long as we have enough we have enough. Love, care and time over all are important to a child's early development...being able to afford nice clothes, toys, vacations, camps etc. is not as important to a child's emotional well-being as is being with Mom.

I would never leave an infant in daycare. Never. I would never leave an under 2 year old in daycare. Never. I do judge people who leave their under 2s in daycare because there ALWAYS are other ways. We got by on very little money for a very long time because we changed our priorities. It's not a bad life - just different. So nobody can tell me "I HAD TO leave my 6 months old at daycare 8 hours a day because I HAD TO work." No. You just didn't look hard enough for other options.

Single moms? Moms who are in professions where they can't take a break (surgery, academia) without significant repercussions? Parents where one person is deployed in the military? Parents who don't have trustworthy family nearby? These families all rely on daycare.

You have a very limited worldview. Very limited. FWIW, I am a (now tenured) professor in a STEM field who had my child in on-campus daycare. I nursed for 1.5 years, visited DC in daycare several times a day, and managed to have very successful career. I could not have taken time out of my field, because that is not how tenure works. A daycare was far better for DC and for me than a nanny, logistically and financially. Go ahead and blast me as a mom for having my 6 month old in daycare. But, you also probably believe that "math is hard" for girls....

These women are so far from understanding the demands of surgical rounds or academia that you might as well be speaking another language. They'll run the bake sale - you and your daughters run the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I would do anything and everything necessary to be with my kids during the early years. At least from 1-3. Daycare can kick in at 3. And yes, I have done it all: moved to a cheaper area, worked from home, cut expenses etc. etc. Being with my kids absolutely trumps making money. As long as we have enough we have enough. Love, care and time over all are important to a child's early development...being able to afford nice clothes, toys, vacations, camps etc. is not as important to a child's emotional well-being as is being with Mom.

I would never leave an infant in daycare. Never. I would never leave an under 2 year old in daycare. Never. I do judge people who leave their under 2s in daycare because there ALWAYS are other ways. We got by on very little money for a very long time because we changed our priorities. It's not a bad life - just different. So nobody can tell me "I HAD TO leave my 6 months old at daycare 8 hours a day because I HAD TO work." No. You just didn't look hard enough for other options.

Single moms? Moms who are in professions where they can't take a break (surgery, academia) without significant repercussions? Parents where one person is deployed in the military? Parents who don't have trustworthy family nearby? These families all rely on daycare.

You have a very limited worldview. Very limited. FWIW, I am a (now tenured) professor in a STEM field who had my child in on-campus daycare. I nursed for 1.5 years, visited DC in daycare several times a day, and managed to have very successful career. I could not have taken time out of my field, because that is not how tenure works. A daycare was far better for DC and for me than a nanny, logistically and financially. Go ahead and blast me as a mom for having my 6 month old in daycare. But, you also probably believe that "math is hard" for girls....

These women are so far from understanding the demands of surgical rounds or academia that you might as well be speaking another language. They'll run the bake sale - you and your daughters run the world.

It's pretty sad that you need to say that to make yourself feel better about yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I would do anything and everything necessary to be with my kids during the early years. At least from 1-3. Daycare can kick in at 3. And yes, I have done it all: moved to a cheaper area, worked from home, cut expenses etc. etc. Being with my kids absolutely trumps making money. As long as we have enough we have enough. Love, care and time over all are important to a child's early development...being able to afford nice clothes, toys, vacations, camps etc. is not as important to a child's emotional well-being as is being with Mom.

I would never leave an infant in daycare. Never. I would never leave an under 2 year old in daycare. Never. I do judge people who leave their under 2s in daycare because there ALWAYS are other ways. We got by on very little money for a very long time because we changed our priorities. It's not a bad life - just different. So nobody can tell me "I HAD TO leave my 6 months old at daycare 8 hours a day because I HAD TO work." No. You just didn't look hard enough for other options.

Single moms? Moms who are in professions where they can't take a break (surgery, academia) without significant repercussions? Parents where one person is deployed in the military? Parents who don't have trustworthy family nearby? These families all rely on daycare.

You have a very limited worldview. Very limited. FWIW, I am a (now tenured) professor in a STEM field who had my child in on-campus daycare. I nursed for 1.5 years, visited DC in daycare several times a day, and managed to have very successful career. I could not have taken time out of my field, because that is not how tenure works. A daycare was far better for DC and for me than a nanny, logistically and financially. Go ahead and blast me as a mom for having my 6 month old in daycare. But, you also probably believe that "math is hard" for girls....

These women are so far from understanding the demands of surgical rounds or academia that you might as well be speaking another language. They'll run the bake sale - you and your daughters run the world.

It's pretty sad that you need to say that to make yourself feel better about yourself.

Thanks for making pp's point. Allow myself to introduce .... Myself.

[Anonymous]

God these wars are getting more and more ridiculous, just say sahm-wohm and bam! I predicted 78 pages in that other thread..I think we almost reached that. Maybe 54 in this one? Fight away...
Wohm-you don't raise your kids
SAHMS-you just suck off your men
Go ladies go, make dcum proud

[Anonymous]

btw..) about allomthering ..."Allomothering care may not always be beneficial. In some cases "aunting-to-death" has been reported where females withhold an infant from their mother until the point where the infant dies. In other cases infants may be kidnapped and receive life-threatening bites or hits from an alloparent. Mothers are often restrictive of allomothers attempts to touch or handle their infants in species where the risk of injury or death is high (e.g. resident-nepotistic Cercopithecine species like Japanese macaques)".
before you go all gung ho in advocating it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:btw..) about allomthering ..."Allomothering care may not always be beneficial. In some cases "aunting-to-death" has been reported where females withhold an infant from their mother until the point where the infant dies. In other cases infants may be kidnapped and receive life-threatening bites or hits from an alloparent. Mothers are often restrictive of allomothers attempts to touch or handle their infants in species where the risk of injury or death is high (e.g. resident-nepotistic Cercopithecine species like Japanese macaques)".
before you go all gung ho in advocating it

[Anonymous]

I'd like the Moms here who went back to work when their babies were 6 months or younger to tell me honestly: Do you think your child was just as well being in daycare compared to being with you?

[Anonymous]

I've done both. Both have benefits and detriments. I was better than daycare in some aspects, not as good in others. Years later you could not pick out which of my children started daycare at six months and which didn't. I loved staying home and daycare was hard on me, but my children were fine.

Focus your efforts on learning and practicing kindness. That's what your children need. Children are absolutely not resilient in the face of parental cruelty, regardless of working or not working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've done both. Both have benefits and detriments. I was better than daycare in some aspects, not as good in others. Years later you could not pick out which of my children started daycare at six months and which didn't. I loved staying home and daycare was hard on me, but my children were fine.

Focus your efforts on learning and practicing kindness. That's what your children need. Children are absolutely not resilient in the face of parental cruelty, regardless of working or not working.

Ding ding ding. I really really hope that the women being mean on here are merely taking out their frustration on the DCUM board and not being mean to their kids too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

See, I've had exactly the opposite thought. When the daughters of all gheae these WOHMs grow up, they're not even going to consider SAH with their kids because their mothers will have ingrained in them, from Day 1, that successful women simply don't stay home with their kids. Instead, they pay other women (lesser beings, in their books), to do the actual childcare. And that is so sad, that these women will never have the support of their own mothers to raise their kids the way they choose, if that way includes staying home with them.

As a SAHM, I'm planning on supporting my daughter in any way I can, whether she chooses to be a WOHM or a SAHM, or any combination of the two. But I'll absolutely be teaching (and showing) her the value and importance of having a SAHP.

What a weird thing to say. Why would you think that? So suddenly WOHMs aren't capable of supporting their children's decisions as much as SAHMs are?

Also, be careful what you say around your kids now about other working parents. My mom was a SAHM and absolutely supported my sisters and I in our endeavors- encouraged us to do well in school, go to college, be whatever we wanted to be. But she could also be critical about my friends' parents who worked, and she would say so around us. Now I'm a working mom, and she's never criticized me to my face about it, but do you think I don't remember what she used to say and wonder if she silently disapproves?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is hilarious. If someone had told me a week ago that there are actually a substantial number of SAHMs who think I love my kid less than they do because I work full time, I would have called her insane and told her that there's no way so many people are that judgmental and sanctimonious. I guess you really do learn something new every day!

I don't question if you love your kid.

The problem is:
How does your kid FEEL loved?
"My mommy can buy me more toys"?

Most SMART kids quickly see through that.

Oh yeah, I work merely to buy my kids more toys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

See, I've had exactly the opposite thought. When the daughters of all gheae these WOHMs grow up, they're not even going to consider SAH with their kids because their mothers will have ingrained in them, from Day 1, that successful women simply don't stay home with their kids. Instead, they pay other women (lesser beings, in their books), to do the actual childcare. And that is so sad, that these women will never have the support of their own mothers to raise their kids the way they choose, if that way includes staying home with them.

As a SAHM, I'm planning on supporting my daughter in any way I can, whether she chooses to be a WOHM or a SAHM, or any combination of the two. But I'll absolutely be teaching (and showing) her the value and importance of having a SAHP.

What a weird thing to say. Why would you think that? So suddenly WOHMs aren't capable of supporting their children's decisions as much as SAHMs are?

Also, be careful what you say around your kids now about other working parents. My mom was a SAHM and absolutely supported my sisters and I in our endeavors- encouraged us to do well in school, go to college, be whatever we wanted to be. But she could also be critical about my friends' parents who worked, and she would say so around us. Now I'm a working mom, and she's never criticized me to my face about it, but do you think I don't remember what she used to say and wonder if she silently disapproves?

And why does your mother have to approve of the way you raise your kids? She's an adult, she has a right to her own point of view. So do you. If you disagree, you disagree. She's not required to agree with your every decision as a parent just because she's your mother. As long as she doesn't openly criticize you and tell you what you should be doing she is doing exactly the right thing. We all try to raise our children a certain way, engrain certain values in them etc. - your Mom thought it was important you know she believes it's best for kids to have their mother around. That's not a bad thing. It's not what you are living today but that doesn't mean your Mom was wrong. It also doesn't mean she was right. It just means that is her value and she wanted her kids to know that. Which is exactly what you are doing now by being a working Mom you are teaching YOUR kids that that is okay.