My values are out of whack and I have envy. Damn

[Anonymous]

Our DC family is in the full throes of the dismal economy. We have financial problems and have had to cut back severely for almost a year now. This has meant going without things and especially experiences that have brought sincere joy to me, DH and the kids over the years. I miss those experiences very much and I am moderately depressed when I think that realistically, we won't experience those things any time in the near future. Could be years. Realistically, it will be years.

I am studiously avoiding giving hints as to our current household income and lifestyle vs. our past income and lifestyle because I think it's a little beside the point. In other words, I might be missing weekly family trips to mall food court for an ice cream cone, or I might be missing summer-long trips to Nantucket, but the feeling of loss that I'm having would be the same I think. I miss what was. That's all.

I am mad at myself and feel like a petulant child stamping her foot that she's not getting that new doll. Intellectually, I know that family, relationships and health are what's important. And my other ugly, common feeling is that it temporarily kills me to know that some similarly situated families (friends and neighbors) are feeling no financial pain at all. I know this for a fact. People we know well are going about their lives like they were in 2004, and this just drives home that we didn't win the lucky lotto number.

Please feel free to confirm that I am a shallow, morally bankrupt woman.

[Anonymous]

You're not alone. We're scared, too. We were always frugal and have cut back more, but how much can one do?

[Anonymous]

You're not but remember-life consists of change, and this too will change and pass. I've been in dire straights, while everyone around me seemed to be doing so well, but that too, passed. And just because it appears that others seem to have it all, you don't really know if they're living within their means, ie, not living off credit cards.

I feel rich because I have a husband who adores me and vice versa, a little boy I couldn't live without, a job that keeps my interest, a house I love, even though it's only 2000 sq. feet and a dog that greets me everyday as if she hasn't seen me in weeks. Oh-and we're all healthy, thank God. My best times are the weekends, when we don't shed our pajamas and lay around like a sack of potatoes. All the other stuff is just stuff.

[Anonymous]

The heart wants what the heart wants... you are not shallow or morally bankrupt. You are actually in mourning for what you have lost. To me, what you are feeling is akin to losing a past love- regardless of intangibility. Perhaps you are the victim of circumstance- or maybe of poor financial decisions- but either way, it doesn't mitigate the fact that you feel like a victim.

The key is to not allow it to make you bitter and that is where my concern for you lies... your comment about "similarly situated families" is irrelevant as their reality is not your reality. To your point, focus on health and not wealth (yes, easier said than done) but also be kind to yourself- and a little nicer too. You've suffered a trauma to your spirit and only time will repair the wound.

[Anonymous]

that sucks. i like to take dd out to starbucks to get a hot chocolate on the weekend or to rent a movie of her choice etc and i am scaling back on that stuff too.

if it makes you feel any better, it sounds like you have a good, solid family. i am a single mom and i would kill for a partner. and that is something money cannot buy....

[Anonymous]

I'm not trying to judge... I really am trying to help... so consider this:

If you or your spouse lost your job, that's one thing (hopefully temporary). But if your income has remained mostly the same, and you are having to cut back (be it an ice cream cone or a trip to Nantucket), I think that is a sign that you were living "beyond your means" (or at least too close to the edge). Everyong views this differently, but I have found a lot of peace and happiness by living comfortably BELOW my means. I think our income could get cut in half before we'd have to really rake in our expenses. That doesn't make me any better than you, and, for certain, even in this economy, we are all looking at expenses differently. And I know what it is like to "go without".

There IS an upside to all of this. Millions of people in this country find a way to be happy on about 10-20% of what many people live on in this city. When I was a child, my family (4 kids) was a steady middle-class family. We never went hungry. But when we vacationed (be it Disney World, or Paris) we did things economically. We ate cereal in our hotel room. The lesson I learned, was that yes, you really can have a GREAT vacation going to Disney World and staying at the Days Inn in Kissimee (instead of the on-site Polynesian Resort). It is absolutely a GIFT to give your child that independence.

After I had my first child, I was working long hours, and making a ton of money. When I finally had a break, we took him to Disney World. I only had 4 days I could take off, so we stayed at the Polynesian ($$$). Make no mistake, it was a LOVELY vacation. I'm glad I could do it. But as much as I value our vacations, I really felt like I needed to go on a few where we stayed in the Super 8. Travel is one of those things I derive so much joy from... I want to show my kids that yes you CAN do it on a shoestring, and have just as much fun.

Travel is one example, but as stressful as it is, when you can't have your ice cream or your trip to Nantucket, NOW is the time you will be forced to realize how much fun you can have for free. Yes, its different. Yes, you may still crave a scoop of Rocky Road from time to time... but you will find new and fun things to do with yourself and your kids. And when the economy gets better, you will realize how much better off your are for knowing how much fun you can have for free, and for having taught your kids the same.

Sorry, that sound terribly preachy... not my intent. I hope the finances get better,... but in the meantime, focus on the things that really make you happy, and do those things.

[Anonymous]

PLEASE OP, I hear you. As a former thoughtless spender, this is really a shocker to me. If I wanted, I got it. And it has not excessive, I was never a HUGE spender, but the important point is that I was a never a THINKER about money. Now.....geez. The budget is tight and I can get bitter! I CONSTANTLY remind myself of how it could be and all the important stuff BUT, when I see gorgeous shoes or a great purse, or (add anything here), but heart goes thud.

I know this buttoning down is good for the country and at least, good for me, but like any addict, the weaning is hard. HARD. I liked my stuff....still do.

[Anonymous]

couldn't have said it better myself 13:25. thanks!

[Anonymous]

OP -

EXCELLENT TOPIC !!!

I absolutely understand completely. Our family is probably one of the lowest family incomes on this board. Mom is a SAHM. I work for a small company making barely ends meat (an embarrasing low salary for this message board). We have used cars, live in a small house that needs repair but we can't afford any repair/upgrades. We take very few, if any vacations. We don't have cable TV, etc,... We try to enjoy life by finding free/low cost activities for ourselves & our children. It's tough because there are so many expenses that we have to pay for (mortgage, heat, insurance, medical, etc,...) We eat out about once or twice a week at McDonalds, BK, Chick Filet, etc,...

I am extremely envious of the families (mostly lawyers as I can tell) on the forum making a lot of money (say $250,000 - $1 million), who can afford to send their kids to private schools, have live in nanny, fancy cars, nice vacations, fancy home theatre, big gifts, housekeeper, manicures, pedicures, spa days, etc,... One thing that bothers me about some of these people is their attitude. This applies to some of these forum members as well as people we meet in real life. I better not meet these types of people in real life....

I've consider seriously seeing a counselor, who might be able help me with my "envious" issues. No kidding Seriously. Honest. No joke. I swear.


Sincerely,
The Dad

[Anonymous]

I don't have the heart to do what the OP asked (confirm what she already knows). I can only say, good luck to you and all the other thousands upon thousands upon thousands upon thousands of other people in your shoes (or worse) right now. If you want to help yourself get over the shallow-envy thing, you should try volunteer work, not because it will make you feel better off than the poor suckers you're helping, but because it's the most fantastic drug on the planet. And it's legal and free.

[Anonymous]

OP, a great book I can recommend: How to Want What You Have. It's by a psychologist whose name escapes me at the moment.

[Anonymous]

Dear OP,

I sympathize with your issue, but it is good to put it into perspective. My husband recently passed away and I am now a single mother who not only has to cut back on material goods, but greatly misses the emotional support and love my husband provided.

If I could cut my standard of living in half and get my husband back, I would gladly do so. Please try and focus on what is positive in your life. This is what I am trying to do with varying degrees of success. I know it is sometimes difficult, but things really could be a lot worse.

[Anonymous]

Thank you 14:35 for some perspective. While we all feel sorry for ourselves (myself included), your post made it clear that our families, not the things we do or buy, are what are most important

[Anonymous]

OP, you certainly aren't shallow. It is only human to compare yourself with others, and to want the things that they have.

If you were stranded on a desert island ala "Lost" you'd envy the people in the bamboo shelter next door for having extra mangoes.

Good ideas here on the forum and in this article:

http://www.boston.com/news/globe/magazine/articles/2007/03/11/dont_worry_be_happy

Don't wallow in the feeling, accept that you are human, do count your belssings and hold your family tight. Volunteering or donating to those less fortunate is a great way to feel less envy. Think about what other people are going through in your area and try to find a way to help them out directly if you can. Focus on people other than your family. In my opinion, is OK and completely human to feel envy, but not to act in a shallow self-absorbed manner.

Finally, some food for thought:

Here's the gist of something I heard in a Catholic church one day that has always stayed with me on this topic:

We are told to "love your neighbor as yourself" and that is usually interpreted to mean we should love those who are less fortunate than us. (Visit the sick and those in prison, and care for the poor.)

But this also means, and this is much harder to do -- love those who are better off than ourselves.

[Anonymous]

16:07, thanks. I really like that.