Young, socially awkward child: To redshirt or not to redshirt... that is the question

[Anonymous]

I'm quite certain that NO ONE here (least of all me) wants to rehash the relative merits/problems involved in redshirting children for kindergarten, but I'm now faced with that decision for my own son, and I'd very much like to hear from any other mothers out there (hopefully with similar children?) about what decision they made and how.

My son beats the cut off by 2 weeks, so if I send him to K in the fall, he will likely be THE youngest child in the class. This does not bother me (in isolation) one bit, but I mention it only because its hard for me to tell whether the things he struggles with are due to his age, or due to his personality.

He's very very bright, very articulate, and has good fine motor skills for a "younger" kid. He's less "athletic" than most of the other boys in his class (would probably finish last in a running race), but I think he's a reasonably athletic kid... but right now, the age difference is getting the better of him.

He is highly sensitive, which is both a blessing and a curse. In his current preschool environment, his teacher says he is very very easy to deal with. He listens, he has a great attention span, he's not "wild" like many boys, he's very quiet. The drawback is, I think all of the excitement stresses him, so when he comes home, he is truly exhausted and prone to meltdowns. When he's in his "safety zone" he's often a happy and gregarious kid, but he is prone to becoming very very upset about some relatively small things. (For example, when his 2yr old sister tells him "Tomorrow is Tuesday!", he'll get very upset because in fact it is Thursday).

The teacher has not made a recommendation to me yet on this issue, but did call me in December to say that she thinks there is a chance he will not be ready for Kindergarten next year. The reasons she cited are all social interaction based: he does not play with the other kids. the closest he gets is doing the same game next to them. He will participate in structured activities but usually needs a little coaxing from the teacher. I respect this particular teacher immensely, as she seems to be very very observant, and has picked up on a lot of aspects of my son's personality that even I hadn't noticed. She also has about 25 years of early education experience, and does not normally recommend redshirting as a matter of course.

He is "shy" for lack of a better word, and seems much more comfortable following the lead of someone else, rather than being the leader. This is true even with his bossy little sister, who frequently suggests "Let's play X" and is much more independent. I don't care that he's shy. I don't care that he's introverted (which I think he is). But the "following" behavior worries me a little because I've read that the age difference doesn't disappear as kids get older (although it certainly does at some point), and that younger teens are something like 3 times more likely to get into trouble (legal, drugs, etc.) than their older peers. This does worry me a bit, because I don't know if he'll ever be an assertive personality type, and I don't want him getting led down the wrong road like a lemming when he is in high school. I wonder if an extra year would help with that problem a little.

As for me, I have to say I think I am generally "anti" redshirting. When school started this past September, I knew this would be an issue, but I really had every intention of sending him to K next year. The teacher's phone call in December surprised me a little, but wasn't totally out of the blue, because I've seen him interacting (or failing to interact) with other kids for some time. So now I'm not so sure. My husband thinks he'll be bored if we hold him back. I don't worry about this too much, but I think there is some truth to it. I also think Dad's judgment is slightly clouded by a little bit of ego, i.e., if you hold him back, it means he has "failed".

As for me, I'm really on the fence. I think all of the reasons the preschool teacher cites are true... but I have some concern about how many of those things are due to age (and will be better in a year) and how much of it is just because he is who he is.

I've heard some people say, "hold him back,... what's the harm?" -- well, I think there is potential harm, but I don't know how much stock to put in it. For one, there is the boredom issue. Will he get bored? Second, I worry that he will feel funny, or like he has failed, when he repeats the 4-year-old preschool class next year. Talk about boredom, he may well be bored there. Some people have said he won't know he's repeating. Trust me, he will know. He's a very very observant little fellow, and he has already told me that he is in the 4 year old class, and next year he will go to K. We've tried our darndest not to talk about K with him, as we're still on the fence... but he knows anyway.

As for pushing him ahead... I worry about his self esteem... and down the road, I worry about his ability to make sound judgment calls. I think when you're desperately trying to fit in, it can make kids do stupid things they shouldn't. Knowing his father (who is a lovely man, but even at age 42, still socially awkward), I believe a certain level of awkwardness is in his blood. I don't care if he makes the football team (a reason I've heard several times for holding boys back), I don't care if he's the valedictorian, or the homecoming king, -- but I DO want him to have friends and not feel like an outsider. Its hard for me to gauge how much his current situation bothers him. When I ask him about school, he always tells me about all his friends he played with, and what they did. But the teacher is telling me that that really isn't an accurate representation of what is going on.

sorry for the long winded post. If anyone has faced this dilemma with a highly sensitive, shy, and/or introverted child -- I'd love to hear more about it.

[Anonymous]

When do you have to make this decision? If it's not immediate, I'd just watch him for the next several months in pre-K. Honestly, though, I'd be tempted to let him go onto kindergarten and see how it goes.

[Anonymous]

I would set aside your "should" voice and political considerations and do what's best for your child.

It appears, in your son's particular case, that having him go to Kindergarten when he is a year older would be by far the best option. Unless he is a "highly gifted" child on the far, far end of the bell curve, boredom will not likely be a troubling issue for him. His emotional and social maturity will be far more important factors in his educational success and the continued development of his positive self-esteem.

Sounds kind of like you're all up in your head about this, which makes it seem more complicated than he is

[Anonymous]

Hmmm. This is a really tough call. My child was/is a bit like yours ... socially immature, at least a year "behind" on leaving behind parallel play, otherwise bright and very ready and eager for more challenging work. I agree with you that he will indeed know that he is repeating pre-k, even if you have him do it at a different location although I don't think I would let that influence my decision too much.

In our case, we went ahead and let our boy go on to K knowing that the social interactions would be harder for him for a few years while he caught up to his peers. He is halfway through first grade now and that prediction has been accurate. BUT he loves school and is not nearly as aware of his social issues as we are. In fact, this lack of awareness has sheltered him from knowing about many playground issues and thus his feelings have not been hurt as often as we feared! I suspect every K class has more than one child in about the same situation regardless of the kids' ages. Select your K program carefully, and I bet all will be well. Especially since September is a very long ways off and your child will make amazing progress between now and then.

But you know what? There is no right answer here -- you will get lots of conflicting advice and you will probably second-guess yourself to death. Make your best effort and then support your child as needed no matter which way you go. Best wishes!

[Anonymous]

Another question to throw into the mix: do you think that your child is more likely to develop socially by taking another year with younger children, or by having older children as peers? If he is ready cognitively but behind socially, advancing could give him an opportunity to succeed at something, namely the school lessons and academics (such as they are at that ae and level) while he takes time to develop his emerging social sensibilities.

[Anonymous]

OP could have described our older child, even interaction with DC #2.

We opted to go ahead with K, and academically is has been more than fine. Socially, I think DC will always be sensitive and a little awkward, something that redshirting would not have solved.

[Anonymous]

We have a daughter who is an early October birthday, so we had to deal with this same issue. We moved her to another preschool with a "kindergarten" half-day program for a year. She then started kindergarten at her current school the year afterward. She is now in 8th grade, has never been bored, and is (if I might say so) one of the leaders --socially and intellectually-- in her class. In other words, we've never had any reason to doubt that "holding her back" was the right decision.

[Anonymous]

OP, you may as well have been writing about my DS. Like your son, our DS is not particularly social, a follower, shy and extremely sensitive. He is also bright so we had the same boredom concern. I have admittedly obsessed over this decision for several months now, but we have now officially made the decision to wait an extra year before going to kindergarten. Like you, I am not particularly concerned about him excelling in athletics, academics, popularity, etc., but I am hoping that by giving him an extra year, we will allow him to continue to develop his social skills and build self-confidence which he might not be able to do if he starts kindergarten on time in our local public school. Obviously, we won't know if this is the right decision for several years (if ever), but what really swayed us was the notion that no one ever seems to regret making the decision to wait a year. It's a very personal decision and one that has sparked a lot of debate on DCUM. I think you just need to go with your instincts. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

OP, your post is so thoughtful, and your son sounds a lot like mine (although mine misses the cut-off by a week, so we don't have to make this decision). I am generally anti-redshirting, too, but would obviously reconsider if a trusted teacher suggested that I reconsider. Still, I think 11:02 hits the nail on the head -- will spending more time with younger kids help him socially? I'd think not. And as 11:15 said, our kids are likely always going to be a little awkward socially, so holding them back when they're bright and otherwise ready for school won't necessarily solve anything.

I also think the fact that he's prone to meltdowns over small things is definitely part age and part personality. 3 an4 yos like order and being told that the world isn't the way they believe it should be (e.g., that it isn't Tuesday when they know that it is) can be a really big deal. On top of that, sensitive, observant kids are even more attached to these details, I think, because they notice everything and integrate it into their understanding of the world.

Finally, just because your child isn't an obvious leader doesn't mean he's a follower. Sure, at 4 he's willing to let a more bossy personality determine games and other activities. But that could simply mean that he's conflict averse and is figuring out how to pick his battles; it doesn't mean he has bad judgment and won't have the capacity to understand right and wrong as he gets older. If he's observant and sensitive, I'm guessing he's also cautious (at least if he's anything like my son); that sort of personality is the least likely to participate in risky activities, in my experience (my son gets his personality from me).

As other posters have said, you have to make the decision that feels right. I think you're going to second guess yourself no matter what you do, and I don't think there's an obvious right or wrong answer here. In that case, I think you have to go with your gut.

Good luck to you and your son.

[Anonymous]

Howdy, I'm yet another mom with a son who sounds exactly like your son. Exactly.

We decided to have him do another year of preschool but it is not technically a "repeat." It's a whole new curriculum, set of teachers.

Here is what I can report: DS has grown socially, which he probably would have in K too, right? He is more confident than he was last May. Again, that might have been true if he was in K this year. Who can really say if it's just growth per se, or being the oldest, or what.

Here is my caution: my DS is bored out of his mind with the curriculum. Like your son, DS is very very bright. He hates the books they read, or learning the letters, or being told there is something called a "President of the United States," etc.

I have a feeling this academic mismatch will continue for the next few years.

So in the end, I can't tell if this was the right thing or not. He HAS grown to have more leader qualities than he had within the class last year, but that could totally be offset by being an annoying know-it-all due to the slow-for-him curriculum.

[Anonymous]

OP, what about sending him to another preschool? That might help address issues about boredom, feeling like he's repeating something while his friends move on....

I didn't have to hold my child back, but I DID have to change her preschool from the one she had been in since infancy, to a new one for her last year of preschool. That is to say, when she was four I removed her from her long term school and sent her to another preschool.

It turned out to be a GREAT experience for her. She had to adapt to a new environment and make new friends. The new school was in the same city as our elementary school, so she got to know a few kids from her future kindergarten.

I really feel that going through this transition a year early helped her in dealing with the much HUGER issue of adapting to kindergarten a year later.

I noticed in the fall that there were a LOT of posts on here about "five year old suddenly acting up". I think kindergarten is an enormous transition for kids. No naps and a much tougher curriculum. If your son starts to learn about transitions now, but in a preschool setting which hopefully is not as demanding, maybe it will give him a leg up for next year?

Depending on where you are located I know of a great kindergarten-preparatory preschool (my term, not theirs) in NOVA.

[Anonymous]

How much flexibility does your future elementary school offer academically? Are there pull-outs for advanced kids, variations in the level of challenge offered within a class?

In other words, your child won't necessarily be bored academically if you redshirt him. That said, I agree with the posters who have recommended waiting and seeing and those who have said an extra year isn't necessarily going to make the social awkardness go away.

Does your son ever have kids from his class over to play? How does he do then? I am the parent of a social butterfly and an introvert. The introvert has kids he likes to play with, but he is also happy to play by himself. His older brother is much more inclined to go along with other kids for the sake of having someone to play with. I am hoping he's developing enough of a sense of self and morality that he won't get into to trouble as a teenager (well, no more than necessary). The introvert, on the other hand, isn't going to put up with crap just to get to hang around with people, because he's not especially interested in that anyway.

[Anonymous]

Well 2 weeks is not that much so you really could go either way. I think redshirting really applies to kids who are months or even up to a year within the cut off. From your description, it sounds as if he would do fine academically. Schools usually push for red shirting if the child is less able to sit and listen to the teacher, especially if the class is large. This doesn't sound like your son.

My DH is/was brilliant but somewhat socially introverted while I am more extroverted. There are many shy, introverted math and science types who IMO don't get valued as much as the extroverted, athletes. IMO being sensitive and shy shouldn't be viewed as a negative at all. There seems to be a conflation that shyness equals social immaturity which I'm not sure is true. Its also not always a guarantee that the youngest and shyest kid will be the least popular or always sociall awkward.

Interesting that you mentioned your son will talk about his friends but the teacher feels he is not interacting. DH will carry on a very short conversation with someone and his mind he had a really involved conversation One good note is that introverted kids are usually not the followers. The kids that thrive on interaction from each other are probably more apt to join the crowd whether it is a good idea or not.

Could you talk with the teachers and see how they manage children who are still developing their social skills or kids that are more introverted? Does your school offer programs that he might be interested in doing? Perhaps the teacher could connect you with some of the moms of shy boys in her existing class. You could ask them about their experiences. Honestly, I would avoid listening to anyone who feels strongly against or for red-shirting, especially moms who decided to red shirt their own kids. People are so crazy about defending their choices you will probably get a scewed perspective.

One option other than holding him back may be to look at a Montessori program for K. They have mixed ages and it would be new so you wouldn't feel as if he was repeating pre-K.

If you do go for K, perhaps you could connect early on with some other moms and set up more playdates so he has a stronger connection with some of the other kids. You could also try new activities that may interest him and connect him with other kids more.

Good luck with whichever way you decide to go.

[Anonymous]

I find this thread very interesting but I have no answers. I also have an August birthday son who just barely makes the cutoff for K next year. In some ways my situation is the opposite of yours -- my son is very outgoing and physical (exuberant to put a polite spin on it), highly social, and a leader at school. But his reactions to things often seem too wild, too passionate, too over-the-top; he has more trouble self-regulating, it seems to me, than the other children. But in a way it's the same question you're asking, which is, are these personality characteristics which he will carry with him through life, and which time will temper but not change, or are these issues of immaturity which he may lose in a couple of years, if we can just wait it out?

I don't know.

My son's temperament closely resembles my husband's, like yours. Interestingly my husband was also born close to what was then the cutoff, and his parents sent him to school with his year. Looking through the scrapbook his mom made with his report cards, he had a lot of behavioral issues in early elementary school but they cleared up and he was very happy and successful in middle school. He fell apart again in high school but turned it around by junior year. He is a totally fine, successful, kind adult today. He says he never minded being young but he was always aware of it.

[Anonymous]

A friend who is a high school teacher told me she thinks a lot of boys ought to be redshirted, based on what she sees in high school. Some of the boys are so much more immature and socially inept than the girls that they suffer in high school, she told me.

We have two August birthdays, and we sent one to K and held the other back for a year because DC was not socially ready, although he is very bright and was more than ready intellectually. We moved him to another preschool, one that has a very flexible, yet non-academic curriculum. He was not bored at all. They have a theme each year, and his year it was all about our Earth. He learned about weather and the solar system, plants and animals, continents, maps, other cultures. The kids who weren't reading had fun absorbing it all, and he read books and learned as much as he wanted about each subject -- the sky was the limit. It was a great year for him.

I do not for a moment regret waiting a year. His school is able to challenge him academically, while emotionally, he's with his peers, who are mostly a year younger than he.