Letting go of feeling robbed after divorce

[Anonymous]

Anyone here relate to the feeling that divorce, while you made a conscious decision to go through with it was never really a "choice."

For me, my ex essentially did nothing and lied about many other things for years. I'm upset that it feels like he robbed me of having a cohesive family. I know it's not logical since I left, but it feels like I had no choice. I would not have chosen this life, ever. He sure had me fooled from the beginning.

[Anonymous]

BTDT. It passes if you let it. Therapy helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:BTDT. It passes if you let it. Therapy helps.

Thanks, good to know I'm not the only one. How long after separation did you feel it wasn't so bad.

[Anonymous]

I really went through this for a few years and then I just didn't have the energy for it anymore. I think its completely normal to feel this way. Today, one would expect me to hate my ex after everything that happened, but I honestly love him again. Even when he's not being kind in return. I am thankful for the good things that came from that relationship, (our child, life lessons i needed to learn, experiencing love). I forgive him and I love my life again. He moved on to another relationship soon after the breakup, which made me wonder for the a long time if he ever really cared.

I think this is a perfect time to figure out what you could have done better. For me, it was to value myself. To trust my gut. That guilt isn't a good enough reason to stay with someone. To speak up when my feelings were hurt and be vulnerable. That being vulnerable is showing strength, not a weakness. To forgive and/or move on faster. That I am strong enough to handle another relationship/marriage and still give it my all.

I believe my ex was one of the best things that ever happened to me and the next man will benefit from what I learned. I truly believe that, which is why I love the guy. And trust me, this is a guy who likes to portray me as the crazy ex. I used to be concerned about him trashing my reputation with his family, friends and SO, but I realized that its just insecurity on his part. Without him, I would still care way too much about what other people thought of me. I had to hit rock bottom to get to the point where I just didn't care anymore, but its so freeing.

I wish you the best, OP, and hope that you will open yourself to love again when you're ready.

[Anonymous]

I feel robbed of my thirties and then some, and financially robbed. He was a deadbeat loser in hindsight, and because I kept trying to make it work for years, I end up paying him way too much alimony for too many years. Getting ready to sign separation agreement this week, and he's making further demands and threats that could royally screw me more.

I need the strength to get thru this week and the next month, when he's to move out. Please, please can we get this signed so I can try and move on? What a HUGE mistake this whole marriage was......did I mention he'll pay no child support and asked for one week per year w kids?

At least he's moving out if state when he goes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel robbed of my thirties and then some, and financially robbed. He was a deadbeat loser in hindsight, and because I kept trying to make it work for years, I end up paying him way too much alimony for too many years. Getting ready to sign separation agreement this week, and he's making further demands and threats that could royally screw me more.

I need the strength to get thru this week and the next month, when he's to move out. Please, please can we get this signed so I can try and move on? What a HUGE mistake this whole marriage was......did I mention he'll pay no child support and asked for one week per year w kids?

At least he's moving out if state when he goes.

What? Do not sign that agreement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really went through this for a few years and then I just didn't have the energy for it anymore. I think its completely normal to feel this way. Today, one would expect me to hate my ex after everything that happened, but I honestly love him again. Even when he's not being kind in return. I am thankful for the good things that came from that relationship, (our child, life lessons i needed to learn, experiencing love). I forgive him and I love my life again. He moved on to another relationship soon after the breakup, which made me wonder for the a long time if he ever really cared.

I think this is a perfect time to figure out what you could have done better. For me, it was to value myself. To trust my gut. That guilt isn't a good enough reason to stay with someone. To speak up when my feelings were hurt and be vulnerable. That being vulnerable is showing strength, not a weakness. To forgive and/or move on faster. That I am strong enough to handle another relationship/marriage and still give it my all.

I believe my ex was one of the best things that ever happened to me and the next man will benefit from what I learned. I truly believe that, which is why I love the guy. And trust me, this is a guy who likes to portray me as the crazy ex. I used to be concerned about him trashing my reputation with his family, friends and SO, but I realized that its just insecurity on his part. Without him, I would still care way too much about what other people thought of me. I had to hit rock bottom to get to the point where I just didn't care anymore, but its so freeing.

I wish you the best, OP, and hope that you will open yourself to love again when you're ready.

The world would be a better place if your wisdom and self-compassion could be shared. I mean that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really went through this for a few years and then I just didn't have the energy for it anymore. I think its completely normal to feel this way. Today, one would expect me to hate my ex after everything that happened, but I honestly love him again. Even when he's not being kind in return. I am thankful for the good things that came from that relationship, (our child, life lessons i needed to learn, experiencing love). I forgive him and I love my life again. He moved on to another relationship soon after the breakup, which made me wonder for the a long time if he ever really cared.

I think this is a perfect time to figure out what you could have done better. For me, it was to value myself. To trust my gut. That guilt isn't a good enough reason to stay with someone. To speak up when my feelings were hurt and be vulnerable. That being vulnerable is showing strength, not a weakness. To forgive and/or move on faster. That I am strong enough to handle another relationship/marriage and still give it my all.

I believe my ex was one of the best things that ever happened to me and the next man will benefit from what I learned. I truly believe that, which is why I love the guy. And trust me, this is a guy who likes to portray me as the crazy ex. I used to be concerned about him trashing my reputation with his family, friends and SO, but I realized that its just insecurity on his part. Without him, I would still care way too much about what other people thought of me. I had to hit rock bottom to get to the point where I just didn't care anymore, but its so freeing.

I wish you the best, OP, and hope that you will open yourself to love again when you're ready.

The world would be a better place if your wisdom and self-compassion could be shared. I mean that.

Agree. I was just thinking this as I read the original post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really went through this for a few years and then I just didn't have the energy for it anymore. I think its completely normal to feel this way. Today, one would expect me to hate my ex after everything that happened, but I honestly love him again. Even when he's not being kind in return. I am thankful for the good things that came from that relationship, (our child, life lessons i needed to learn, experiencing love). I forgive him and I love my life again. He moved on to another relationship soon after the breakup, which made me wonder for the a long time if he ever really cared.

I think this is a perfect time to figure out what you could have done better. For me, it was to value myself. To trust my gut. That guilt isn't a good enough reason to stay with someone. To speak up when my feelings were hurt and be vulnerable. That being vulnerable is showing strength, not a weakness. To forgive and/or move on faster. That I am strong enough to handle another relationship/marriage and still give it my all.

I believe my ex was one of the best things that ever happened to me and the next man will benefit from what I learned. I truly believe that, which is why I love the guy. And trust me, this is a guy who likes to portray me as the crazy ex. I used to be concerned about him trashing my reputation with his family, friends and SO, but I realized that its just insecurity on his part. Without him, I would still care way too much about what other people thought of me. I had to hit rock bottom to get to the point where I just didn't care anymore, but its so freeing.

I wish you the best, OP, and hope that you will open yourself to love again when you're ready.

Thank you PP. From one "crazy ex" to another, your post is very touching. I did love my ex and, like yours, he moved on quickly (within one week of separation no joke) then bad mouthed me to everyone from family to former employers. I've kept my distance emotionally but I'm not yet in the place where I can feel love for someone that hurt me so badly.

[Anonymous]

Takes two to Tango

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Takes two to Tango

That's why we're divorced. No 2, no tango

[Anonymous]

More like I was cheated by a con artist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:BTDT. It passes if you let it. Therapy helps.

Thanks, good to know I'm not the only one. How long after separation did you feel it wasn't so bad.

A couple years to get past the worst. I spent that time reconfiguring things so that the kids and I were living a life closer to my values. I had lingering resentment for 5 more years due to post-divorce custody issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel robbed of my thirties and then some, and financially robbed. He was a deadbeat loser in hindsight, and because I kept trying to make it work for years, I end up paying him way too much alimony for too many years. Getting ready to sign separation agreement this week, and he's making further demands and threats that could royally screw me more.

I need the strength to get thru this week and the next month, when he's to move out. Please, please can we get this signed so I can try and move on? What a HUGE mistake this whole marriage was......did I mention he'll pay no child support and asked for one week per year w kids?

At least he's moving out if state when he goes.

What? Do not sign that agreement.

No CS and a-hole gets only only 1 week with the kids is a great compromise if he's really this toxic.

The problem with the current custody climate is that the most likely way he'll pay no CS is 50/50 custody. Spare yourself and the kids. CS can always be requested at a later date if you need it. It is much harder to get the courts to reduce time with a toxic parent.

Before all the men's rights crowd chimes in, please note that I said toxic parent, not specifying any gender. Women can be toxic parents, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel robbed of my thirties and then some, and financially robbed. He was a deadbeat loser in hindsight, and because I kept trying to make it work for years, I end up paying him way too much alimony for too many years. Getting ready to sign separation agreement this week, and he's making further demands and threats that could royally screw me more.

I need the strength to get thru this week and the next month, when he's to move out. Please, please can we get this signed so I can try and move on? What a HUGE mistake this whole marriage was......did I mention he'll pay no child support and asked for one week per year w kids?

At least he's moving out if state when he goes.

What? Do not sign that agreement.

+1! Child support is an absolute requirement. You can still get it. It's your kids' right. Go to your lawyer and demand a hearing.