Best Friend asked for help and now won't speak to me...

[Anonymous]

I am not sure this is the right forum because it is not a romantic relationship, but my best friend, mother of my god-child who I have known for a long time has been struggling a lot recently. As long as I have known her she has used alcohol as a way to cope with stress. Her only child is about to turn 4, she had really gotten her life together but over the last year she has started to go downhill again. She calls me in the early evenings, slurring her speech and talking about how she cannot cope with her child and the constant responsibility. She admits to hiding in the bathroom from her son to get a break. And she also admits to throwing things at her husbands head in anger. She lost a baby very early in the pregnancy at the end of last year, and while drinking wasn't automatically the cause she was very drunk during the early parts of that pregnancy and crying to me about how she wasn't ready to get clean.

At this point we haven't had a conversation in the last six months were she remembers anything I have said (can't make plans, can't really share anything with her that she will retain...)

So two nights ago, she drunkenly admits that that piece on the Today show about moms drinking had her concerned, and I say that I share her concerns and tried talking to her about some steps she could look into taking and that no matter what I was there to support her. Well she escalated from being self-deprecating to being extremely defensive and by the time she had sobered the next day she came at me saying I was calling her a bad mom, and a bad friend.

Thing is, I don't think she is a bad mom, and I know for a fact that she is capable of being a good friend and I never meant to judge or attack her- just shared my concerns and said don't you deserve to feel better?

It really felt like she was asking me for help and when I tried she got very defensive and I think I have lost what was at one point in my life a important friendship.

Should I leave her alone and let her be mad or try reaching out again?

[Anonymous]

I would leave it alone. She's coming to grips with her alcohol issues so it's not surprising that she got defensive. Of course, it doesn't make her a bad person, it's a disease. My guess is that she'll come around, but it might be a while and it will be difficult. You were being a good friend, OP.

[Anonymous]

She is abusive. That is a problem. Her husband needs to make sure that he and the kids are protected until she is willing to get help.

[Anonymous]

it's the disease!

Maybe it's time for an intervention?

[Anonymous]

You should look into alanon

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is abusive. That is a problem. Her husband needs to make sure that he and the kids are protected until she is willing to get help.

Also, drinking while pregnant? How horrible. She is destroying her own child's brain and the quality of their life. Horrible thing to do!!

[Anonymous]

It's called denial and it's part of alcoholism. Your choice now is to re-engage in denial with her, if you choose.

You can say to her: Look, I meant what I said. If you choose not to talk about it with me again, that's your choice, but what I said about your drinking, I meant.

You can be true to yourself. I think it's also important not to enable her to maintain denial -- "Larla agrees that I'm not an alcoholic." Make a clear statement that you are still her friend but you are not taking back what you said.

[Anonymous]

Lots of good advice here. Try a few Al-Anon meetings to get a sense of how others have handled this. The reality is that she is an addict and you told her as much. She has to come to accept that on her own and until she does there's not much you can do.

You're losing your friend and that's hard to accept. I hope for her sake and her family's sake that she comes to her senses but there is a reason they call alcoholism cunning, baffling, and powerful. Sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

I had something remarkably similar with my friend of nearly 30 years. I flew out to talk to him about his drinking. He was drunk the whole time I was there and doesn't remember our chats.

I kept calling to catch him sober and started dropping little bits of information to say that I was concerned. After a couple of weeks, I just laid it all out. I told him he was terrible mean and violent when he was drunk and he's spiraled out of control in the last year. He agreed and we talked about health insurance and rehab, then he wouldn't talk to me.

I texted him a week or so later to say that I said those things because I love him and want to support him, but it is his choice to seek treatment. We're back to denying it all. I'll bring it up again, but I know I can't make him want to go into rehab.

It's so hard to watch someone you care about go through this.

[Anonymous]

Terribly*

[Anonymous]

Thanks everyone, I appreciate the advice.