sister in law resents everything her brother and I have

[Anonymous]

I used to be close to my sister in law (husband's sister) until my husband and I got married. Sister in law is older than my husband, single and likely to remain that way. (She was in a relationship when husband and I started dating almost 10 years ago but it ended shortly thereafter and she hasn't been in a relationship since.) Everything was fine until husband and I decided to get married. She couldn't even pretend to be excited about the wedding, so we didn't talk to her about it too much. Then she got mad that we didn't include her in the planning enough. Then the reading we asked her to do wasn't long enough. Then she was upset that we were only going to have our parents give toasts at the wedding. The whole thing put a bit of a damper on our relationship. Fast forward to the birth of our kid. Again, sister in law can barely eek out a congratulations when we tell her I'm pregnant. She doesn't seem very excited when she meets the kid for the first time and over the past two years has been visibly irritated when her parents fawn over their grandkid. Understandably, this all bothered my husband much more than the wedding stuff. In any event, this had driven an even bigger wedge into our relationship. It's gotten to the point where I have no desire to make any effort in my relationship with her. We still see her a fair amount as a family, but I don't think I've exchanged and individual email with her in over a year. We used to email somewhat regularly and see each other on our own. Between feeling put off by her lack of enthusiasm for our marriage and our child and being an incredibly busy working mom, I just don't feel like I want to spend any of my limited free time and energy on a relationship with her, but I know I should. Can somebody please give me a pep talk? Advice on how to mend our relationship. Do I just suck it up?

[Anonymous]

I read your post as very self-centered, OP. You seem to complain about all the things your SIL does or doesn't do, in relation to your life. Do you ever take an interest in hers? Do you try and touch base about her interest and things?

I think you're probably overthinking the "resentment" bit. It seems like you think of things as very one-sided.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to remember that your SIL's irritation at your wedding choices and her parents' reaction to their grandchild isn't really about you. She has her own things going on that may be getting in the way of her being able to enjoy these major milestones in her brother's life. But that doesn't mean she doesn't like you - it just means she's not able to provide enthusiastic support to you at this phase in life, which you should take in stride because clearly plenty of other people are able to provide that for you and your SIL just needs some space.

Try to accept it for what it is. Continue to include her in any group emails you send out to the family with photos of the baby but don't expect anything back. When she's ready, she will reengage more and that's fine. My own sister had a very strange reaction to the birth of my first child - she was very excited to come visit but then when the child was born, she couldn't bring herself to visit the hospital or to hold the baby. Everyone noticed and was baffled as to what was going on - I told everyone to just let her warm up to the idea in her own time, when she's ready she'll visit, and sure enough at the next family gathering, she was the enthusiastic aunt. I still don't know what the issue was, though I have my guesses, but clearly it was a thing for her and she just needed some time. I'm sure if I had taken it personally, it would have just exacerbated the issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I read your post as very self-centered, OP. You seem to complain about all the things your SIL does or doesn't do, in relation to your life. Do you ever take an interest in hers? Do you try and touch base about her interest and things?

I think you're probably overthinking the "resentment" bit. It seems like you think of things as very one-sided.

I agree with this. In what ways do you show interest in HER life?

[Anonymous]

OP, my guess is she's jealous. Do you guys do your best to include her in your lives? Do you relate to her about her own life, and treat her milestones and interests with a high degree of attention? (Ex. If she has a cat, do you ask how Mr. Fluffy is doing?)

Try to be generous. She's family, and you have things she may wish she had. Try to fix her up with a nice romantic partner!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to remember that your SIL's irritation at your wedding choices and her parents' reaction to their grandchild isn't really about you. She has her own things going on that may be getting in the way of her being able to enjoy these major milestones in her brother's life. But that doesn't mean she doesn't like you - it just means she's not able to provide enthusiastic support to you at this phase in life, which you should take in stride because clearly plenty of other people are able to provide that for you and your SIL just needs some space.

Try to accept it for what it is. Continue to include her in any group emails you send out to the family with photos of the baby but don't expect anything back. When she's ready, she will reengage more and that's fine. My own sister had a very strange reaction to the birth of my first child - she was very excited to come visit but then when the child was born, she couldn't bring herself to visit the hospital or to hold the baby. Everyone noticed and was baffled as to what was going on - I told everyone to just let her warm up to the idea in her own time, when she's ready she'll visit, and sure enough at the next family gathering, she was the enthusiastic aunt. I still don't know what the issue was, though I have my guesses, but clearly it was a thing for her and she just needed some time. I'm sure if I had taken it personally, it would have just exacerbated the issue.

+1

She probably wants to be married and have a child. Seeing this in you may be a painful reminder of her dreams that may never be fulfilled and this may make her awkward. I'd give her a big break. PP above has the right attitude and advice.

[Anonymous]

As the only childless sibling in my family, I am treated like a second class citizen. For example, I am no longer allowed a bedroom at my parents' or others' houses at holidays. I always have to stay at a hotel while everyone else stays at the house (we are talking six bedroom houses here) and some of the niece/neohews get their own rooms, rather than having the kids double up so I can get a bed. Do you do stuff like this to her? Do you drive all the planning and decision making?

[Anonymous]

Well, she clearly is in a lot of pain. Have you ever tried actually talking to her about it?

[Anonymous]

You flatter yourself OP. Maybe she just can't stand you. I can't stand my SIL or her kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I read your post as very self-centered, OP. You seem to complain about all the things your SIL does or doesn't do, in relation to your life. Do you ever take an interest in hers? Do you try and touch base about her interest and things?

I think you're probably overthinking the "resentment" bit. It seems like you think of things as very one-sided.

I agree with this. In what ways do you show interest in HER life?

+2

This may be difficult to understand, but not everything revolves around you OP. Do you fawn over everything in your SIL's life? If not, why do you expect her to fawn over yours?

[Anonymous]

I used to be close to my sister in law (brother's wife) until they got married. I'm older than my brother, single and likely to remain that way. (I was in a relationship when brother and she started dating almost 10 years ago but it ended shortly thereafter and I haven't been in a relationship since.) Everything was fine until brother and she decided to get married. Depressed about my own relationship struggles, I couldn't even pretend to be excited about the wedding, which dominated 100% of all family conversations. Then they ignored any ideas I offered. I was offended at being asked to give a reading--a reading!--when they had a ton of attendants. I'm my brother's only sibling! Then I was upset because I wanted to give a toast honoring the new couple, but they said only parents were "allowed" to toast. The whole thing put a bit of a damper on our relationship. Fast forward to the birth of their kid. Again, I felt crushed at realizing that my baby brother was achieving his dreams of having a family, while I'm all alone. It was really emotionally hard meeting the baby. What's worse is that even my parents are all about the two-year-old--it's like I don't exist in the family any more. And now my SIl and brother give me a rude look every time I try to talk about anything other than successful poops and "brilliant" things their darling said. In any event, this had driven an even bigger wedge into our relationship. It's gotten to the point where I have no desire to make any effort in my relationship with her. I still see her a fair amount as a family, but I don't think I've exchanged an individual email with her in over a year. We used to email somewhat regularly and see each other on our own. Between feeling put off by her lack of concern about me as an individual and being an incredibly busy employee and volunteer, I just don't feel like I want to spend any of my limited free time and energy on a relationship with her, but I know I should. Can somebody please give me a pep talk? Advice on how to mend our relationship. Do I just suck it up?

[Anonymous]

Encourage your husband to make time for just her. It's tough to lose a brother. It may be that she misses feeling close to him. They should continue to have a relationship and some of it doesn't need to include you. My guess is all the changes in his life probably means he doesn't feel he has as much in common either - but he should really try.

[Anonymous]

Ooohhhh do you think was ops SIL! Drama drama!!!

But I totally agree with pp, that's exactly the perspective,of the other person!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I used to be close to my sister in law (brother's wife) until they got married. I'm older than my brother, single and likely to remain that way. (I was in a relationship when brother and she started dating almost 10 years ago but it ended shortly thereafter and I haven't been in a relationship since.) Everything was fine until brother and she decided to get married. Depressed about my own relationship struggles, I couldn't even pretend to be excited about the wedding, which dominated 100% of all family conversations. Then they ignored any ideas I offered. I was offended at being asked to give a reading--a reading!--when they had a ton of attendants. I'm my brother's only sibling! Then I was upset because I wanted to give a toast honoring the new couple, but they said only parents were "allowed" to toast. The whole thing put a bit of a damper on our relationship. Fast forward to the birth of their kid. Again, I felt crushed at realizing that my baby brother was achieving his dreams of having a family, while I'm all alone. It was really emotionally hard meeting the baby. What's worse is that even my parents are all about the two-year-old--it's like I don't exist in the family any more. And now my SIl and brother give me a rude look every time I try to talk about anything other than successful poops and "brilliant" things their darling said. In any event, this had driven an even bigger wedge into our relationship. It's gotten to the point where I have no desire to make any effort in my relationship with her. I still see her a fair amount as a family, but I don't think I've exchanged an individual email with her in over a year. We used to email somewhat regularly and see each other on our own. Between feeling put off by her lack of concern about me as an individual and being an incredibly busy employee and volunteer, I just don't feel like I want to spend any of my limited free time and energy on a relationship with her, but I know I should. Can somebody please give me a pep talk? Advice on how to mend our relationship. Do I just suck it up?

+1,000

READ THIS, OP, over and over again, until it sinks in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I used to be close to my sister in law (brother's wife) until they got married. I'm older than my brother, single and likely to remain that way. (I was in a relationship when brother and she started dating almost 10 years ago but it ended shortly thereafter and I haven't been in a relationship since.) Everything was fine until brother and she decided to get married. Depressed about my own relationship struggles, I couldn't even pretend to be excited about the wedding, which dominated 100% of all family conversations. Then they ignored any ideas I offered. I was offended at being asked to give a reading--a reading!--when they had a ton of attendants. I'm my brother's only sibling! Then I was upset because I wanted to give a toast honoring the new couple, but they said only parents were "allowed" to toast. The whole thing put a bit of a damper on our relationship. Fast forward to the birth of their kid. Again, I felt crushed at realizing that my baby brother was achieving his dreams of having a family, while I'm all alone. It was really emotionally hard meeting the baby. What's worse is that even my parents are all about the two-year-old--it's like I don't exist in the family any more. And now my SIl and brother give me a rude look every time I try to talk about anything other than successful poops and "brilliant" things their darling said. In any event, this had driven an even bigger wedge into our relationship. It's gotten to the point where I have no desire to make any effort in my relationship with her. I still see her a fair amount as a family, but I don't think I've exchanged an individual email with her in over a year. We used to email somewhat regularly and see each other on our own. Between feeling put off by her lack of concern about me as an individual and being an incredibly busy employee and volunteer, I just don't feel like I want to spend any of my limited free time and energy on a relationship with her, but I know I should. Can somebody please give me a pep talk? Advice on how to mend our relationship. Do I just suck it up?

+1,000

READ THIS, OP, over and over again, until it sinks in.

People like OP are incapable of understanding the point that PP is trying to make. No matter how many times she reads it. Some people truly believe the world revolves around them and anyone who isn't showering them with glory is wrong and the bad person. It is really a sad existence because eventually they drive all people away except for the ones who are stuck with them.