Sound of a Newborn's Cry

[Anonymous]

I was at Target yesterday for about 45 minutes. For about 30 minutes straight I was able to hear the distinctive sound of a newborn baby's cry. But it was no ordinary cry, it was the cry of exteme pain and need. This poor newborn sounded like she was crying for her life. But she was neither picked up or consoled. Her mom just let her cry until she practically lost her voice. I stood there two aisles away and my eyes welled up with tears. I have one child conceived from IVF several years ago. Now I'm much older and my IVF's for a second child haven't been successful. I thought to myself here's this mother who scarcely seems to value her newborn enough to even console her when she's wants or needs something and yet here I am struggling to have a child. I wanted so badly to run to that baby and pick her up to comfort her. It was killing me to hear her cry. Has anyone been in a similar situation? Do you walk or run away? I can't stop thinking about that tiny baby crying. How do I get it out of my mind?

[Anonymous]

As a mother, I would think you'd understand that sometimes a baby cannot be consoled. I had a very colicky, refluxy baby. If I took him to stores, he would scream non-stop. "Helpful" strangers would tell me that he was hungry, or cold, or needed something. No, he just cried. A lot. It's hard to run errands or get anything done when you have a baby like that. Some babies are easy (I had one of those, too) and some are hard. Until you've had a difficult child, it is so easy (and unfair) to pass judgement on the parents.

I don't think its your place to assume that the mom doesn't value, love or want her child just because it was crying for a long time. I'm sorry you've had a difficult time conceiving, but that does not mean you love or deserve children more than other people.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry to hear of your struggles. I hope you find success in building your family soon.

The previous poster may be right in that the baby has an issue that would prevent calming it. But, I too have been frustrated with witnessing poor parenting in public places. So much about dealing with infertility involves self-preservation techniques. Removing yourself from difficult situations is an understandable reaction. During my years of struggle I have definitely abandoned my cart and walked out of stores when overwhelmed by the sight of so many pregnant bellies, newborns and toddlers.

As for the previous poster, I am sorry to hear that you had a difficult time with your baby, but I would also hope that being a mom would have taught you some compassion and empathy. I see so many attacks on these boards. It just makes me sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a mother, I would think you'd understand that sometimes a baby cannot be consoled. I had a very colicky, refluxy baby. If I took him to stores, he would scream non-stop. "Helpful" strangers would tell me that he was hungry, or cold, or needed something. No, he just cried. A lot. It's hard to run errands or get anything done when you have a baby like that. Some babies are easy (I had one of those, too) and some are hard. Until you've had a difficult child, it is so easy (and unfair) to pass judgement on the parents.

I don't think its your place to assume that the mom doesn't value, love or want her child just because it was crying for a long time. I'm sorry you've had a difficult time conceiving, but that does not mean you love or deserve children more than other people.

Wow. What kind of support is this? If you could not provide support, why did you have to respond at all? So either I don't have a right to my view or just don't deserve support to a view that is different from yours? First, I think you've made a pretty big assumption that I must not have had a difficult child. My child was a colicky baby too, born with acid reflux and sensory issues too. And it was precisely because he was such a high-needs, high-maintenance baby that I learned to better respond to his cries, NOT IGNORE HIS CRIES. His crying was what made me see 5 different pediatricians in the first 10 days of his life. And thankfully one of those pediatricians dx him with acid reflux and put him on zantac. My son did not sleep through the night until he was 17 months old. To get him to even sleep 5 hours at a stretch I had to put blankets over my son's windows to darken the room, I had to wrap sheets around his crib to block out light, I had to use a white noise machine to muffle sounds, hold up upright for 30 minutes after every meal, etc..etc...Sometimes he would wake up crying at 2 am and the only way to get him to go back to sleep would be to take him out for a ride in the car so that's what we did. Thankfully, it's five years later and he's a good sleeper now and many of those issues have disappeared. I'm not saying I am a perfect mother in every way. What I'm saying is that a newborn baby's cry is a cry of help. They are completely dependent on their caregiver for everything. It is incumbent on the caregiver to CARE for their newborn and to do everything possible to soothe them. This child's cry was no whimper. It was a all out pathetic blood-curdling cry. Clearly she was in some pain. How a caregiver can nonchalantly continue to complete her shopping in the housewares section while a newborn is practically crying that way is just something I can not understand. Can you understand that? I just happen to think that a newborn's unique problems should make a mother more attentive and more compassionate, not deaf and less compassionate. I was at TreeTop Toys in Oakton a few weeks ago and a mother had a newborn crying like crazy in her car. But she did not ignore her baby. She picked her baby up and, right there, in the parking lot by her car, she rocked her baby for 15 minutes until her baby stopped crying. Yes, at the risk of sounding judgmental, that's what I think a mom is supposed to do for a newborn. No matter how much you may try to defend a mother who just turns a deaf ear to a newborn's shrieking, it does not erase the truth, which is that a newborn deserves a caregiver who is unconditionally attentive.

[Anonymous]

You go, OP.

And best of luck to you. Yes, I think that people like you actually do "deserve" to have babies more than many other mothers in this world. It's too bad that life is so unfair about this.

[Anonymous]

I'm a mom, and if that were my baby, I'd be carrying my babe in my arms so he/she could feel my comfort. I don't care if the baby was plain colicky or just fussy.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP but you sound VERY judgmental. Who the hell are you to make those assumptions about people?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a mother, I would think you'd understand that sometimes a baby cannot be consoled. I had a very colicky, refluxy baby. If I took him to stores, he would scream non-stop. "Helpful" strangers would tell me that he was hungry, or cold, or needed something. No, he just cried. A lot. It's hard to run errands or get anything done when you have a baby like that. Some babies are easy (I had one of those, too) and some are hard. Until you've had a difficult child, it is so easy (and unfair) to pass judgement on the parents.

I don't think its your place to assume that the mom doesn't value, love or want her child just because it was crying for a long time. I'm sorry you've had a difficult time conceiving, but that does not mean you love or deserve children more than other people.

This reply takes the cake. Narcissism at its best.

And actually, OP does deserve children at least at much as other people - and yes, maybe even more than some. She sounds like a sincere and sensitive person, unlike you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You go, OP.

And best of luck to you. Yes, I think that people like you actually do "deserve" to have babies more than many other mothers in this world. It's too bad that life is so unfair about this.

Agree! Good luck OP.

[Anonymous]

PP, could you be a little more specific in your bitterness? What "judgments," exactly, is OP making that are so wrong? It seems to me that she is just observing facts. Screaming crying baby + mother more interested in shopping = neglected infant. Neglected infant = bad parent. What part of that don't you get?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a mother, I would think you'd understand that sometimes a baby cannot be consoled. I had a very colicky, refluxy baby. If I took him to stores, he would scream non-stop. "Helpful" strangers would tell me that he was hungry, or cold, or needed something. No, he just cried. A lot. It's hard to run errands or get anything done when you have a baby like that. Some babies are easy (I had one of those, too) and some are hard. Until you've had a difficult child, it is so easy (and unfair) to pass judgement on the parents.

I don't think its your place to assume that the mom doesn't value, love or want her child just because it was crying for a long time. I'm sorry you've had a difficult time conceiving, but that does not mean you love or deserve children more than other people.

Wow. What kind of support is this? If you could not provide support, why did you have to respond at all? So either I don't have a right to my view or just don't deserve support to a view that is different from yours? First, I think you've made a pretty big assumption that I must not have had a difficult child. My child was a colicky baby too, born with acid reflux and sensory issues too. And it was precisely because he was such a high-needs, high-maintenance baby that I learned to better respond to his cries, NOT IGNORE HIS CRIES. His crying was what made me see 5 different pediatricians in the first 10 days of his life. And thankfully one of those pediatricians dx him with acid reflux and put him on zantac. My son did not sleep through the night until he was 17 months old. To get him to even sleep 5 hours at a stretch I had to put blankets over my son's windows to darken the room, I had to wrap sheets around his crib to block out light, I had to use a white noise machine to muffle sounds, hold up upright for 30 minutes after every meal, etc..etc...Sometimes he would wake up crying at 2 am and the only way to get him to go back to sleep would be to take him out for a ride in the car so that's what we did. Thankfully, it's five years later and he's a good sleeper now and many of those issues have disappeared. I'm not saying I am a perfect mother in every way. What I'm saying is that a newborn baby's cry is a cry of help. They are completely dependent on their caregiver for everything. It is incumbent on the caregiver to CARE for their newborn and to do everything possible to soothe them. This child's cry was no whimper. It was a all out pathetic blood-curdling cry. Clearly she was in some pain. How a caregiver can nonchalantly continue to complete her shopping in the housewares section while a newborn is practically crying that way is just something I can not understand. Can you understand that? I just happen to think that a newborn's unique problems should make a mother more attentive and more compassionate, not deaf and less compassionate. I was at TreeTop Toys in Oakton a few weeks ago and a mother had a newborn crying like crazy in her car. But she did not ignore her baby. She picked her baby up and, right there, in the parking lot by her car, she rocked her baby for 15 minutes until her baby stopped crying. Yes, at the risk of sounding judgmental, that's what I think a mom is supposed to do for a newborn. No matter how much you may try to defend a mother who just turns a deaf ear to a newborn's shrieking, it does not erase the truth, which is that a newborn deserves a caregiver who is unconditionally attentive.

Yes, the mom in Oakton was doing the right thing. All literature about newborns states that you cannot spoil a newborn by holding them or comforting them too much - in fact, even if you can't console a colicky baby (like my first child) you can give them comfort in your arms. You are teaching them that the world is a good and safe place.

I would go and find some citations for this, but I'm too lazy today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP but you sound VERY judgmental. Who the hell are you to make those assumptions about people?

I'm sorry if it makes you feel judged. For a moment put aside your feelings and think instead of the newborn's needs though.

[Anonymous]

I'm surprised at all the defenses of the OP's vitriolic posts. I totally sympathize with her angst over secondary infertility as I've been there myself. And particularly in my saddest moments, I've had all kinds of superior attitudes toward other parents, whether toward my bossy SIL or toward the teenage moms I'd see at the mall. But seriously, OP, step back and think a bit -- and you'll hopefully recognize that what you're feeling is grief and anger over your situation. You don't really know what was happening with the baby whose cry you heard - you don't really know if the mom was indifferent, you don't have the slightest idea why the baby was crying, you don't know what the mother may have been doing to comfort the child that you didn't happen to see. And unless you spoke to the mom, you don't know even know if the child was really a newborn at all. So yes, I agree with the other PP, you sound ***very*** judgmental - I'm guessing it's the product of your own sadness, but it's really unfair to project that on some perfect stranger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm surprised at all the defenses of the OP's vitriolic posts. I totally sympathize with her angst over secondary infertility as I've been there myself. And particularly in my saddest moments, I've had all kinds of superior attitudes toward other parents, whether toward my bossy SIL or toward the teenage moms I'd see at the mall. But seriously, OP, step back and think a bit -- and you'll hopefully recognize that what you're feeling is grief and anger over your situation. You don't really know what was happening with the baby whose cry you heard - you don't really know if the mom was indifferent, you don't have the slightest idea why the baby was crying, you don't know what the mother may have been doing to comfort the child that you didn't happen to see. And unless you spoke to the mom, you don't know even know if the child was really a newborn at all. So yes, I agree with the other PP, you sound ***very*** judgmental - I'm guessing it's the product of your own sadness, but it's really unfair to project that on some perfect stranger.

You couldn't be more wrong. This truly has less to do with secondary infertility than it does with neglectful parenting. My arms only want to embrace those newborns and the babies. I'm not angry over my infertility at all. I have never been angry over my infertility. So you don't have to guess about me because I am telling you the truth about my feelings and my opinion. I have stepped back and I have thought this through. Now I ask you to do the same. Step back and think about it and try to surmise some possible reasons as to that mom's reason to neglect her pitiful newborn's cries. Go ahead and tell me all the possible reasons you can come up with. The baby was colickly? So what, pick the baby up for goodness sake and at least hold and comfort her. The baby had reflux? So get the heck out of housewares and go to the pediatrician, ten if necessary, and get something to help your baby's reflux. The baby had diaper rash? So get your newborn off her bottom or change her diaper more frequently, and don't let poop or urine sit on her tush for hours at a time. So the baby had sensory overload? Then get out of the store and take her to a place more soothing. The baby is hungry? Then stop shopping at housewares and go toa corner someplace and feed your baby. The baby is upset because she's not held more? Then hold her. The baby is a special needs baby? Holding special needs babies is still comforting to them, rocking them gently is still comforting to them. I truly would like to see what other reasons you can come up with. Set aside any moms feelings. This is about a newborns needs. Keep it on the subject of whether that newborns needs were being met by crying so hysterically for nearly 30 minutes.

[Anonymous]

OP - please explain how you know it was a newborn? And that it was a

cry of exteme pain and need

? And if you were 2 aisles away, how do you know what the mother did or didn't do?

Focus on your own family and your own issues. If you are so certain of your superior parenting skills, perhaps you could volunteer somewhere.