Sister-in-law doesn't care about DS

[Anonymous]

My SIL doesn't ask about or want to see my son ever. I always ask about her son, my nephew, and babysit him every month, feed him, give gifts, etc. She is an only child herself, hates family gatherings, and is very competitive with me. She is expecting #2 so I am thinking I won't be helping her out or going all out for her children anymore. I don't want to feel this way and it sounds horrible but I am tired of giving with no caring at all for how my son is doing. At this point, I do it for my son who I hope will have good relations with his cousins. It hurts, especially around the holidays. Any for suggestions on how to handle this?

[Anonymous]

How does your husband feel about/handle this, since it is his sister who is ignoring his child?

[Anonymous]

Sorry, it is my brother's wife. Unfortunately, they have had marital problems so I think he just wants peace. They fight a lot (nothing to do with us). We kept away from them until children came into the picture. On top of all of this, they spend very little of their time with their own son (he is in daycare all week and with a babysitter on weekends). It's complicated. Maybe I just ignore her.

[Anonymous]

OP, we are in a sort of similar situation, only in our case it is DH's sister. They live out of state so it's not a question of babysitting/helping out, but she (and her husband, my BIL) literally never ask about either of our children (our daughter was born with serious health isssues and they NEVER asked about her or said anything to even acknowledge her existence)--basically, if we didn't bring the subject up it would be like both our kids don't exist to them, show no interest, don't send gifts, etc. They have one son a year younger than our son; we have never missed a birthday or Xmas present, we ask about him, etc. In our case Dh and his sister didn't have a close relationship before kids, but nothing so extreme as to warrant this kind of behavior. We have just been sucking it up so that in the future our son and his cousin can have a good relationship. We're biding our time for some years until the cousin can call our son himself, etc.; at that point we can eliminate the hostile middleman (woman), LOL. I don't know if I would do that, though, if I were babysitting or doing more active things other than phone calls and gifts. In your situation, I think I would tone down the kind actions, because it would be so frustrating. Not sure if this helps but you are not alone!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, we are in a sort of similar situation, only in our case it is DH's sister. They live out of state so it's not a question of babysitting/helping out, but she (and her husband, my BIL) literally never ask about either of our children (our daughter was born with serious health isssues and they NEVER asked about her or said anything to even acknowledge her existence)--basically, if we didn't bring the subject up it would be like both our kids don't exist to them, show no interest, don't send gifts, etc. They have one son a year younger than our son; we have never missed a birthday or Xmas present, we ask about him, etc. In our case Dh and his sister didn't have a close relationship before kids, but nothing so extreme as to warrant this kind of behavior. We have just been sucking it up so that in the future our son and his cousin can have a good relationship. We're biding our time for some years until the cousin can call our son himself, etc.; at that point we can eliminate the hostile middleman (woman), LOL. I don't know if I would do that, though, if I were babysitting or doing more active things other than phone calls and gifts. In your situation, I think I would tone down the kind actions, because it would be so frustrating. Not sure if this helps but you are not alone!

PP here--sorry, to clarify: when I said "I don't think I would do that," I meant I probably wouldn't be as nice as you have been in babysitting, etc. I didn't mean that I wouldn't bide our time; I meant that I wouold probably not be as giving toward them if it meant more than phone calls and gifts.

[Anonymous]

Similar situation on my end. My dh's sister is the same (but we dont babysit either).
We are friendly at family gatherings but outside of that I dont even feel he has a sister or my kids have an aunt. It used to bother me but seeing her lack of etiquette, kindness and just over all being a loof - I personally dont want my kids around her kids too much and pick up on their behaviour (Btw her kids are hate my kids - they are 8 and 10, mine are newborn and 18 months and they flat out said they hate them). That being said - I hate to say this but I rather my kids not know this horrible family and have adopted my close friends in the area as "family". These are the kids that my kids will see on a regular basis that I would rather they learn from.

PS - I believe the kids are jealous of the attention my kids got after they were born. We waited 10 years to have kids and used to spoil them (but still they were not appreciative, to be blunt snot nosed brats)- now that we have our own - we focus our energy on ours kids and I have become so jaded that I give minimal attention to them now. I cannot tolerate that rudeness anymore nor want my kids to learn from that.

[Anonymous]

I follow the wise saying that you can pick your friends but you can't pick your family. Treat those who treat you well with respect, and ignore others who are rude.

It's not worth the emotional effort.

[Anonymous]

Some people just aren't into kids. I'm really not, except for my own. I wasn't really comfortable babysitting for friend's kids (my son's friends) until they were a little older--say 3 or 4.

[Anonymous]

Couple things.

Regarding mean SIL etc.--I would talk to them and say -I notice that you never inquire about my family and that you feel hurt and look for a response. Sometimes people get a bit self centered and direct questioning will turn a light on an can act as a catalyst for change. If they give you a snotty answer you have some closure. It might also open up some long forgotten wrong on your part that they perceive and maybe communication can be opened and resolved.

Regarding the 10 year "bratty kids"--I am troubled by this response. In my expererience when kids act out there is usually some kind of underlying reason and just calling a kid a brat is the easy way out. Most likely something is going on in their household and rather than name calling a kid even on an anoymous website is "bratty" in your own right. I would continue to act kind and you may find out years later when the "bratty" kids have grown up that your kindness when they were going through a tough time was appreciated. Seriously werren't we all "bratty" at some point in our lives?

[Anonymous]

"Some people just aren't into kids"

That's a shame for them but no excuse for being rude. Sometimes you just need to suck it up and feign interest to be nice.

[Anonymous]

It sucks OP but you cannot help how other people behave. I hate dogs and I would be completely offended if my SIL were ride to my child or did not care to ask about him but I would never ask about the pets she loves or care about them. Some people just do not like kids. Her rudeness sucks but it says more about her than you.

[Anonymous]

Just a thought, but I noticed that you mentioned "they don't spend much time with their child" in a response. Could you possibly....just possibly...be doing things or saying things that make her feel judged as a mom? I just wonder because there was really no need to say that in your post (unless there was some connection in your head that you did not express). It could be that she doesn't ask about your son because she feels guilty, or she feels like you will one-up her in your response. Or she is just overall uncomfortable. And she could feel that when you ask about her child, you are really questioning his well-being. Or it could be that she is distancing herself from her husband family, because their relationship isn't great.

Or she could just be totally self-absorbed.

Have you talked to your brother about it? I'd focus more on the "hey, do you think the kids will be the type of cousins that get togethor all the time" versus your SIL interest.

And if i were you, if babysitting has become a pain and you resent it, don't do it. Or stop doing it as often or limit it to emergency/more urgent times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, it is my brother's wife. Unfortunately, they have had marital problems so I think he just wants peace. They fight a lot (nothing to do with us). We kept away from them until children came into the picture. On top of all of this, they spend very little of their time with their own son (he is in daycare all week and with a babysitter on weekends). It's complicated. Maybe I just ignore her.

If she doesn't spend enough time with her own son, I wouldn't ask for her next move to be paying more attention to your children.

I would ignore her but continue to be nice to their child who sounds like he needs it.

[Anonymous]

I would not expect anything from her, but would still do nice things for her kids. It's not their fault their mother is like that, and you will always be the "cool aunt" they have fond memories of.

[Anonymous]

OP here, thanks for all of your helpful responses. I mentioned her lack of time with her own son because if she doesn't spend the time with him, what can I really expect her to do for her nephew. I have never questioned her mothering skills because I know that would just kill any relationship. Plus I know how hard it is to raise a child as a mother myself. I'm not going to judge her for that. I always praise her son as he is very special to me for a lot of reasons. And my son loves him so much that I would do anything to get them time together. I just wish she felt the same way as I do about the importance of spending time as an extended family. I know that I can not force this to happen. I'm feeling hurt and learning to cope with the reality.