Help Me with Being One and Done
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Anonymous
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By way of background, I have always wanted to have several children, and DH agreed that three kids would be ideal for our family. Because of fertility and budget constraints, however, it is looking increasingly like we are one and done. We require IVF to get pregnant and just can't fund it right now or even justify incurring the debt of another loan to do so knowing it may not work. Without IVF, I'm having a series of chemical pregnancies that feel like torture, so we may quit even actively trying on our own.
The bottom line is that I'm not coping with this well. Instead, I'm bitter because I'm relatively young and work hard at my job but still can't have the life I want. I recognize that this is childish, but I'm struggling to get over it. I "know" to focus on my one DC, but I still have an underlying sadness and anger that I can't shake. Any compassionate tips? |
Anonymous
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Have you tried therapy?
I had the opposite situation--I didn't want any children, and found myself pregnant (despite being on birth control). Everything looked "good" on paper--stable jobs, decent finances, great marriage, old enough...but I was miserable. Just having someone who I can could cry to without judgement and who could help me frame my perspective differently has been helpful. I don't think I'll ever be "excited" about being pregnant, and you'll probably never be excited about only having one child, but a professional can help you process the emotions you are feeling and come to a better place. |
Anonymous
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I think you should let yourself get mad. Take a sick day, take DC to daycare and spend the day having a pity party. At 4:30, that's it. It's over. Keep your perspective and remember that your DC needs you -- all of you. Think of all the great things you can provide one child versus having to spread it out among 3.
I've been where you are. My problems were eventually fixed (medical issue) but I wasn't sure they would be. I definitely had a day where I had to come to grips with the fact that my family may not be what I had hoped it to be. There's nothing wrong with admitting it, feeling it, then maturely letting it go. When those feelings rise up again, remember that you've already heeded them once and they don't deserve to take priority again. |
Anonymous
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I don't have the life I want either - I'm a single mom of one, when my choice would have been married mom of two. I wouldn't have chosen this life. But I don't dwell on that because honestly, it's out of my control. Instead, I try to remember all the ways that my life IS what I wanted. I have a good job and a cute house and a car that runs and a ton of friends and a great family. My daughter's dad is nice and supportive. In a lot of ways, we are very blessed.
Please don't let the one thing you don't have keep you from appreciating the things you do have. Having one kid is awesome - there's more money for everything, you can focus on their activities and you have a special one-on-one bond without leaving anyone out. |
Anonymous
It's OK to grieve the what-might-have-beens. And you should. But an important lesson in life for all of us, about everything, is to learn how to be happy with what we've got. There is no perfect family except in our fantasy lives. 
I agree with PP that some therapy might be helpful. Hang in there, OP. (And to throw a complete wild card out there, I had a friend who was having fertility issues. Not sure of the cause but she was older like me (late 30s). She did acupuncture and got pregnant. ) |
Anonymous
| Since you are on the young side, maybe take several years off from trying. That might give your body and finances time to recover from any issues. It doesn't mean you can't try again in say five years or something like that. |
Anonymous
Good suggestion, but I'm not that young. I'm 33, and DH is 38. I just don't feel like I'm old enough for my eggs to be crapping out but they are. The RE said time is of the essence, but we're too cash-strapped. |
Anonymous
OP--I have several friends and a relative in your situation that all had 'miracle/unexpected' babies close to 40. There is a 8-10 year age difference between kids. Most had made total peace with their only child lifestyle and number 2 (very welcome) scared the hell out of some of them. I think the biggest frustration has got to be lack of it being your decision. I'm sorry. I hope it works out. |
Anonymous
| No one gets everything they want. In an ideal world, I think I would have another kid. We don't live in an ideal world, so I won't. I don't stop myself from being sad *for a moment*--but I also don't let myself dwell on it. I never want my beautiful sweet little girl to think for even a second that she was not enough for me. I imagine life with another kid, and then I think about all the advantages of having on only, and then I hug my daughter and am so, so thankful for my lovely family of three. |
Anonymous
| We have one and in so many ways it's wonderful but I still find myself sometimes seeing a little kid while we're out and wishing we had another. I might get sad for a moment but then I remember how lucky I am |
Anonymous
| OP some of us have none. Despite years of trying and multiple IVFs. You have to play the cards you are dealt. It is okay to be sad, it is not ok when sadness trumps all of the other good things in your life. |
Anonymous
| Some people haven't even met their spouses by 33. You don't know what your future will bring. Maybe in a few years you will be in a position financially to try IVF again, or consider adoption. |
Anonymous
| It sounds like repeated miscarriages are taking a toll. Are you actively trying to get pregnant? Maybe take a break for a while. You have several more years to have a chance at natural pregnancy or another IVF. |
Anonymous
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I think the TTC break is a good idea. And therapy to reframe your way of thinking so you can be happy no matter what.
And every new child brings a new risk....medical issues or disability etc. Or a drastically different personality who may never get along with your current child. Please don't get me wrong I feel that all children are a blessing even if they do have medical issues or physical problems. But it can be hard and is always a risk no matter what we do to minimize it. |
Anonymous
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Hugs to you. Many of us have been there and had to work through the emotions. Our hearts are so resilient, though--once you are in a place where you can focus on the good stuff, you will find peace. I would caution against hoping for miracle babies or a change of circumstances in favor of embracing the current reality.
(I am currently on hold with a ski resort where I am booking my only into his first ski lessons, something we never, ever would have been able to afford if we'd had the second baby I so desperately wanted. Silver linings.) |