Any others out there who know how to deal with Indian "aunties"?

[Anonymous]

For those of you who were born/raised in the US, how do you deal with the Indian “aunty” cattiness/games? In this case, family friends have invited us to their D’s wedding (D is in her 30s so we grew up with her -- but the parents are the ones extending the invite to us, our spouses etc.). That “invite” was of course followed up by the bride’s mom saying “well -- the ceremony will be mostly family and really long; I don’t know that you’ll be interested.” Um -- ok -- then why does my invite say ceremony plus reception, if you don’t want me at the ceremony? I want to bag the whole thing and just not go at all.

My DH thinks that’s rude to the bride who likely isn’t even aware that her mom is going around saying these things. The bride is very normal and probably wants all her friends at the events and the mom probably imagined that the ceremony would look a certain way -- i.e. just their family and closest friends, maybe none of the bride’s “American” (white) friends, maybe excluding the non-Hindu guests (we’re Muslim and the mom while she is our “friend” makes comments about that once in a while). WWYD? Can I bail? I really don’t want to spend a half day some place I’m not wanted. Before anyone asks -- yes, I'm Indian but I don't really know how to deal with these things as I don't socialize in the Indian community any more than I have to; I have friends of all kinds and thus have lost touch with Indian social norms.

[Anonymous]

I'm familiar with dealing with South Asian aunties. I'm polite, but I try to go direct to the source, rather than deal with their cattiness and insinuations.

Why not just ask the bride, since you grew up with her? She'll probably be more straight-forward. I know parents like to feel like they can call the shots in desi weddings, but I wouldn't placate that. Just be open with her, don't spill who's mom said what, but say something like:

"hey friend, congratulations! we received an invitation, and just wanted to clarify and get your input on what you feel is best. we respect your wishes either way about which you'd like us to attend, and are excited for this new chapter of your life. we'd love to attend wedding/reception/mehndi/etc, but respect whatever you and fiance are thinking. Congrats again!"

[Anonymous]

hehehe, Indian aunties. Oh boy, flashbacks to my childhood in Bethesda.

Yeah, just talk to the bride directly. Not what I would do, but it's the simplest option.

[Anonymous]

Aren't all Indian weddings an exercise in sucking it up and hosting 300-400 people, 100-200 of whom are superfluous but it's the "proper" thing to do. The bride is probably well aware of the meddling,

[Anonymous]

The ceremony is long and boring. If I could think of a way to just go to the reception and not seem rude, I'd do it. They may not be trying to exclude you so the ceremony "looks Indian", but doing you a kindness by letting you know you won't be considered rude of you skip the long part.

Do what you want to do. If you want to go to the ceremony, go.

[Anonymous]

Oh Indian "aunties" are pretty low on the passive aggressive meddling scale. Try some Italian "aunties."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The ceremony is long and boring. If I could think of a way to just go to the reception and not seem rude, I'd do it. They may not be trying to exclude you so the ceremony "looks Indian", but doing you a kindness by letting you know you won't be considered rude of you skip the long part.

Do what you want to do. If you want to go to the ceremony, go.

+1
They can get long and boring. I think she's probably just trying to say its fine if you'd rather join for the reception.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh Indian "aunties" are pretty low on the passive aggressive meddling scale. Try some Italian "aunties."

Or Polish "aunties". LOL!

[Anonymous]

Or Southern aunties - bless their hearts!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh Indian "aunties" are pretty low on the passive aggressive meddling scale. Try some Italian "aunties."

I dated several Italian guys. They were very sexy, but I couldn't stand their mothers. Didn't want Marie Barone for my MIL.

[Anonymous]

I've dealt with Indian aunties and Jewish aunties and I don't find anything wrong in your post. Maybe the mom is warning you because you are from a different culture and may not realize what you are getting into. It doesn't sound mean-spirited and believe me I am familiar with passive aggressive, etc. Are there many celebrations you are invited to in honor of the wedding? If so, you may want to go to one of those.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Aren't all Indian weddings an exercise in sucking it up and hosting 300-400 people, 100-200 of whom are superfluous but it's the "proper" thing to do. The bride is probably well aware of the meddling,

Only 300? I had that many for my own wedding; my Indian co-worker laughed and said that was a small wedding.

Basically my in-laws didn't think that their daughter would make it this far (she was born @ 26 weeks) so they did pull out the stops.

[Anonymous]

and as to the OP, you may want to talk to the bride just to clarify -- I was getting a vibe of 'this may be boring if you're non-Desi' -- if you have gotten along well with this woman before I'd be inclined to be accepting/tolerant here.