I think we need to break up

[Anonymous]

Apologies in advance for this long post..

I've been with my boyfriend for just under a year. I'm 21, he's 25. Overall, we have a great relationship and he's a great boyfriend. He is affectionate and caring, he respects and listens to me. He tries very hard to make me happy, and I do the same. I know, and have known for a while, that he fully expects to marry me. He really wants to settle down and get married. I thought, for a brief period, I could see this too, but we are fundamentally very different people and in my heart of hearts I know that I would not be happy married to him. His grandmother was visiting this weekend and he drove her to the airport when she left. When he got back, he told me they'd been talking about me and said "she asked me if I thought you were 'the one'" - when I asked what he said, he wouldn't tell me but basically implied he said yes. At that point it dawned on me that at some point, probably soon, I am going to have to break up with him and break his heart.

Just to illustrate some of my concerns (and I'm sure you will see why I don't think these are the sorts of issues that can be fixed by talking it out) -

He's Christian and I'm a diehard atheist
He's not very politically minded and doesn't agree with/understand a lot of my political views (very liberal) and I am often frustrated with careless comments he makes that are blatantly sexist/racist/ableist
I have some concerns about his family (to keep it simple, if we were to marry I'd be back on here in 5 years with some VERY interesting MIL/BIL issues)
We don't communicate very well. We keep butting heads on the same issues but can never really work through anything because even if we agree to do X in order to avoid Y problem in the future, we just can't communicate with each other in a way that allows X to happen
He is leaving for depot (police training for Canadians) probably in March, after which he will be a fully fledged RCMP officer. Which means being posted in some random city, most likely not in our home province, and moving every 3-5 years for the next decade at least. Were I 100% sure about our relationship, this wouldn't be a problem for me. But, I am not sure, and I am not willing to do this with him.

I have posted on here a few times with different issues, and the consensus has always been that I need to break up with him. I do take advice from here with a grain of salt, but I know it is telling that we have so many issues that people think can't really be solved.

I feel that I am ignoring or compromising some of my values to be with him, and I'm sure if he thought about it he would feel the same. I feel like I have lost a large part of myself in the year I've been with him - I essentially spend all my free time with him, I don't do hobbies I used to love, I don't eat the food I like, I don't really get alone time. I like being around him but I can feel that now that I'm allowing myself to acknowledge the fact that it isn't going to work out, things are going downhill fast. Which is where things get a bit complicated:

A few months ago, my current roommate asked me to move out so her partner could move in. I wasn't particularly attached to the apartment and basically live at bf's apartment anyways, so no problem. I'm moving out of that apartment in 3 days (Oct 31). However, I can't move in to my next apartment until Dec 1st. So boyfriend and I had decided I would "officially" live with him for the month of November. I know that I will be able to find somewhere else to stay if push comes to shove, but it would be a huge inconvenience for whatever friend/relative that ended up being - it would be SO much easier to just stay at his apartment, where all my stuff is anyways, for the month.

So, I'm really left with 3 issues that I need help with here:

1. How the hell do you break up with someone who you love, who loves you, and who will be heartbroken when you do it? I've never been the dumper - always the dumpee. And I know it sucks. If anyone can literally provide me with a script, it would be very appreciated. The thought of him being alone after I leave him is killing me.

2. Do I do it now? Do I do it in a month when I'm in my new apartment? I'm worried that if I wait, he'll know something's up. We had sex last night and it was a total disaster because I was so upset and feeling weird about all my feelings. I don't know if I can keep it up for a month, but I also don't know what I'll do if I can't stay with him.

3. He has a kitten that I bought him for his birthday. Although she's technically his, she's basically "our" kitten and the thought of not seeing her any more is REALLY hard (I'm crying as I type this, and I'd been fine up to this point. Do I love the kitten more than him?) I know she's just a cat but I'm sure anyone with a pet understands how I feel. I would miss her like CRAZY. I had also promised to keep her for 6 months while he goes to depot before moving to join him (which obviously is not happening). Should I still offer to do that? I don't know what other options he has and I think if I don't take her, he might have to give her up. She needs to stay with him long-term.

UGH. Thank you whoever got through all that and has ANY advice to offer. I need every bit I can get.

[Anonymous]

Please move on. You're too young to be this concerned with marriage and the differences between you are the BIG issues.

[Anonymous]

I feel that I am ignoring or compromising some of my values to be with him, and I'm sure if he thought about it he would feel the same. I feel like I have lost a large part of myself in the year I've been with him - I essentially spend all my free time with him, I don't do hobbies I used to love, I don't eat the food I like, I don't really get alone time.


What would you tell a friend who just said these things to you about her bf? Rip the bandaid off. honey, you're young. Do NOT waste any more time with a person who you compromise yourself to be with. That is not love. I am 38 and went through something similar and literally wasted 6 years on a man in my 20's who was 'just ok' because I was too sensitive to break it off. WTF. I wish I could tell my younger self to just suck it up. Do what is right for you. Not for him. Trust me on this one.

[Anonymous]

PP here, sorry, I meant to quote your original post... I think you get the gist though.

[Anonymous]

OP here - ok, I clearly should have titled my post "I am going to break up with my boyfriend - what now?"

PP's, I know I need to break up with him. I'm asking how, and looking for advice on how to deal with some of the lingering technical issues like moving apartments and dealing with the cat.

[Anonymous]

1) you take a huge deep breath and be honest. Be prepared for some anger. Some questions. Some drama. Be strong and stick to your guns. Don't lie, don't reconsider. Maintain your integrity even if he becomes emotionally manipulative towards you.

2) find somewhere else to stay. Don't compromise your integrity. A friend will understand, you can make it work. It's not that long, offer to pay for the hassle.

3) it was a gift to him and after things settle down you might want to talk about shared custody and remaining friends. But it's his cat at the end of the day.

[Anonymous]

1. Just do it. Say that you don't see the two of you ever being married and you've been together too long for it to continue with no future.

Things to avoid:

- Do not try to give him a detailed list of reasons. It will give him false hope that if he can convince you otherwise or change, you will take him back.

- Do not fish for indications that he isn't mad at you, can see your point of view, knows this must be hard for you to say, etc. You are breaking his heart and he doesn't need to feel bad for you or re-assure you, even though you are going through something difficult too.

- Do not lie to him.

2. Find somewhere else to stay. Realize that this means the breakup needs to happen almost immediately, because there's no other way to spin "I won't stay with my future husband for one month."

3. That sucks but its his cat, so don't harbor any thought of trying to end up with the cat, especially since you're breaking up with him. There's no way to answer the question of whether you should offer to care for the cat until you've seen how the breakup has gone.

[Anonymous]

I don't really know how to say how. You just sit down, discuss your issues, say it isn't working, and move on. Do you have a friend you can stay with? I have several friends who have broken up with their live in boyfriends and were able to stay living together until one moved out. Obviously this doesn't work for everyone.
If you have a friend or family you can stay with, I would tell him ASAP instead of letting it drag on. Then you two can decide what is next. Do you have to pay rent for the last month? That can make it tricky.

as for the cat, he likely won't be able to take it with him. So the plan would stay the same. Issue can be dealt with in 6 months time. He may never be able to keep the cat with him depending on his living situation.

[Anonymous]

I'm 29 and have been married since 22. I genuinely feel that if you see these issues now and you know it's going to cause problems, make plans to end the relationship. When you marry, you also marry into your husband's family. You will see them over holidays, birthdays, good times and bad times. They will play a role in your kids lives. If he's sexist and racist in his comments, let him go. That crap carries over to kids and they think it's ok. I would make some quick plans to move in with a friend for the month of November and offer to split November's rent (a great time for some extra money for someone since Christmas is around the corner).
Above anything else, if you feel in your heart that its not going to work, don't ignore that feeling. You are young and have the opportunity to do so much and meet so many new people. If you future husband is out there, how are you going to meet him when you're with mr. wrong?
I wish you the best. Breakups are never easy. This too shall pass.

[Anonymous]

You know what you need to do - just do it. Get it over with.

You say you keep getting the same advice here with the scenarios you post, yet you keep posting them and not taking/following any advice.

You're doing him a favor by breaking up w/ him at this point. Just do it.

And stop wasting our time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. Just do it. Say that you don't see the two of you ever being married and you've been together too long for it to continue with no future.

Things to avoid:

- Do not try to give him a detailed list of reasons. It will give him false hope that if he can convince you otherwise or change, you will take him back.

- Do not fish for indications that he isn't mad at you, can see your point of view, knows this must be hard for you to say, etc. You are breaking his heart and he doesn't need to feel bad for you or re-assure you, even though you are going through something difficult too.

- Do not lie to him.

2. Find somewhere else to stay. Realize that this means the breakup needs to happen almost immediately, because there's no other way to spin "I won't stay with my future husband for one month."

3. That sucks but its his cat, so don't harbor any thought of trying to end up with the cat, especially since you're breaking up with him. There's no way to answer the question of whether you should offer to care for the cat until you've seen how the breakup has gone.

+1
pay attention to 'things to avoid', it's a really good advice.

[Anonymous]

PP here:

Do not mince words. Be honest. Don't lengthen it by trying to remaining friends. You may not see your cat again, buy another one for yourself.

Do NOT use him as a place to stay if at all possible. That will only make you feel worse.

[Anonymous]

When I was 21, I lived with my longterm BF for the summer even though I already knew I wanted to break it off, but I didn't feel like I had anywhere else to stay AND I was absolutely terrified of hurting him. How silly is that? I stayed with him and I was miserable just so I wouldn't hurt HIM! Ugh. What a waste of my time and his time.

Break up. Now. Once you know you need to do it, it's ridiculous to wait. It's not fair to him and it's not fair to you.

Good luck. One day you will look back and say, man, I should have done that even sooner. I promise.

[Anonymous]

Break up with him. I would do it after You move into your new place in Dec. do it early dec before he gets you a Christmas present. You can break up with him by talking about all the points you listed in your post.

[Anonymous]

Is it out of the question for you to speak to a therapist? DOes your insurance cover it? I think that would help. The thing with break-ups is that it's so hard now but you have to put yourself in the future being happy with yourself and giving yourself the opportunity to know who you are and then later on find someone who will be a long-term match, you are really young so you can also somewhat use that as an excuse. I would secure housing and then do it so that you are not left with no where to live. He will probably try to talk you out of it. You will have to be prepared to not let him change your mind. You can do it. I used to write down what I was goign to say-it's helps to practice. it's worth it. I did it a few times (and now happily married with child) and it's really hard to upset someone but you have to put yourself first with this. It's your life-you can't stay because he expects you to. Just make sure you are safe-I can't tell if he will be angry?