Should I tell my mom that my father is having an affair

[Anonymous]

Some background info:
I am married with two kids. my siblings except one are no longer living with my parents. Completely by chance, I figured my father who is in his mid 60s is cheating on my mom. I dont know the extent of the realtionship. I dont even know if it is sexual (I can guess that it is, but dont know for a fact). Figuring this out came as a complete surprise to me since he has never been a type that flirts with women. In fact, my parent had a very good relationship togthere up until recent couple of years when both of them suffered sever health issues. As a married woman, I can tell wehn a marriage is good and when it is not and I can tell that my parents have been in love with each other for the past 35 years. My only guess is that the health issue has left my mom reluctant to any kind of intimacy, and my father on the other hand needs to prove himself that he is not old (if that makes any sense).
I have convinced myself time and again to just ignore the situation. At least for the sake of my younger sibling who is still at home, I dont want to shake the boat. BUt I also cant help feeing for my mom. It hurts me when I call and she innocently says your father just steped out to visit a friend, when I know where he probably has gone to.

I have two options in my mind: Ignore everything or to encounter my father.
I cant change his mind, but I can tell him that he cant fool everyone around him and that if mom finds out and if I have to choose I will choose her.

Need to hear your advice--please keep in mind that growunig up I have been very close to both my parents and that my relationship to my father is not one of dysfunctional ones.

Thank you

[Anonymous]

OP, this sounds like a horrible situation for you, but I think your best way to handle this is to consult a counselor so you can deal with your very reasonable feelings of strong discomfort about this, and to say nothing to your mother or anyone else in your family. That's just the opinion of a stranger, so take it for what it's worth. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

It sounds to me like you aren't quite sure what is going on. Absent absolute certainty, you should let it go.

[Anonymous]

If you don't have proof or facts, you need to let it go. If that's not an option for you, then talk to an independent person, a counselor maybe?

[Anonymous]

I would NOT say anything to your mom. You risk too much... She may already know. If it was me - and this may be the worst move ever, but it's what I would do - I would approach my dad in a loving, non-accusatory way and say, "hey, I saw x and y and it makes me uncomfortable. Is everything okay?" you don't want to create more drama (by saying you would choose your mom, etc.) but you can be there for your dad and see what he has to say. Then butt out.

[Anonymous]

OP, my mom found out a few years ago that my dad was cheating on her. If I found out, I would have told her. I would have wanted to be told. It is hard, especially in your 30's-40's to have this happen.

[Anonymous]

There is no way you can possibly know all the details around the issue and in fact admit that you do not know the details. I have some quirky personality issues that at times make intimacy extremely hard for me. My partner does not want to push me during these times. I have told him, repeatedly, that if during these times he has an affair I expect him to use safe practices and do everything within his power to make sure I and our friends and family do not find out about it. If someone happened to find "hard" evidence or even had an inkling about it I would appreciate if they NOT tell me.

[Anonymous]

Op, She needs to know but as others have said you need to be sure. You can't tell her just that you think he might be. You need to have evidence that he is. Once you have that, tell her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, She needs to know but as others have said you need to be sure. You can't tell her just that you think he might be. You need to have evidence that he is. Once you have that, tell her.

Um, no. She doesn't *need* to know. No gets to make that decision for someone else. I personally would not want to know.

[Anonymous]

I would have a discussion with your father before even considering having one with your mom.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you are 100% positive that you Father is actually having an affair, then first and foremost, I would confront "Dear old Dad." Inform him that you know what is going on and that you are very disappointed in him right now. Tell him you feel conflicted for so many reasons and do not want to tell your Mother, but cannot just sit on the knowledge that Dad is being unfaithful and do nothing.

Ask him to cut of all ties to whomever he is seeing or let him know that you have no other choice but to tell your Mother.

Not an easy position to be in, but I hope things work out.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have a discussion with your father before even considering having one with your mom.

OP already said she would either ignore it all or talk to the father.

[Anonymous]

I would confront your father and tell him that you will tell your mom if he doesn't - absent extenuating circumstances (i.e. they have agreed to open relationship)

[Anonymous]

"Ask him to cut of all ties to whomever he is seeing"

How would OP verify this?

[Anonymous]

My mom cheated on my dad for a while before I confronted her and told her the time (and games) were over...she would tell him that very minute or I would. I was 15 at the time and going through some tough times as being a teen isn't easy. I confronted her in the car as we drove home. I sobbed and cried because I knew the sheer hell that was about to happen. I cried in the car for over an hour and finally emerged. My mom eventually left my dad by moving out and told everyone she was moving so that repair work could be done on the house (another lie). My youngest siblings then were 3 and 5. I chose to live with my father. I still remember that day so well. My mom was 40 and my dad was late 40's.
I would make absolute sure you know for a fact that your father is having an affair before you say anything. Chances are, she probably knows. It might not be a physical or emotional affair. He could have an illness or something going on in his life that he doesn't want your mother to worry about. Could he be sneaking off to appointments? I don't know if men in their mid 60's seek out affairs for sexual reasons. I suppose they do. I guess I'm saying that because of his age maybe it's a little less likely ....?? If your dad has been faithful all these years, why be unfaithful now? I don't know, anything is possible. I would have my facts gathered before saying anything. What leads you to believe that your dad is having an affair?