Am I being a birthday brat?

[Anonymous]

Let me preface this post by saying that I've seen the birthday disappointment threads before, and I'm going in to this fully expecting to be ripped to shreds. However, maybe that's just what I need.

It was my birthday a few days ago. Not a huge milestone or anything - 21 (but I'm Canadian so 21 is not the big deal it is in the states ). My lovely boyfriend spent weeks telling me "don't make any plans for your birthday! I've planned out the whole day!" and asked me a few weeks ago what I'd like for my birthday. I told him I would love an inexpensive piece of jewelry (offered to show him a few ~$20 necklaces online I loved, but he declined saying he had a few ideas).

So, the day of my birthday rolls around. We wake up, my boyfriend says happy birthday, and then he hops on the computer for the next hour. I make coffee, shower, breakfast, etc. and then ask what he has planned for the day. He asks if we can go to the mall to buy him some clothes. So we do that, and then bum around his apartment for the afternoon. When it's time to go out or dinner, we get ready and head downtown. I thought it was just going to be the 2 of us, but my boyfriend arranged for my closest friends to meet us at the restaurant. We had a great night. My boyfriend paid for my dinner, my friends covered my drinks for the night, and I paid for the taxi both ways and the tip on our portion of dinner.

I'm really grateful that my boyfriend was so thoughtful and surprised me with a fun night out with my friends. But I'm also disappointed that nothing ever came of his question about what I wanted for my birthday. He told me the morning of my birthday "I didn't know what to get you and didn't want to get the wrong thing, but when we go to the mall for my clothes I'll buy you something". That didn't happen because, amongst everything else, he put no effort in to making that happen once we got to the mall. I'm ticked because I would have loved something sentimental from him, or at least a card and flowers. Something! His birthday was a few months ago and I spent a long time coordinating his gift, surprising him with it, along with totally spoiling him for the day. Birthdays (and holidays in general) are a big deal to me.

I realize that I'm coming off as a total gift-greedy brat here, and frankly yes, I wanted a birthday present. But, I think I'm entitled to that from my boyfriend. I'm disappointed it never happened and wondering if this is what I can expect every year if I stay with him. (FWIW, on Valentines day - our first together - we decided our gift to each other was a trip we took together over that weekend. But he specifically told me he had bought a gift for me as well, so I bought him a card and thoughtful present too. He ended up getting me nothing..) When I mentioned to him last night that I would have loved a birthday card, he said "well what about that card last week?" That was a card from his family, that his mom wrote the message on

So, DCUM, let me have it.

[Anonymous]

The present was the night out w/ your friends. So it's not as if he forgot about your birthday -- it's just that he didn't observe it 100% the way YOU wanted it.

With that said, perhaps at some other time, you can talk with him. I wouldn't piss him off right after your birthday.

[Anonymous]

I find that our biggest disappointments happen when our expectations aren't met. He didn't react to your birthday the way you'd hoped and you feel let down. No biggie, just tell him how you feel and maybe next year will be different.

[Anonymous]

He shouldn't have asked the question if he didn't want to follow through on it. That's the part that would piss me off, more so than that he didn't actually get anything. He set up the expectation only to not meet it, which seems really effed up.

[Anonymous]

You want a present, even a small one. You need to tell him that.

Not right now, but at some point, just say "I really feel bummed if I don't get something small for a holiday. Buy me a present, dammit!" You are being irrational, but it's not a big deal to fix.

[Anonymous]

Yes, before the next holiday or birthday, tell him you'd life a gift you can unwrap, even if it is small.

Kinda lame of him not to do that, but unless he did an a nice evening out with your friends. That's nice. You are young, so maybe he is too and doesn't have a ton of money.

[Anonymous]

Unless was at least

[Anonymous]

I've been there, and let me be really, really clear.

You can't change him. Before you marry this guy...understand he'll never be particularly thoughtful or attentive about holidays. This example is as clear as it could be.

I've accepted this about my husband, who's an awesome human being...BUT it took a few years of disappointing events to get to this place. In fact, this guy, as nice as he may be, will be even less attentive once you've been married for a while. You have to decide if this is something you can live with.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you get to be angry. I do think you get to be disappointed, and I definitely think you should have a conversation with BF. Tell him what you told us. Holidays and occasions mean a lot to you and you expect a card with a sentimental message from him or a small gift you can actually open. Trips or outings with friends are fun and you totally appreciate his effort, but that doesn't feel like a gift to you, and you want him to know how to please you. Thoughtful card or small gift should be the default.

[Anonymous]

You might find he feels that opposite. You gave him a gift when all he wanted was for you to take the time to plan a night out with friends. So while getting a gift says I care to you, maybe it doesn't to him, and planning a dinner out with friends is a disappointment to you but maybe to him that would be what says I care.

Read the Five Love Languages - often people assume that others want and need what they want and give accordingly rather than actually figuring out the others wants and needs, that may be quite different from your own.

Personally for me as a woman, I would far rather my husband plan a dinner out with friends than buy me a cheap gift at the mall. So I don't see your boyfriend as being insensitive - for me what he did would be meaningful and significant. I don't really care about a gift for the sake of a gift.

[Anonymous]

Well, I'm going to go a bit further than PPs in my comments. (Let me also preface them by saying that I generally think it's silly for adults to make a big deal about birthdays.)

I think you have a right to be upset and concerned, not because of the way he celebrated your birthday but because he didn't follow through on promises. 1)Weeks in advance he told you he was going to plan the whole day, so save the day for him; and 2) on your birthday he said he'd shop for a gift for you at the mall. Instead, he lounged on the computer, etc., then brought you along on an errand to buy stuff for him. He didn't make an effort to get you anything at the mall and didn't plan anything special for most of the day.

Absent his promises, what he did (dinner with your friends) was perfectly nice and adequate recognition of your birthday. (Although, really, he should have paid for taxi and tip, too.) But he promised more and so let you down.

I'd just be leery that this is a guy who will not follow through on what he says and will let you down routinely in the future. You won't be able to trust him when he tells you something. Fine for a not-so-significant boyfriend; perhaps manageable for a long-term boyfriend; deadly for a marital and parenting partner.

It really bugs me, too, that he hasn't even acknowledged that he didn't do what he said he'd do. Does he not take his own statements seriously?

[Anonymous]

If he'd just done the dinner, that would have been fine (though you shouldn't have paid for the cab or tips, but we're practicing not being petty).

The problem here is he shot off his mouth and then didn't follow through. He led you to believe you were getting a present, and so you mentally prepared for that.

You may be able to train him to know that on holidays, he needs to give you 1. card 2. flowers. 3. gift. 4. meal. 5. sex. But some guys will always disappoint and are untrainable.

[Anonymous]

Grow up.

[Anonymous]

My spouse and I have an agreement. We will buy each other something on birthdays and holidays but it will be minor. We each plan what we would like to do for our own birthdays and tell the other. We then handle paying for it. If we want a particular big ticket item as a gift we buy it for ourselves. Then we each buy some "token" type gift with a hard spending limit for the other or send flowers as a "I didn't forget and I care" type thing.

It sucks spending money and not getting exactly what the other person wanted. This dynamic, while a bit odd, works very well for us because we get to spoil ourselves and remind each other we care.

[Anonymous]

OP here - thanks everyone who has chimed in so far. I'm glad to see that (for the most part) I'm not being perceived like a total asshole.

A few people summed up my feelings really well and articulated them a lot better than I did. I'm upset because he made specific promises and didn't follow through on them. Of course I appreciate what he did do, but really, I expected a gift after everything he'd said beforehand.

It really bugs me, too, that he hasn't even acknowledged that he didn't do what he said he'd do. Does he not take his own statements seriously?

I don't know why he doesn't follow through on promises. It bothers me too, though, and I am definitely concerned about what that means for the future of our relationship.

How do I bring this up? Obviously I'm upset about the birthday thing, and don't want that to happen again (I'm already stressing out about Christmas) but I want to talk about this in a "bigger picture" way too. How do you guys think I should bring it up/frame the conversation?