What is the definition of a "single parent"?

[Anonymous]

My sister and her husband have been separated for a year and are divorcing. They have two young children. My sister is constantly complaining about how hard it is to be a single parent. So, the reality of her life is that she and her husband maintain separate residences (closeby to one another though). They have an agreement for split physical custody since the legal separation went into effect. The kids stay with her 50 percent of the time her husband 50 percent of the time -- 3-4 days at a time at each house depending on their schedules. The kids are both elementary age children and thus in school for all-day, plus aftercare. Since they have been separated and sharing custody, my sister has had 10 entire days and nights away from them on vacation with her boyfriend (don't get me started on that one), plus at least a few other weekends free completely when her husband has taken them on vacation/to visit his parents. Plus, when she has the kids, she does get babysitters when she wants to go out without them. And her soon to be ex contributes far more money to their upbringing than she does given that she is self-employed and makes a lot less.

The total number of hours she actually spends with her children each week is far, far less than I do with mine, and my husband and I are together...this is comsidering my husband's hours at work and the time he works at home or is out of town for business. I am, by no means, complaining about my life...My busband does his fair share of parenting certainly. But it does make me roll my eyes a bit to hear her call herself a single parent. Her to be ex is very involved with the kids on every level. One of my best friends is raising her children alone because the father is literally absent in every way -- physically, emotionally and financially. To me, that is being a single parent. I don't consider my sister's situation at all the same.

Am I somehow missing something here?

[Anonymous]

Not her. Someone who doesn't have another parent to rely on for a large minority-majority of the time.

I would have it easier with her arrangement than being married.

[Anonymous]

There isn't one definition. Most people who are parents and who aren't living with a spouse consider themselves single parents. Just like married parents have many different ways of parenting so do single parents.

[Anonymous]

Well, I guess the "technical" definition of single parent is a parent raising a child/children who is not married. But there are all kinds of caveats to this as you point out. In the old days, judges tended to give custody to mothers and the fathers would take the kids every other weekend (that is how I grew up). Now, many fathers are given 50/50 custody or something close to it. Do they want to spend more time with their kids? Or do they not want to pay child support? It depends on the situation. I fall into the category of a single parent who does 24/7/365 parenting. My ex lives elsewhere and only visits when he is nearby. Occasionally I take my DD to visit him. But I do it all. I don't love being grouped into the same category as a mother like my neighbor whose ex has the kids half of the time. But it is what it is.

[Anonymous]

I'm like your friend - totally and completely a single parent -zero support in any fashion or form. I don't begrudge the use of the term single parent by those with shared custody or support as i think is the more common situation and understanding, but their circumstances and mine cannot be compared. She has no idea what it is like to be in my or your friend's shoes at all.

[Anonymous]

Your sister is in fact single (well - the new boyfriend) and a parent. She's lucky to have an ex who's an equally involved co/parent. Your sister and your friend are in very different places when it comes to being single parents just as I'm in a different place than my friend who is a SAHMs with a full time nanny, with both SAH but our days and lives are vastly different.

[Anonymous]

To me a single parent is a parent who has never been married or in a relationship that resembles marriage or a person whose spouse died. Otherwise you are a divorced parent. There are several "perks" you get from being divorced that you don't get by being a true single parent.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would roll my eyes at your sister too, especially if she's complaining how hard it is. It's one thing to complain about the difficulty of the adjustment from married parent to their new arrangement. But to act like she has the burden of a single parent is stupid. Sounds like she's having a pity party and/or looking for somebody to call her a martyr.

[Anonymous]

Why do you care?

[Anonymous]

I'm a widow and I don't care how people define single parent.

[Anonymous]

Does her ex help out when it's not his day? If the kids have to stay home sick and she can't?

If they are signed up for separate camps in the summer, will he drive one even though its not his day?

If a kid is sick in the middle of the night, does she have to get both dressed to go out and buy medicine? Or will ex come over to watch them? Or better, go get the medicine?

If she had to travel for work will ex keep the kids?

If she doesn't have a coparent at that level, she's a single parent in my book.

[Anonymous]

This has become sort of a low-key pet peeve of mine. I have a couple of friends whose partners bailed when they were pregnant; totally absentee fathers who spend little to no time with their kids and contribute nothing financially. I think these are single parents. Likewise I know someone whose wife very tragically died when their DC was about a week old. Single parent.

Divorced people who have some co-parenting/custody arrangement which also includes enforceable child support, or in which one parent willingly pays child support in order to make sure kids are cared for, are not single parents. They have a hard row to hoe, and I would not want to be in their shoes. But not the same thing.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I agree with others that this would annoy me also. I spend more time parenting my children on my own than your sister, and I'm married. I think wives of big law partners probably have it worse, too. I'd say that the definition of "single parent" is probably different depending on who you ask, but to me it implies someone who takes on the majority of the financial and caretaking responsibilities outside of work hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you care?

Exactly.

Maybe she has a custody arrangement that gives her lots of free time, but she still had to go through a divorce. Divorce is miserable. She still has to negotiate every bloody parenting decision with someone with whom she'd rather not be attached. She may have had to justify some level of her parenting to a mediator or judge. She has to help her kids navigate the waters of divorce.

You sound awfully judgmental and kind of mean. Support her or leave her alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you care?

Yeah, I wonder what OP is trying to accomplish here. Gather enogh fodder so she can say to her sister that "a bunch of anonymous people on the Internet agree with me that you shouldn't call yourself a single parent!" So what? Why stir the pot, OP? Anyone who is going through a divorce has had a rough time, and, especially if she's your sister, she deserves more support and fewer eye rolls from you. And this comes from a "real" single parent, at least according to the "definitions" on this thread.