my moms boyfriend makes racist "jokes" WWYD

[Anonymous]

My moms boyfriend of 5 years makes racist/discriminatory jokes and remarks which I find incredibly offensive. just for an example; last night
-made some joke about aboriginals and alcohol
-my DD (20 mts) put a throw over her head and was walking around being silly, he goes "oh my she looks like a Muslim" "watch out for bombs"

WTF?????????? Firstly that is messed up, secondly you are saying these disgusting racist remarks in front of A CHILD? Not that it makes it any better who you say it in front of, but now you are making that association in her head, and teaching her racist filth.

He is also just an insensitive jerk all around, some other examples:
- I had an ectopic pregnancy after months of infertility treatment and had ER surgery - afterwards he said to me "oh these things happen, most people have a starter pregnancy, I know my wife did (not my mom his ex)"
- yesterday we were over at my mom's for dinner, DD usually eats at 6 pm it was 7:15 and she was getting crabby and hungry, so I said "oh mom I'm just gunna give her some crackers from my bag cause she's getting hungry". Her BF says "she's not going to starve, its not like she's petite" under his breath. .....ummm how is this your business? She is a sweet chubby little toddler, but nothing extreme (20 months and 27 lbs)

I want to say something to him or my mom but not sure how to approach this, WWYD? I have suggested to my mom before "oh can we just have a girls dinner" without my DH and her BF so we can avoid seeing him, but she seems all offended.

[Anonymous]

"I don't understand why some people think that sounding ignorant is funny."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My moms boyfriend of 5 years makes racist/discriminatory jokes and remarks which I find incredibly offensive. just for an example; last night
-made some joke about aboriginals and alcohol
-my DD (20 mts) put a throw over her head and was walking around being silly, he goes "oh my she looks like a Muslim" "watch out for bombs"

WTF?????????? Firstly that is messed up, secondly you are saying these disgusting racist remarks in front of A CHILD? Not that it makes it any better who you say it in front of, but now you are making that association in her head, and teaching her racist filth.

He is also just an insensitive jerk all around, some other examples:
- I had an ectopic pregnancy after months of infertility treatment and had ER surgery - afterwards he said to me "oh these things happen, most people have a starter pregnancy, I know my wife did (not my mom his ex)"
- yesterday we were over at my mom's for dinner, DD usually eats at 6 pm it was 7:15 and she was getting crabby and hungry, so I said "oh mom I'm just gunna give her some crackers from my bag cause she's getting hungry". Her BF says "she's not going to starve, its not like she's petite" under his breath. .....ummm how is this your business? She is a sweet chubby little toddler, but nothing extreme (20 months and 27 lbs)

I want to say something to him or my mom but not sure how to approach this, WWYD? I have suggested to my mom before "oh can we just have a girls dinner" without my DH and her BF so we can avoid seeing him, but she seems all offended.

OP, why does your mother tolerate BF's bigotry? I find it interesting that she is either not offended or ignores it especially racist behavior in front of her granddaughter.

[Anonymous]

My sympathies. Keep your kid far, far away from this guy. If he has a job (a real "if" from your description) arrange to meet your mom separately when her BF is at work.

If your mom is offended by the notion of spending time just the two of you, I'm sorry for you because she should know that you two have a separate relationship.

If he drinks, don't confront him while he's drinking. Honestly, I would phone my mother and ask her to tell her BF to refrain from racist/offensive comments around you and your child.

At this point, it sounds like you also have to deal with her reluctance either to deal with his racism or to spend time with you without him. The relationship sounds way too fused.

[Anonymous]

OP here - I feel the same way, I don't get why she doesn't say anything. She seems just so infatuated with him. The thing last night about the throw on DD's head went like this:
BF - makes the horrendous comment
me- looked up and gasped in shock (DH wasn't there)
my mom - oh my gosh stop it!!!! (to her BF), but her voice was kind of playful, you know?

Not sure if this is relevant but my mom and her BF are Caucasian, and I am half Caucasian half indian. DH is Asian.

[Anonymous]

Too bad he isn't even funny.

[Anonymous]

OP, perhaps your mom grew up in an atmosphere where this type of racism was tolerated and frowned upon if anyone complained. Was she passive in her relationship with your dad?

[Anonymous]

Your mom is old enough to pick and choose her own friends but no way would I want my child exposed to that and I think it's perfectly to tell your mom that.

[Anonymous]

Don't say ignorant stuff in front me and my child
NOT A good look

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sympathies. Keep your kid far, far away from this guy. If he has a job (a real "if" from your description) arrange to meet your mom separately when her BF is at work.

If your mom is offended by the notion of spending time just the two of you, I'm sorry for you because she should know that you two have a separate relationship.

If he drinks, don't confront him while he's drinking. Honestly, I would phone my mother and ask her to tell her BF to refrain from racist/offensive comments around you and your child.

At this point, it sounds like you also have to deal with her reluctance either to deal with his racism or to spend time with you without him. The relationship sounds way too fused.

OP again - a real "if", LOL that made me laugh. He is actually very very well educated and is the director of a research institute. Makes it a lot worse in my opinion. I try ad see her when he is not around, and will try and keep doing that! Thanks

To the other PP - I don't remember much of my mom and dad together, but what I do my mom more so called the shots. I feel likes she just really really likes him so lets it go. Which bugs me, cause my mom is awesome , but he sucks!!

[Anonymous]

who cares what he does or when he went to school?

he appears to be an ignorant-ass cracker asshole.

[Anonymous]

I'm getting so sick of all the things that are so offensive and pc police I hope people just start saying whatever they want at such a high rate that its just ignored. I don't care what people say anymore. It has zero effect on anything important.

[Anonymous]

Let your mom know that you love her and are open to spending time with her alone. However you do not feel comfortable with her bf nor do you want him saying hurtful and racist things around you or your child.
Set boundaries...we'll gladly visit you when he's not around, however we won't spend time with him.
Stand your ground.
Be prepared that she might balk and the relationship could cool for a while. However, if this is important to you then maintain your boundaries.

[Anonymous]

If you have to spend time around him, instead of reacting to each comment, you need to say to him flat out "Rick, you make a lot of bigoted comments and jokes. Do you think you would mind not doing that around my child?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My moms boyfriend of 5 years makes racist/discriminatory jokes and remarks which I find incredibly offensive. just for an example; last night
-made some joke about aboriginals and alcohol
-my DD (20 mts) put a throw over her head and was walking around being silly, he goes "oh my she looks like a Muslim" "watch out for bombs"

WTF?????????? Firstly that is messed up, secondly you are saying these disgusting racist remarks in front of A CHILD? Not that it makes it any better who you say it in front of, but now you are making that association in her head, and teaching her racist filth.

He is also just an insensitive jerk all around, some other examples:
- I had an ectopic pregnancy after months of infertility treatment and had ER surgery - afterwards he said to me "oh these things happen, most people have a starter pregnancy, I know my wife did (not my mom his ex)"
- yesterday we were over at my mom's for dinner, DD usually eats at 6 pm it was 7:15 and she was getting crabby and hungry, so I said "oh mom I'm just gunna give her some crackers from my bag cause she's getting hungry". Her BF says "she's not going to starve, its not like she's petite" under his breath. .....ummm how is this your business? She is a sweet chubby little toddler, but nothing extreme (20 months and 27 lbs)

I want to say something to him or my mom but not sure how to approach this, WWYD? I have suggested to my mom before "oh can we just have a girls dinner" without my DH and her BF so we can avoid seeing him, but she seems all offended.

I think we all grew up with these types of family members, didn't we? I know I did. I remember aunts and uncles making racist jokes, even spewing bitter bigotry. Even my parents said racist things. But somehow I managed to grow up free from any bigotry or racism. Overall, my parents were very accepting and welcoming of everybody (they were born in the late '30s, so they experienced a lot of change, and for example they used the term "the coloreds" a little longer than they should have). They taught diversity in school, we learned and took to heart the teachings of MLK...etc etc.

My point is, your child will not become racist due to this one unsavory character in your family. I am not racist and I know I'm not the only one who grew up with adults like I've described, and turned out fine.