Pendente Lite Guideline vs Actual Spousal Support (in VA) -- How did it compare in your case? SAHM

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Yikes at this thread. Never get married fellas!

Yikes at this thread. Never give up your job to stay home, ladies! You need to look out for number one.

Well, the problem is, the SAHM role does not get enough respect. Think of the myriad jobs a SAHM does and consider all the people you hire to replace what a SAHM does. I sometimes feel as though the feminist movement eliminated SAHM as a choice for women in that the concept of alimony seems to have gone away. IMO this role should be a viable option for a man or a woman and it should be protected under the law. A woman or man dosesn't stay home with the kids without the consent of the other partner. That was a choice that partner also made, and the consequences of one partner out of the workforce should not be a burden only that one person has to bear.

People always say this. How you you say it with a straight face, when SAHMs get alimony, while WOHMs (who statistically do many of the things SAHMs do, while also working) get nothing?

Exactly. Once the child is in school what's the purpose of a woman staying home all day? To cook and clean? I don't get it, it just sounds like pure laziness to me. It's all good until the husband leaves or wants a divorce and then they complain about not having a career. Smh.

I've written this before and been shouted at here. I've been a single dad for nearly a decade. Daily cooking and cleaning with teenagers around is at most 90 minutes a day, probably less. Might have to catch up a bit on the weekend with some laundry or vacuuming. No maid or cook in my home, or grocery delivery or lawn service.

There is no way. What do you kids do? Just eat the same food and clothes? Do they do sports or other activities with uniforms? Do you order food already packaged? Laundry alone takes me about 60 minutes a day. Maybe it's not just me, but it takes 60 minutes of actual work. Gathering the clothes, running the wash, running the dryer, folding, and putting away. 60 minutes easily 1 load. Meals another 45 minutes between food prep serving, and cleaning up. Plus time to eat and shop.

Different PP single dad. No way in hell does laundry take 60 minutes a day. Are you standing there watching the clothes tumble in the dryer like Rain Man or something? Each bedroom has a laundry basket, you take it to the washing machine and put them in, that's a couple of minutes tops. Less than a minute to put them in the dryer. Then five minutes to put them away (if it's a teenager they should do this not you). I don't even run a laundry load every day, two kids and I don't generate that many dirty clothes. And yes both my kids do sports.

I cook meals for everyone and that might take 15 minutes per meal.

Do vacuuming and dusting and yard work on the weekends.

This is not an "8 hour a day full-time job".

If you spend 15 minutes on a meal, you’re not a great cook. Sure, you can feed people, but it’s not going to be unimpressive.
If you’re a sahm, kids are there ALL day- which means, you don’t just vacuum and clean on weekends (or you’re a slob).
It’s never 5 minutes to fold and put away for a family of 4. I’ve timed it many times. More like 45 minutes just for 4. Teens can do it themselves, but most women are not sahm of just 2 teens- and if they are, they’ve put in years of pregnancy and childcare while you were bolstering your career.

But most sahm I know don’t spend most of their time on household chores. They are reading to kids, tutoring, chauffeuring to multiple activities, teaching children to cook/clean/garden, enforcing rules, TALKING (emotionally supporting) the children, taking them to playgrounds and play dates, doing all errands -grocery store 1 and 2, dry cleaners, car maintenance, dentist apps, doctor apps, etc.

My impression of men who aren’t impressed with their sahm? THEY are disconnected and lazy fathers.

Uh, you don’t need to cook an “impressive” meal for kids. I don’t cook “impressive” for myself. I cook nutritious meals using fresh meat and veggies. That is both necessary and sufficient.

Putting away a load of clothes from the dryer takes me five minutes. If it takes you 45 minutes, you’re not at all impressive at putting away clothes.

I do all that other stuff as well. As I said, not an 8 hour full time job.

Please upload video of you folding and then putting away in multiple locations in the house a full load of laundry in under 5 minutes. Or maybe you have one of those tiny under the counter washers?

Y'all really need to teach your children to put away their own laundry and contribute to the overall upkeep of the home. Especially the boys. Otherwise you're just raising more dudes who can't function without a SAH spouse.

No. At their mother's house they live under a reign of terror. At my house they can relax and not worry about laundry or where their next meal is coming from.

Which reminds me--it's strange that people who stress so much about how hard house work is also have such filthy homes.

Maybe they aren't good at it. Keeping the house clean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Which of DC, MD or VA is more favorable to SAHM, or are they all the same basically?

I just ran the VA and MD child support calculators for a 50/50 custody situation and the MD recommended amount was 60% larger than the VA amount.

Where are these calculators?

[Anonymous]

^

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yikes at this thread. Never get married fellas!

Yikes at this thread. Never give up your job to stay home, ladies! You need to look out for number one.

Well, the problem is, the SAHM role does not get enough respect. Think of the myriad jobs a SAHM does and consider all the people you hire to replace what a SAHM does. I sometimes feel as though the feminist movement eliminated SAHM as a choice for women in that the concept of alimony seems to have gone away. IMO this role should be a viable option for a man or a woman and it should be protected under the law. A woman or man dosesn't stay home with the kids without the consent of the other partner. That was a choice that partner also made, and the consequences of one partner out of the workforce should not be a burden only that one person has to bear.

People always say this. How you you say it with a straight face, when SAHMs get alimony, while WOHMs (who statistically do many of the things SAHMs do, while also working) get nothing?

These are the same dumb people who claim that SAHMs are “worth” $500K to $1 million+ a year by adding up the salaries of professional chefs, drivers, therapists, nurses, etc. because “that’s what moms are doing.” It’s asinine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men are all too happy to have a SAHM during the hard years, letting their wives do the overnights and chasing tantruming toddlers while he hangs around the office “working late.” But then the revisionist history comes out, oh actually I was fine with sharing the burden but she INSISTED… whatever you say bud. The data and my lived experience shows that men who have SAHWs see their careers take off. The idea is to not divorce and enjoy the fruit of the mutually beneficial arrangement together. There is risk on both side if that doesn’t work out, but don’t pretend you weren’t getting something out of it too. After a long career in biglaw I see right through that.

Exactly: that's what mine did with me: we started when he was at $150K /year and I was at $85K/year. I went SAHM as he needed to travel and develop business. Just before he acquired major stock options package he decides that now it's time to divorce, after 15 years of marriage. Divorces. Starts making $1mm/year and now tells me I didn't earn any of it and it's none of my business

Yep. We made a decision for me to quit and my DH was able to see his career skyrocket. With both of us working, we were both stagnating. DH made up for my lost salary within a year of me quitting and he slept through the night while I got up multiple times a night. I've also see men step away to take care of kids as well. The thing is, whoever it is, man or woman, who stays home with kids, is doing the jobs of a nanny, full time maid, a chef, a driver, a tutor and psychologist/life coach. So, add up how much you would pay each of those employees - that what the stay at home parent is doing. There is an issue of fairness here and, assuming it is a joint agreement, then it should be treated as a 50-50 proposition. The one working couldn't pull it off successfully without the other one doing that.

HAHAHAHA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men are all too happy to have a SAHM during the hard years, letting their wives do the overnights and chasing tantruming toddlers while he hangs around the office “working late.” But then the revisionist history comes out, oh actually I was fine with sharing the burden but she INSISTED… whatever you say bud. The data and my lived experience shows that men who have SAHWs see their careers take off. The idea is to not divorce and enjoy the fruit of the mutually beneficial arrangement together. There is risk on both side if that doesn’t work out, but don’t pretend you weren’t getting something out of it too. After a long career in biglaw I see right through that.

Exactly: that's what mine did with me: we started when he was at $150K /year and I was at $85K/year. I went SAHM as he needed to travel and develop business. Just before he acquired major stock options package he decides that now it's time to divorce, after 15 years of marriage. Divorces. Starts making $1mm/year and now tells me I didn't earn any of it and it's none of my business

Yep. We made a decision for me to quit and my DH was able to see his career skyrocket. With both of us working, we were both stagnating. DH made up for my lost salary within a year of me quitting and he slept through the night while I got up multiple times a night. I've also see men step away to take care of kids as well. The thing is, whoever it is, man or woman, who stays home with kids, is doing the jobs of a nanny, full time maid, a chef, a driver, a tutor and psychologist/life coach. So, add up how much you would pay each of those employees - that what the stay at home parent is doing. There is an issue of fairness here and, assuming it is a joint agreement, then it should be treated as a 50-50 proposition. The one working couldn't pull it off successfully without the other one doing that.

HAHAHAHA.

Ha. I do all that and my full-time WAH job too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Being a parent is a job. Get a clue.

No, it isn’t. Get a clue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yikes at this thread. Never get married fellas!

Yikes at this thread. Never give up your job to stay home, ladies! You need to look out for number one.

Well, the problem is, the SAHM role does not get enough respect. Think of the myriad jobs a SAHM does and consider all the people you hire to replace what a SAHM does. I sometimes feel as though the feminist movement eliminated SAHM as a choice for women in that the concept of alimony seems to have gone away. IMO this role should be a viable option for a man or a woman and it should be protected under the law. A woman or man dosesn't stay home with the kids without the consent of the other partner. That was a choice that partner also made, and the consequences of one partner out of the workforce should not be a burden only that one person has to bear.

See above what men write: you have to work at 48! As if there is an abundance of well paying jobs available to a SAHM after a long gap with employment. These men are totally self centered and disconnected from reality.
If I was playing my marriage history again, I would not have stayed at home and supported his traveling career without a stone clad postnup

The problem I see is that deep down most men don’t care if their wife stays home. Whereas a lot of these wives talk about how much they are doing for the family, the sacrifices etc. However, their husbands don’t care and place little value on it. They are just going along with it. Then 10 years later they get divorced and the wives talk about how they gave everything up, quit their jobs for their family. Problem is their husbands never asked for that.

Problem is, some husbands to help out sufficiently at home after kids arrive and the wife ends up caving, giving up her career, and focusing on the home and children to provide a decent upbringing for the kids. It’s not an easy decision. Years of working to get into great schools, obtaining degrees, working hard at a career to all be put on pause because husband won’t do his share of home and child care. Because this is cyclical, men continue to move up the latter more easily and hence the husband is likely to make more than the wife. As a result, it’s easier to decide on the woman walking away from her career than the man and thus, the perpetual cycle continues. Stay at home mom each year gets further way from her career and down the line, there is a power imbalance. He views her as less. She feels unappreciated and alas, divorce. She is now completely out or touch with her career and no real place to fit. Over qualified for entry level and not familiar enough with recent practices for mid-level. In some cases, women end up doing odd office jobs that aren’t even in her original chosen career and for much less had she grown in her career so alimony is definitely needed.

The woman indeed deserves her fair share.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yikes at this thread. Never get married fellas!

Yikes at this thread. Never give up your job to stay home, ladies! You need to look out for number one.

Well, the problem is, the SAHM role does not get enough respect. Think of the myriad jobs a SAHM does and consider all the people you hire to replace what a SAHM does. I sometimes feel as though the feminist movement eliminated SAHM as a choice for women in that the concept of alimony seems to have gone away. IMO this role should be a viable option for a man or a woman and it should be protected under the law. A woman or man dosesn't stay home with the kids without the consent of the other partner. That was a choice that partner also made, and the consequences of one partner out of the workforce should not be a burden only that one person has to bear.

See above what men write: you have to work at 48! As if there is an abundance of well paying jobs available to a SAHM after a long gap with employment. These men are totally self centered and disconnected from reality.
If I was playing my marriage history again, I would not have stayed at home and supported his traveling career without a stone clad postnup

The reality is that most women that stay home long term never really had a career/advanced degrees etc in the first place. It is an easy decision for these women to stay home because the income gap is so high. Many women take time out of the workforce but those that are out from when the kids are little for decades generally never had much earning capacity in the first place

The problem I see is that deep down most men don’t care if their wife stays home. Whereas a lot of these wives talk about how much they are doing for the family, the sacrifices etc. However, their husbands don’t care and place little value on it. They are just going along with it. Then 10 years later they get divorced and the wives talk about how they gave everything up, quit their jobs for their family. Problem is their husbands never asked for that.

Problem is, some husbands to help out sufficiently at home after kids arrive and the wife ends up caving, giving up her career, and focusing on the home and children to provide a decent upbringing for the kids. It’s not an easy decision. Years of working to get into great schools, obtaining degrees, working hard at a career to all be put on pause because husband won’t do his share of home and child care. Because this is cyclical, men continue to move up the latter more easily and hence the husband is likely to make more than the wife. As a result, it’s easier to decide on the woman walking away from her career than the man and thus, the perpetual cycle continues. Stay at home mom each year gets further way from her career and down the line, there is a power imbalance. He views her as less. She feels unappreciated and alas, divorce. She is now completely out or touch with her career and no real place to fit. Over qualified for entry level and not familiar enough with recent practices for mid-level. In some cases, women end up doing odd office jobs that aren’t even in her original chosen career and for much less had she grown in her career so alimony is definitely needed.

The woman indeed deserves her fair share.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Original poster here. Thanks to all who have responded so far, but I'm really looking for concrete examples/figures if you feel comfortable sharing about how the spousal support you ended up with (via settlement or court) compared to the pendente lite guidelines (26% of payor's monthly gross income). And for what duration of time did you receive those payments?

Thank you.

Just FYI it's not a straight 26% but rather the difference between 26 percent of the payor spouse's monthly gross income and 58 percent of the payee spouse's monthly gross income if there are minor children and a different formula if there are. Second, the presumptive formula only applies in cases of gross monthly income that is less than $10K. You should take a look at the statute.

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So what happens in cases where gross monthly income is higher than 10K? Is it usually that the alimony is higher...or lower...than the pendente lite formula?

[Anonymous]

I’m a va family law attorney. For permanent support, judges don’t use the guidelines.they are only supposed to use them for temporary hearings untie a final trial. But, that being said, I use them to give a client a range of support that could be awarded, with the guidelines being on the higher end of reasonable