Adult son is moving home. I'm conflicted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He probably does have some mental issues going on, at least failure to fly. He could be angry or depressed he has no job, no girlfriend. I lived at home for a year when I was 28. It took me a year to find a job. It didn't help that my mother was telling me to be a waitress when I had just gotten my Master's degree. Finally I got a real job. Be supportive and believe in him. He should be actively looking for jobs. He should be doing his own laundry and helping out with the dishes or yard work. He needs his own car for independence (even if it's your car). He can cook his own breakfast and lunch but should join you for the family dinner. Career counseling might help him too. I wouldn't take his rudeness personally just yet. He probably feels bad about himself and is taking it out on you. He knows you're disappointed in him.

Your mom surely didn’t mean be a waitress forever. She likely knew you needed some paying work. Having a grad degree doesn’t mean you are too good to wait tables until you secure a job in your field.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He probably does have some mental issues going on, at least failure to fly. He could be angry or depressed he has no job, no girlfriend. I lived at home for a year when I was 28. It took me a year to find a job. It didn't help that my mother was telling me to be a waitress when I had just gotten my Master's degree. Finally I got a real job. Be supportive and believe in him. He should be actively looking for jobs. He should be doing his own laundry and helping out with the dishes or yard work. He needs his own car for independence (even if it's your car). He can cook his own breakfast and lunch but should join you for the family dinner. Career counseling might help him too. I wouldn't take his rudeness personally just yet. He probably feels bad about himself and is taking it out on you. He knows you're disappointed in him.

Your mom surely didn’t mean be a waitress forever. She likely knew you needed some paying work. Having a grad degree doesn’t mean you are too good to wait tables until you secure a job in your field.

He has to get out of the house, though. At least by volunteering. It isn't healthy for him to be idle and avoid social interaction.

My brother did this and eventually they had to cut off his phone and stopped having internet altogether. Then he finally motivated to get a job.

[Anonymous]

Op, I'm not sure why these frantic women are suggesting therapy if your son wants to move back home. Many of them are probably still raising young children and therefore at the first sign of anything they want to call a doctor or therapist. You should post this title in the 60+ older section of DCUM. I'm not saying therapy is bad but it certainly is not a once size fits all prescription for him moving back home to save money or figure out his next move. DH and I allowed our son to move in while he is working on his doctorate. This allows DS to save money and we get to spend time together. Are there rules or norms that we all try to abide by? Of course we do and it has worked out just fine. DS met someone and they got married. So now I have DS and dear DIL as well. We are now multi-generation living together. This is no uncommon and the idea that children lived separately after college is a fairly recent phenomenon in America. Many European cultures and other cultures allow their children to love at home until they are ready to move out. DS and DIL are saving towards a down payment and paying off student loans. My DH and I have no student loans, a cushy retirement (we've been retired for 15years) and own our home. We travel a few times during the year. We allowed DS and DIL to stay at home with us because they get to save money and it's an advantage we are providing rather than a hinderance. Times are vastly different that when DH and I started out. It's much harder to move up, pay off enormous student debt, purchase a home, save for retirement and start a family. DH and I paid for our children's undergraduate degree but expect that our children pay for their graduate. While DS is paying for his doctorate, we will provide a leg up where necessary. I live in a 6 bdr/4.5 bath house on 6 acres in MoCo (been here in the 70s), why would I encourage my children to go out and pay a stranger? Instead we try to keep money within the family. DS does help out around the house and it's money into his retirement, student loans, etc. Of course, we get statements every six months to make sure they (DS and DIL) are doing those things for accountability reasons.

Sorry for the long post but the point is have a frank conversation with DS, and from there determine if you can make a multigenerational family home work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course, we get statements every six months to make sure they (DS and DIL) are doing those things for accountability reasons.

No boundary problems here at all. Nothing to see here! Move along!

OP: do not take up parenting your adult child again. You can charge him rent and you can have the same house rules you'd have for any tenant. That is it. If you think he needs more than that, the only way to help him and preserve your own sanity is to do it with him outside your house. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I disagree that asking your grown adult child twice a year to review their retirement & student loan statements is re-parenting. It is for accountability sake. Charging your child rent could be seen as re-parenting as well for accountability sake. The pp who lives in a multi generation home is a great mom. And has made me rethink the idea of my children coming home.

[Anonymous]

My parents are no longer parenting me, so they would never ask for my retirement statements. Functioning that way is how you get a kid who doesn’t have to live in your house.

[Anonymous]

Set reasonable expectations. No curfews. Separate entrance arrangement would be ideal. If he has no funds then try to get him to accept some tips on job searching.

[Anonymous]

A couple of PPs have said not to bother getting any agreement in writing, because you can't enforce it. On the one hand, that's true; on the other, the reason to have it written down isn't enforceability, but so that you can make sure you have the same understanding and refer back to it later. People's memories change.

It doesn't have to be in a formal way. "As we talked about today ..." in an email is enough.

[Anonymous]

Has he ever been in counseling, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I disagree that asking your grown adult child twice a year to review their retirement & student loan statements is re-parenting. It is for accountability sake. Charging your child rent could be seen as re-parenting as well for accountability sake. The pp who lives in a multi generation home is a great mom. And has made me rethink the idea of my children coming home.

So your mortgage company makes you review your finances with them every six months as a term for your mortgage? Your landlord does it as a condition of your lease?

[Anonymous]

OP, first of all, you have my sympathies.

DH has a younger brother living with his parents. He is likely gifted, has multiple degrees, and has worked an actual job for no more than three years of his entire adult life. He is 45. The stress of the situation has aged DH's parents considerably. DH has at least 1 other male first cousin, even older, who still lives at home. This is on his father's side. These cousins have always lived in separate cities, and really not had much contact over the years, yet the pattern of their lives is remarkably similar and I am convinced there is a genetic component.

I am scared out of my mind because I see a lot of similarities between our oldest DS and DH's brother and cousin. DS just turned 21, has almost a 4.0 in Honors, works during the year as an RA and has an internship this summer. But he is living at home this summer and it's a situation that's unsuitable long-term. I just pray he can get a decent job out of college and then we will help him get set up in some kind of living situation that is not at our house. The biggest mistake my ILs ever made was letting their son move home. He's 45, without a job, and he will never leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is 29 years old. No PTSD. He served overseas but was not in any combat situations.

He might not have been in a combat situation but was he in the combat area? I have a friend who was in a support position in Iraq and he dealt with some PTSD just from being there and seeing/hearing some shit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is 29 years old. No PTSD. He served overseas but was not in any combat situations.

Don’t do it. It will be a terrible thing for him and for you. It will cause him to spiral down into a hole of despair that he can’t get back out of.
If you need to you should temporarily support him (partially) in a nearby apartment but at your home? No!!

[Anonymous]

Set up some structure, make him get a job, contribute to chores, pitch in for food.

He may have ADHD or how was he while in school? All of those things continue at the job so get it checked out. He may be depressed but in general he needs to get some goals, and a game plan towards them. Do this while he's in his 20s, not 30s and 40s.

Though I have an uncle who lived at home until age 45 when the final parent died, had to move out. He did FINE. He moved across the whole country and works IT in Oregon. Just took his inhertance, snapped his fingers, and lived like an adult. After 45 years of milking mom and dad and never coming out of the upstairs, even for holidays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, first of all, you have my sympathies.

DH has a younger brother living with his parents. He is likely gifted, has multiple degrees, and has worked an actual job for no more than three years of his entire adult life. He is 45. The stress of the situation has aged DH's parents considerably. DH has at least 1 other male first cousin, even older, who still lives at home. This is on his father's side. These cousins have always lived in separate cities, and really not had much contact over the years, yet the pattern of their lives is remarkably similar and I am convinced there is a genetic component.

I am scared out of my mind because I see a lot of similarities between our oldest DS and DH's brother and cousin. DS just turned 21, has almost a 4.0 in Honors, works during the year as an RA and has an internship this summer. But he is living at home this summer and it's a situation that's unsuitable long-term. I just pray he can get a decent job out of college and then we will help him get set up in some kind of living situation that is not at our house. The biggest mistake my ILs ever made was letting their son move home. He's 45, without a job, and he will never leave.

Same here, my husband's brother has untreated ADHD inattentive and has issues now socially and professionally. He's on his fifth paid graduated degree by my In Laws, complete with helping him on his homework. He has been fired for jobs each time - but for bad judgement (leaving for vacation w/o finishing a big project, not knowing the materials, acting like a flake, etc.). He confidence has suffered, he can't figure out why he's messing up, he's apparently scared to get a job again, and each time he restarts in a new industry he is much older than the 22 yos. ANd any girlfriend dumps him within a year of seeing this as well.

They enable him, and now gift him rental properties so he has no financial need to work frankly. I think if he could get treated with an executive functions coach plus maybe some ADHD medicine, he would be a lot happier and productive. This pattern has gone on too long. He was never given tools to be successful, the parent or tutor were always the tool.