Saying no to sleep overs/slumber parties.

[Anonymous]

this thread just blows me away...

sleepovers and slumber parties are some of my happiest memories of childhood -- I had sleepovers all the time and probably went to 8-10 slumber parties a year for a while - nothing untoward ever happened at any of them except perhaps staying up too late and too much sugar and junk food eaten!

I'm not disputing any of the horror stories, just thinking it seems really sad if this is a choice we have to make as parents.

A lot of my sleepovers were at the homes of longtime close friends where my parents knew the other family well, but many of the slumber parties were at classmates homes where my parents had met the parents certainly at school functions and the like but they weren't really friends. I think my parents probably had some comfort level with these families -- professional, responsible seeming parents who always supervised the festivities appropriately, but it's not like they had background checked them or anything.

[Anonymous]

Although I come down on the side of allowing sleepovers because my 9 year old daughter thinks they're the high point of her social life, I have said to the parents of girls who were coming over for a first playdate or sleep over -- "Just want to let you know... we have no guns, cigarettes, or older siblings at our house." And I've asked my daughter before she goes to friends' houses for the first time... "Do you know whether there are older boys in the house or relatives who live there?" And if there were, I would make sure she understands that she doesn't have to play with them or even be in the same room as them. I've talked to her about guns also, and told she should call me right away if there's ever anything, no matter how seemingly insignificant, that makes her uncomfortable in someone else's house.

[Anonymous]

Just curious -- do the parents who are opposed to sleepovers let their kids go to friends' homes without them? It seems that all the bad things attributed to sleepovers apply to playdates as well.

Our son (4) sometimes goes to next-door neighbors with kids by himself and he certainly is at the age where he's had playdates on his own, as well as friends coming to our home without their parents.

[Anonymous]

It is related to the amount of time spent at the other home. Play dates are shorter less time for nonsense to occur.
When I was in medical school, I had to do a rotation in Psych through the jail. I met with a convicted pedophile who said that he was always looking for an opportunity. He went out of his way to help his sister when there were birthday parties for her kids. He especially helped out at the slumber parties where he ran errands and so on. He said that he just needed time to develop a relationship with a child and find out about family dynamics and so on.
Nuts like that are all over, but the more common event is the older adolescent sibling who channels his (or her) sexual feelings in a funny way, gravitating towards younger or more submissive children. These cases of molestation are more spontaneous and probably less calculated, but nevertheless, they are just as harmful to a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just curious -- do the parents who are opposed to sleepovers let their kids go to friends' homes without them? It seems that all the bad things attributed to sleepovers apply to playdates as well.

Our son (4) sometimes goes to next-door neighbors with kids by himself and he certainly is at the age where he's had playdates on his own, as well as friends coming to our home without their parents.

I would not let not let my four year old go to a playdate without me. Too young, Never had anyone ask me to leave a playdate at that age. I would not ask a parent to leave my house for a playdate at that age either. Maybe when they are older I would drop them off if, and only if, I knew the family very good, and I felt very good about it.

[Anonymous]

When my child is old enough to tell me what happened, that's when I will start to think about leaving him/her alone.

[Anonymous]

Very interesting -- all the N. Arlington and vicinity parents we know, both in and out of preschool (quite a large group), do not expect to stay for playdates at the age of 4+. Kids have come to our home from preschool for several hours and vice versa. Our son happily goes to the homes of friends of his without us for a few hours. Good friends of ours sometimes do stay, but the adults talk and the kids play.

Obviously, people have their own views on this. For us, it seems like a good way to help develop independence. I don't minimize that there are dangers out there but, from my standpoint, I can't imagine approaching our son's childhood as danger after danger against which impregnable barriers must be erected.

All that said, I don't minimize the terrible trauma of abuse that some have experienced or know about